I have a v complicated family in law. So it's very difficult to think where to start. One problem is they are all very passive aggressive they have never been obviously abusive, there are things they are annoyed about but it's constant little digs in a way which are quite hostile however covered up in a way that if you were to ever confront the issue they would pretend it was unintentional. It's mostly done in texts.
OH has always ignored their remarks as he says he's used to it, this is how they all speak to each other hence there have never been any confrontations.
Problem is its got to the stage now where OH is having a breakdown, (has been prescribed antidepressants now) cumulated from all sorts of issues from childhood. Hes starting to experience different emotions however does not know how to deal with them as has always felt he had to repress them. They were never abusive, just very uninvolved. They chose to work and make money even when they were financially ok. When OH tried to talk to them about problems, they were never interested and it got to the stage where he reclused himself, during teenage years (to the parents they saw it as convenient). When OH tried to inform them of problems and even now if he mentions anything, the response is 'we rather not know'. They tried not to have favourites however have chosen (not OH) and SIL Has adopted the passive aggressive approach to life and is v sensitive to anything (OH and SIL are not v close.
A couple of recent events,
We have a 2y.o DD, however recently MIL and FIL have started to act v oddly. We don't see them v often because of distance however we decided to visit them a few days and they appeared To be absolutely thrilled with the idea, all the way up til when we arrived. When we arrived they reduced their hospitality to zero and went on their ways as though we weren't there, and even on the one occasion they were with us when we all went to the farm with dd, MIL chose to stay in the car. I know it sounds trivial, but I would have thought and they made it sound like they wanted to spend time with their son and DGD. They have never spoilt DGD, however funnily enough have said they'll get their opportunity to spoil when SIL have kids.
The main oddity is when we were planning our wedding they insisted we invite all the family, however when OH aunt got married, she invited OH but excluded myself and DD. (we met this aunt once v briefly when DD was born so am not sure what we've done to offend..) MIL went along with it, even defending the decision saying it was blood relatives only and tried to guilt trip OH to go anyway. It's a long way so with all the effort, OH didn't go as he said he'd only go if we could. However later on we find SIL's BF was invited... 
There have been other events but don't think there's the space to go through it all and don't want to bore any one who has got this far!
It's just difficult, as I know the actions don't sound like much, but it is damaging, I'm worried DD may feel the rejection in years to come, and OH is having a breakdown from it all however is still trying to see the good in them, trying to defend their passive aggressive behaviour and saying they aren't doing all this intentionally. It's difficult as they haven't been abusively cruel. He says hes happy to put up with it and doesnt want confrontation, hence has always allowed his family to speak to him in what can be quite a nasty way. But im worried for his welfare and DD. he wont tell them about the meltdown as they wouldnt care and would probably blame the 'stress' of having a child. They appear not to approve of me as we have v different values and over the last few years on the few occasions we see them, have made it v difficult for me to make conversation with them.
Apologies this is so long, and tedious. I almost feel ridiculous writing this as I know there are issues far greater than this.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Commplicated Family
soupandsnow · 30/07/2012 21:05
Thank you, i think I do need to let go and ignore it. They never contact us, sometimes they will text OH to make a remark, sometimes about lack of contact, but would expect him to call. It's v difficult for him to not contact them because it gets worse. In the past SiL would text to 'tell him off'.
Through all this OH just says he feels nothing. Just wants an easy quiet life. I just feel its impossible to keep things the way they are, Xmas... Dd bday, will be a dread, as they are there out of duty, for DD birthday they just took themselves in a corner... Only involved when DD's friend threw a ball at them! 
Would it ever be an option for OH to see them alone if it got to that? As it seems it's ok if they ask just for him, but if we ever suggested myself and DD didn't go, there would be a lot of internal back lashing behind my back and it wouldn't stop!
OH is still half in denial about their actions, he wants to think they don't mean any of it and I think in a way wants to believe they've done nothing wrong, which does anger me sometimes.
I just wish they could acknowledge their behaviour and be honest and direct with any issues they have! But you are right i need to acknowledge they are unlikely to change. I just don't like the way they're still having a major effect on OH and they are completely oblivious to it all, they can treat us appallingly but we have to keep quiet, expect us to extend invites to them and attend the ones they ask us to, but only to the ones they actually include us in!
Apologies, I think I just needed to 'unload'. It's v difficult to talk about it to anybody. I think I'm just hoping there's a way out there to fix it as I feel DD does deserve 2 sets of grandparents that love her.
Oh bless you. Don't worry about unloading - my friends groan knowingly now when I say MIL's name!
Not much more I can add except please don't take it on yourself to feel responsibility to facilitate good grandparenting for your DD- it can't be done! Sadly it's down to them to step up- if they don't then you can only protect her from anything that is likely to be damaging ( inconsistency most likely)
Good luck and keep unloading- it's good for your mental health 
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.