My male friend asked my advice and I really have no idea

[PrincessOfSnails]

so I thought I'd see what MN wisdom says:

He started dating a lady he met on the internet a couple of years ago but after a very short honeymoon period he started having doubts.

Her mum was terminally ill so he felt he was being a bit of a * by finishing with her and so he just let it drag on and kept chickening out of being straight with her. He did try to make her see that they should finish but each time she would talk him round by threatening suicide.

FFWD to the May just gone and they finally called it a day. He did that thing where they offer to stay friends but she said no she wanted to sever it completely.

He's started dating a new lady and it seems to be going pretty well, but now his ex is ringing and texting him pretty much every day. He hasn't responded to the texts and he hasn't answered or returned the calls but there are a ton of voicemails. She keeps asking him to call and in one of them said her mum had had a heart attack and was really ill.

He doesn't know whether to keep ignoring her or respond to her in some way and if so how.

I think he feels a total * for ignoring her but also doesn't want to 'encourage' her or give false hope. I said maybe she'll get the message and give up but he says she's really thick-skinned as well as strong-willed. He's worried it's going to affect his new relationship which he seems to want to make a go of.

I've never been in either his or her position (fortunately) so I don't know what to tell him really. Any ideas?

Oh and I'm not the new woman posing as a concerned friend btw, I am just a friend!!

[glastocat]

I would say keep ignoring, cruel to be kind and all that.

[peppapiglet]

as hard as it is he needs to cut contact, be consistent for the sake of his new relationship, for the sake of his ex and for his own sanity! very hard to do but he will ultimately be doing her a favour.. otherwise where does it stop?

[loganberry12]

Can he change his number ? If not no contact she'll eventually get the message.

[ladyWordy]

He is going to have to cut her out. She is stalking him, and the situation could get worse if he gives in.
He is not a ???? but is absolutely doing the right thing. The ex is not healthy and there is nothing he can do about it I'm afraid.

Block her out and keep her out.

[KickTheGuru]

I also say cut contact. I would go so far as to change my number if I were him...

[cocolepew]

Ignore , shes trying to emotionally blackmail him by mentioning her mum. He should change his number

[PrincessOfSnails]

Yes I believe he's doing the right thing too, but he's a nice fella who feels terrible about it. He can't change his mobile as it's a work mobile. He's about to move house so I guess will get a new home number at least.

[Numberlock]

Delete the texts and VMs without reading or listening, then he won't be swayed by the sob stories.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

As she has form with emotional blackmail (and she's picked her victim well by the sound of it) he has to ignore her and block her number. She'll get fed up with him eventually.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... she's not Russian or anything is she? Not one of these 'ladies on the internet' that have horribly sick relatives for whom they need lots of cash etc?

[ladyWordy]

He is indeed Princess, try to urge him to be strong.

The key is her thick skin and strong will, ie she doesn't take no for an answer. Suggest to him not to trouble himself with her feelings? he doesn't know what they are, and if he did, he might get a nasty shock.

While many stalkers are male, some are female, and they can make your life an utter misery if you give them any quarter. Don't go there, mate!

[PrincessOfSnails]

I think I'll emphasise to him that what she is doing is stalking (I hadn't thought of it as that til you lot said it and I don't think he has either) and also how it could jeapodise his new relationship which he seems really hopeful about. Thank you all

[Numberlock]

As an aside, the problem is exacerbated as it's his work mobile she's ringing/texting so he can't just switch it off and ignore it. This is the reason I have a separate phone for internet dating purposes. I can just throw the SIM away if I get any loons. It won't help with this particular woman but might be worth noting for future reference and buying a private phone as well as his work one.

[doinmummy]

Could a male friend phone her from the work mobile and say something along the lines of " I have been given this phone for work and I would be grateful if yo would stop using this number. I dont know who had the phone before me but they haven't got it now."

[PrincessOfSnails]

I've lost count of the times I've advised him to have a separate phone (I do, and I'm not internet dating!). I think his reason for not doing is he can barely keep track of one phone never mind two.

[Spuddybean]

If he answers after x amounts of texts/messages and her saying her mum is gravely ill, He is teaching her is that it takes x amounts of texts/messages and her saying her mum is gravely ill to get his attention. Then he will need to start his resolve again and she could up the ante even more.

He may feel bad but he shouldn't back down. Tell him to read the stalking chapter in the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Beck (?) and nip it in the bud.

[TheHappyHissy]

He needs to call 101 and report this. It's serious. He would NOT be wasting their time, they will do something about this.

On NO account must he EVER return her calls or answer. It will only reward her stalking with a result.

The separate phone is an essential if internet dating. really. I had to get the police involved myself, but for far less than this.

I think he needs to do this, also get her number blocked if possible. The police WILL prosecute for harassment for much less than you describe.

If all else fails, he may have to discuss this at work and get a new work mobile number.

She is targeting him, this is nothing to do with him being nice or not nice, she is harassing him and that is a crime.

[Viviennemary]

It needs to be reported. No other way to stop the calls. Agree this is harassment. Against the law.

[Longtalljosie]

I think the simplest thing for him to do would be to change his number.

[schmarn]

He has done the hard work of finishing with her and cutting off contact. Under no circumstances should he break now. They are no longer friends, that was her choice, remember. What are the chances that she is calling now just to be friends? He knows her history and he knows that this is about emotional blackmail. What would be cruel would be to reestablish contact now and give her false hope. She will wreck his new relationship as, inevitably, he will get caught furtively deleting texts or taking calls at inconvenient hours of the day and night.

I thought about whether it is worth sending her a one line text confirming that he will not reply to any of her messages but that will simply invite more contact. He should block her number or change number and bring an end to it. He should also tell his new GF about it briefly just in case she has to field a phone call or surprise visit from this woman.

[Cokeaholic]

If this were the other way round with a woman being harassed by a man threatening suicide and using emotional blackmail re sick/death's door parent what would be your advice ?

He's going to have to go no contact & remain no contact. Ask work for new phone number due to harrassment, possibly offering to pay and throw old sim card away.

Hope she doesn't have his new address as that should help with cutting contact.

If this fails he has to involve the police.

[igotaway]

totally ignore her, it will only escalate. my exP had a woman like this, he finished with her nicely, but she would not take no for an answer. she turned into the stalker from hell for 3 years! she was under the assumption that I was his girlfriend that he had thrown her over for and i was not.
She posted me on the www as a prostitute, she wrote to me - all hate mail, telephone calls, texts, emails, she got a man to call my son at school asking for massages, she undid my bolts on my car wheels, one came undone and I was nearly killed.... i could go on and on, but might hijack your thread Princess. Nip her in the bud NOW!!!!!!!

[whatthewhatthebleep]

It doesn't sound like this woman is going away quietly...phone the Police and get advice about them paying her a visit to give a warning about harassment/stalking/un-wanted contact

[TalHotBlond]

Keep ignoring - if he responds even once it will encourage her to keep trying.