Just found out my father is having an affair… still

[PierreLapin]

I have a problem and I genuinely do not know what to do so I am hoping for some advice.

I am 32, expecting my first baby and do not live in the UK. I recently spent a week?s holiday at my parents? home and think I discovered my father is still having an affair we thought had ended almost a decade ago.

I arrived home last Thursday night while both parents were away (mum was due back late that night). The phone rang and I answered thinking it was my dad (we had just spoken but he?d lost reception) and just said ?yeah?.

A woman?s voice on the end of the line said: ?oh, hello, can I speak to dad?s name please??

Me: ?Sorry he?s away at the moment, who?s calling please??

Woman: ?Oh? this is Jane? Jane Donovan.?

I should point out here that Jane Donovan (obviously not her real name) is a very good family friend and I could tell almost straight away that it was not her voice.

Me: ?Oh, hi Jane!?

Woman: ?Who is this??

Me: ?It?s my RL name.?

And the phone went dead immediately.

I then called the real Jane Donovan at home to ask why the line went dead, and she said she had not called and had no idea what was going on (luckily I could blame it on prenatal baby brain). As I was speaking to her, I suddenly placed the original caller?s voice as the woman my father had an affair with 10 years ago.

My theory is that this woman called our house thinking my mum was still away and hoping to speak to dad. My parents have a student staying with them at the moment, so she obviously assumed it was her answering the phone but when she realised it was me, and that I would recognise her voice, she hung up.

I am devastated. When the original affair became known, my dad behaved appallingly. Mum tried everything to repair their marriage but dad simply refused counselling, moved bedroom, drank heavily and, it emerged a year later, continued the affair. He then said he would end it. Mum tried her best to understand why he had done it, blamed herself and adapted her behaviour to try and support and help him. And eventually, it seemed things were turning a corner. They both retired and went on long foreign trips together. They are now always busy doing things together and although dad is a difficult person, he always has been and I think mum has accepted that. Most importantly, she has seemed much happier in recent years.

I know face the unhappy choice of whether to tell my mum or not.

Towards the end of the week Dad came back from his trip and I could barely look at him, let alone speak civilly to him. Mum picked up on this and has told me off for behaving badly towards him. All I have said to her is that I don?t like the way he treats her sometimes. I can?t bring myself to tell her the truth and shatter her life all over again.

I would really appreciate some advice please.

[TheHappyHissy]

Have you spoken to your DAD about this? that's where I would start.

[PierreLapin]

Hi TheHappyHissy - I have considered this, but I am inclined not to on two points.

The last two times he had the affair and I confronted him about it, he firstly tried to deny it and came up with loads of excuses, which I just can't face hearing again. And he then told me it was my fault for looking at his text messages. He can be quite fierce and quite honestly I'm struggling with pregnancy at the moment already.

Also, I kind of want my mum to have the upper hand and I'm uncomfortable with telling him before her. I can't decide whether to just try and ignore the whole thing and try and get over my issues with my dad and let my mum live on in blissful ignorance.... assuming she doesn't already know and has chosen to ignore it that is.

I do see your point though - by not talking to him about it I am kind of burying my head in the sand.

[izzyizin]

It seems to me the problem is you don't have proof positive that your df has continued his affair.

I'm not discounting the fact that you heard the ow's voice asking to speak to your df but this, in itself, isn't hard evidence that anything's going on other than what may now be a friendship between him and the ow.

If you'd taken your df aside at the time and told him that you answered the phone to a JD asking for him who you could have sworn was his 'ex' ow, it may be that his response/demeanour would have been a more reliable indicator of the truth.

Similary, you could have told your dm about the fake JD's phone call and said how much the voice on the end of the line reminded you of her whose name must not be spoken a pox be upon her that boat has sailed and it may be sometime until you see them again.

You could raise it as a topic of curiousity in a call to your dm, lightheartedly blaming your baby brain for possibly distorting your hearing and/or fogetting to have mentioned it to her at the time in an attempt to alert her to certain possibilities.

However, on balance, I think you're best advised to file this under 'pending' with a view to awaiting further developments. If, despite his assurances, your df is still carrying on with the ow you can put money on the truth coming out without any help from you.

My sympathies - this is a lousy position for you to be in, but shit happens and there's sometimes not a lot we can do to control the amount of manure on the wayside.

[PierreLapin]

Hi izzyizin - thanks so much for your advice.

I know there is no conclusive proof, but I also know that there is no way dad would carry on their 'friendship' with my mum's blessing. So even if it is platonic, that in itself is a huge betrayal of my mum.

Unfortunately I couldn't find time alone with him before I left to discuss it. Now mum is angry with me for what she sees as me just being moody and upsetting my dad, who has actually been trying really hard recently (I have a difficult relationship with him, for obv. reasons!). It just seems like saying nothing is getting me into more trouble than saying something. But then again, I can't bear to be the one responsible for shattering my mum's idea that our family is 'working' and happy again.

I realise to some people it might sound over the top getting so involved in this. I suppose it might have something to do with me being my parents' only child (dad has 3 daughters from 1st marriage - which also broke down due to an affair) and feeling a bit responsible for their problems as I was a difficult child....

[tinkertitonk]

Although your feelings are natural, this is not your business; your parents are autonomous adults.

[howdoo]

God, how horrible for you. I would be tempted to say to your dad "I answered a phone call from someone who claimed to be Jane but was clearly X, isn't that weird?" And then walk away. You don't need an answer from your dad, but he will then know that you know. And it doesn't give your mum any less of the upper hand in the future IMO.

Clearly, if you knew it was her, there is some relationship still ongoing between them, platonic or otherwise, that your DM would not be happy about. And therefore he is in the wrong.

And he knows it.

[PierreLapin]

tinkertitonk I know, and you're right. But how do I just stand by and let my mum just get walked all over? And how to I try and act normally in front of my father when I am seething with rage at him? When my baby is born they are going to want to come and stay with us and I'm not sure I can share a house with him.

howdoo thanks for your advice. I think I do need to speak to him at some point. I just feel like I have my foot on a land mine and whatever I decide will have terrible consequences.

What does anyone think about me contacting the whore woman in question to ask her directly what's going on?

[Mumsyblouse]

Keep out of it. Even if your parents are behaving very badly. Your mum has been alerted that there was an affair years ago, she knows of the existence of this woman and so if she has any sense, she will keep looking out for signs of continuing unfaithfulness. Indeed, she may well have noticed them and decided to say nothing/live in ignorance. She may have made her peace with this at a sub-conscious level or at least not wanted to challenge the status quo.

If you come along and blow it all up again, who knows where it will finish? Your mum may feel obliged to take a stand and divorce your dad. Will this really make them happier?

I think at the very most, tell your dad about the weird phone call and leave it at that.

But I think you have to leave your parents to it, they are adults, your mum isn't under some naive belief your dad would never cheat. Keep quiet because you don't know anything anyway and have no real proof of anything, even if your guess is correct (if it was her phoning, they could make a crappy excuse, your mum would cry, it would all be brushed under the carpet).

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would tell your Dad about this woman's phone call.

Would not contact this woman herself as she will likely not tell you anything of value or even talk to you. You could come off far worse from such an encounter.

You are truly not responsible for your parents marital problems, you have no idea what is really going on within their marriage and these two are getting what they want out of their unhappy relationship.

I feel that they have both put you in a very difficult position and I would let them get on with it. Your mother took her H back after his first affair for reasons only known to her even though her H at that time seemingly did nothing to repair the marriage; she could likely do so again and blame herself for him having an affair yet again when he made a conscious choice to embark on such a thing. Your mother may know that something is amiss now but chooses instead not to confront him but to bury her head in the sand. Divorce may be unthinkable to her so she telling you off for supposedly behaving badly in front of your Dad is to my mind she trying to brush it all under the carpet.

[mummytime]

You need to talk to your Dad. If you can't meet face to face then phone him.

Tell him about the phone call, and give him a chance to tell your Mum why you were off with him. Give him a deadline, and then tell her.

Then back away as it isn't your business really. Just let your Mum know you are there to support her if she needs it.

[PierreLapin]

Thank you Mumsyblouse and AttilaTheMeerkat for your advice, both very sensible.

I think I have decided I will text my dad and tell him I think I owe him an explanation for my behaviour earlier this week and ask him to call me if he wants me to explain.

I suspect you are all right about my mum. She said to me years ago that she just wants a husband. So perhaps she has decided to tolerate whatever is going on for the sake of a quiet life. I have to respect that, and as you say, respect the fact that my parents are grown ups and I have no place interfering in their marital problems. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. I just feel so bad for my mum - a very intelligent and successful woman, but who has no close family or friends she can talk to.

Thanks again - you have all really helped. It's nice to have a calm, measured Mumsnet response to my problem.

[izzyizin]

The danger inherent in making contact with the ow is that a) she doesn't have a vested interest in telling you the truth and b) if their affair is as dead as the dodo, giving her the oxygen of your attention may rekindle any interest she may have lost in your df.

FWIW, I very much doubt that you were a 'difficult' child. It sounds to me as if your dps would be more than a handful for most 'only' children to cope with.

As for the calm, measured mumsnet response, you struck lucky fortunately you didn't post on AIBU

[sternface]

I would speak to your dad and be honest with him about your feelings. Your feelings are your own and no-one can dispute them. If you feel he has let you down and you are angry and disappointed about that, it is unrealistic to expect your relationship to be good without clearing the air and giving him the opportunity to reassure you or explain. If he cares about your relationship and your feelings, he will want to explain.

What concerns me more is that your mum sounds very isolated and as though she has sacrificed herself too much for her marriage. It is a crying shame that she has no friends. One of the things you can do for her is to encourage her to start living life on her own terms; getting out and making friends, developing new interests and hobbies. Encourage her to see herself as an individual and not someone who is solely defined by the roles that marriage has conferred i.e. wife and mother.

[PierreLapin]

izzyizin You're totally right, I can't talk to the other woman. She'll only lie anyway. I spoke to her once before and she said some vile things to me about it being my fault for not appreciating my father enough. (ps Very sweet of you, but I was quite a capricious child/teen/adult)

sternface Thanks, you're also right. However, I might have painted a misleading picture of my mum. I say she has no close family or friends, but she has many, many acquaintances. She is also very outgoing - doctor, school governor, former JP etc and does yoga classes (she was away on a yoga retreat when this all blew up). But I think she is also a very private person and does not confide in anyone about how she is feeling/what is happening in her life. Maybe this is just her way. But I sometimes feel I'm the only person to stick up for her as her only child.

[sternface]

Then your Mum's achilles heel might be admitting that her life is not 'perfect'. This is common in high-achievers who appear to 'have it all'.

There might be a side to your mum where she wants to be more true to herself and the things that genuinely bring her joy, but for which she can't give herself permission, because it would taint the 'perfect' image. This is perhaps a side of her that you could encourage to come out more. It is liberating to re-invent ourselves from time to time and especially liberating and freeing to pay heed to our inner-voice.

[PierreLapin]

sternface That's exactly it, you're exactly right. I think she can't face her life not being 'perfect'. She'd rather it seemed so to the outside world instead. That's partly why I didn't want to tell her what had happened. I think I knew she would be mortified I had found out again. She would rather we all played happy families, whatever the reality. Unfortunately I'm not great at hiding my emotions.

[PierreLapin]

Thanks so much for all your help - I have to go out but I will let you know what happens with my father.

[PierreLapin]

I just spoke to my dad. I had sent him a text saying I owed him an explanation for my behaviour and asked him to call.

I told him I had answered a call at home from the OT. His response was: "What on earth did she want?" He said he hadn't spoken to her for months and last saw her when he bumped into her in the corner shop a few months ago. He last properly spoke to her about a year ago when she needed him to sign off some work she had done. He apologised to me that it had happened and that I had had to speak to her.

What is still bothering me is that he didn't ask how the conversation went, or what was said. Doesn't that suggest he already knows ie. he's spoken to her? I volunteered the information that she had tried to pass herself off as this other family friend. I told him I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but my rational brain was telling me not to. He said he had been through hell the last few days and then cried. He also said he would tell my mum what had happened.

I just don't know what to think. I want to believe him, but I am so suspicious. Ultimately it's not my problem anymore though. He is telling my mum so at least it will be out in the open.

[Greatauntirene]

Hmmmm. All sounds a bit suspicious to me.
I wonder if he will tell your Mum.

You're right in that you would expect the first thing he would say would be 'what did she want' when you said the OW had phoned.

Maybe just leave things as they are. Your Mum is happy with things as they are, your Dad is happy (though he has possibly started seeing OW) but if he doesn't make it public perhaps it doesn't matter and you should just leave well alone.

[PierreLapin]

He has told mum. Sent me a text saying apparently the OT recently called the house when mum was there too.

Going to speak to mum tomorrow am.

[PierreLapin]

Sorry OT should be OW...

[tartyflette]

I quite liked OT, actually. Thought it meant Old Tart

[izzyizin]

Well done for tackling that one head on!

I suggest you give your df the benefit of the doubt and don't labour the point when you speak to your dm - just give her the same simple explanation for your being 'off' with him that you gve him.

[PierreLapin]

tartyflette or Old Trout perhaps?

izzyizin Phew, yes it's a weight off my mind. I am inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. Hearing dad crying on the phone broke my heart. The fact he has already told mum means a lot. I don't think she's angry with me anymore. I know it seems ridiculous getting this much involved in their relationship. I'm 32 FFS!

[ImperialBlether]

Hmm well I wonder why she would phone on the house phone and not on his mobile.

I also wonder whether she'd told him that she'd called.

Awful situation for you.