How do you cope with the lonelieness?

[RunningWithSharpScissors]

I separated from my H about a year ago. He'd been having emotional affairs for about 10 years which I tried to deal with, but in the end I had to give up because it was making me so unhappy.
But, he was still my friend, he still looked out for me, was supportive, was nice to me etc.
Now I'm on my own, I'm so lonely, I'm still unhappy and now there's no-one there either.
I had been married for nearly 30 years. I hate being on my own. I've tried internet dating, but my heart just isn't in it. I'm so confused, I don't think I love him any more, but at the moment I feel that anything is better than this loneliness.
A few years ago I would have given anything for a weekend of peace on my own, but now it's looming ahead of me, it's just something I have to get through before I go back to work on Monday.
My friends are all couples, I've tried to make new friends, taken a couple of evening classes, but I find it very difficult to 'chat' or make small talk. I feel like I have nothing to give any more. My self-confidence is through the floor, I feel so desperately empty.

[fizzfiend]

This is something I never expected...the loneliness. Have lots of friends, but many have families so a lot are away during the summer. Am now wondering what to do with my friday...will probably be on here all night. Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, just to let you know you are not alone. Am also feeling disillusioned with dating, etc. The only thing to do is fill your time and make sure you don't have too much time to think.

For me this means lots of TV which is not great, but it helps. And I try to count my blessings. My DC is lovely, we're all healthy and alright financially for now. I think trying to imagine the future is not a good thing....mine looks pretty bleak to be honest. But things can change from day to day...I know my self-confidence is pretty low right now but I just try and pretend most of the time, but have a few close friends I sometimes pour my heart out to. I also try and remember that lots of married couples are very unhappy but are not brave enough to make a change.

Having said all that, I'm in on Friday night, by myself and feeling very blahhhh. Maybe Alan Partridge will cheer me up later on. Things will get better...and remember too that not everyone who is out having fun is always having the time of their life.

[Ragwort]

What are your interests/hobbies? There are loads of organisations that would welcome you with open arms - you would be busy, you would be valued and you would meet other people - some of them may become your friends.

I am involved in lots of different organisations all of which keep me busy, happy and active.

There must be something that interests you?

[RunningWithSharpScissors]

thank you ff
Filling my time is quite difficult. I used to be very creative, had lot of hobbies, but my inspiration/motivation has gone. I feel like I'm only half a person. I miss someone in the bed at night, not just the sex, but just physical closeness.
I know I should be grateful for my happy healthy kids (and I am), and I know there are lots of people in far worse situations than mine. But there's just no-one 'there' any more.

[RunningWithSharpScissors]

sorry ragwort, didn't see your post, but kind of answered it anyway. I'm probably just feeling too sorry for myself today.

[Annielove]

I completely understand, i separated from my husband 8mths ago after he had had a few flings. I have had a couple of internet dates and although not great they were a distraction. I work all week but i also got a Saturday job in the local shop. It is pretty sociable and gives me extra money!! It is hard but the key is keeping busy like fizz suggests. I try and plan my weekends in advance, see friends whenever i can ,read , garden, take the dog out, anything than sit indoors!! There are lots of people like us out there and lots of people living in really awful relationships. Sometimes you are lonelier with someone. So deep breath retry the dating scene when you are ready and keep trying new things!!

[tuffie]

So sorry you are feelingso sad. I think Ragwort is right - perhaps stop thinking about meeting someone special, and instead do some voluntary work. It will make you feel needed and lift your self worth. And you will probably meet some lovely people.

[Allalonenow]

I could have written your posts RunningWSS. Like you I was in a long relationship; I really miss the close physical contact, and dread to think that I will never be held again.
I keep hearing jokes that I would have told him, or discovering something I would have shared with him, then come with a sick jolt to remember that I can't do that anymore.
Fridays are hard for me, as it always used to be our night for a special dinner together, and a bowl of cauliflower cheese eaten sitting alone is just not as much fun.

[RunningWithSharpScissors]

Allalonenow, yes the sharing thing, i miss that too. The thing is, I probably could have all that back, but I would have to have the other stuff back too :(
I thought it would get easier with time, but it seems to be getting more difficult.

Voluntary work is a good idea, anyone know how to go about finding some? I work full time so it would have to be evenings or weekends.

[sadwidow28]

When I lost my DH I thought I would never get used to the loneliness. Like you, I tried evening classes to try to meet and make new single friends because I wasn't invited to 'couple' activities. Nothing worked until I rescued a dog from the local dogs home. Yes, I never thought I would have a dog - ever. But he gives me the purpose to walk in the park or by a canal every day. I take HIM for days out (yeh! yeh! yeh!) so we walk on beaches and in forests. I can even call at a pub and get a meal and drink and sit outside with him. You see, I am not sitting on my own. I meet other dog walkers and chat pleasantly with them each day. The house isn't empty any more.

It might not be the solution for you but I thought I would share it with you as a possibility.

[fizzfiend]

sadwidow is right...a dog really helps. You meet so many people and it forces you out. Having said that I don't want the commitment of a dog, although I'm sure I will one day.

I know exactly what you mean OP...it's just someone to call when something boring happens to you. And having someone in bed is so nice...the closeness thing. I have the same problem too - I can't get motivated to do anything...I wish I were a stronger person but I just want someone there for me. I feel pretty pathetic saying it, but honestly it is probably human nature, except for those lucky Alpha women who just get on with it.

The only thing that keeps me going is that I am guessing this is a temporary time in my life. I just have to hope for that...I am making lots of plans for nights out with friends. Internet dating is not for me..too fake. But life is full of surprises...don't give up hope. You know how one day you feel so bad, then the sun comes out, you bump into an old friend, everything seems better.

Sorry...I'm the wrong person to talk to really as I'm in a crappy place too....but I have to say I have started to take pleasure in the small things. Do keep busy...even if it is watching movies/TV...or reading a great book. It's been about a year for me too...anyway, misery loves company...so hello...we're in the same boat and you're not alone...

[sadwidow28]

The other thing I do OP is I offer child-care for my LN.

He is asleep upstairs as I write. I have him for the next 9 days (another story) but when I looked at him sleeping soundly in his bed as I put his light out, I knew I make a difference to his life and his Mum's.

I am taking LN on a narrowboat cruise for a week and he has friends joining him each day (that helps other Mum's with child-care arrangements also) I will hear children's laughter and watch them playing. The dog will join in of course.

I am not looking for another partner - I just want my life to feel happy and fulfilled. I start by being a good, supportive SIL and friend.

[RunningWithSharpScissors]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies :)
A dog is not for me, but it's a great idea. I know its only me that can help myself really. I'll try to think of my situation as temporary too

[jynier]

RWSS So sorry that you are feeling down - am in the same position as you! Sundays are the worst for me!

Have no words of wisdom really, but I do try and make sure that I have achieved something positive when I'm low even if it's in a small way!

Best wishes

[MyLittleMiracles]

I think all single patents get lonely, I sure as Hell know I do. Before leaving exH I had never lived alone before. I moved out of mums and into his tenancy etc, then all of a sudden no one was around. I just keep busy when I feel lonely, and then once I have exhausted myself sit in the evening with a film on. Til next time I get lonely. I missed the kisses and cuddles. I still do, but after 8 months I am more used to it. We were married 6years and I am almost 24 and sometimes I feel double that after a long day with little man in a hyper mood.

[tuffie]

RWSS . Look up voluntary work online and it will give you an idea of what is out there, depending on your interests. When I was going through a lonely time, going out and helping others was just the tonic I needed. It made me stop feeling sorry for myself , and instead made me feel useful. There are some lovely people out there in the volunteering world ! Good luck.

[KirstyWirsty]

I go to the gym or out with friends and also love going to the cinema on my own

I mainly have DD7 at weekends though and it is easier to fill weeknights than weekends .. but i always try and have something planned and am lucky that my married pals still will go out on the weekends

[MyLittleMiracles]

Grrr. Any thing else gonna go wrong? Shower broke, I have stomach pains and a mild bladder infection. U of course have taken 2 co codamol and 2 ibuprofen and drinking plenty but the shower. Grrr.

Okay whine over. As you were.

[secretcowgirl]

Just wanted to say that a year isn't that long. In my experience it took 18 months to 2 years before I started to 'find myself' again. Things do improve. Are you possibly a bit depressed? Is it worth having a chat with your GP?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It takes a lot of effort to create a social life when you're single. If you find it awkward to be with couples, find activities & interests that throw you in the way of more single people. If your 'smug-marrieds' friends don't want to invite you round, it's their loss. If you find it difficult to make small-talk, keep practising because that's the only way you're going to make connections. Travel is a good way of getting to know new people. I used to have great times on 'Explore' type holidays pre-DS because they seem to attract interesting people (couples and singles).

Above all, don't keep looking back, wallowing over what might have been and forgetting all the crap that was the reality. There are many different forms of lonely.

[RunningWithSharpScissors]

I'm thinking about going back, anything is better than this

[foolonthehill]

No it's not....this too will pass and there will be joy again.

[RunningWithSharpScissors]

Thank you fool. I can't see it though. I went for a drink with someone from an internet dating site on Friday evening, he was a nice enough bloke, but there was no 'connection' (same as the other times I've tried this). I've spent the whole weekend trying to 're-awaken' my creative streak, but have managed to procrastinate for a whole 2 days, I've managed to repair one pair of earrings in between bouts of weeping. I know this sounds horrendously pathetic, and I'm ashamed of myself, but I just don't see any future like this, I really can't take much more of it.

[foolonthehill]

It's not pathetic. You are not pathetic.

It is real true grief and you are in pain.

If you go back there will be a physical person there...but will you be less lonely? not really i suspect. His emotional affairs made you unhappy, desperate. he did not value you enough to stop having them. can you remember how lonely and terrible and maybe even worthless that made you feel?

You are worth so much more than that but it takes time to heal and there is a process to go through. you can make it.

have you any help? Any counselling? You are still grieving the life you never had (a fully committed and loving partner). going back would just open up that wound again.

[Allalonenow]

Oh Running, I feel so sad for you.
I know just how much it all hurts. I would say it was unbearable but that somehow we are bearing it.

I think it might be too soon to be meeting other men, I know I have yet to recover from the worst pain I have ever dealt with, and I don't have the emotional resources to develop any new relationships.

Take care.

[likeatonneofbricks]

can you feel really lonely when you have dc?
imagine how many women with no dc are single/just split up - it's even harder.
try a short course of anti-depressants, they may shift you in the right direction, as you must be depressed and nothing else is helping.