Difficulties in the process of becoming a step parent

[feelsreallytricky]

I have a wonderful DP, he is lovely and such a doting Dad to his young DD. His devotion to his DD is one of his real qualities.

What I find difficult is how emotionally detached he becomes with me before during and after access. I'm not asking for unreasonable amounts of attention, but I do understand that I have issues with this detachment that are my issues alone.

In the run up to access he goes very quiet, barely speaks and is very closed. During access he will instigate conversations by phone or text but his messages are really cold and short and there is no closeness when we speak on the phone. After access it is as if we have to start again and build the closeness back up again.

I do come from a difficult family in which my punishment from parents was to have love and warmth removed, so I know this is a trigger for emotional distress for me.

Is it just me or do other non resident parents do this?
I would never ever want the access to reduce, and in time his DD would hopefully come to us rather than just to him. We don't live together yet, but really hope to in the future. Other than this we have a beautiful relationship.

I do have other worries about the future. I have DC, I'm skint and am not in a position to give DC what I would like to be able to give them. DP apys maintenance, I would not want to be with a man who didn't. He also says that 'whatever DD wants she gets' and spends huge amounts of money on her, which is lovely, but down the line we may be in a position in which we live together and share finances, and I would expect all of our DC's be to treated equally. There is no way that I could spend on DC the way he does.

I've namechanged by the way, I'm a regular in this topic in particular.

[DeckSwabber]

Not in the same situation as you, but I used to get very uptight when my kids went to see their dad. Really, really unsettled and bad tempered. Couldn't make sense of my emotions or speak to anyone else about what it felt like. Eventually routines got established and it got better, but it took a while.

Do you ever do stuff together when his daughter is with him or is it too early days?

[littlebluechair]

Hello, I'm a stepmum myself, for quite a few years now. I think sounds bad tbh. I expected my then dp (now dh) to have less time and attention for me when dss was there compared to when we were alone, but I would expect the same emotional warmth. The distance you describe sounds horrible.

It is the same when our kids are in the room nowadays - we are nice to each other and still warm/caring/loving just busier and more focused on the kids.

I'd be very worried about a person who withdraws emotionally like that - being busy does not have to equal being cold.

[littlebluechair]

Oh, and beware the 'disney dad' who buys their children whatever they want. This leads to massive problems especially if two sets of children end up treated differently.

[feelsreallytricky]

Thanks for your replies :)

Sometimes his DD comes over, she adores me (it's mutual) and follows me everywhere. This doesn't happen too often because I think their time together is really important. Also I don't usually invite them over because he has been so distant! We are not affectionate towards each other because this is very new for his DD, and to be in his company after him being so emotionally distant doesn't actually appeal to me.

The coldness is really hard to handle. The texts are usually warm and friendly until he has access. DP is a really lovely guy with so much love to give but it seems that he can only direct it in one direction at a time. He also 'zones out' and doesn't hear a word I say, and I find that really rude. This can happen at any time, but always before access.

I'm really fucked off with it to be honest. The emotional detachment is now a weekly event and there is no need for it. There is no way on this earth that being in the company of a child means you have to be this way, otherwise I would permanently be distant and detached!

[feelsreallytricky]

He is a total disney Dad!!! No rules, boundaries etc, which massively affects his DD's behaviour. She is good as gold for me, although she did say that I say 'no' to her a lot when I first met her, but that was because I will not be jumped on, thumped etc like DP is. His DD's Mum puts in rules etc and she is really good at home.

[feelsreallytricky]

Thinking about it, if we were to go on to have kids together I would always be the bad guy wouldn't I? :(

[Dahlen]

I think you need to have this discussion with him.

If he's only getting to see his DD on his own, then I can understand why he may come across as short on the phone or by text. His time with his DD is limited and he probably wants to concentrate on her instead of phoning/texting you. That sort of thing would probably improve over time as you became more involved.

The distancing before and afterward may be because he hates the separation from his DD and while he can push it to the back of his mind most of the time, before and after contact he has no choice but to think about it and finds it totally overwhelming.

The spending issue is much more significant, and if you were going to live together you both need to be 100% in agreement about how you are going to ensure all children are treated equally.

But whether he's a dad struggling with missing his DD or a potential cold fish, and whether he's a fair man who will treat all DC well or a man who will treat his like a princess and yours like the poor relation, the only way to deal with this is to talk to him about it. You couldn't go far wrong by simply saying word for word what you've put in your OP.

[Dahlen]

X posts there.

The lack of boundaries would be a major source of friction for me I'm afraid. How would that work with your own DC?

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

I have a step son and really can't relate to this. My DH's relationship with his son is hugely important to him and I give him time and space for it but I never get the feeling that I am excluded.

It's really hard for the NRP to get the balance right but I would worry that it would get worse as she gets older and is used to exclusive attention from him rather than mucking in with family life.

[OldernotWiser47]

Hi- go have a look in step parenting, particularly redhens and petals threads, who have real problems with Disney dads, and brdgrl, who seems to have managed better. My DP also is a bit Disney,but we don't live together yet, and in no hurry,as I can see problems lying that way...

[littlebluechair]

Thing is, even if it is early days, there's no need to be cold in text messages because his daughter isn't going to know. For example, my dh wouldn't call while busy with his son, of course, but we still had a nice chat after bedtime. Giving lots of attention to your child and being pleasant to your partner is normal I would say. The amount you want to demonstrate it in front of the child shouldn't affect your tone in private.

I'd also be v worried if he is cold towards you in front of his daughter, she may pick up from that.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't like the sound of him and I think you would definitely suffer if you had children with him. I think he would differentiate between the child you have together and your own children. Please don't do that to them.

Personally I'm wary of anyone who is cold to me at any time, if I've done nothing wrong. It's a massive red flag. It's as though he's blaming you for his situation. Actually you sound like a better parent to his DD than he is himself as you give her boundaries and in return she adores you.

I wouldn't want to continue in a relationship with someone like this. Sorry.

[AThingInYourLife]

Is he really that wonderful?

He ignores and stonewalls you for a part of every week. What's so wonderful about that?

[feelsreallytricky]

Wow I can't believe how kind your messages are, I felt somewhat intimidated by the step parenting board, which is why I came here, and expected to be lynched.

I'm so glad it's not just me, and it is wrecking an otherwise lovely relationship.

The conversations we have when he is with his DD are mainly instigated by him, as I like to let them enjoy their day, so I don't understand why they are so detached. There is just no need.

Dahlen I think you have hit the nail on the head about how he feels in the run up to his access. He stresses and has started to plan activities (she has been really good for him as a result) but there is no need to withdraw from me during this process.

We had a few problems early on as after a couple of drinks he became very distant and would talk intensely and incessantly about this DD. I couldn't get a word in edgeways and felt as if he could have been talking to anyone. It was too much.

It's great she is the apple of his eye, and I would be horrified if my wants were ever put before her needs, but this is too much and it is every week.

[Dahlen]

I think you're handling it very fairly, reading your later posts. If he's seeing his DD that regularly, then his behaviour becomes less understandable and more just downright rude.

I dont know how comfortable you are in this relationship, but could you point out that this sort of obsession with his DD could potentially be damaging for her? His pain at being separated from her is perfectly reasonable, but his need to exclude everything else could be very suffocating for her (especially as she gets older), and making up for perceived lack of input by lavishing material goods in their place never ends well.

Sounds to me like he could do with some form of counselling. How long has it been since he split from his DDs mother? If it's been some time, this is unlikely to get better all by itself, which is something you might have to factor in to any decision to move in together.

Hope you work things out.

[feelsreallytricky]

Almost 3 years on from the separation he still struggles with not being with DD. I think he also feels vulnerable to rejection from her. If he tries to stop her from doing something she shouldn't be doing (eg hitting him) she will taunt him by saying she will never visit him again. I tell her that nobody is allowed to talk to anyone else like that in 'this house' and she stops.

But yes, his weekly emotional check out is downright rude. I've got to the point where I withdraw in response now and it was always me who would pull us back together after access before. That's not my job as it's not me who is pulling away.

Cor, he and I need a big big chat :(

[feelsreallytricky]

Hmm he just walked out. We are off to a festival tomorrow, went shopping. I had lots on my mind, the worries I have posted about plus a hugely difficult day at work. I'm not my usual singing and dancing self right now, and for that he got angry in the car and stormed out of my house just now.

We didn't even get to have a conversation. He knows I'm disgruntled and this has really made him angry.

DC just asked if DP has just stormed out. Not sure wtf to do tbh? If I say that yes, he stormed out then he can kiss goodbye to DCs trust.

He is impossible, more so when it doesn't go his way. He stormed off because I wasn't impressed at being elbowed in the stomach in an attempt at childish attention seeking.

Getting angrier with every word I type

[littlebluechair]

I think he's starting to show you who he really is now the honeymoon's over. He sounds quite annoying!

[feelsreallytricky]

I think the honeymoon ended a few weeks ago, when he felt sure enough of himself to withdraw from me completely whenever he pleases...

I feel so angry, so fucking angry!

DC know something is up, impossible to ignore really, as he announced very quietly that he was 'fucking off home' and told me to sort my head out.

He's blown it. He's had a tantrum in front of DC. I would never have done that to his DD.

[taxiforme]

Hi

I can really sympathise. I am a SP of three with no DC of my own and its a real land mine area.

I can empathise as my ExH was JUST like you described when he made his twice yearly visits to his mother. Cut me off, silence all day, gradualy getting more and more moody in the car until there was no point saying anything, being blamed for everything, short, curt and rude.

One word, guilt. And boy, did she make him feel guilty.

He is externalising to you when he can't express about his daughter to her his exw/p. For whatever reason, he doesnt live with her and can't be her full time dad and feels guilty. Its all out of his control so he is hitting out at the one person nearest to him, you.

I dont think the answer is to confront him but to try and be understanding. Try to be positive in the approach when you speak to him about it otherwise he will just close up. Have DSD and DP on your territory, it is easier to be in control.

AS for distracted, what is it about men? I had to discuss something with my DH tonight and he decides to rearrange the tea and coffee jars , no eye contact..whilst i was talking about a nasty incident with his exw and DSD.

I think maybe you need to take control a bit and not submit to his moods and his distraction when you are discussing things. I also feel for you with your own upbringing and neg feelings, I think taking control is all the more important in this situation to gain some confidence with these feelings and your past too.

Join in the SP board, dont be intimidated XX

[feelsreallytricky]

Ok, maybe not quite a tantrum, but the immature adults equivalent.

[feelsreallytricky]

Yes, I think he feels very guilty towards his DD, but it was beyond his control. Or maybe his ex didn't like treading around his all important moods?

I had planned to explain how his actions make me feel, and ask him to be aware and try to change. He would have been more likely to absorb that and respond positively than if confronted.

Our future was all there, it was in the bag. This was the only thing I needed to be different.

[taxiforme]

Bless you, thats crap.
Can you just say that last line to him when you explain, it says it all.

[feelsreallytricky]

There is something so lonely about the person you love emotionally withdrawing from you. When I was blanked and ignored I felt ugly, like a joke.

I'm in shock

[taxiforme]

This is something that you usually are made to feel at the end of a relationship, not the beginning.

I don't ever tell people to get rid. Mile in my shoes ect but take some time to re assess your priorites. The adrenelin is likely pumping now so take some time out.