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'Another man' has made me realise just how much my husband is not right for me. Is there any way back from this?

(110 Posts)
HazeyGaze Wed 01-Aug-12 14:32:48

I have been married for 14 years. I was only 20 when we settled down and bought a house together. We have 2 children, aged 9 and 3.

In the early days of our relationship, my husband was somewhat flaky and untrustworthy. I however, was besotted with him and could never face the prospect of leaving him.

He did however gradually grow up, and since we've had the children he has been very reliable and dependable.

He is a very placid, laid-back person who will do anything for an easy life. He has very little interest in anything, has no opinions on anything, has little in the way of a sense of humour, and absolutely no 'drive' to achieve or get things done.

Now this sort of thing didn't bother me much when I was younger. I still enjoyed his company and I suppose a critical factor in the attraction was looks. As I have got older I am finding all this apathy very unattractive and am really questioning whether I would be at all interested in him, if I was to meet him now.

Over the last 6 months, I have become very close to a man at work who is the complete opposite of dh. He's confident, opinionated, makes me laugh, and has lots of 'drive' for life. We are both clearly very attracted to each other, but equally neither of us want to destroy our families.

Physically, we have never let things go any further than kissing and I have now transferred to another part of the business so that we no longer see each other, although we do keep in touch by text.

Before all this with OM, I have never so much as glanced at another bloke. I have been besotted with dh for many years.

This OM has completely burst that bubble. Now I realise what it would be like to have a relationship with somebody that I can laugh and chat with on an equal level.

Sadly, I doubt very much that there is a future for me with OM. It is just too messy, and too many people will be hurt.

So now I am left wondering, is it possible for me to get through this phase of my life and 'fall back in love' with dh? Or, now that I have 'seen the light' am I never going to satisfied with the relationsip I've got?

BrevilleTron Wed 01-Aug-12 14:37:27

It would be messy. Do you think you could try and fall back in love with DH? Have a date night? Use the energy that you get from OM to spice up the relationship? Even blag that you've read 50 shades and want to try new things.
Sounds like you are in a rut. Would relationship counselling help at all?

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-Aug-12 14:39:03

This us typical of an emotional affair in that as soon as you fall for someone else you see all the bad things in your marriage and magnify them to the point that you don't think they are what you want any more...

I think you need to dismiss OM completely from your life and go for counselling to sort out your feelings for your H. It is possible to rediscover the live if it is still there.

SonOfAradia Wed 01-Aug-12 14:46:01

What skye said.

Looks like you're casting around to give yourself an excuse for an affair. Men do this in exactly the same way.

CogitoErgOlympics Wed 01-Aug-12 15:59:55

I think this is pretty common with couples that get together very young. Some people grow up at the same rate, develop along the same lines and still like the person they're with 15 years down the track. Others grow up at different rates, want different things and drift apart.

OM or no OM, what I would say to you is that the only person you can change in your marriage is yourself and not your DH. If you are fundamentally dissatisfied with the man he is or has become, be honest with him and set him free because he won't be any different 5, 10 or 15 years from now. If you think you can overlook his faults and engage with your marriage wholeheartedly, give it another go. But don't do the cruel middle-ground thing of disliking the man you've got, playing around but feeling like you have to stick with it, because everyone will end up miserable.

FussArse Wed 01-Aug-12 16:09:49

Also, bear in mind you are seeing OM in the 'fantasy bubble' that's common in affairs. You can bet that if you did get together, that bubble would burst as you got to see each other in your 'everyday' light. This 'perfect' image is helping you emotionally check out of your marriage by highlighting your husband's so-called faults.

Maybe browse for threads on here by women who've been cheated on. You seem to be following a similar 'script' to the cheating men.

BTW you have already cheated on your husband and children and you'll need to work out why you thought you were entitled to do that - what about your personality made that ok for you.

squeakytoy Wed 01-Aug-12 16:10:38

I agree with what Cogito said, and would also say you have to give your husband a chance too. He could well be feeling a bit stuck in a rut as well, which is a common thing for many couples, but moreso for those who got together while young, and often feel like they may have missed out a bit on the fun and freedom that their mates may have had during their 20's.

lolaflores Wed 01-Aug-12 16:16:27

Something very similar to this happened to me some years ago now. A man at work, so very different from my DH (we were not yet married). I am 9 years older than DH and different in our ways. I call him Binary Boy, life in his eyes is different from mine, but we have mutual views at the root of things.
Anyway, me and OM had a drunken kiss one night and it scared the shit out of me. The thought of the fall out and hurt it would cause stopped me in my tracks like you.

It made me reassess my husband, what I would lose was simply not worth a "grass is greener" day dream. OM made me laugh, loved the same books etc. It felt very profound at the time, but I grew to realise that he was a serial seducer of not only women, but inanimate objects. The fax machine, a cup of coffee. Does that make any sense? He needed positive feedback for himself and was reckless in getting it. What I thought was a unique relationship with him, was in fact being cloned all over the place in any shape or form. He like women, women liked him and a massive flirt to boot.

My DH is none of those things. He may be a colossal tower of indifference in some respects, but when the shit is hitting the fan he is the only person I want in my corner. Trustworthy, adult and a wonderful lover (when my back is willing) yet will put his own needs on the back burner when needs must. I had to fall back in love with him and it took a bit of a stock take about myself too to help this happen. But it has. And I am so glad that it did. I genuinely believe if I had let things continue with OM, I would be single now and regretting every minute of it. No regrets whatsoever.

If your relationship is really beyond saving, then leave on your own terms rather than falling into the arms of a seemingly better bet. They never are.

Xales Wed 01-Aug-12 17:17:59

You say that neither of you want to destroy your families. Does that mean OM has a wife/partner and children?

So basically what you are saying is that a man who would flirt a lot, get close to another woman, text all the time and go so far as giving himself permission to kiss another woman which will all take time, energy and emotion away from his wife and children is a better option that your reliable dependable H?

If he is happy to do this (and maybe more) to his wife, the woman he made vows to and his children what makes you think he would blink before doing the same to you in a couple of years?

If your relationship is over leave it honestly, not with lies and deceit.

HazeyGaze Wed 01-Aug-12 17:33:48

Yes, OM is also married with children.

Xales - I have very much tried to think about things from that way round.

I can't honestly say it has worked though. Probably because kissing him has not resulted in the kind of shock and fear that Lola describes above. I only wish that it had sad.

It is him that has put the skates on our relationship. Although he still tells me that he wishes things were different and that he wishes he could be with me, he has woken up to what he risks losing well before I have.

All this seems to have done for me, is secured his position up on that 'lovely man' pedestal and make me want him more.

God, I sound like a twat.

CogitoErgOlympics Wed 01-Aug-12 17:41:17

Not a twat. I know people like to think that those who go in for affairs do so out of pure malice or some kind of lustful self-destruct. But quite often they're a function of proximity, boredom, cockeyed romanticism and other pretty mundane reasons. There are a few lovely & unattached men out there and may end up with one of them eventually, but it's only fair to the one you've got sat at home that you either give him due warning that things are coming to an end.... or say nothing & make a big effort to get to know each other again.

Xales Wed 01-Aug-12 17:43:04

How often do you keep in contact by text?

If it is only a little then stop replying. Make yourself do this. Sort yourself out and accept that this man is not for you due to time and circumstances.

If it is lots then it sounds like he enjoys playing the noble sacrificing hero having you gagging for him.

Just think every time he makes you laugh he is probably going to go home and snap and gripe at his wife the woman he should be making laugh. Your laughs may be coming at her expense and misery. Every text he sends you is time he could be playing with his DC not wasted on you (not that in reality you are a waste, just a waste in these circumstances). Not really good pedestal material really sad

You have a chance to stop this now and prove that you are not really a twat. It hasn't gone too far.

Treat your current relationship and H the way you would prefer to be treated and walk through life with your head high rather than skulking and hiding.

sadgitswife Wed 01-Aug-12 17:44:44

your dh must have something going for him. try to get to know him again. do stuff together. get a babysitter or family to look after the children and go away for a weekend or just stay at home together. share some new experiences together ask him what's on his bucket list and do it. the OM at work will seem interesting etc because he's doing his job and what he's good at you haven't witnessed him having man flu or snoring all night or being hopeless at DIY or any of those annoying things you have to love them for if you live with them. Yes you could have a fling but is it really worth it?

springydaffs Wed 01-Aug-12 17:45:30

I really wouldn't take what you have experienced with this man as real. It is not a real situation and, as you say, he has become more glowing in your eyes because of his 'commitment to his family'.

pah.

HazeyGaze Wed 01-Aug-12 18:40:18

The texting is quite a lot really <sigh>.

I do sometimes wonder what is going on in his marriage because whilst he tells me that their relationship is fine and he feels very guilty about his feelings for me, he also stays up late nearly every night texting me.

I don't really quiz him about this, but I can't remember the last time he must have gone to bed at the same time as his wife.

I need to forget about him, don't I? I am going to miss the closeness and the friendship I have with him so much. It is something which I never had with dh, even back in the early days.

Houseofplain Wed 01-Aug-12 18:44:23

An om with a wife and children, who cheats on his wife, with a colleague. Isn't flaky and untrustworthy at all then?

He's the perfect example of an upstanding man? I hate this phrase and at thirty odd far too old to use it.

But just LOL.

crazyhead Wed 01-Aug-12 18:54:49

Good for you to have moved to another part of the business. Agree that you should stop talking to OM altogether and get your ass to counselling, with or without your DH.

If you leave, you'll need to know that you did so entirely based on your relationship being unworkable. Even if your marriage to DH is completely crap, if you are single you'll have moments of doubting your decision. At that stage, make sure you are looking back to a serious and mature decision-making process, not a fling.

Hmmm, what if you dh came on here and posted about his dissatisfaction with yu, for whatever reason, and said he wax attraCTED to another woman.... And that were you the best he was ever going to get?

You need to grow up, cut the OM dead from your mental and emotional life, and give your husband the opportunity to fight for his marriage. He deserves better. You sound nice enough to be able to do the right thing.

Good luck.

EdithWeston Wed 01-Aug-12 19:20:31

"This OM has completely burst that bubble. Now I realise what it would be like to have a relationship with somebody that I can laugh and chat with on an equal level."

No he hasn't. You've gone a little fantasy world. You have absolutely no idea what a rea relationship with him would be like, and I'd be ready to bet good money that even if you did get together with "fantasy man" he's be indistinguishable from your DH 20 years down the line - or rather less, as you're both older.

Bet you were happy laughing and chatting with DH at the heady outset too.

I agree with CES: your DH deserves better than this. If you really do not want to be with him, tell him decently and get on with it; do not leave someone dangling. He wou,d be better off with someone who is hapo to be with him.

And break it totally with "fantasy man" until you have sorted out your marriage.

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-Aug-12 19:48:56

My STBXH was texting his OW every day from 8am to 11.30pm at night. He started to go to bed later than me which was very out of character, but I couldnt see it at the time.

He walked out on me at the end of February saying he didnt love me any more, right out of nowhere. He came back for 6 weeks, then walked again. I discovered afterwards that he was texting OW over 100 times a day, all day every day. He was emailing her every day as well and having secret chats on facebook.

he would not admit that he was doing anything wrong, they are "just friends".

If you value your marriage at all, you need to stop all contact and work on your marriage, as I said on my earlier post.

I have been on the receiving end of your actions and its not pleasant at all. My marriage has ended because of my H's inftuation with another woman and I got the blame for it all as he couldnt live with me any longer, despite there being no problems previously........

your OM may not want to break up his marriage and then what will you be left with?

HazeyGaze Thu 02-Aug-12 13:19:29

Really appreciate all the helpful advice I have received here.

It really does seem to help getting it off my chest and seeing others' points of view.

I am struggling at the moment with feeling 'dumped' by a lovely man since he is the one backing off. I can't possibly put any serious effort into my marriage whilst I am feeling like this.

On the other hand, there's no way I would walk out on my marriage whilst I am in such a frame of mind.

If I allow myself time to get over the loss of OM, do you think it will be possible to get my feelings back for dh? What might be a reasonable length of time to allow myself to work through this?

Well, based on your description of the current marriage dynamic, I don't think you could get feelings back, as you phrase it..

It doesn't sound as if your dh is giving you much to work with. To be honest!

So again...talk to him. Explain how you feel and ask whether he wants to call it a day. I'm not saying you should stay married to him if you're not unhappy, I just didn't think you should morally and emotionally cloud the issue with the Om being part of the equation. That would never allow you to think straight.

Give your dh the chance to fight for you. And.... If he can't be bothered, then I'm afraid there's your answer.

But the OM is NOT YOURS TO GO AFTER. Do remember that.

Again. I think you sound nice, OP and I wish you luck..and a responsive and passionate dh!

Houseofplain Thu 02-Aug-12 13:30:55

I don't know...but if you don't snap out of it, and stop mooning for the om, whilst neglecting your marriage.

Your dh, may grow tired of you, and the choice may no longer be yours to make....

Jesus, house stop sugar coating the pill, already! ;-)

Houseofplain Thu 02-Aug-12 13:35:22

He has to fight for her!?! WTAF. She will be luck if he does not get fed up of the skulking and lack of effort and calls it quits himself.

Ops own words, she was besotted with her dh, before she met om. Classic finding faults to justify the affair.

Can you imagine. "My dh has been having an affair, he was besotted with me, but then ow came along. Since then he said he does not feel the same and finds fault with everything about me"

Mn "Fight for him". Seriously.

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