PIL's don't want me to be SAHM

[Canyoudothefandango]

My retired PIL's have offered us three days a week childcare, so I can get a part-time job. Before we had DS, DH and I were in agreement that me SAH for a few years was the best option. We were both keen on the idea of DS being cared for by the same person whilst he's little and felt that he would benefit from this.
Also, I have a low earning potential and DH earns £17,750 p/a so childcare for DS and future children (planning to TTC in 18 months) wouldn't have worked out favourably.

PILs do not believe we can live on his income and that it is irresponsible to do so. They helped us buy a car a few years ago and I think see us as not financially 'grown-up' IYSWIM, no mortgage etc, even though age-wise, we're both 30+. DH spoke to them last weekend and now has that doubt in his mind also. He's now saying that the money would come in handy- and mean we could have holidays etc. He's said I can have time to think about it, but I can see the thought of being better off for the next few years is winning him over, whereas before it was always 'sod the money'.
I know people might think I'm ungrateful for wanting to turn down free childcare from people who love DS, but I have put all my enthusiam into the idea being a SAHM for the next few years (gave up my job) and am feeling really gutted at the thought of DS being looked after for a large part of the week by two people I barely know (we hardly saw PILs before DS was born- 3 times a year at most).
However, I feel it would be unreasonable and selfish to say no.
Really don't know what I should do, but just feeling backed into a corner.

[rubyslippers]

It's not up to them

You're the parents
If you decide you want to work then that is a discussion for you and your DH ONLY

[AxlRosesLeatherTrousers]

It's your life, they're entitled to their opinion but, ultimately they're not the boss of you, and neither is your DH. You both made a decision and they have no say in the matter. If you want to continue to be a SAHM then do so, it's none of their bloody business!

[Mysaucepansdontmatch]

You can say no.

You can be a sahm.

But you can't expect much of a lifestyle other than staying at home all the time and not having a lot of money.

If that's ok with you, go for it,

Me? I'd jump at free childcare and get a little part time job. You can still be a fab mum. And never have to worry when your ds needs shoes and birthday pressies! Bonus!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Ultimately, it's your and DH's choice how you organise your lives, children and finances. Say thanks to the PILs for the offer but turn them down if being home is what you want to do. But... and it's a big but.... do be aware that there are few things more miserable in life than being chronically skint with a baby or two to look after. The wage-earner can feel under huge pressure and the fantasy of staying home often falls well short of the reality. 'When money goes out of the door, love flies out of the window'....

If you turn the PILs down, also be aware that if you go to them for cash or a car again, you will not have a leg to stand on. Be fully independent, take full responsibility for your family without asking for their help, and they will respect you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... 'sod the money' is OK if you've got plenty of it.

[wordfactory]

Well OP, it is entirely a matter for you and your DP. Your ILs should have no say in the matter.

But that really is a small amount to live on. Children cost money. Staying at home costs money, unless you literally are going to stay at home.

Was your DP really happy about you giving up work or did he just go along with it?

[solidgoldbrass]

How old is your current DS? If he's very little then your feelings are understandable, but be aware that they might change. Did you hate your previous job? TBH for most women part time work is pretty much the ideal; you get to see plenty of your DC, but you also get time away from them and to earn a bit of extra cash which, unless you are really loaded, does make a difference to your life.

[ZZZenAgain]

you don't have to do it but it is nice to have the option, take your time and weigh it all up. How old is your ds now?

In your shoes I might look at training for a new job at some stage so you can do something you like when the dc start school which is also going to earn you more than the job you have left.

[outmymind]

But you are not being ungrateful for turning down their offer of free childcare if it is not what YOU want to do!! He is your son,and to be quite frank it has nothing to do with them. You are not comfortable with the idea,and why should you be if you barely know them You will never get this time back with your DS and if you can manage financially and it is what you want to do then tell them in no uncertain terms that you will make your own decisions as to what is best for YOUR family!!
Why do you feel selfish? Are they making you feel like this? God, I actually feel angry for you that they are trying to pressurize you into this IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS

[KatherineKavanagh]

Why do you feel you have to consider their wishes here?

[frankie4]

Why don't you do it on your own terms. You can say that you want to be SAHM for the first year, and then get a part time job for maybe only 2 days a week.

[Canyoudothefandango]

'When money goes out of the door, love flies out of the window'....
Hell.. this is so depressing:o Hope it's not true!

We've been managing on his income for a year now.. well enough to put a little into savings each month. We can't have big holidays at the moment, but we still see our friends and- I thought- have a good life. I hadn't realised that they considered us next to skint.

I love looking after DS and watching him learn.

[JuliaScurr]

It is none of their business. Enjoy your time with dc's, if that's how you and dh want to divvy up the work, it's up to you.

[akaemmafrost]

God I despise the phrase "little part time job"! Why is it "little"? Demeans it IMO, it's a job! It's not little, you just spend less time doing it than you would if it was full time hours.

OP its jack all to do with them and I would resent people I hardly know trying to have such a say in such large decisions.

[Mysaucepansdontmatch]

Sounds to me like they are worried your DH will struggle to earn enough for a decent standard of living for you all. They are entitled to feel concern for their son.

Wait until your son has a family, you will probably feel the same.

But ultimately it is your and your DH decision.

[ZZZenAgain]

the thing is that the dh no longer sees it the same way as canyoudo and is coming round to his parents' point of view so OP and her dh are not seeing eye to eye about it atm

[Mysaucepansdontmatch]

Well three days a week IS little compared to the hours I do

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It is their business. Child poverty is a horrible thing and they're giving the OP and her DH an offer of free childcare so they can be above the breadline.

[Flisspaps]

It would never occur to me to consider what my ILs would want me to do. Quite frankly it's none of their business.

If you are happy to be a SAHM and you can live on DH's wage, then do that.

[5madthings]

yep wouldnt occur to me to consider what my inlaws want me to do, we do what works for us.

ditto when/if my children have their own they will do what works for them and if i am in a position to do so i will offer to help out if they want, but it would be totally up to them. i wouldnt be offering them childcare they didnt need and saying go get a job! its not my business!

[akaemmafrost]

But OP and her dh have discussed this situation and were happy with the decision reached.

Its fine to offer an alternative but not to make the OP feel backed into a corner. Her dh is saying that the money would come in hand to go on holidays? He at least doesn't appear to think they need the money for necessities.

[bakingaddict]

How well do you manage on your DH's salary is probably the key question...do you have enough money to afford holidays, days out etc or are you constantly having to consider every purchase you make

If I had a choice between being a frustrated, SAHM with little money or going to work to afford holidays etc then i'd always choose to go to work. Obviously that's me and my personal choice but without a certain amount of money to do stuff with the kids then i'd imagine being isolated at home each day with the them and no money to be extremely difficult

[ZZZenAgain]

"DH spoke to them last weekend and now has that doubt in his mind also. He's now saying that the money would come in handy- and mean we could have holidays etc. He's said I can have time to think about it, but I can see the thought of being better off for the next few years is winning him over"

dh is not 100% behind the SAHM thing anymore. This is the point

[tumbletumble]

OP, think ahead 5 years down the line. What are your plans / hopes / dreams? Eg would you like to buy a house or flat one day or are you happy renting? What about if you need a new car in the future and don't want to ask for help next time?

I believe you should stand firm on what you want to do, but it is a generous offer so I think you owe it to them to think about it very carefully.

[Canyoudothefandango]

word yes, he was happy for DS to have continuous care from the same person, but obviously DS'd GP's, who love him, will provide a similar level of care, so this is more about my own, possibly selfish, reasons to want to SAH with him.
Solid DS almost 13 months.
ZZZAm hoping to do an OU course soon, plus have something else lined up for September which is vocational study and have been wanting to do for a long time.
outmymind I feel really torn. DS loves his GPs, but I will miss so much. Now I know how DH feels at work. It is crap.
katherine I feel I should consider their wishes because this is so clearly the most sensible option for our family- financially. We won't be able to take DS and any future sibling on holiday etc for the first few years, until I am back at work.