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Ending the cycle of blame?

(61 Posts)
unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 11:45:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foolonthehill Tue 10-Jul-12 12:01:36

OK so you have a problem (money/food) and your DH is preventing you from getting help for it. This is abuse.

your DH is verbally abusive, he calls you names and belittles you.

your DH keeps tight financial control which he justifies using your problems (see above) which you are not allowed to address, and yet does not provide enough money for you to manage. This is financial abuse irrespective of whether you are good with money or not.

your DH is perfect and therefore does not need counselling hmm. This suggests that he is a very entitled person who blames problems on others and does not take responsibility himself: this is abuse.

i am not surprised that you are going round in circles and can't see a way out: it is called the cycle of abuse.

try reading the links at the top of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1514011-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-abusive-relationships-number-10 and see what you think.

you are in an abusive relationship, I think you have been conditioned to assume your DH is a saint to put up with you but he is not a good partner or friend to you in your relationship.
You have DCs, how old are they? how is the DF with them?

if you want to break this cycle you first have to apportion the bad behaviour, see it for what it is then make your decisions and plans. there are plenty of people on here to help.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Jul-12 12:02:26

You can only change your behaviour, not his. I strongly suspect that you'd find it easier to change your behaviour if you weren't living with someone that claims to love you but speaks & acts more like someone that despises you. I don't see his behaviour as 'saintly'... I see him as setting unreasonable targets that you are bound to fail at. I would even go so far as to say it's deliberate and he enjoys seeing you fall down.

No it won't get any better, sorry.

unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 12:07:09

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unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 12:10:22

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CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Jul-12 12:10:29

You're almost certainly not a fool. But it's very easy, especially if you married young and have never experienced a relationship with anyone else, to think that the way you are being treated is normal until someone points out that it's anything but.

You might want to check this link (there are other similar ones) and just cast your eye over the signs of emotional abuse. If they ring a bell I wouldn't be at all surprised.

MissFaversam Tue 10-Jul-12 12:14:41

OP the mans a controlling arse.

Stand firm and tell him to transfer ALL bills to his account and let him see for himself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Jul-12 12:15:01

Your spending problem is obviously quite real but I note that you've offered to seek professional help in dealing with it and he's refused. There are only a few reasons why someone would deny their partner help with a problem and none of them are particularly nice. You could very easily be using money and food to get the happiness that is missing from living with a man that calls you fat, stupid,etc.

unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 12:16:04

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foolonthehill Tue 10-Jul-12 12:18:07

No you are not a fool wink i own that one!

To wake up one day after 19 years in a place and wonder how you got there is not as unusual as all that. We all spend most of our time just trying to keep afloat and make the wheels of life turn. You love him and you have been trying very hard to make your relationship work and to bring up your children.

Now you need to take a step back and see where you are because it is not a great place. Can it be better? Yes.

If you read only one thing I would suggest Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" It is quite and easy read...and empowering and he does not tell you what to do!

keep posting if it helps.

I am not surprised that he is shouty with the DCs......

unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 12:19:31

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foolonthehill Tue 10-Jul-12 12:19:51

No not good, but on the plus side look how much you can learn and grow in under 1 hour!!!!

foolonthehill Tue 10-Jul-12 12:21:48

we keep x posting!

Is it just money that you let him down with? He won't let you learn how to manage it and has control anyway. you can't let him down now...you don't have any.

in a relationship we all let one another down...persecuting you for it on and on does not help anyone.

he is using your past mistakes to control you and to make it seem ok

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Jul-12 12:22:07

Not good at all. Look at this way. Many people who are unhappy and feel trapped or not in control of their own lives choose to escape through all kinds of unhealthy behaviours. Drink, drugs, over/under-eating, excessive spending, promiscuity. I think part of the reason he doesn't want you to attend counselling is that they'll point this kind of thing out and the game will be up. Lucky you found MN, really.

foolonthehill Tue 10-Jul-12 12:23:13

None of us is perfect, but we don't deserve to be in an abusive relationship because of it.

unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 12:25:49

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CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Jul-12 12:27:20

"But if I've let him down so badly in the past (and I have, I really have) then isn't it normal to find it really hard to trust someone?"

That would be normal. It would also be normal to have split up if someone has repeatedly let you down in a marriage. Instead, he has opted to stay with you but micro-manage your life and treat you badly in the process. He reminds me of the nuns that very 'kindly' took in my grandmother and great-aunt when they were abandoned by their parents but then took great pleasure in abusing them, making their lives miserable and telling them they should be grateful.

I expect you don't think you'd be able to manage life solo? That's usually the trump card. 'You'd be nothing without me'.

unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 12:27:24

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CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Jul-12 12:30:43

You don't know that for sure. Of course you might go to pieces living independently but, equally, if you were not constantly on pins waiting for the next volley of insults you might find a bit of confidence. You may discover that, contrary to what he's told you for the thick end of 20 years, you are not 'useless' at all. You might find you didn't need to spend money to fill an emotional hole....

How do your children treat you? With respect and affection or with the same degree of contempt?

foolonthehill Tue 10-Jul-12 12:30:54

what else does he "not like"?
OK suggest you have a look at the Women's aid website here www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=00010001000800010001 which talks about how to cover your tracks on line.

be aware that as you begin to "see" his behaviour it may get worse.

Even if you feel you are being silly and he has never been violent keep safety in mind all the time.

Whilst you are getting your head around this best not to discuss it with him yet. Become well informed and know what you want to do before you deal with his reaction.

unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 12:40:55

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foolonthehill Tue 10-Jul-12 12:54:48

So...perhaps you knew just a little?

I also have 4 DCs.

You have to do what is right for both you and them.

There is a fair bit of research on children in abusive homes...none of it suggests you should stay for the children.

Your children have the right to be children...they should not have to "manage" their father. it is not good, healthy or right.

unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 13:05:26

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unhappyhildebrand Tue 10-Jul-12 13:08:09

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ShirleyKnot Tue 10-Jul-12 13:15:08

OK, wait, wait.

Don't panic. You don't have to do anything right now. Nothing at all. You have had a very great shock. You came here, expecting to be told one thing, and instead you were told something else and the scales are falling from your eyes.

This is horrible, scary and it can be crippling.

Go and join the thread linked further up the thread - the thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships. There you will find support and understanding.

It's ok to wait and watch and plan.

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