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Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

(330 Posts)
ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:21:13

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 21:41:25

ohno Sadly there is no way he would watch it. I will say I watched it and that is why I am so concerned.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 21:49:38

Then as I say, tell him how much he means to you but that this does have an affect on his life daily, and even though he has found ways around it/to avoid things his quality of life (and yours) is being affected. It is now time for him to speak to someone, you would like to go to tge gos with him, and if after a full and frank discussion with the gp, the gp says there is no need to do anything then you will leave it. Tgat you are certain however that action will need to be taken and you know he is scared and can understand why but tgat sometimes things have to be addresses for tge bigger picture and you will be there every step of tge way because you live him so much and can't bear to see him like this anymore.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:01:50

Well, he is completely happy with it the way it is, because he has never known any different, he cannot believe that sex could feel any different or be any better. But I know it can be.

I am worried that the doctor might say it's fine, in which case I would never be able to argue the case contrary again.

He wont do anything without an incentive and sadly making me happy isn't enough. Because he always counters with surely that works the other way round and if I wanted to make him happy I would accept it.

shouldkeepquiet Fri 06-Jul-12 22:05:35

I had this operation four years ago after struggling on for 10 years or so. Yes it was very sore for a few weeks. But it can be serious if left and his sounds a lot worse than mine. They send the foreskin away for testing afterwards for cancer cells as this is a commo cause of penile cancer. If you get that they can remove the whole penis or most of it.I think if you tell him that it may spur him on to get it looked at!

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 22:07:35

He needs to hear that sometimes when you love someone it means telling them things they don't want to hear/don't like for example when he smelt. Would he rather you had not said anything and let him leave the house like it? Does he think it's important to clean the dc thoroughly when changing there nappies? Would he let his son grow up like this or would he take him to tge gps? Are you certain he is tallying you everything, could his mother have installed something in his head regarding this? I still think it would be useful posting in health. Oh and of it is as bad as you said I don't think any gp would dismiss it.

ChooChooLaverne Fri 06-Jul-12 22:17:17

Bit of a tangent but why doesn't he like giving you oral? (Can totally understand why you wouldn't want to given what you've said)

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:17:37

Actually ohno he would have much rather it if I had let him go out smelling. In fact he is from a family where they believe anything negative said is bullying. When I have said anything other than complete praise I have been told to stop being a bully, that I am hurting his feelings. This is more important than addressing any health or hygiene issues.

He has very odd and difficult parents. They have perpetuated this way of thinking. They will not tolerate anything remotely negative. So there are so many elephants in their room I'm surprised they can move around. They sweep everything under the carpet. His mother would have never let anything happen to his precious penis. Which is why when the gp advised correcting it as a child she would never allow it. He told me once that she wouldn't allow it and he was never shown how to clean himself. In fact he refuses to believe that that's the way men clean themselves.

So he has no idea about how you properly clean a penis and I don't think he would clean a boy dc in this way.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 22:21:58

The NHS website gives clear instruction on how to clean properly. Maybe that's tge way in? Do you have a ds? Could it be dad needs to learn ready to give instruction? Does he really think he can give without his ds ever seeing him having a wee?

You are in such a difficult position.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:28:08

should Oh no, now i am terrified and i am determined to get him to sort it out. That is dreadful. I am so worried now.

choo He never does it but when i ask he says he does like it, but actions speak louder than words and I can see how he reacts. I thought it might be because he doesn't feel confident so I bought him a book 'she comes first' which he has never even opened. We have discussed it loads and he always says he will do it more, but then never does. He actually doesn't like kissing much either. He just seems to hate using his mouth for anything.

When we have sex i lick and kiss him all over. I am very intimate. He seems to like it on him but when i ask him to kiss me back, his style is very rigid and he just does a lot of exaggerated pecks.

I ask him to copy me and do as I do but he says he is. He genuinely doesn't seem to see the difference. If i try and gently coax him to kiss me softly or with a soft tongue and open mouthed he gets very defensive and says if i don't like the way he does things that's tough. Or stop trying to control him, that's just the way he kisses.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:30:54

ohno we don't have a DS. Although I am due a baby soon, which might be one smile

I don't think he would care if a DS saw him do a wee. As he thinks it is fine.

ChooChooLaverne Fri 06-Jul-12 22:32:04

Oh dear. Sounds like he doesn't really like sex much. I might be totally wrong but do you think he could be using the foreskin problem as a cover up (er hmm) to avoid or even put you off having sex more often?

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:35:49

No choo i think it is the opposite, I think he purposely doesn't let himself enjoy it because of his penis. I think he has also got very used to the only specific way he works and therefore everything is geared towards that.

ChooChooLaverne Fri 06-Jul-12 22:39:04

Poor you. I hope you can get him to the GP - lots of good suggestions here for how to persuade him.

It does just sound like it's all about him.

Sidge Fri 06-Jul-12 22:43:14

It sounds like he has a condition called phimosis; he really ought to see a GP because it can have quite significant health implications, aside from the psychosexual ones.

A couple of things here. My DH and two grown up DSs have hardly ever missed the loo when having a wee. Not since the DSs were tiny anyway.

Secondly, DS1 recently had a circumcision for something similar to your DH, OP, although his was not as bad. Ds1 is in his twenties and has ASD and learning difficulties. He was very worried about getting an infection in his penis, so he agreed to the operation. He was terrified, but still went ahead. After the op, he was sore for about a week, but is now thrilled with the result and is no longer worried.

If a lad like him can face his fears and deal with this, then surely your DH can! Also, I would be very concerned about having sex with a man like your DH - the infections he could pass onto you! And doesn't it put you at risk of cancer too? Hope you can get him to man-up!

maras2 Fri 06-Jul-12 22:55:01

Sidge,it could be phimosis or paraphimosis but if he pees out oh the side of his penis it may be hypospadias.I'm certainly not an expert in blokes plumbing but spent some of my student nurse years in genito urinary theatre < many years ago >

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 22:55:48

Yes it does choo and he does have a propensity for self absorption. So I am not defending him totally. He was single for a long time before we met so I think he got used to sorting himself out.

But I think it's time I was a bit more forceful.

I have done some googling of penile cancer. So now I am going to convince him this has to be sorted. For our babies sake.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 23:00:02

What I don't understand is why not cleaning under the foreskin can lead to penile cancer though. What does not cleaning do?

The websites just say 'This is because men who have not been circumcised may find it more difficult to pull back the foreskin enough to clean thoroughly underneath'

NadiaPopov Fri 06-Jul-12 23:05:42

He's risking your health by not getting if seen too and that's completely unforgivable.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 23:10:00

Okay. I have looked and it is not Paraphimosis or hypospadias. His Urethra is in the right place beneath the foreskin. I have had really good feels and when his penis is erect all the glans, urethra and ridges feel completely normal it is just the skin over the top which doesn't pull back and is tight.

I think Phimosis is the closest.

zipzap Fri 06-Jul-12 23:13:47

Tell dh that if he won't man up to go to the doctor then you are going to go and ask the doc yourself. If you have a choice of docs at your surgery see if there are any he likes or dislikes so he can't turn around and say oh but that doc is rubbish.

Draw a diagram(s) of everything before you go (photo even better but can see this might be awkward!) and list down everything you can think of - concerns about different health risks, cancer,, smell, problems with sex, fear of circumcision, etc so you can discuss it with the doc easily as he won't be able to examine your dh.

Show your list to dh to see if you have left anything out. If he protests that it isn't an issue then just repeat what you have said on here - it is an issue that is affecting you.

See the doc and see what they suggest - hopefully they will acknowledge there is an issue, that there are a number of different treatments and that some don't involve surgery but that actually him not going to see the doc is bullying you as he is not even willing to talk about something that is condemning you to a miserable unsatisfying sex life for the rest of your life.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 23:13:57

I don't think either of us ever considered that it could be putting our health at risk. At worst we just thought it a bit grim or inconvenient.

I have been putting this thread off for years and I am so glad now I have posted. It has given me the fear and impetus to sort it out.

I don't think I want to have sex till it is sorted out.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 23:20:04

zip He has never seen a doctor at our surgery confused . Also I have never seen the same one twice sad

They all seem uninterested and desperate to get rid of you. I have had to make complaints about them taking me going blind in one eye for 12 weeks seriously. Which they didn't and wouldn't even refer me to a specialist till I got cross. Turns out I had the beginning of MS sad

So I am worried they will just say, well as long as you can wee and get pregnant you are fine. In which case it will set my cause back to square one and he will feel vindicated.

hiviolet Fri 06-Jul-12 23:38:02

I honestly don't think they will say he's fine, it sounds quite severe.

I feel for you, my dh has a tight foreskin and although we don't have too many problems sexually (apart from hardly ever doing it!) I do wonder if he needs to see a doctor. Won't entertain the idea though.

alicethehorse Fri 06-Jul-12 23:50:38

Can you change your GP? Not just for this issue but because they don't sound great.

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