new relationship- i dont trust my judgement

[joblot]

I had invaluable help from mn people last year to get out of an unhealthy relationship. I'm immensely grateful for the support and advice I received. Anyway, I've just started seeing someone- its been 2 weeks- and I'm unsure of it.

I suppose I doubt my own judgement and low self esteem of course doesn't help. I'm hhaving cbt counselling and that's excellent.

I started seeing a woman 13 years younger than me(I'm 46 and gay). She's a friend of a friend so I know she's not dodgy. The problem is, and I feel really stupid hence waffling, that I really like the attention and excitement but its making me v anxious. I worry I'm giving more- affection, time, energy. Sex is odd, she has issues. She's had a really awful year of bereavement and job loss. She's sad. But, she's intelligent and good company.


This sounds silly, and I'm not expressing myself well. Just feels hard already. And I'd value the thoughts of mn people who may be able to see this more clearly than I can. I know this is piddling compared to most problems here, but I'd still appreciate objective views

[lisaro]

If it's not working then walk away. Sorry, blunt and to the point.

[tribpot]

Your first relationship after an unhealthy one was bound to make you tense and introspective. I guess constantly monitoring for signs of the same behaviour (in you, in the other?) that could indicate the start of another unhealthy relationship.

Add to that her own pressures of bereavement and loss, and to be honest you sound like two insecure people pretty much unable to prop each other up. (I hope that doesn't come across as harsh, it isn't meant as a criticism of either of you - you are who you are, I think this is just bad timing).

I think if a new relationship isn't nurturing you, it's the wrong relationship for you at this time. And likewise for her - she may be hurt if you end things now but far worse to keep going and then give her a deeper loss down the line.

[Mama1980]

My own opinion, and feel free to ignore is that it really shouldn't be this hard already.

[joblot]

Thanks. Just what I needed, not necessarily what I wanted. Now need to sort it...

[TheHappyHissy]

It's not piddling at all! This is very important to you love! It's about you working to trust your instincts.

Your instincts are telling you to seek advice, something is not sitting right with you.

It may be that she is not ready to be in a relationship, with all the upheaval she has had and the issues etc. It may be that in time she might, but I'd not hang around to find out tbh.

I need to point out, that unless that Friend of a Friend actually was in a LONG TERM relationship... she WON'T be able to say that this woman ISN'T dodgy!

We ALL know that Dodgy people are all lovely to the outside world.

this is not MsForeverWoman. this is MissTransition. End it as soon as you can and keep going. Look at what this process/relationship is showing/teaching you.

[likeatonneofbricks]

what on earth does 'dodgy' means? genuinely want to know! sounds harsh and judgemental.
OP it's been two weeks! maybe you could just see each other less/slow down so it doesn't feel so demanding on your time and energy. Obviously if you 'off' her already then end it.

[likeatonneofbricks]

*mean

[causeforanamechange]

Can I ask, what attracted you to this woman in the first place? Do you feel a connection with her atall, or is she just "good company"?

Also, and a I hope you don't mind me asking you this, but what do you mean by the sex is odd? Obviously i'm not expecting nitty gritty details, i'm just wondering what you mean. Does it feel wrong? Are you sexually attracted to her atall?

[TheHappyHissy]

likeatonneofbricks: joblot's previous relationship was abusive, it took a LOT of effort for her to get out, that's what she's referring to as dodgy.

I do have to agree on the 2week thing actually though, I've been in a relationship for nearly 3 months and still not got past the snogging stage yet. OK, I'm slow, but my last relationship was abusive too, it's important to me that this one moves slowly and that I have equality I think.

... wrt the 'issues' she has... what are we talking here? What IS the ODD stuff?

Mama80's right, it shouldn't be this hard this soon.

[joblot]

Not dodgy as in not axe murderer etc., she has friends, a life etc. Useful info on potential partner I think.

She's awkward about sex, to do with past abuse. Which is fine but tricky. Would be easier to explain verbally than here.

Yes attracted to her. We courted before embarking on a relationship. We get on but now its become less easy and I'm getting anxious. She was in a long distance relationship of 6 months only the week before we started. And last weekend we went to dinner at mutual mates and it was awful. She was in a mood, and stormed off twice- nothing to do with me. her ex from 10 years ago was there, with whom she's good friends, who at the end proceded to get to pull me publicly.

It's all a bit too much...

[joblot]

Thanks hissy. My typing is abysmal so I try to be brief. The ex tried to pull me, Soz for typos

[tribpot]

Her ex tried to PULL you?

If she's so newly out of her previous relationship, it's pretty obvious she's not ready for a new one, or that you may be the Rebound Girl, which is no good for you. How were you courting if she was still in a relationship at the time?

It all sounds too high-maintenance to me.

[joblot]

She didn't mention she was seeing someone. It was sort of over but because 1000s miles away not properly sorted. Acc to her. I'm not comfortable with that either, now I see it thru someone else's eyes.

Yes her older ex. I was horrified. She's let it go. Don't think I could be ok if was other way round...

Yes high maintenance is right.

[juniorant]

mmmm if this relationship is not making you feel good at such early doors then what is the actual point. Relationships rarely get easier/more fun with time!
Maybe drop the sex bit for now if she is not so comfortable with it and see her a bit less and maybe something will grow out of it?
I think it is more likely you will meet soemone better suited though.

[Apocalypto]

ask yourself 2 questions. what do you want from this relationship? and are you getting it?

if you don't know what you want, maybe cool it with her and others till you do?

[TheHappyHissy]

Erm.... Run like the FFING wind love!

That's not a relationship, that's The Twilight Zone!

[joblot]

Hahaha hissy. I do choose them...

[CrikeyOHare]

Always trust your instincts. Always.

She sounds like she may be the high maintenance, needy type.

If this isn't what you need in your life right now (or ever!) then run like fuck. People like this thrive on drama and you'll find that no matter what you do, it won't ever be right. Expect lots of storming out & dramatic break-ups, followed by wailing abject apologies.

(I know a lot about this, 'cos that's who I used to be before I grew the fuck up!).

[joblot]

crikeyohare I fear you are right. I seem to attract those in need of high maintenance. I think i am stuck in wanting to be good and helpful, putting others needs first. Or rather, I was stuck.

God dating is hard work and the emotionally sorted seem really thin on the ground

[likeatonneofbricks]

I know a relationship where she was pulling him through a nervous breakdown at the start and it all worked, been happy together for years now, had kids etc. You can
t really say that emotionally needy people aer bad or should be written off - if they aer good people they will only be vey grateful and repay you with all the support once recovered. But you have to love them/have faith, and if she doesn't arouse these strong feelings and trust, that's not great. If you aer after something more lightherated, due to your own recent recovery, it's understandable though.

[joblot]

I'm not writing anyone off, and certainly not saying having needs. is bad. Depending on a new bf/gf to meet difficult emotional needs I think is probably not good. I want a relationship that feels equal and healthy. Is that a weird concept?

I'm ready for an equal fun and healthy relationship.

[likeatonneofbricks]

not weird at all of course! it's life is often not convenient, as in most people have some insecurities after break ups and it's hard to find someone completely balanced. In your position it IS better to look for someone who's been single and balanced for a while, but it's also a matter of luck isn't it. She is there and you ar attracted, I do think you rushed in too much - maybe cooling it a bit would help? (if not breaking up).

[likeatonneofbricks]

is she a lot younger btw? maybe hasn't grown out of dramas yet!

[likeatonneofbricks]

*it's JUST life.., I meant

[joblot]

I try not to stereotype re age but I think drama is more prevalent when you're younger. She has a lot to be sad about though. I suppose the bottom line is that I'm feeling rising angst regardless of various factors, and after only 2 weeks that's not a good sign.