Desperately need a shoulder

[Twosugarsplease]

Ok, sorry if this is long....met my dp nearly 5 yrs ago, my 2 dc's moved in with him and his dd, we then had our own ds together, he works hard, I stay at home with d's, soon starts nursery.
My stomached is churning typing this, never spoke to anyone. My mum lives 70 miles away, my sis and brother too, I moved over here to be with my dp.
Love him to bits, however, really having problems with his dd, I'm step-mum.
I don't want to go into that, scared he could somehow read this, but my feelings have built up re my dsd for a couple of yrs now, just can't bond with her, not 100 %
She takes pleasure in trying to get my d's (teens) into trouble, is very loud and attention seeking, had trouble setting boundaries, quite soft in beginning but as dp said, treat her as my own, so since then same rules apply etc she has on one occasion mentioned to her gran, I don't do her washing ! I felt cornered as this was put to me while visiting. I never stop in our house, everyone's washing basket is over flowing at some point ! She will grunt, huff and puff, storm upstairs, cry, on occasions if I tell her off for some reason or tidy room etc otherwise, very polite, caring, and does none of the mentioned to her dad, this has over time built up to stop me getting close to her.
I am bankrupt and now don't have my house to rent out anymore, no bank account, money I have I usually ask for off my dp, which 9 times out of 10 is always spent on food, I'm not whining I don't get enough money, but I'm desperate for things, that I put myself last for. I have nothing to call my own, have no independence financially.
I'm so sick of being down most of the time, that not long ago I packed my suitcase and took my ds's, and our little d's to the train station, travelled quite far, got our tickets, but couldn't get on the train. I had arranged for my dsd to be collected by our friend and neighbour, but couldn't let dp go home to find me gone, so I rang to let him know, once I was on the move( didn't want to put my dc's through a confrontation) he was devastated, and talked me round.
So now....still feeling same especially as period is about to raise its ugly head, my dp has noticed my low mood coming back and always worries I'm going to have 'another flip' he described it last night as'if he had hit me, I would always be on my guard he would hit me again' quite true, I've hurt him, big time, and scared the life out of him. He loves me so much, as I do too, I'm scared I'm not going to get any better x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you and your husband need to talk and be 100% frank and honest with each other about the stresses and strains on your relationship and your feelings. Everything from the finances to the your lack of independence to how the house is managed, the time he spends there and so on. It's not talking and not being listened to that usually results in someone going off the deep end, packing up & leaving or whatever. I would recommend setting up a weekly get-together precisely to talk and if 'working hard' is code for 'never spends any time at home', that's part of the solution.

On the step-daughter, she is his responsibility. It's OK saying 'treat her as one of your own' but that has to be backed up by him. He has to make it clear to her that you're in charge, she does as she's told and any backbiting or lying to grandma about laundry will be dealt with severely. No more hiding the truth from him because she's obviously gambling that's what will happen. In return, get to know the kid and let her get to know you. Take her out for days just the pair of you without any of the others. I'd tell any mother of four to do the same thing.. i.e. find some special time with all the children individually where you do something so that they feel valued as people in their own right rather than part of a crowd. Then you might start to appreciate each other.

[Twosugarsplease]

Thank you for that cogito, I have tried, I used to spoil her rotten, when I had money of my own, only to find them stuffed in a drawer and not worn, I arranged dance classes, which she soon didn't want to attend, I take her with me to shops etc, if I can't buy her anything in particular, I get rolled eye looks, and sulks, she is almost 11. Suppose I feel I'm the dragon now, as I shop for the household, and probably not as much fun now. I agree with more time spent, just always gets thrown back in my face, so I start again.
Dp has given me full reign as 'mum' and I've had to toughen up, maybe that's the problem. The comment she made to her gran frustrated me, that I had no back up from dp, my reply was clear, 'if clothes, underwear, we're not stuffed in cupboards, bags etc as a way of 'tidying' then they would be washed. I fear for the future when she is a teenager, and scared my dp doesn't see it as I do and IMO causing trouble...as on other occasions, hasn't though since the time I just had it, and left, she knew the argument between her dad and me started with her, as by that time I'd just had enough x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think a lot of 11yos do the eye-roll, sulk, everything's so tedious, pre-teen thing... you don't have to be a step-parent for that. But you have to persevere. Rather than impose the day out, ask her what she'd like to do (within reason, obviously, and avoid shopping trips if she tends to spoilt brattery). However, if it's her choice of activity that kind of eliminates a lot of the eye-rolling potential. Be warned, you may end up doing something truly grim like having your nails studded with glitter, but it could break the ice.

DP has to back you up and you must insist on it. If she thinks she has the power to drive you from your own home, she will be unbearable.

[Twosugarsplease]

I understand she is only 11, and couldn't possibly think like that, but she has saw as a result of asking me and I said no and then her dad who questions me, why not, and surely can I not see ?..and so on in front of her many times! That I did what I did in leaving. I need to stand my ground. My dp always thinks I'm over reacting, on this and most other things that rile me, sometimes I will agree, but when I feel strongly about things, I need to be heard, not knocked down. I will try more on the fun side x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Trust me, an 11yo is quite capable of making the connection. All children know which parent is the tough one and which is the soft touch. They are master negotiators for that reason. This is what you desperately need to firm up on before you go any further. Not just the DD but all the children.... if one of you makes a decision yes or no, the other has to back up the other parent 100% of the time, no discussion.