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Midlife crisis: this is the script!

(108 Posts)
Abitwobblynow Sat 28-Jul-12 08:47:28

This is from the midlife forum! As my H followed this almost word for word, I thought you might find a chuckle of recognition, too. PS Women can also do this, so because English doesn't have a mutual gender word, substitute OW/OM etc as required.

MIDLIFE for Dummies

Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journeys you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! This book is designed to help you make sure you get the most emotional bang for your buck.

In these pages are the "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!

Chapter 1 - Choosing the Correct Speech

There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:

a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.

b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.

c) We got married too young. I never knew anything besides you.

d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.

Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.

Chapter 2 - Lessons in Building Anxiety

You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.

Lesson 1 - Monstrification of Your Spouse

This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.

Lesson 2 - Emotional Detachment

This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3

Lesson 3 - Mass Confusion and Indecision

This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.

Lesson 4 - Lies and Deceit

To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.

Chapter 3 - The Other Woman (or OW)

Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it.

Chapter 4 - Cake Eating

This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).

Chapter 5 - History Revision

It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!

Chapter 6 - It's All About You!!

Remember this is all about you! What you want and need, RIGHT NOW! You shouldn't have to wait until you can afford something, just go on out and get it! You deserve a new haircut, new clothes, and some new toys. You've worked for it. You would probably look great in that new Convertible, or on that new Harley!! So don't hesitate! You live in the here and now! So why wait until tomorrow!!

Remember, the word is CRISIS and if you are in one, EVERYONE else should have to ride the Roller coaster with you! It's no fun taking a ride alone, and you know what they say about misery loving company! Go on out there and get started, so much pain and damage, and so little time!

Chapter 7 - Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away

This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone.

If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!

Chapter 8 - MC and Therapists

Your spouse may ask you to go to counseling with her. This is only useful to make them feel better. It cannot possibly have anything to you so there is no reason for you to follow-up with anything suggested--it doesn't matter to you. The only thing you should look for is more reasons (excuses) for avoiding, running and ignoring (see previous chapter).

Chapter 9 - I Don't Have To if I Don't Want To and You Can't Make Me!

Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything.

This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!

Chapter 10 - How To Threaten and/or How To Move Out

You threaten to move out for weeks or months but you don't. (*)You tell your spouse that you got too much on your plate right now to look for a flat but that you will do so in 2 weeks time. After 2 weeks, repeat from (*).

If your wife wants to come too close to you, like entering your bedroom to talk to you, tell her to stay away or you will move out. When she replies that you will move out anyway tell her that you will move out faster if she comes any closer

Chapter 11 - Art of Clinging

The Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed while still sharing it with your spouse.

Chapter 12 - Advanced Lessons

This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the LBS has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed.

"I am tired of living like this/I don't want to live like this anymore/I am not going to live my life like this?" often is coupled with another advanced tactic, "It's not you, it's me".

This line is most effective AFTER the LBS has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the LBS is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the MLCer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.

Appendix

HOW TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE THINK SHE IS CRAZY

1. When confronted by the evidence of an EA or PA, become very indignant. Stress that the LBS is obviously just a jealous sob/bi*ch, and you are entitled to "buddies" of the opposite sex.

2. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" manoeuvre that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.

3. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do. This tactic is also extremely beneficial when they employ the MLC diet. When they lose a massive amount of weight and you are in ear shot of someone who mentions to spouse about the weight loss, say "Are you losing weight? Why don't you ever tell me things?"

4. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counselling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counsellor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OW. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.

DON'T LET YOUR SPOUSE GET TOO INDEPENDENT - STATEGIES FOR SUCKING YOUR SPOUSE BACK IN

1. Make negative comments about OW or the chances that the relationship with OW will succeed. HOWEVER, under no circumstances, make any commitment to end the relationship with OW.

2. Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact.

3. Do random acts of kindness such as garden work or something. That will keep your spouse confused and hopeful.

4. Make vague comments hinting that things might work out between you and your spouse IN THE FUTURE. HOWEVER, under no circumstances take any actions to work anything out.

CUSTODY - Using the Kids To Your Advantage

If you have children, they can be extremely useful for inducing fear and panic in your spouse. Recommended phrases include, "You're poisoning my kids against me", "You put that idea into their heads", and "You need to do [insert pertinent action here] for the sake of the kids'." Remember, your spouse, being a responsible and loving person, is not only trying to cope with his/her own feelings, but trying to protect the children, and you can use that to your advantage.

Don't forget to use the fact that if you spend any time with your kids, you should get Extra Credit Bonus Good Parent points from your spouse. It doesn't matter if you feed them ice cream for breakfast and have them watch "Hellboy" when they asked for "Veggie Tales", you Just Wanted To Make Them Happy, and since YOU are the best judge of Happiness, that makes you Super Parent.

You can use this opportunity to trash talk your spouse ("Isn't this more fun than what Mommy/Daddy would let you do?" "Mom/Dad doesn't know how to relax.") which of course, will be repeated back to your spouse so you get the benefit of destroying their self-esteem second hand.

Highly advanced MLCers may want to start casually using the word Custody, but be very, very careful. While useful for sending your spouse into a state of panic, you certainly do not want to be responsible for a bunch of kids who will seriously cut into your personal fun time. The word Custody should only be used in a casual tone of voice for the most devastating effect.

BUTTON PUSHING

You (the mlcer) know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game (see section on how to use "custody" to upset them but not take on the "custody"). And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.

THE BLAME GAME

By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouse's fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.

There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.

Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement

I'm trying not to blame YOU

This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).

Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement

I don't think that I can live with you.
My opinion never mattered to you.
I can't live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.
I don't want to live this way anymore.

These are passive statements that don't actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can't help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.

Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement

You never listen to me.
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You never keep the house clean.
You are going to do it your way.

All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don't really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.

Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults.

Make sure that you don't actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn't want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.

Note: NEVER ACTUALLY ADMIT TO ANY FAULTS OF YOUR OWN!!!! REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY! YOU ARE THE GOOD ONE, AND HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, LIE, SPEND MONEY, OR ANY OTHER THING, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE BAD!!!

Let's not forget "We're just incompatible - we always were."

Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL. If all else fails, put the LBS down for being so willing to change herself for your needs. Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL."

How to keep you spouse guessing...be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....

HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON

1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.

2. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS's idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that:

a. the LBS lost all that weight and obviously has been involved in an affair, and

b. the marriage ended because your LBS spouse is going through a - YES! THE PINNACLE OF CRAZINESS! - Midlife Crisis!!

Copyright The Midlife Club

nkf Sun 12-Aug-12 11:58:50

Don't know whether to laugh it cry. And there was me thinking it was my own private hell.

skyebluesapphire Sun 12-Aug-12 12:03:54

this is amazing isn't it. I bumped it for somebody who was asking out what to look for - signs of an affair. and obviously there are some of you who missed it the first time round.

I read it and identified with nearly every single thing (and still STBXH is denying OW!!)

3kidsand4cats Sun 12-Aug-12 13:20:35

this actually made very uncomfortable reading for me, because so much of it relates to my experience. i suppose it is comforting to know that we are not the only ones going through the fallout so we can lean on each other. these men think they are all so unique - ha!

skyebluesapphire Tue 14-Aug-12 21:23:17

Bumping again for somebody.

SpiderManMum Tue 14-Aug-12 22:34:13

I've had all this practically word for word. If it wasn't so true it would be funny. How the hell can they all be so consistent!?

nkf Wed 15-Aug-12 09:45:35

It is a truly painful read in many ways. But, it also makes you realise how little what they say have to do with you. It really is their script, their issues, their crisis. And to think I fretted over what he actually meant.

skyebluesapphire Sat 18-Aug-12 23:45:32

Bumped again for a couple of new threads

MissFaversam Sun 19-Aug-12 00:14:34

Excellent grin

CremeEggThief Mon 20-Aug-12 23:00:47

I love it!

Springhasarrived Tue 21-Aug-12 07:24:22

How supremely accurate. Even down to the part at the end when they turn themselves into the victim.

My Ex believes that he his adult DC's dont want anything to do with him because ^ you told them first^ that he had left. Absolutely nothing to do what he has done. Him wrong? Never.

skyebluesapphire Tue 21-Aug-12 08:15:26

My H is currently playing the victim, how he has no money etc. should have thought about that before walking out..

CremeEggThief Tue 21-Aug-12 08:26:20

Snap, SkyeBlue! That's just what I had to listen to, when he was here at the weekend! He has to take out another loan to make ends meet- even though he earns £4000 a month net! confused

AmberLeaf Sat 25-Aug-12 12:29:33

NKF
It is a truly painful read in many ways. But, it also makes you realise how little what they say have to do with you. It really is their script, their issues, their crisis And to think I fretted over what he actually meant

God yes!

skyebluesapphire Sun 30-Sep-12 02:21:27

bumped again for somebody

VforViennetta Sun 30-Sep-12 03:59:31

I do get this, but what kind of justification would a person give, for plain wanting to leave the other person?

It seems whatever you say would be covered by this, people split up and move on all the time, they can't all be having a midlife crisis or be narcissists, it comes across as bitter pop psychology.

curiousgeorgia Sun 30-Sep-12 09:11:10

Another voice to add to this both sad and funny thread.

My ex to an absolute tee. Only this week I have got to the point where I was about ready to give up and hand absolutely everything over to him from a divorce settlement which he planned with OW but didn't entirely go their way.
I have spent a whole year pursuing first, mediation (which I knew wouldn't work because ex is such a liar), and then the legal process to get a fair split.

What is maddening and almost pushed me into giving in is that he repeatedly refuses to sign the Consent Order so that I can finally get rid and he can have the life with the ow that they want. That's what doesn't make sense to me. I (like the OP suggests), did file for a divorce I didn't really want at the time but now see how right for me and my DD it is.

If I had wanted out of my marriage and was truly glad to be free and with the person who meant more to me than my spouse I would just walk away and get the matter settled as quickly as possible.

I haven't given in by the way. I see him as clinging on to the last vestige of MLC because once it's all over he has no place left to hide - not even a MLC!

fiventhree Sun 30-Sep-12 12:26:29

Or he loses all control over you, finally.

Abitwobblynow Sun 30-Sep-12 19:12:45

Or, has to pay/have consequences.

McBuckers Tue 02-Oct-12 05:02:15

If I wasn't actually living in the hell created by the MLC script I would be laughing my arse off.

Although my hubby is only 34, this is exactly what he's doing at the moment.

skyebluesapphire Tue 02-Oct-12 08:14:33

It's sad how they follow it to the letter.....

Fosgoldlady Thu 04-Oct-12 09:48:26

Only just seen this - and I wish I'd had it available when mine left/was planning to go......it's so reassuring to know that it IS a set pattern and not me that had descended into madness (which I spent the time telling myself it wasn't me going mad to the point I found myself thinking my denial must be a sign of my madness if that makes sense!)
Mine told me he was going after a night out to celebrate my birthday - and told dd on my birthday, the following weekend as I insisted that she be told at a weekend and not on a school night. His reaction - 'But that's your birthday', my response 'Some f'ing birthday I'm going to have regardless mate!'.......it gets better - following weekend was 1st wedding anniversary!!!! hmmgrin!

skyebluesapphire Thu 04-Oct-12 09:52:57

Fosgoldlady - yet another twunt to add to the list then.....

Mine walked out a fortnight before my 40th birthday, party planned, holiday planned a fortnight later for DD's 4th birthday. When I said I would have to cancel the party, he said "you can still have the party, it will do you good". I said "Oh yeah, great, have a party to celebrate the fact that I'm 40 and my husband just left me!!" I think not!

(For the record, he came back, played happy families for 6 weeks, then cleared off again on Easter Monday).

Fosgoldlady Thu 04-Oct-12 17:22:24

Oh, and 6 weeks later insisted that we did the 'happy families foreign holiday', even saying it would be good to get a nice photo of all three of us - ffs!!!!!! He actually said 'I thought I could say I'd made a mistake and come back' - err what happened to the word SORRY!!!!

Solid gold, aren't they skyblue!

raspberyfool Thu 04-Oct-12 17:56:16

Snap Stbxh left 3 days before a holiday and 2 week after moving to new house. Had the nerve to say to me give the girls a good holiday for me. Yeah right husband just left me. Had a devastated 4 year old dd and 4 months old dd to look after needless to say did not go on holiday. Two weeks later he had a gf .

Fosgoldlady Thu 04-Oct-12 18:10:35

You have no idea just how much good this thread has done me - I'm so sorry to hear that you've all been through it too - but by God, to know it wasn't just me PHEW!

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