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Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

(349 Posts)
ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:21:13

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

SirSugar Fri 06-Jul-12 19:51:20

Sorry, I see you have DC now

nocake Fri 06-Jul-12 19:51:55

The stuff that builds up under the foreskin is called smegma. If you google it you'll find out the results of not cleaning it.

I was watching 'Embarrassing Bodies - Live from the Clinic' earlier this week and a man on there had a similar problem ie he couldn't pull his foreskin back at all. His penis was sore and he was unable to wash under the foreskin and clean it properly. He had to have a circumcision.

I don't know if you can watch the episode on catch up tv as there was some good advice from a 'top' surgeon/consultant.

I honestly think your DP needs to see a GP. I appreciate it's slightly embarrassing for him but it's simply unhealthy and unhygienic to leave it as it is.

Shazjack1 Fri 06-Jul-12 19:53:57

Dh had the same problem and refused to be circumcised. He went to the gp and he prescribed a cream and told him how to stretch the foreskin every day. It has made it a lot more comfortable for him now. Also DS had the same problem and it was ballooning at the end and he had to be circumcised age 10 so no more problems.

countingto10 Fri 06-Jul-12 19:54:26

How would he feel if you had a condition and you refused to see a doctor putting your health and wellbeing at risk?

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:55:48

His argument about health and if it festers, is he has got to his age and it clearly hasn't so he's fine. (he's 32)

And to the poster who said we can't have dc. We do. Which is why he thinks it's fine.

Springforward Fri 06-Jul-12 19:57:33

DH had a circumcision in school-age childhood, for similar medical reasons (though before he was sexually active, obviously). MIL told me loudly at a family gathering when DS was tiny.

FWIW, a previous partner had a very tight foreskin which used to kind of flip back over the head of his penis and then get stuck for as long as it took for his erection to subside. He didn't know this would happen until his first PIV sexual encouter, which happened to be with me.

So, in my admittedly small and probably non-representive sample, this seems to be really quite common. Thought I would share, just in case you decide to show this thread to your DP?

Fizzylemonade Fri 06-Jul-12 19:57:37

My poor Dad had a circumcision aged 70! He had no problems then it just got tighter and tighter. I really wish I could bleach my brain of the conversations he had about it (my Mum had just died so he could only talk to his daughters about it) but I think he was really brave to go and get sorted.

He is now fine, really had no problems with the operation or the healing afterwards and he isn't in the best of health generally anyway. And this from the man who still goes on to this day about how painful his vasectomy was 35 years ago grin

I think maybe you should talk to your GP about it to see what he/she can advise, then try to and talk Dh round when armed with a bit more info, just about him seeing a GP not about being circumcised although it would seem that would be the outcome.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 19:59:03

counting He doesn't agree it is putting his health at risk and he refuses to read anything i show him.

I think I may have to be brutal and get tough. But i feel like such a bastard.

chipmunksex Fri 06-Jul-12 19:59:56

I think it's a good idea not to talk about the circumcision word, it sounds so drastic; just encourage him to go to see his GP.

There are non-surgical treatments for tight foreskins, such as hydrocortisone creams he needs to get it sorted.

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 20:00:34

Well if it's not got better in its own after 32 years it's not going to is it? Does he have and uti type symptoms, tge flow could be affected from inside rather than by tge foreskin.

Re tge gp, could you use it as a 'I want to hear tge gp say it's fine and then I'll never bring it up again' type way?

OhNoMyFanjo Fri 06-Jul-12 20:01:10

Does he know he smells of wee sometimes?

This was on Ch4 Embarassing Bodies the other day - might be able to find it on their version of iPlayer. It may be a way to broach the subject. Have to say though it made us both feel sick - because they showed the operation - that wasn't the bad bit - it was all the disgusting gunk that wasn't being cleaned out that made both of us want to vomit. I can't think how bad the smell must have been...
This is a hygiene and health issue, and keep trying any possible thing to get him to see sense...

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:04:02

I think I will go to the GP myself then tell him how worried I am. I will say I want him to talk to the GP but not mention the c word!

Maybe I will have to stop all sex contact for a bit sad I hate the idea of using sex as a bargaining chip.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:08:55

Yes ohno but he doesn't seem to notice though.

Once I was in the bedroom and I smelled the most rancid stale piss and I couldn't work out where it was coming from. So I followed my nose and found him in another room wearing running shorts which he had worn the previous day. I was gagging. I told him how awful it was and that he couldn't go to the gym like that. He got very angry and upset with me about how hurtful and insensitive I was.

BertieBotts Fri 06-Jul-12 20:10:55

FGS don't use sex as a bargaining chip!

It might not be as bad as he's imagining. There is an operation they can do which is a small cut which loosens things, not a full circumcision. And as others have said there is a cream which sometimes works.

If you can get him to visit his GP and just hear about all of the options then at least he can make an informed decision as at the moment it sounds like it's a knee jerk reaction.

BlueSlipper Fri 06-Jul-12 20:11:06

My DH had this done as an adult. Very straight forward operation. Similar reasons as you.

Everything has much improved.

Good luck.

ChooChooLaverne Fri 06-Jul-12 20:11:30

He sounds a bit selfish.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:12:16

bertie sorry, knee jerk reaction to what?

diddl Fri 06-Jul-12 20:12:34

He smells of pee & can´t wee in the toilet-& he´s OK with that?

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:16:47

He's never known anything different. He thinks all men are the same. Not physically, but wee and smell the same.

He doesn't smell all the time. Just if he wears the same trousers or shorts again. He doesn't do that anymore though, after my reaction.

BigBoPeep Fri 06-Jul-12 20:20:23

I wouldn't use sex as a bargaining tool - I'd just tell him outright that I'm through trying to put up with it and be subtle - he stinks of piss and there's no way my mouth or bits (think of the infections you could get in your fanjo from his manky smegma!?) are going near that. He has to sort it out before you can go near it again. That'sonly reasonable. Would he give you oral if you were encrusted and smelt of wee????

I would then also tell him that unless he starts keeping the bathroom and his clothes pee-free we'll be be getting divorced!

It's totally gross, you are not being unreasonable - you have been a HERO to put up with it!! He's probably sensitive about his bits being messed with...well, welcome to real life. If you want a wife and a nice family wife you have to be prepared to be unselfish about these things sometimes!

NatashaBee Fri 06-Jul-12 20:21:41

He will be at a much higher risk of infection unless he gets this fixed - and an infection could take longer than his recovery from circumcision. Circumcision in itself doesn't reduce the risk of cancer (or so i was told when the doctors were talking to me about it when DS was born), but the fact that it would allow him to clean himself better will. Circumcision and the ability to clean himself better will also reduce his risk of contracting and passing on HPV (although maybe that's not relevant to him as he is in a monogamous relationship)

maras2 Fri 06-Jul-12 20:24:06

I know that it sounds nasty but there is a small procedure called a Dorsal Slit.Much less invasive but very effective.

ockytockyonga Fri 06-Jul-12 20:24:25

bigbo As i said we don't often have PIV and I don't put it in my mouth anymore. He is happy with that as long as he doesn't have his penis messed around with.

And as I said in my OP he doesn't give me oral either. sad

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