Im an arsehole. what is this?

[PooPooInMyToes]

If, everytime you told you husband, wife or whatever that you were upset about something they had done and they said "yeah Im an arsehole" (in a way which clearly indicated that they don't think they are), how would you react to that?

What is that called even? I told him its emotional blackmail so that I'll say "oh no of course you're not" and then drop the issue. I also told him its behaving like a bloody teenager, trying to deflect the argument. But i don't think either of these properly sums it up.

What do you lot think? Im so angry!

[ChooChooLaverne]

Well, it is deflection. And doing that shows he's not interested in listening to what you're saying.

How would I react? If someone refused to ever have a discussion about anything I would probably leave them.

[PooPooInMyToes]

Deflection! I wasn't sure if it was that because he wasn't turning it around on me exactly.

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Seriously? Nearly every time? I'd force a discussion on how they should grow up and stop assuming theirs was the only valid opinion going.
I'm not known for reserves of patience. I would also consider walloping them out of sheer frustration. (violence isn't the answer, kids...)

[PooPooInMyToes]

Sorry! Not every time! I don't know why i wrote that. Occasionally.

[ChooChooLaverne]

I don't know if that is the official term but the result is that he is refusing to enter into a discussion with you (unless he can then go on to discuss it after doing this?).

[itsthequietones]

It's bloody annoying! To stop an argument dh says 'I'm sorry, it's all my fault', when it's obvious he doesn't mean it. If I say anything else he just repeats it. Sorry, I have no advice but it isn't just your dh.

[PooPooInMyToes]

Itsthequietones. It makes me so mad!

[Nagoo]

Hmmn. I do deflection if DH is trying to continue an argument and I CBA with it. I find something to say that gives him no ammunition at all to carry it on.

I might enter into a proper conversation about it later, bit I don't see the point in arguing about something while one of us is getting emotionally riled about it. Most of the time the things blow over, sometimes they need discussion. But there is no point in arguing. Arguing is just for the aggrieved person to get out their vexations on to the other person.

I fully admit that sometimes I try to argue with DH too. I get pissed off and need to tell him. But it's much better to do it after the rage has worn off IMO.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's ignoring you. Not listening. A version of 'whatever....' and, yes, it is a pretty immature way of dealing with a problem. Rather than backing down, chip back something about how he is refreshingly self-aware but the fact that he's an arsehole doesn't really solve the problem.

[arthriticfingers]

deflection

[Spuddybean]

That would drive me mental! DP does similar in that he just looks sad and says 'i'm doing my best' but won actually engage in a discussion of why his 'best' (which it clearly isn't) is shite!

Me: DP you have left wet towels all over my side of the bed and now it's soaking and i want to go to sleep.
DP: I'm doing my best (never oh sorry, i wont do it again - then the next day he does it again)

I have told him that that approach is bullshit and that it may have worked with his mother, getting sympathy as a teenager, but it doesn't work with me. I told him that if that really was 'his best' then he really needed to sort it out.

It is a learned technique from childhood to get you out of trouble.

[HecateHarshPants]

Yup.

My mum does this.

She has done something, she gets called on it and she goes yes, it's my fault, I'm to blame, I've got broad shoulders.

Which means it isn't my fault, I'm not to blame and I accept no responsibility. You are being unreasonable to blame me.

I suggest that when he says "I'm an arsehole" you say "yes, you are and I would really appreciate it if you changed. But it's a good start that you recognise your flaws"

[TheWalkingDead]

It's deflection - but seems to quite prove the fact that they are, in fact, an arsehole.

If I was talking to my DH and he said that, I would acknowledge that he was an arsehole, but carry on trying to discuss the issue calmly - after all why should they get to end the conversation and try to bulldoze over something that you're not happy with?

[Catsmamma]

dh does this!

we have plans to remove a radiator behind some floor to ceiling bookcases, the plumber is coming but no fixed date,

we have just got the room straight and he thinks the best thing to do would be to get boxes now and get everything off the bookcases.

I pointed out that we have visitors coming and no date for the plumber so possibly boxing everything up is a little premature....he says he won't make any helpful suggestions at all then

I call it passive aggressive! And he can get to fuck and do it all himself when the plumber does give us a date, oh yes. :o

[thatlldopigthatlldo]

my 7 year old does this,
"you hate me! you think i'm an idiot! yeah, i'm an idiot, I know"

can't tell him to grow up, he's 7.

[PooPooInMyToes]

What about "Im going to ignore that immature attempt at distracting me from what Im upset about" and then carry on talking?

[Nagoo]

It dependsof you just want a rant or if you want him to engage with what you are saying. If its the latter I'd suggest giving it a break.

[PooPooInMyToes]

I want to be able to actually talk to him about what's upsetting me but i don't see how giving it a break would help that.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't say you're ignoring it, don't acknowledge the remark, just carry on making your point.

"That annoying thing you do is driving me mad and it needs to change"
"I'm an arsehole"
"If you could do it like this in future, it would be better"
"I'm an arsehole!"
"So are you happy to do it differently?"
"I'm an arsehole!!!"
"Good, I'm glad we had this little chat" "arsehole"

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Of course, laughing at him might prick his little self-righteous bubble as well. What's that Harry Potter spell for Boggarts? 'Riddikulus!'

[Nagoo]

Because if I'm defensive then I am impossible to argue with. I need to have some time to come down off my high horse before I will admit im wrong.

I will discuss things calmly, and I will say sorry and mean it, but I need a bit of time.

[PooPooInMyToes]

I doubt we will discuss it again at the moment. He spent the rest of the day walking around looking sorry for himself Im not really bothered if he admits he is wrong although that would be nice. Id rather it just changed. Actually, no scrap that, i do what him to admit it!

This is the thing. My dh has always gone to do the shopping or run errands on his own, rarely taking the children even though i was really struggling and needed the break. I found it hard to insist because i felt guilty saying that i needed space from my children which he knew. When i did ask he would and still does say that it will be quicker on his own, there's not time, the kids aren't dressed etc.

So it would seem that he was helping me out my running errands but leaving me at home to deal with crying babies, tantruming toddlers, when i had depression and a million other problems wasn't really helping.

So anyway, yesterday i was doing something important at home which required peace, quiet and concentration (to a deadline) so i was doing it upstairs. He needed to run errands which i couldn't do anyway due to a sprained ankle. He was under time complaints admittedly. So he told the children not to disturb me unless very important.

Two mins after he left one of my dc got upset about something i couldn't sort out, had a big strop, crying etc. I had to stop what i was doing and never did get back to it. Got cross with my dc.

When he got back he asked me what was wrong (face like thunder i would imagine) and i told him. That he should have taken the kids with him, that he never does, that he gets to run errands in peace which i rarely can as if he's doing something at home i take the kids out, out of his way. He doesn't do the same and never has. He said "oh yeah running the errands was great fun" . . . compared to what i was left to deal with it probably was! I also find it a bit insulting that he would complain about how little fun something it when its leaving me unable to cope with everything i needed to do, and because i so desperately wasn't coping when he used to do this when i was depressed and leave me struggling so badly while he wandered around the shops. I don't want to hear how boring it was!

Then he did the "yeah Im such an arsehole" line.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think this is an extension of your other problem with the children i.e. overthinking and overexplaining. If you have something you need to do in peace and quiet, tell him to take the children with him rather than letting him swan off in his normal fashion. It is supremely possible to run errands with two children, just takes a little longer and you have to be more organised. Get in first and control what happens rather than assuming something's going to change, waiting for it to go wrong, getting upset and complaining afterwards

[HexagonalQueenOfEverything]

I sympathise, OP. My DH does similar at times. Or he will say something very hurtful and then say 'I'm not arguing' and walk off, knowing he's wound me up.

No advice I'm afraid though. I like Cogito's advice, about staying in control of it all.

[PooPooInMyToes]

Yeah you've probably got something there cog. I don't think i should have to control an adult though!

He knew that i found it near impossible to tell him to take the baby out because of 'mumguilt' and i still find it hard. Is it really that unreasonable to expect him to just do it!

Plus like i said he'll say it will take him too long etc. I can't force him.

I should at least be able to talk to him without the deflection crap, then usually followed by some emotional blackmail later about how he really wants a fag (he's given up but smokes when stressed)