What is it when your DP/H disagrees with EVERYTHING you say?

[akaemmafrost]

Like they state an opinion one week, it comes up again a few weeks later and you take their stance but they have obviously forgotten and take the opposite viewpoint.

You try to make them laugh and they purposefully don't.

You are chatting and they are taking the opposing, often po faced viewpoint to everything you say.

No matter how hard you try to explain yourself and what you meant about something they will never seem to understand. They seem to want to see you in a bad light.

They tell you whatever opinions or concerns you have about something are because you are a mean selfish spiteful person and the argument then becomes about defending yourself from that instead of addressing your concerns or thoughts about something.

When you tell them something you have done or would like to do they start making stuff up about your motives and no matter how hard you try to explain they just keep going down that road making up more things that make you look bad.

This is the best way I can explain my relationship with my ex and to this day he tells me that he "just likes debate", "just wants logical explanations for my actions or thoughts".

Sorry if it's wooly but I don't actually understand this myself and why it used to make me feel like I was going bat sh*t crazy. Any thoughts?

[annabel71]

Oh, do tell him to Fuck Off.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I think it is just done on purpose, and abusive game-playing. You can absolutely use all the energy you have trying to work out why. I have got the t shirt. In my case, went back to a love-hate relationship he has with his own dm. Once you free yourself of trying to work it out you will feel better about it, although I'm not completely there yet...

[itsthequietones]

It means he's an arse and you are best rid of him.

[akaemmafrost]

Annabel that pretty much summed up my feeling of exhaustion when dealing with him.

It is abusive isn't it? He always says its because he won't agree with everything I say but he NEVER agrees with me on ANYTHING, even stuff we used to laugh about together. Like if I made a piss taking comment about something he would just sit there po faced and then give me a lecture on how mean I was and that he didn't find it funny, yet it was something HE said himself PREVIOUSLY!

[HepHep]

Ah, but he doesn't have the right to demand a logical explanation for your actions and thoughts - they are YOURS, and you don't have to defend them to him. These kind of twats have an underlying attitude that they are above you/better than you, and when you think of it like that, the way they behave makes perfect sense to them and doesn't seem wrong.

They're just mistakenly operating from the mindset that they can treat you like shit because you are a Lesser Being. Don't give them the headspace and spend little or no time with them (depending on whether you have kids together).

Also consider reading Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' if you haven't already. Basically, this blokes behaviour is abusive, and he doesn't have to see or acknowledge that as fact for it to be so. Just get the fuck away from him and be glad he is an ex.

[MissFaversam]

It's abusive and their aim is to make you feel like you're going crazy.

Arseholes.

[tb]

When we were first married, dh used to do something a bit like this. His family were all keen debaters/arguers. He used to like to have a debate about something/anything, and really attack my opinions. I used to get tricked into arguing about something I really cared about, and often used to end up in tears because I felt attacked, and, at the same time, really angry because I hadn't seen it coming. It was often half-way down his third pint when he fancied some crisps, nuts or a good debate. He would even change sides half-way through an argument, just to get people going, sort of 'for the fun of it'. Had mumsnet existed then, there would have probably been a chorus of 'leave the bastard'.

Eventually, he stopped doing it. Thank goodness. Maybe he grew up a little or something.

[gettingeasier]

Yep my xh was just like that too , boy do I not miss all that

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Contrary, argumentative, browbeating, contemptuous... take your pick. Deliberately designed so that you know your place. i.e. 'in the wrong'. Horrible behaviour

[akaemmafrost]

Thanks. There seems to be a lot of them about doesn't there?

I don't get it. When I love someone I want to connect with them. These men just so clearly don't want that, why are they with us?

Another thing he used to do was when we went out he would be the life and soul of the party, laugh a minute but completely ignore me, wouldn't catch my eye, involve me in the joke or story telling iyswim? I felt like we were out separately. I would watch him and think it MUST be ME. Everyone else loves him and he has such a good time with them. He's lovely really. Must try harder .

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That kind of men wants to dominate, not love. They get pleasure from feeling superior, not equal. Their mantra is 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen'. It's why dogs are 'man's best friend'.... obedient, affectionate, forgiving and, above all, no intellectual challenge whatsoever.

[HepHep]

Ah, well that's a classic - designed to show you that they CAN be nice when they want to, they're just choosing not to be that way towards you specifically. Also so that people won't believe you if you tell them, and so he can paint you as the moody, difficult one and him as the good guy.

His behaviour in your earlier post is known as undermining, countering and/or belittling, by the way. Designed to keep you on the back foot. Have you had any counselling or considered doing the freedom programme? I've heard that latter is helpful even if you're no longer with them. It might answer some of your questions.

[akaemmafrost]

I think a course would probably be helpful. Have read up quite a bit but to be honest I have never actually been able to verbalise like I did in that post before, if just always felt so wooly. I couldn't even say to him, you are doing THIS and its making me feel like THIS. I just always felt totally disoriented by it and I would try to explain what I felt he was doing but couldn't find the words. I suppose I must have made some steps now that I can actually explain it.

[nickelbarapasaurus]

are you me with my ex?!

it's a perfect description of how he used to behave ,. and your party-ignoring thing is exactly what he used to do!

[akaemmafrost]

nickel Its nuts isn't it? Did you feel like it must be you? Because everyone else was having such a good time?

[nickelbarapasaurus]

no, i knew it was him.

[EdithWeston]

He's your ex.

Do you need to talk to him at all? I mean converse that is (you might need to have admin type exchanges).

[akaemmafrost]

Yes, unfortunately we do. We have a child with significant SN so its not like we can not really talk and interact. He is my only childcare option. Its a tough one.

Its not only that. I am just trying to come to terms with it all in my head. I am actually at a point where I can dissect it without having a panic attack .

[PooPooInMyToes]

It sounds perfectly designed to completely reduce your confidence to nothing.

What a cunt.

[AliceHurled]

I think it's called being a wanker. I had an ex that did this too. He was a wanker in oh so many ways.

[AnyFucker]

emotional abuse

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

yeah don't talk to your ex, email anything important that needs to be said

[ethelb]

what do you do when people who aren't your DP do this?

I have friends and a FIL who force this 'debate' and it really upsets me. It's kind of like a non-consensual argument!

[noobydoo]

Is this important now he is your ex?

For the record, I know people who enjoy debating / discussing (DH and MIL love a good debate), and they are good at it. The unsaid rule is that you can say what you want so long as it is not a personal attack. It is not unfair for someone to ask you for your reasoning but then they have to listen.

[akaemmafrost]

Yes its kind of important because I am only just managing to be able to deal with it in my head iyswim? After two years of separation where I couldnt think about anything really that had happened without having a panic attack. I think its quite healthy actually.