Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

(636 Posts)
LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 18:49:07

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

LalaDipsey Mon 06-Aug-12 12:47:51

Ok. Panicking slightly that H is at the Dv assessment at the moment. What will he make of it? Can imagine his slightly 'puzzled laugh' at some of the questions and utter disbelief that they are asking them to him! Aaagghhhh

LalaDipsey Mon 06-Aug-12 12:49:56

He could come home and do a 'fuck this, if this is what you/they think of me there's no point'; could dismiss it; make light of it; go moody/cross/drink; go into super good behaviour mode...... Who knows?!?!

Aussiebean Mon 06-Aug-12 12:56:57

Fingers crossed for you Lala that this is a the start of something more positive for you, in regards to him.

thanks

JUbilympiX Mon 06-Aug-12 17:49:09

Might give him pause for thought. That would be a step in the right direction; too late and too little, but.....

NoWayNoHow Mon 06-Aug-12 18:06:40

It's so difficult, lala, to live with someone so unpredictable. He could go any of the ways your described, but whatever HE does, YOU need to be true to yourself and respond appropriately to whatever unexpected reaction comes from him

1. If it's "Fuck this, there's no point" then he'll FINALLY be on the same page as you, so you can tell him to make his plans to move out then.
2. If he dismisses it or makes light, then that will simply be yet more validation of the fact that he genuinely doesn't care how serious the matter is. Don't indulge him. If he's light hearted, tell him sternly that investigations of domestic abuse aren't something to laugh at, and walk out the room.
3. Make sure you have a phone to hand and an exit plan if he starts to lash out at you for "getting him into trouble"/"making him drink"/"making him miserable"
4. If it's good behaviour mode, make sure he knows that it's too little, too late and make sure you tell him that you're well aware of the fact that he uses this as a manipulation tactic, and that you won't be falling for it.

LalaDipsey Mon 06-Aug-12 19:24:10

Well, he came back and made a joky comment about giving me the receipt (they ask questions re FA too), then said he had found it really helpful! WTF?
Dc were around and he had to go out to an appointment (cynic in me says he made the appt so he would have an excuse to go 'suited & booted' to relate!) so I will find out shortly what he thought in a bit more detail.
At least he's not angry and maybe it has made him think. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall to hear him answering the same questions I did to see the disparity between our perceptions (& indeed any similarities!)

SecrectFarleysNibbler Mon 06-Aug-12 20:12:37

Think he might be wrong stepping you here. He's either extremely calculating or so oblivious to his poor behaviour he just doesn't get it. Either isn't good enough!!! Don't wobble - keep focused - keep in your mind a visualisation of what you want and how different it will be down the line.

He may be treating it as an amusing trip out and this would be a massive act of disrespect to the whole situation.

NoWayNoHow Mon 06-Aug-12 20:44:18

YY to secret - just be careful that you don't get confused by this.

If he's joking about it, he's not taking it seriously.

If he says he found it helpful, ask him in what way.

If it REALLY helped him, he would be remorseful, ashamed, and grovelling at your feet for forgiveness for his revolting behavious over the last year.

If he doesn't respond like this, then it's all talk, as usual. Saying what he thinks you want to here, showing what he feels is an appropriate level of interest.

Unless he is wracked with guilt and weeping about what a dreadful and awful husband and father he's been, then rest assured there's been no massive revelation - it's just acting...

LalaDipsey Mon 06-Aug-12 21:14:18

Pants pants pants. How come with one comment he can make me feel sick & guilty?!
Remember when he was away last week he called and asked if I missed him?
Well, when he got back on Friday dd was expecting my friend and her son round so when the door went dd got excited and said 'it's aunty a and b!!'. So that she didn't utterly deflate when she saw it was H I said 'no, it's daddy let's go and say hello' and I and dd went downstairs to say hi with me holding dtd.
Anyway, just now H said
'I asked you a question last week and on Friday dd, you and dtd came down to say hello. Why?'
I said 'dd hadn't seen you all week so i accompanied her down and happened to be holding dtd'
He said, sadly 'so you just came down for dd and dtd. Right'
He has now sadly gone to bed.
I guess he was hoping I would say I had missed him and was coming to say hello.
Why does that small, relatively insignificant exchange make me feel sick, stomach twisty, guilty and like I should reassure him? I immediately wanted to make him feel better. I now feel like crap.

DippyDoohdah Mon 06-Aug-12 21:17:42

Because he wants you to adore him although he has done virtually nothing to nurture your marriage and family...x

mathanxiety Mon 06-Aug-12 22:20:44

He is playing poor little puppy. That is why you feel stomach twisty.

It is amazing how he can basically check out of your family life for 7 months -- no, it's even worse -- make that family life infinitely more difficult than it needed to be, stand aside and watch you wearing yourself almost into a hole in the ground with the twins and the reflux and little DD to take care of, and yet feel sorry for himself through it all.

Like you, Lala, I would love to have been a fly on the wall for his appointment. I would imagine his DV assessment was quite a shock to his system. The sad puppy dog act shows that it was not the least bit 'helpful' to him in any sense that you might hope he would use the word. I agree with you that he went suited and booted for a reason.

You don't have to be seen together if you don't feel like it, Lala, no matter what the counsellors suggest.

DippyDoohdah Tue 07-Aug-12 06:28:05

His sad little soldier act with you deflects perfectly away from the reason why he had to go alone to relate yesterday x

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats Tue 07-Aug-12 07:06:18

Hi Lala, I lost you after your thread went to the mysterious place on MN that I have no idea where it is or the secret password!

You do sound like a different person. Please don't be ashamed for reacting, you're only human! You have your resolve and as another poster said, an army of MNetters behind you!

You really are like a new person. A happy one. xx

LalaDipsey Tue 07-Aug-12 08:50:31

Thanks. Need keeping on course! He's acting all hurt and quiet and sulky this morning and it's making me feel awful (why??!). I thought my emotions had pretty much gone but he can still flip me.
Found myself wondering if I should just try giving the relationship 100% to see if there's a chance... But then I remember something like being called a 'fucking lazy bitch' for leaving a couple of bowls on the draining board when I had managed to clean up and wash up carrying both twins in a sling when they were very small after running around after all 3 dc all day and no sleep and think again!!

NoWayNoHow Tue 07-Aug-12 08:50:55

This is classic "deflection, deflection, deflection" - what was actually important yesterday was what happened in the DV assessment. In order to avoid talking about that, your H has leapt back to a completely different subject with extremely strong emotional connotations to throw you. It's difficult not to have a reaction to someone when you see them feeling sorry for themselves, and unfortunately for you, this man has had many many years of practice when it comes to learning how to push your buttons to get the reaction he wants.

You're new at this lala - you've only just seen the light, and it's not a light that stays on once the switch is flipped. It's learned behaviour, or i should say re-learned behaviour, and you need to give yourself time to figure out normality again.

Of course the encounter made you feel a bit sick - he's using the same old tricks he's been using on you for years, so it's not surprising that you've had partially the same reaction as you have always had. You're not superwoman, and it's going to take a while.

But lala this is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:::

You wanted to comfort him, BUT YOU DIDN'T

Yes, he managed to go to bed without discussing what happened yesterday (which would have been his aim), but he didn't sway you

Well done!!!

NoWayNoHow Tue 07-Aug-12 09:01:33

X-post with your last post.

Why don't you walk up to him, look him in the eye, and say to him, "Give it a rest with the pity party, H, because if you think it's going to get you out of talking about the impact that your behaviour has had on our vulnerable children, then think again."

Don't play into his hands. He needs to see the new lala now so that he understands that his old tricks will no longer work.

More than that, Lala, you REALLY need to get him out of your house.

This head-fuckery isn't doing you any good, and it's just another thing to add to your plate, which is already full with taking sole care of your DC.

lagartija Tue 07-Aug-12 09:05:22

Glad to find you again, Lala...didnt know where the quiet place was. You sound in a much better place now, but i agree with NoWay you need to get him out of the house, he's messing with your mind.

LalaDipsey Tue 07-Aug-12 09:09:50

I think that's exactly how it is NoWayNoHow thankyou that makes sense.
He has now left for work without coming upstairs just saying a grumpy 'bye' as he left.

JUbilympiX Tue 07-Aug-12 11:37:43

Can you just ask him this evening, once the kids are in bed, in what way he found the session helpful? If you can, and he doesn't give you a straight, honest answer, you can simply say that you asked him this question and that's what you are talking about now. If you really need to placate him, you could add that you can talk about what he wants to after, but right now you both need to discuss this and reiterate the question.

Of course, if he gets angry or physical, get out.

LalaDipsey Tue 07-Aug-12 12:34:22

Yes I could (& should) ask him. it's just this urge to be really 'off' with him and not get into anything which takes over! You know, when you're being civil and pleasant but not warm or emotional? That's how I am with him now. Suppressed anger probably!
But I am intrigued so will try to muster up an attempt!!

LalaDipsey Tue 07-Aug-12 12:51:11

And I'm still feeling guilty!!!!!! I want to make him feel better. Uurrggggghhhhhhhh

GeekLove Tue 07-Aug-12 13:09:40

Everytime you want to make him feel better think of all the times he made you feel lik shit.
Have been a lurker but you have come such a long way. Unlearning the art of comforting a douchbag is hard. I found that when I bumped into my 2 years since ex I still sort of wanted to say hello and be friendly even though he was a manipulative little turd who i had flushed from my life.

Lala

My mum still felt guilty about my and I supporting my dad when he was dying although he had left her for bitch ow 15 years before.

Because she still loved him. And his wife 'didn't do hospitals' so it was down to us.

You can still love him but that doesn't mean you need to spend the next 40yrs being treated like a 2nd class citizen.

LalaDipsey Tue 07-Aug-12 13:33:37

I know!
Relate have just confirmed they will see us together which I think is a good thing. However the counsellor has said she will see me on my own if I want to for a session. Now I could and would like to but it would mean leaving all 3 dc with the nanny (mum is paying for a nanny to do 2 days a week for 6 weeks to help out) either tomorrow or next week. She has done 3 days so far. Seems competent. Dd thinks she's great. DTs would be asleep for most of it.
I've only ever left dc with my mum or my best friend. Only left all 3 dc once for my counselling session a couple of weeks ago.
What do you think?

LalaDipsey Tue 07-Aug-12 13:34:48

That wasn't a 'cocky I don't need your opinion' 'I know' it was a rueful, collaborative, how pants you are in a similar situation 'I know'

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now