I don't know how to stop the criticisms swirling around my head!

[libbyssister]

I'm getting so wound up and teary because my parents will be visiting in the next few days and I'm scurrying around trying to make myself and my house good enough. If I don't, my 'D'M will starting picking away at it all, criticising the how and the why and the who.

For example, I've just pegged out my washing in the light drizzle because she thinks it's silly to use the tumble drier unless it's a laundry emergency. And even though I've done it I know that some things are inside out and the socks aren't together and I probably haven't pegged some things the right way. Because it's not HER way.

Multiply this by 50 billion variables and you can see that everywhere I turn there are things to tidy and clean, and with 3DSs, including a 2yo who keeps flipping out every 10 minutes, there's no way I can get this done.

Just dreading her coming. Haven't seen them since Easter because she was so unwelcoming and cross with me. And now I don't want to see her, but I want to see my Dad

How do I stop all of her criticisms and ways swirling round my head and how do I stop being so emotional about this?

[MamaCross]

No real advice except to just let it go and as soon as she starts with the criticism say something like "you take me as you find me" or "it might not be done your way but it is done nonetheless".

Ha! Wish i could take some of my own advice!!

[MamaCross]

Oh, but before you do anything else, get the washing out of the rain and into the drier. It's not going to get dry in the rain

[ComeonComeon]

no advice really but I know how hard it is to have a critical mother. Just remember to smile serenely and count to ten if she makes a single negative comment. Or the MN classic phrase, to be said with a cocked head and a quizzical look 'did you mean to sound so rude?'

[CogitoErgOlympics]

Get a marker pen and a big piece of paper, write the words... 'MY HOUSE. MY RULES'... on it in big letters and then magnet it to the fridge. Repeat it to yourself frequently.

No-one likes to have a scruffy home for visitors. Everyone tidies up. But do it to your own satisfaction and standards rather than trying to second-guess hers. Rehearse some assertive responses for any criticism....

1. Hand over the duster and polish with 'If you're not happy you're welcome to roll up your sleeves and help'
   
2. "This is my house and I do things my way. When you're at your house you can do things your way."
   
3. "I've been really looking forward to seeing you and, now you're here, all you can do is find fault. If you don't stop it right now, you can go home."
   

etc....

[SpagBoltTheFastestManOnEarth]

Stop. Breathe. Practise these phrases:

Did you mean to sound so rude?
And
That's interesting. I prefer to do it this way

Poor you, she sounds terrible.

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

I'm not sure I can actually help I'm probably the same with my mum but your post makes me wonder.. Would you want your sons to feel this way about you? I'm guessing not, so maybe try and focus on how you're going to make sure that doesn't happen. There's more than one way to do things and your mum's way isn't gospel on how to do things.

I know it's hard to let go of the idea that our parents are all-knowing, powerful, saintly beings.. But they are only human just like us. Stick the tumble drier on if it works for you! I hope the visit goes well. Stay strong, you're a grown up now!

[clam]

Allow yourself to believe that drizzle is a "laundry emergency." There, I've said so. Get it in off the line NOW.

[OlympyWindowMash]

Start by lowering your expectations. A tidy and clean house with 3 children is pretty much unachievable. If they are safe and fed and nobody is killing each other, then you're doing a fine job. If your mum thinks differently, then she's wrong. Try and take note of all the things you have done right (made breakfast for everyone, got kids dressed, etc, got the washing on). Take pleasure in all these small things you have got done. If you need the tumble drier to get the laundry dry, then fine, your mum sounds daft if she puts it out in the rain.

The problem is, even though she is not even with you yet, the criticisms are still there because you have them internalised and are criticising yourself. It's very hard to turn around the effects of a lifetime of criticism if you have grown up with that. It's like having an internal bully always there to put you down. Try and challenge the internal bully and tell it to get stuffed.

[handstandCrabForwardRollGold]

In my experience you feel emotional because it's the emotional part of your brain that's reacting as these patterns are set up when we're very young. No rational, logical thought process would lead you to pegging out washing in the rain when you have a tumble drier to hand. Or berating yourself about it.

I understand how you feel. My advice is to limit contact and tell them as little about yourself as you can so as to give your mum less ammunition. I think if she starts criticising your housekeeping you could ask her to help or make a joke of it and say you have far more interesting things to be doing than cleaning under the settees or checking for dust on picture frames. If the house is the main thing she gets at you for, perhaps meet them somewhere else and don't have them to stay in future.

Best of luck :)

[Silibilimili]

With mine, no tactic seems to work. Nothing is ever good enough. When we go shopping together, if I pick some
tomatoes, she will put them back and pick her own.

Over the years, I have answered back, shown my irritation, handed her a duster, stopped using drier in summer as if she is about, stopped running the water (don't ask!) etc. everything seems to be about control.
She wants to control how everyone lives, does things.
I now have no patience left and we end up frequently having arguments. I do not talk to her about anything. Avoid situations altogether where we may be together.

It's awful. I feel ur pain op, but I can't offer u solutions.

[libbyssister]

Thank you for the advice, it made me smile. I'm a grown up and need to stop being so flaky.

Seems to be dry out there right now but as soon as I see a spot of rain it's coming in. And I'm off to write a sign for my fridge

And just having the stock phrases might help me feel prepared even if I don't use them.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Wait - she's not even there. How will she know you tumble dried your washing today? (Not that it's any of her business, it's not her clothes you're drying.)

Wish I had that much power over my children

[CogitoErgOlympics]

Use one. I think the first time you tell your mother to take a hike, it's a bit of a shock to the system. But, like everything else, it gets easier with practice!

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

I think you have to bear in mind that IF THERE IS NO PLEASING HER, then running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to tidy etc before she comes is an absolute waste of your time.

The reason it is a waste of time is that YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PLEASE HER.

OP, you cannot get it right as far as she is concerned, so basically what I'm saying is don't bother wasting your energy. YOU CAN'T WIN.

I love the phrase "did you mean to sound so rude?' and hope I remember it when I need it next, very funny.

Perhaps what you need to do is concentrate your energies on not minding what she says. Try and think of her as mentally ill and unable to help her behaviour, try and picture her with Mickie mouse ears or a cartoon voice or whatever tactic you can to try and diminish the importance to you of what she has to say.

Any chance you can do this?

I really do sympathise and have had experience of this for many years with my mother, with whom I now no longer have a full relationship.

Best of luck, but a few deep breaths and a couple of subject-changing phrases could be useful....

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

OR... when she comes to the door and you open it, could you say "oh DM, I'm in such a mess as littlest DC has just tipped toys on floor and I have spilled milk, so I DO hope you're not going to have a fit and start kicking off when you see the place, otherwise I really might cry!"

[libbyssister]

silibilimili all sounds so familiar

There is NO PLEASING HER so I should it all down and go and play with my boys.

Re signage in the kitchen, I have one that says "Today I am going to be nice". I have stuck a piece of paper over "nice" and written "FORTHRIGHT" instead.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it's making me steely and determined.

[ladyWordy]

Cogito's posts are always a tonic? and My House, My Rules would be the first thing I'd do too.

Much sympathy with silibili and Scarlet?.It never works how it's meant to in the literature. I do feel it helps to think 1- she can't help it and 2- you cannot win this particular game, because she will never be pleased. She will never see it your way.

My suggestion is
<

? ie a dignified silence. Listen, but make no response. Make non-committal encouraging noises if you must.

If she steps over your boundaries, it's time for, did you mean to be so?..? Or whatever 'that's enough, sweetie' response you prefer.

Wishing you strength libbyssister

[libbyssister]

My Dad has just called to say that they're not coming until tomorrow now. They are staying locally in their camper. They don't tend to stay overnight anymore, uncomfortable beds/noisy children apparently - they've parked up on our drive before now and slept there rather than inside!! Which makes us sound squalid, but honestly we're not!

Will try silence at first, and hope I don't ground away too much of my tooth enamel.

One funny thing: DS1 came in, saw the 'My house, my rules' sign. He said "who's sign is that?" and when I said "mine" he replied "why is it your house? Daddy pays for it" We had a quick chat about that...

[TheNorthWitch]

D I S E N G A G E

Let her think what she likes - she will anyway. I cleaned/tidied all day before a relative came to visit - the house was sparkling. I had moved a plant on the windowsill and some soil had fallen onto it. She found it and ran her finger over it and commented on it. How rude - after that I didn't give a fig. I tidied up to my own satisfaction and left things undone out in full view so that she didn't have to go looking for them!