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Can i have some advice please.

(94 Posts)
carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 16:43:41

Can i have some advice please.
(3 Posts)

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carernotasaintMon 23-Jul-12 16:07:31

Its about my DBs daughter whos 17. Her parents my DB and his ex split up when she was a toddler.
DN is now at college but hasnt been doing all her coursework so to punish her she has been stopped from going on hols with DB. Shes also been made to close her Twitter account and they have confiscated her mobile phone (its a very old phone with NO internet access.) just calls and texts. Last time they confiscated the same mobile phone for TWO YEARS. There is no way she can contact extended family.
At the moment she is on a placement locally and has asked me if i have a spare phone she can have. I do (i was going to give it to her anyway as DH bought me a new one for my birthday.) this phone DOES have internet access but i would rather she had a phone just for safety sake.
Over the weekend theres been another problem. Shes managed to get a message through to me that her younger brothers used to beat her with certain implements.
I told DH and hes told me not to take it seriously. Hes also told me not to sneak her the phone as it will cause trouble for DB and he might be stopped from seeing her. What the hell do i do

Darkesteyes Wed 14-Nov-12 00:04:14

OP here.
Well the day of my last post on this thread i gave her the phone.
But her DM found it this evening and came round to mine. She ended up having a go at DH because i was in the bath.
Then she (DBS ex) went round to my parents place wanting to speak with my DM who wasnt in. my DF said he "sent her away with a flea in her ear" So now my 17 year old DN has no phone and goes to college in another town half an hour away.

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 01:05:33

To be fair to DB though he doesnt have any idea that its this bad. (though he does know stuffs been confiscated but i dont think he knows the confiscation of the Kindle is indefinate.
DB and GPs have been told in the past not to send too much stuff back with DN. (as in birthdays and Christmas presents etc)

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 01:00:11

She can get on the computer some of the time but i have my doubts whether she can meet the deadline shes been given.
She wants to go back to college if she gets the marks. She was told at home to get a job but could only find a voluntary one which she is enjoying so if she can find a temp job at least thats some money.
I could be wrong but i have a horrible feeling her SD doesnt want her there. The foreign holiday is somewhere DN has always wanted to go. I cant believe they were actually contemplating leaving her behind.

izzyizin Fri 27-Jul-12 00:55:39

Some men can't man up - but we sure can, honey grin

izzyizin Fri 27-Jul-12 00:54:23

But she needs internet for her coursework and she can't access it at home because her half-siblings get priority.

O jeez, please get her out of there. It may not be pretty but so fucking what - let him kick off; he can't harm her any more if she's living with other relatives who'll care for her.

The problem will be undoing the damage he's done to her.

And don't make her feel she's got to go on holiday with him.

If you should be able to get her a paid job, get onto to Child Benefit and make sure they know she's no longer in full time education.

When it comes to the welfare of dc I have absolutely no compunction about channelling my vengeful inner goddess and letting her do her worst.

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 00:48:25

izzy i AM on a mission now. DH has a running joke about me and DB
He says im the one with the balls.

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 00:46:31

She thought that she had to be 18 to move out and is counting down the days to her next birthday. I put her straight on that yesterday. she said they took the Kindle cos of the fact that you can get the internet on it.
But you cant get the internet on her mobile or MP3.
She also told me that she got into trouble at college for being an hour late one day cos she had no mobile where she could call them and tell them she would be late. That was the last time they confiscated the mobile.
then she had it back for a couple of months. now theyve took it again.

izzyizin Fri 27-Jul-12 00:43:32

And the sd claimed that he and her dm couldn't afford to take her on holiday with her half-siblings?

Jeez, if I were you I would so be on a mission! angry That knobhead wouldn't know what hit him. She'd be out of there in a hearbeat. grin

izzyizin Fri 27-Jul-12 00:41:13

I think you need to convince your db to listen to his dd. If she's a reticient type of girl, or perhaps has been made to feel hopeless and helpless, can you not be with her while she tell's your db what's been going on and how she feels? If I were you I'd also be having word with the GPs.

As far as your dn's concerned, she needs to know that she doesn't have to live with her sd and dm; she's been free to vote with her feet for some years now and there's no way that the police/courts nor anyone else can compel her to live anywhere she doesn't want to.

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 00:38:15

Its situations like my DNs that are only going to get worse if they do bring in the "no housing benefits for under 25s rule."

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 00:37:05

Im going to try and help her find a paid job. Work experience is all well and good but she needs money.
She hasnt got any. They are making her put everything aside for the trip abroad in Sept. I do realise shell need spending money when abroad but she said she cant even afford to use a phone box.

izzyizin Fri 27-Jul-12 00:33:32

Your dn sounds utterly crushed. What a horrid life she's having at a time when she should be marvelling at all of the wonderful possibilities that are available to her as she stands on the threshold of adulthood and of becoming all that she can be.

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 00:33:12

Im going to try and convince her to talk to DB. She HAS to. There is plenty of space at my GPs and they would have her in a heartbeat i think.

izzyizin Fri 27-Jul-12 00:30:00

Would it be feasible for your dn to live with her GPs?

We can all get worried about our dcs futures at times but your db needs to know that getting angry with his dd because she hasn't done coursework that she's now struggling to complete is not the way forward.

It seems to me that this young girl has had more than her fair share of angry adults in her life and it could be that she'll thrive, and so will her studies, if she's living away from her main protagonist.

Your dn was meant to be going away with her df and his gf this weekend? If I was him, she'd be going - no if's and no fucking buts!

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 00:21:26

my DN has actually told me she doesnt want to live there anymore. She says she wants to live with her GPs. MY DB actually rang here earlier tonight and chatted with DH (i was in the bath) when DH got off the phone he said "i really dont think your DB knows half of whats going on.
Think DN is too scared to say anything for 2 reasons.
1. cos DB got angry when she failed to do coursework cos of what hes paid out for the course and cos hes worried about her future.
2. think DN is also too scared to say anything cos it will make things worse at home.

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 00:16:42

This holiday is a seperate one thats happening in Sept. My DB is holidaying in this country from this weekend with his GF.
The hol that my Ps have helped out with is so that DN can go abroad with her mum stepdad and the siblings that her mum and stepdad are both the biological parents of.

izzyizin Fri 27-Jul-12 00:15:21

Where does your db stand on this? I'd be going apeshit if my dd was being treated in this way - and confiscating the Kindle he gave her? Fuck that for a game of soldiers angry

Does your dn realise that she can leave home any time she wants?

izzyizin Fri 27-Jul-12 00:13:37

So is she going on the holiday or not? Who's got her passport?

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 00:10:26

And apparently it was the SD who threw DNs mobile so it hit the floor before confiscating it.
She says that her Kindle has also been confiscated INDEFINATELY. (birthday pres. from DB.
She is trying to complete her coursework but as its the school hols the other kids are on the computer a lot.
A week and a half after confiscating this stuff they confiscated her MP3 player too apparently as part of the same punishment.

carernotasaint Fri 27-Jul-12 00:04:36

the family (DN her brothers and sister and DBs ex and the SD (her husband) are due to go abroad soon.
They did say a few months back that they couldnt afford to pay for DN as well so my parents (DNs GPs paid for her ticket. (i have NO problem with this)
But i strongly suspect that the SD was saying that they couldnt afford it cos he didnt want DN to go (the younger kids are his biological children) and so when her GPs stumped up the cash he couldnt use that excuse anymore.

izzyizin Thu 26-Jul-12 23:56:55

Mmmm... so he's the tyrant one who believes in OTT punishments? And your db and his ex go along with it?

carernotasaint Thu 26-Jul-12 23:45:57

Met up with DN. It seems some of the problems are being caused by her stepdad.

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 22:32:15

Thanks offred and to the rest of the lovely ladies whove posted on my thread both in here and on Chat. It has helped me get some perspective so thankyou.

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 22:30:35

Derailing - stupid autocorrect!

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 22:29:59

Anyway, detailing territory now... Really think you should call NSPCC yourself, which is a step before SS and will give you good advice.

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