i can't stand you any longer

[sleepingischeating]

Been with dh 12 years (8 married). 2 small dcs (2 and 4). We've had a few external pressures; moved to a new country, I gave up work (had a dull but very well paid job, long hours), DH took on demanding new job, (relatively minor) money worries etc., little DC is not a sleeper etc. Anyway, the last 4 years have been very rocky and we've rowed a lot.

DH has been verbally abusive in the past (name calling, shouting, dismissing what i have to say as irrational/overly emotional/stupid) although has got better. I really thought we had turned a corner until yesterday when we had a blazing row about where we would live next.

Without giving too much away (don't want to be outed), dh had indicated on our move overseas that we would return to UK to bring up dcs. However, various mutual friends told me that dh got very drunk last week and was speaking to someone about how much he hates the UK and doesn't want to go back there. Rather than dealing with it sensibly and calmly i made an issue of it (stupid i know but it really upset me). Had a horrible row, with the children in the next room, which ended with him saying that "[he] couldn't stand me any longer". I asked him if he really meant that, partic. in front of the children (who had come out) and he repeated it several times. Stupid question, but how bad is that? Oh yes, we haven't had sex since October either.. : (. I really really don't want to get divorced : (

[puds11]

I'm sorry sleeping. Its not a nice thing to say at all. Do you think he means he cant stand you when you are challenging him, or that he just doesnt like you anymore?

[sleepingischeating]

Puds, it was the latter i think - he also made a comment along the lines of 'i was going to give it a go [it = r/ship] but can't be bothered'. he was very very angry though.

[puds11]

Has he said anything about it since it happened? How has he been acting?

[AThingInYourLife]

Why shouldn't you make an issue of your husband telling mutual acquaintances that he didn't want to go back to the UK when that was your agreed plan as a family?

[ListenToYourHeart]

People often say things they don't mean when they are angry, I've done it myself and really regretted it after but haven't simply turned around and said to my DP oh when we was arguing I didn't mean to say etc..

I think you need to sit down once the DC's are asleep and have a serious but calm talk about what you both want.

Hope things work out how you want them to.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sounds like your relationship is a powder-keg and it only takes the slightest thing to spark a row. Of course people say horrible things to each other when they're angry and those closest to us know exactly how to hurt us. He may or may not be able to stand you, who knows? But, after four+ years of this, are you happy in this 'rocky' atmosphere of verbal and emotional abuse, or are you just trying to hold it all together because of some misplaced idea that wives should always support husbands and divorce is a 'bad thing'?

I think he should probably step out of your home for a while and allow you to think it through. You and your children need peace and calm, not living under the threat of a repeat performance just because you dare to ask a question.

There are far worse things than divorce.... being bullied is a big one.

[daffydowndilly]

Whatever his feelings about you, he sounds like he has big issues going on. His behaviour is not excusable, neither the shouting, rowing, withholding sex. If it were me, I would be tempted to move home with my children and tell him he has time to sort himself out and either join us or not, as he chooses. Do you really want to stay married to this emotional mess, just so you don't get divorced. You had a well paying job before and you don't need to be lumbered with this issues. For what it is worth, I had the rocky marriage, rows, moving abroad to hide from X's problems. It did not get better. You deserve better!

[daffydowndilly]

When I was married, and got angry, I used to say my real truth about my feelings about him and our marriage. The feelings that I hid really deeply the rest of the time from myself and him. That is just my experience of myself, so can in no way comment about your husband and what he is doing.

[Dahlen]

TBH I think you either have to accept that you are going to be walked all over for the rest of your relationship, or your leave.

You've already said he's been abusive in the past. Nothing much has changed, has it. As soon as you stepped out of your 'role' (as he sees it) and questioned him, he reverted to type. And very nastily. And in front of the DC.

He's been planning your future unilaterally, without thought for what you might want. He considered his friends (who he doesn't even live with) more important than you and his children. You had every right to tackle him about it and every right to be livid. Don't let him make you feel like it's your fault for not bringing it up calmly enough. You shouldn't have had to bring it up at all if he had accorded you the respect you deserve as his wife.

You may not want to get divorced, but the only alternative is being a doormat. What possible sanctions do you have if you stay?

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[sleepingischeating]

Thank you all for your kind and wise words. The "joke" is that i am (was?) known for being quite a strong character who didn't put up with sh*t. hmmm.

In answer to how things are now -we are barely speaking. When I asked him what he said to the friend, he denied saying he hated the UK etc. and i shouldn't listen to 3rd hand 'chinese whispers', which is a fair point. However why would anyone go to the trouble of telling me (via various people) if my h hadn't made such a big deal about it in the 1st place? noone would remember/care if he was just having a general moan about eg how crap the weather is in the UK would they?

dilly, how everything worked out for you in the end. did you have to get h to agree to moving back to UK with the dcs. presumably i would need to do this, I can't just go?!

ps i didn't mean to offend anyone who has got divorced - i know it can be for the best/isn't ever taken lightly - but dc elder really adores h and would be devastated.

[sarahseashell]

so sorry for you OP. Do you think he could have someone else? It's better to be divorced than in a relationship like this, it really is. It's hard for you with the dcs being so young and living overseas. Don't let him blame you for his bad behaviour

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your DC can still adore their dad even if he doesn't share a house with you. They presumably adore you too. Being the child of parents that have spent much of the last fifty years rowing I can tell you that 'staying together for the sake of the children' is a crock of shit. I don't like spending time at their house because they can't go half an hour without bickering. My DS finds their behaviour upsetting because he's not used to arguments at home. I adore both my parents and they are very nice people individually, but often wish that they had separated and found some happiness.

[LadyInDisguise]

I would be careful and think abut where you are living atm and the consequences of getting divorced there.
If you are getting divorced, you will have to stay there (it's the place where the dcs live) unless your DH is happy for you to go back to the UK with them.

I am not saying that you should or shouldn't get divorced but I would think about it before deciding what/how you are going to deal with this situation (eg if he then wants the dcs to stay in that country so he can see them etc...)

[TheHappyHissy]

TBH, I think the best option to shock this bully would be for you to say 'OK then, I'm back off home to the UK, sort yourself out and see what's what'

Show him that you won't be hanging about waiting for him to be nice.

You have to take decisive action, both to save your own sanity and the mental health of your DC.

Trust me, 3 years in hell abroad with abusive ex.... cut and run, it's the only chance you have to show him that you won't be bullied. I'm guessing he's insecure, thinks you will never leave him and has no respect for you. He was threatened by your bigger job, so he had that taken off you to be the head of the household, so now he has you at his mercy...

Well Stuff him! You can come back home and get back into a job if need be, and he gets to choose if he will be a decent father or a total waste of fucking space.

Get feisty again woman! you can do this.

[TheHappyHissy]

you are entitled to come home on a holiday. It's summer.... holiday time... Come home!

[SoSoMamanBebe]

Sorry for not being as quick to dismiss your DH as a bully and tell you to leave the bastard but I'm think there's something missing in this post. What do you argue about that he is 'verbally abusive about' ? In the argument you've just had, you admit that you dealt with hearsay badly and not calmly, how do you speak to him too? Do you contribute to the fights or is he always picking on you?

It sounds like there are some festering issues. Can you talk and hash them out, if not alone then in front of a mediator?

You sound very miserable and I do offer you a hug and a cup of tea but there feels like there is more to this.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"dismissing what i have to say as irrational/overly emotional/stupid"

This is why mediation doesn't work with men like this. Attempts to talk seriously are treated with contempt and whilst they may put on a good show for the mediator (assuming you can get them there in the first place) it's quickly forgotten because it's 'all a load of irratonal/emotional/stupid bollocks'

[MissFaversam]

Yes OP, pack them bags, come home for a holiday and tell him to either sort his ways out (doubtful but you never know) or cock off.

Easier said than done I know sweetheart but the most important thing is to get a bit of distance between you and Mr Tyrant so you can sort your head out.

[cpots]

OP, sorry to hear your worries ... for what its worth my marriage was in a similar place and I tried to salvage it (OW involved, etc) for nearly a year ... didn't want the stigma for me or my DC of being from a broken home, DC being very sad, fear of being alone, etc. On hindsight that thinking was a pile of crock ... but it was only hindsight, at the time it was so real and debilitating!

2yrs+ out of it, I am very, very happy and so are my DC. They have regular contact with their selfish dad who thinks of no-one but himself (bit of a dig there :)).

What I'm trying to say is that staying in an unhappy relationship is the worst thing you can do for you and your DC ... think about what you want very carefully - life is for living happily, not for enduring. It will be tough for you there is no doubt but everyone deserves to be happy and believe me, from being someone so fearful of being 'alone' ... the freedom that comes from not having to put up with a bad relationship is well worth it ... x

[ImperialBlether]

And children can adore a parent when they're scared of them and dislike them, too, you know. It doesn't necessarily mean it's a healthy relationship.

[sleepingischeating]

Sosomaman, correct, i can be a right royal pita/nasty too (generally in response rather than initiating it though). From my previous r/ships, i have been reliably informed by some (erm, ok, all) my exes that i can be utterly infuriating - having said that i'm on pretty good but distant terms with them all so i'm just annoying rather than evil i think, but the problem with forums/space restrictions is that you obviously only hear 1 side. He can be lovely too - more in practical ways than emotional ways and we can get on very well. Having said that, a few people (not all of whom are my friends) have seen him talk down to me/get angry and have said he doesn't treat me with respect/stop behaving like a doormat.

Sarahseashell, have wondered if there's an OW. no proof of anything but slight feeling of unease. And the fact that (having been on that side of the fence) guilt makes people behave nastily.
Thanks again everyone and sorry for garbled typing, in a hurry.

[SoSoMamanBebe]

I only thought it odd as you said you'd had loads of rows -it takes two to argue .

There is obviously something not right if your husband is telling you that he can't stand you. It's also very destructive for your dcs to hear that too. I would suggest you either write a letter, setting out clearly that you are frightened that your marriage is disintegrating and areas you want to improve things yourself or book into relationship counselling.

Can you both work where you are or would you have to leave the country if you split. How would you arrange custody of the children? This is where you could be headed and you both have to be very practical. Sometimes, when people break up they think they'll carry on with their own life, just free from the Ex. It hasn't worked out like that for my divorced friends.