Should I leave shouting Husband or keep making excuses?

[Sunshine007]

Hi really need to some advice please. Been with DH for 18yrs been married for 4 yrs, have kids of 8 & 10. We have our own business, were both directors, he also has an extra job which brings in steady income. For the last few years he has constantly become more stressed and unable to cope with anything so most of the time when we see him hes argumentative, shouts and manipulative for no reason. Im trying hard to still be supportive but my patience is now wearing thin. Arranged a great holiday last year in France which he ruined by arguing! this years holiday is coming up in 2wks and dont want a repeat. Concerned now by how this will be affecting the kids. Please advise?

[badtasteflump]

It's hard to say without knowing more of the backround. Has he ever done anything worse than shouting at you? Is he otherwise a good husband? Do you still love him and want to be with him?

If he's suffering from stress, do you think he would benefit from getting some medical help with it? Would he be prepared to do that?

Sorry for all the questions - as I say, it's hard to advise without more backround info

[Sunshine007]

No other than being patronising, which he has tried to curb in recent times. He works shifts it used to be 1 wk out of 3 was a hard week as he was very snappy and bad tempered, but now it has stretched to 2wks out of every 3 were he is bad tempered. We had marriage counselling last spring, and he did listen to them and there was an improvement but now he has gone downhill again and he doesnt listen to me. I dont know if I still love him, as Im now thinking of the kids emotions more so, as its affecting them.

I do think hes suffering from stress, however he wont do anything about it to help himself. He started the gym a few months ago and there was a huge difference in him but he gave up quickly and has gone right back to where he was.

[badtasteflump]

Well I suppose you have to think about what you want, ie if you want to try and make it work or not. Or maybe you need counselling on your own to help you decide that.

Will he talk to you about it? Is it worth trying? Maybe if he realised how close you are to crunch time, he would try to address his stress problem properly.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

My view is that, if you have other options, life's too short to live with a grouch. You might not have to get divorced but I think you need to live separately just so that the rest of the family can have a break while he gets some help. It is a big source of anxiety living with angry people. Children often think it's their fault.

[Sunshine007]

He will but at the moment he is currently sulking after having a temper tantrum last night over nothing, and this will last for a week of the silent treatment! I feel that I am getting near to the end as if you asked me this 1 month ago I would of made excuses for him with his stress. Dont get me wrong he gets a mouthful back when hes out of order, but my kids are seeing that the excuses of being tired and stressed are not an excuse anymore as my 10yr old told me last night. Im just worried about the finances as I wont have anything then, as I will have to give up my position as I cant work with him.

[Sunshine007]

Yes very true it does impact you in a huge way. :(

[ImperialBlether]

Would it be possible to buy/rent a nearby flat/house so that he has somewhere to go when he's feeling like that? I would be worried about the risk of a heart attack if I were him.

A few years ago I got incredibly stressed out and couldn't seem to find any coping strategies. I went to the doctor and got betablockers. They took about three weeks to work but were amazing. I didn't take them for longer than a month - once I was 'normal' I could think of ways to cope; that was just impossible beforehand.

[Sunshine007]

Not sure what to do about our holiday in 2wks time whether to ask him not to go or keep my fingers crossed?

[Sunshine007]

He has diabetes and breathing problems and eye problems and doesnt sleep at night well, but hes a typical male of will not go to the doctors!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd hold the holiday up as a make or break situation. Cards on the table with him. If he can get through 2 weeks on holiday without going off into his usual behaviour, you may have a future together. If he can't, then when you get home, it's all over.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Diabetes, poor insulin management and serious mood swings v common....

[cestlavielife]

ultimatum then
go to the doctors and i will support you.
or go live elsewhere.

who diagnosed diabetes? type 1 or 2? someone must have diagnosed it? if not a doctor then who? so he has been to a doctor pvsly?

take the kids on holiday on your own and ahve a great tim
let him sort his health out while you away (or not; his choice)

[GinPalace]

Sounds like the life he/you lives needs to change more than him. Sounds like he accepts his bad behaviour shouldn't happen but all those things you say are affecting him would affect anyone.

easier said than done but can anything job/stress-wise be changed, can life be scaled down to give him room to get back to the guy he and you would like him to be?

[EdithWeston]

I'd try a different ultimatum.

Tell him that the children need their holiday, and he is absolutely not to ruin it for them by tantrumming, for you will no out up with a rerun of last year (consider listing some specifics).

If he does tantrum go home Tell him he is to stay and ensure the DCs have a good time, but you need to some some serious thinking.

[Sunshine007]

he got his diabetes sorted at the doctors but since then these other problems have occurred which he wont get seen, he says he will then dosent. Cogito you could be onto something here and also cestlavielife.

[Sunshine007]

I suggested he took every tues and thurs morning off wk when hes on his night shift he only did the thurs once! even tho in the calendar hes down as not in. I feel like Im constantly banging my head against a brick wall!!

[ImperialBlether]

I agree with the ultimatum about the holiday. I would say you all need to have a nice time. If he spoils it (and give him as many quotes as you can recall from your previous holiday) he will have to go home. If he refuses to go home, tell him you will go home and when he comes back there will be divorce papers.

It's just ridiculous that he can behave like this and have no consequences.

[OTheHugeManatee]

If your DH is showing any or all of the following: poor digestion, poor sleeping, nightmares, disturbed (elevated or vanished) libido, temper tantrums, memory blackouts or heart palpitations, then get him to the GP as a matter of urgency as he is in the middle of a stress-related breakdown and needs urgent time off.

DP went through something like this, and it was very hard to live with. If this is what's going on you have all my sympathy. I stuck it out, and don't regret it as DP is now recovered and back to being the lovely man I first fell in love with, but it was a hard road and I'm only still there because he worked very, very hard at sorting himself out.

[Sunshine007]

I agree Imperial. I may have to do this for the holiday.

OtheHugeManatee- He has poor sleeping, temper tantrums, poor memory, occasional palpitations and breathing problems. However I have tried to get him to visit the doc but to no avail. I think Iam going to have to be alot firmer.

[ImperialBlether]

Can you get the doctor to insist he comes in to get his diabetes medication checked out?

I know this sounds dreadful and I'm not wishing it in any way, but please make sure he has sufficient life cover. If he's so stressed and yet so careless about his health, he could end up with a fatal heart attack or stroke.

[LisaMed]

My uncle is legally blind - complications following neglected diabetes resulted in permanent damage to the eyes.

Diabetes can cause massive and evil mood shifts. How these moods manifest depend on the person.

If he has not been getting full sleep then it won't help. Sleep deprivation is used for torture for a reason. It takes away the ability to think clearly.

btw - all the above manifest differently in a nice person and a nasty person. Having a low tolerance for stress, that can be excused. Being actively manipulative to you is not a symptom of diabetes, stress or sleep deprivation. Just sayin.

I think it may be useful to ask him what he expects from the holiday. He needs to gear down - perhaps he can work out how to do that during the holiday.

Good luck!

[Sunshine007]

Good idea Imperial I could see what they do and suggest. Already got that base covered thankfully at least.

Thanks Lisa yes Diabetes really does affect moods I dont think people know just how much until they know someone.

Thank you everyone for your input, youve all been helpful and have given me lots to think about and how I need to make changes, and toughen up with regards to his behaviour.

[neuroticmumof3]

If his moods are related to his diabetes then he needs to take responsibility for his health and do something about it. If he can't do that then you probably need to leave him. Give him an ultimatum that he either goes to the doctor before you go or he doesn't come on holiday.

[Tomjoules]

Is he type one or two? Does he inject insulin yet? He needs to check what his bg levels are a few times a day. If he is 'high' then certainly he will be moody because of it.

My Ds is t1, my dad is t2 and Dad's levels got consistently high. He was atrocious to be around. Once he started injecting and got his levels better he is all sweetness again.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Oh my god my dh has two wives. I have one JUST the same at the moment and it's all stress at work causing it.

It really drains you, you have my sympathy.