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womens attitudes to crossdressing

(878 Posts)
calikid Sun 29-Jul-12 01:16:24

hi everyone,

i write this as a response to the numerous comments on a variety of posts regarding reaction to any stories where crossdressing is a subject. Firstly i'd like to make it clear that i am male and as such appreciate i may be laying myself bare to the onslaught of comment that is likely to come my way. although male i love to wear "womens clothes". What I would like to know is simply why shouldn't I. can anyone give me one valid reason why I shouldn't? because I have never been able to think of one.
I am happily married with two dds and a beautiful wife , all of whom i love very much. My wife knows all about my dressing and has been with me to a couple of tv gatherings. i told her not long after we got together and she was totally fine with it, we have been married now for 8 yrs. we do not let the children know as they are still quite young.
In all other respects I am very much one of the lads......I like football and beer (but then so do many women!), i work in construction, I teach martial arts, I help with housework , I don't mind ironing(coz i can do it while watching tv!)
I take a size 10 and look pretty good in a skirt and heels, but then so does my wife, its just she can do it whenever she pleases and good for her. its just the injustice and ignorance of society that infuriates me.
I'm curious to know how the rest of women feel about the issue

crazyhead Sun 29-Jul-12 07:54:06

Theoretically, absolutely no issue with it, no issue hanging out with people who was cross-dressed or whatever, none of it.

Re my OH, wouldn't mind at all if he was crossdressing for some fancy dress party, but I would struggle if it was a regular part of his (sexual) identity. Something to do with how I fitted into that picture, maybe? And, to be honest, my sexual enjoyment of his maleness.

I have to say, I would completely expect OH to have similar reservations were I to strap my breasts, chop my hair off and go out for a regular 'male acting' night out. I would expect that to potentially disrupt OH's pleasurable sense of my 'femaleness'.

I am sure there are couples where that would be completely acceptable and even an important part of their lives, but I don't think it is as straightforward as prejudice in cases where people DON'T like it.

All of this goes to show the importance of being upfront and honest like you have OP, so you can get together with the right woman for you smile

You should be allowed to wear whatever you choose, but why do you want to wear women's clothes? They're shit! They're either too tight or falling off or too revealing, not warm enough, not hard wearing, have no functional pockets, restrict movement or are actually painful. The one exception I can think of is big floaty skirts - they are bloody comfy on a hot day and I think men are missing out by not wearing them.

My dh does. Started after our marriage and to be honest, it has just about killed most desire in me for him. I don't give a toss whether its my own intolerance, societal conditioning, whatever, but he said nothing about it before the marriage and I feel it changed the goalposts without my consent.

He is a depressive and it really helps him cope. If I were to ask him to stop it cold, I'd have a very depressed husband.
Often laugh when I read posters on here, saying oooh its only clothing, etc. I wonder how some might react if it was presented to them, with no real choice.

I love my dh and want to support him, but this has spoiled my marriage. I won't divorce him, but the deep resentment is there.

I couldn't give a hoot about the vast majority of other people cross dressing, but if it was my husband I would be shocked. I'd like to think I would be supportive but it would come as a surprise & I can't honestly say how I would deal with it. I don't think it would be a deal breaker but it would take some adjustment.

crazyhead Sun 29-Jul-12 08:43:21

LostMyIdentity - I can well imagine that I might feel that way too. I think it is too big an issue to just not mention prior to marriage.

Glaringstrumpet Sun 29-Jul-12 08:43:34

I wear jeans, tshirt, baggy jumper and functional rather than titillating underwear (am female). But cross-dressers (im very limited e) wear frilly stuff, stillettos, plunging necklines, tights (the most uncomforable item of clothing invented) so are not cross-dressing but dressing in some parody of womanhood (a bit Edna Everage).

To have a need to do that seems v weird to me and I would ask about the relationship they had with their mother.

Looksgoodingravy Sun 29-Jul-12 08:56:58

I know somebody who cd. I've seen him wearing a bikini in the summer. I don't 'get' it. I would like to understand more as to why you would choose to wear feminine clothes, for a start the shoes are a bloody killer, save your perfect feet wink seriously though tbh if dp came downstairs wearing my clothes I'd be mortified, I would find it hard to feel desire for him.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Sun 29-Jul-12 08:57:28

Op why do you feel the need to wear a dress?

If it was just clothes why not jeans and tshirt?

What is going on in your head when you do this?

Is it any different to playing dress up as a child?

Does it change your personality or the way you see yourself?

If everyone was fine with it would you wear a dress to work or would it loss its appeal?

I do not know any cd but i would be fine with it. I would have a lot of questions for them. If it was my husband then i would need reassurance that he was not gay not wanting to be a woman and that he still fancied me and set boundaries around it. I would not be happy to be railroaded over it and i dont think i could fancy him in girly clothes as im attracked to maleness!

TimeWasting Sun 29-Jul-12 08:58:41

DH was prob wearing a dress when I met him. They all used to dress up when we went out, played gigs etc. Big Manic Street Preachers fans.
They weren't pretending to be women though. That was saved for Halloween.

You must be quite skinny, DH at 6'2 and very skinny was size 14 minimum.

CogitoErgOlympics Sun 29-Jul-12 09:04:12

Anyone can wear or not wear anything they like as far as I'm concerned. But, because I find men in women's clothing faintly ridiculous, and because I like partners to be people I can respect and take seriously, I wouldn't find it any more appealing in a boyfriend than if he decided to wear a clown outfit in the evenings. That's not 'women's attitudes', however, it's purely mine.

Concentrateonthegood Sun 29-Jul-12 09:04:31

I used to have a boyfriend that cross dressed but he wouldn't have wanted to "out" himself in public. I was fine with it and used to help him with his make up. If he'd wanted to go out in public, if we had stayed together and I had developed a love for him, I like to think that I would have been supportive and accepting of WHO is was.

DinahMoHum Sun 29-Jul-12 09:06:23

i havent got anything against it, had several friends who were crossdressers and have a friend who is trans. I dont know how id feel about it in a relationship. One of my exes used to do it sometimes and it was never a problem, but I think id find it hard to think of a man as strong and dominant if he dressed in girls knickers. Great for a dominant woman, but not for me.

anairofhopeFORGOLD Sun 29-Jul-12 09:06:55

Also when i think of a male cd i think drag queen or Larry the cable guy in a pink tutu and cant take it seriously. I never think of a 20 something watching football in a navy dress and court shoes!

If it was my son or a relative or friend i would be fine with it. I think when you put it in a sexaul contect people are unconfotable with it

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere Sun 29-Jul-12 09:08:13

Doesn't bother me what you do.
I wouldn't fancy my oh in a frock.
I would still lve him but I wouldn't find him attractive.
If I am honest I wonder about the apparent tendency (I don't mix with a lot of cd) to me hyper feminine. Most I have seen wear high heels, 'sexy' clothes, fishnets etc.
Clothes most of the women I know wouldn't be seen dead in.
But I don't know if my perception is just because they are the most noticeable rather than representative of cd generally.

Malificence Sun 29-Jul-12 09:48:03

I find men in womens clothes repulsive, most of them look like Gollum in a dress and go out of their way to look like some revolting caricature of a woman.
I couldn't be attracted to my husband if he wanted to wear womens' clothes.

caramel1 Sun 29-Jul-12 09:48:48

I have no problem with cd, both my dad and my 1st exh did it.

The problem I had, with my xh, was that it became part of his sex routine, the only way he could be turned on was to wear a dress, a huge turn off, its a wonder we had our son.

My dad wore underwear mostly and nighties, I knew about the undies, but found out about the nighties after he died.

izzyizin Sun 29-Jul-12 09:50:01

I don't have a problem if one of my paramours dons one of my kimonos to make me breakfast/answer the door/lounge around until we get dressed, nor do I have a problem if they put on one of my frilly pinnys and a pair of my fancy rubber gloves (with faux diamond ring & painted 'nails') to unblock the sink/drain/loo.

But I would have a problem if, on donning an item of my clothing or on wearing women's clothing they have bought for themselves, 'Paul' became 'Pauline' and expected me to engage with her 'woman to woman' for extended periods of time because I would have concern that 'Paul' was pyschologically fragmented, if not tormented.

And this from a gal who'd welcome the opportunity to jump on Eddie Izzard's bones grin

Malificence Sun 29-Jul-12 09:52:55

Eddie Izzard looks like a man, even in make up and high heels, in the same way Phil Oakey did in the early 80's.
Big difference.

ElsieMc Sun 29-Jul-12 10:02:54

Your wife is fine with your cross-dressing, but you have to accept that it is outside the boundaries of the norm for a lot of people. I worked with a cross-dresser and although it did not particularly bother me in that it did not affect me, the fact it was all highly secretive lead me to believe it was a compulsion he was ashamed of, his wife was not happy with and the impact upon his children of this being discovered did not bear thinking about in the town we live in.

You are quite right, you can dress however you choose so long as you accept other people's right to be uncomfortable with your way of expressing yourself and the possible impact upon the people you love.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Jul-12 10:06:59

can anyone give me one valid reason why I shouldn't? because I have never been able to think of one

we do not let the children know as they are still quite young

OP these two statements show that you obviously can think of a reason because otherwise, why hide it from your children?

So I think if you can work out why you feel you need to hide it from your children, then you may find your answer.

I like football and beer (but then so do many women!), i work in construction, I teach martial arts, I help with housework , I don't mind ironing

Also, you yourself are assigning gender roles here as in 'football, beer, construction, martial arts = manly - housework, ironing = woman's role hmm

'Helping' with housework does not go down well here. Think about it. Is it mainly her responsibility and you 'help out'. If so why? Because she is female?
Because you work outside the home?

Peachy Sun 29-Jul-12 10:09:29

Doesn't bother me, FIL went through a long phase of cross dressing (I suspect he only stopped because his new partner insisted).

Although said if my Mark became Marsha it might be a deal breaker not because of what he wanted being wrong, but my own hang ups about what people think. Outside the home I think you'd need to be quite strong to cope with that. Maybe my love for DH would be enough, i'd have to find out.

izzyizin Sun 29-Jul-12 10:15:13

Exactly, Mal. Wearing women's clothes doesn't appear to compromise Mr Izzard's masculinity and, while he may express more than a passing interest in the latest trends in make-up, nail varnish etc, I don't get the impression that he has a feminine alter ego named Edwina or some such or that he spends inordinate periods of time 'mincing'.

HecateHarshPants Sun 29-Jul-12 10:19:27

you don't 'help' with housework. you do housework. Unless you see housework as her job? I bloody HATE the 'help with housework', 'help with the children', 'babysat my kids' shit that some people come out with.

Re the women's clothes. It's really very simple. It's because society doesn't find it acceptable.

Nothing more than that.

There is no 'reason' why a man shouldn't wear a dress and heels. Women wear trousers and that's ok. It's just because most people think it's weird.

People think it's weird because it's not the done thing, it's not the done thing because people think it's weird...

It's also because a man dressing in women's clothes is seen as a sexual fetish and therefore to be seen out and about in women's clothes is uncomfortable for people who think it is being done to get a sexual thrill.

These are not my own opinions. I am speculating on the reasons why society at large frowns upon men in twinset and pearls. My own opinion is dress how you like, couldn't give a shit grin

izzyizin Sun 29-Jul-12 10:26:54

I'm not so sure about that, Hecate.

I used to frequent a hostelry popular with Army personnel such as Grenadier Guards and the like.

Every evening a gentleman could be found propping up the bar while he nursed his pint. Nowt unusual about that except he was c6' tall, short back and sides, moustache, and invariably wearing a pearl necklace and earrings, twinset, pleated skirt, stockings (may have been tights) and court shoes.

No-one gave him a second glance grin

coppertop Sun 29-Jul-12 10:36:23

The only reason that women wearing trousers in seen as generally acceptable in our society is because women have had to stand up to ignorance and prejudice and insist on wearing them even when others didn't approve.

Even now, there are still stories of schools refusing to allow girls to wear trousers as part of the school uniform. There are also still formal social occasions where it is expected that women will wear dresses or skirts.

Personally I really don't mind what other people choose to wear or not wear. I do think though that it's not entirely accurate to say that women are free to wear whatever they like and whenever they like, while oppressed men have to wear trousers.

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