can I get a divorce on the basis of drunkness?

[complexo]

Dh doesn't get as drunk as he used to do and not as much, I would say that now is about once every 3 or 4 months whereas before could be twice a week. We used to fight when he was drunk in the past but now I just ignore and he goes to sleep. In fact he gets drunk now when he is overtires and didn't have time to eat properly. In the past he would not come home from work, I would call and ask what time he would be back than he wouldn't be back by then and wouldn't pick up his phone and turn up very late whereas at the present he calls me before goes to the pub, asks if I'm ok with him going, and is back early when he said he would be Today was exactly like that and also brought a bag with food which was nice. But I grew up with a drunk father at home and I don't want to put up with it in my adulthood. I'm not British and I understand it is British culture but I don't like DD seeing her dad drunk and I hate drunk people. I'm not in love with DH and talked to him about divorce in the past so he can have a loving sexual relationship with someone who loves him, but he refuses to go and let me go and is always trying hard to make things work. So can I use drunkenness to get divorce? By the way, he had a extremely busy work and I understand he needs to socialise today and probably got drunk easily.

[nkf]

I think it's probably something like unreasonable behaviour and the specific is drunkenness. Courts don't much care about the reason but if he objects, it might make it harder. You need a lawyer really. Good luck.

[complexo]

I don't understand how divorce works in this country, but does the couple need to be living a part before filling the divorce papers? And how much does a divorce costs usually?

[complexo]

I don't understand how divorce works in this country, but does the couple need to be living a part before filling the divorce papers? And how much does a divorce costs usually?

[MaloryMad]

You don't have to be living apart. Start keeping specific records of his drunkenness what he says and does etc... You can divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
Can't comment on normal divorce costs since mine cost a fortune.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You don't have to divorce straight away. It is far easier to separate and you don't need any reasons for that. If you are considering divorce, go to see a solicitor specialising in family law and get information on how to proceed from there. In the meantime, this site called DivorceAid has some good information.

[JumpingThroughHoops]

whereas at the present he calls me before goes to the pub, asks if I'm ok with him going, and is back early when he said he would be


Seems he's running it by you first. It's not unreasonable if you are agreeing to it.

However, it's clear your relationship isn't on good grounds. Is it irretrievable? He seems to have cut his drinking right back from twice a week to once every 3 or 4 months ( your words) and gets your tacit permission first. You no longer argue when hes been drinking and he's drinking less volume than before.

I'm not in love with DH and talked to him about divorce in the past so he can have a loving sexual relationship with someone who loves him, but he refuses to go and let me go and is always trying hard to make things work. - The drink is an excuse you are using for what ever is wrong in your relationship - So can I use drunkenness to get divorce?

I'm not British and I understand it is British culture sweepingly judgemental. May I ask, have you been here long enough to get residency?

[Hopefullyrecovering]

ouch, JTH

Yes the drunken thing sounds like a pretext to get rid of the poor man, but blimey!!!

[MaloryMad]

To be fair to OP, it can be damned upsetting and annoying (and scary if you have DCs), to live with someone who gets out of his tree twice a week. Living with a 'stroppy' drunk is awful. So is living with someone who gets blind drunk and you spend all night awake worrying if they're going to choke on their own vomit etc....
All of that said, if the drukenness is just 'normal', then OP needs to find other examples of Unreasonable Behaviour as grounds for divorce. It's really not that difficult. I divorced on those grounds and he wasn't cheating or drinking but the marriage had completely broken down.

[Fairenuff]

complexo the bottom line is that you do not have to live with someone if you don't want to, for whatever reason.

If you want to move out you can. If you want him to move out and he refuses, you will need legal advice.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor. You can often get the first half hour free just to establish what it is you want them to do.

Also get in touch with Citizens Advice Bureau or Womens Aid if you need further help and don't know where to turn.

When he asks you if it's ok for him to go to the pub, what does he do if you tell him no?

[complexo]

I didn't mean to offend anyone by mentioning the drunkness & english culture, sorry.
I have been here long enough to have my own rights, yes.
I say to him it is ok foe him to go to the pub, but I understand that going to the pub doesn't necessarily mean getting drunk...getting drunk for me is an option and if he wants to take this decision, it is his problem, I don't want it to become my problem or my child's problem.
Yes, I am trying to find a way to end the relationship and use drunkness for this, because saying: I don't love you, I don't want to live with you and I don't want to have sex with you is not working.
It is not practical for me to move out because we live near the school, my child is settled etc. He works 10 - 12 hours a day so I think he can move to a bedsite or go share with a friend.
He is not causing problems now when he is drunk but that is because I learn't how to deal with it - ignoring- he is the type who doesn't talk about the problems when he is sober but when he is drunk wants to have long conversations and he will not pay attention nor accept and understands what I have to say and also will repeat the same things 1000000 times...it is tyring, annoying and ridiculous.
My child thought he was sick last time he was drunk ut soon she will be old enough to understand what is going on.
And the only reason he has calmed down is because the police were inolved at one point..yes I had to call them.

[PropositionJoe]

I wasn't offended. I think there is a british culture of binge drinking. I am English and I agree with you.

[Offred]

I think you need to explain the history op. why have the police been involved? Also you say he is forcing you to live with him because he will not accept the relationship is over. Are you still having sex even though he knows you don't want to?

Re: the divorce. You can cite his drunkenness as unreasonable behaviour.

[Offred]

Also have you got the idea that "British culture" dictates that a man is supposed to get blind drunk after work to relax come home and do something that results in the police being called from him? I'd say he's having you on. British booze culture is having a drink after work and binge drinking at the weekends and it is not really considered acceptable anymore when you have a family. I think anyway.

[complexo]

No we are not having sex, cuddles, kisses for ages I can't satnd to be touched.
We are like friends and I have been tottaly honest with him but he thinks things acn change...
The police have been involved because he came home at 2am one day, he was drunk and wanted to have a conversation...
I knew the conversation would go nowhere and we would end up arguing, so I went to my dd's bedroom to sleep having school run and work next morning, he than followed me and kept talking and getting frustated because I was ignoring, so he started shouting and swearing and punched the furniture, so I called the police.
He has changed a lot after this incident but I don't love him. and everytime he gets drunk I am wondering if it will happen again.

[complexo]

Actually when we were having a 'normal' relationship he was getting constantly drunk and it drove me away. Now that I'm cold he is behaving mostly the time, but unfortunately I'm already tired and hurt.

[complexo]

Actually when we were having a 'normal' relationship he was getting constantly drunk and it drove me away. Now that I'm cold he is behaving mostly the time, but unfortunately I'm already tired and hurt.

[LisaMed]

If you live separately for five years you can divorce him and he has no grounds to contest it.

[Tryharder]

I can't believe everyone is here sympathising with you. You sound like a nightmare. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Yes, divorce your poor DH, tell him you don't love him and clearly despise the bones off him but please, don't cobble together excuses about him being drunk when the man has a drink now and then. It sounds like he is madly in love with you and trying to please you at every turn.

Please don't portray him as a drunk and an alcoholic, presumably then you will feel justified in stripping him of his children and assets.

Leave him or ask him to leave but for gods sake, be fair and kind to the man!

[ErikNorseman]

Please ignore tryharder! What a load of shit.

Op I think it costs £340 to file for divorce. You can cite unreasonable behaviour but starting divorce proceedings won't force him to move out. I think you need to work on living separately then sort out divorce later.

[Mama1980]

You can divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I would document these drunken incidents etc. if he contests it or doesnt want to divorce you have to be separated for 5 years then he has no grounds to contest-i think that's right anyway. I would work on living separately.

[Tryharder]

It's not shit, Erik? I am entitled to my opinion just as you are. The op writes very unfairly about her DH. Let her divorce him but why should she use spurious grounds which essentially stain his character just for her own gain?

Imagine if a man had written the OP about his wife. There would be uproar on here.

[mouldyironingboard]

I agree with op, drinking is very much a part of British culture. My (British) DH & I don't drink alcohol at all and we are often made to feel like the odd ones out at social events.

Even if your DH is drinking less these days, the damage to your marriage was already caused by his drinking in the past. If you've had nasty, screaming drunken rows with him the emotional hurt won't be put right just because he does it less often these days. If he wants to save your marriage he has to stop drinking completely and it doesn't sound like he's prepared to do that.

[Offred]

Mouldyironingboard - drinking is part of British culture but it is also part of many European cultures too. That's not the issue. My point is that there is a binge-drinking culture in Britain but that I don't think it is correct to say that it is expected that a husband and father will drink as often or as much as she describes and I think he is having her on because she isn't native to Britain "but you are depriving me of my cultural history" what crap that is...

[Offred]

Tryharder - the op isn't from here and speaks English as a second language which is why some of her posts read in a distant way to a native speaker.

I don't see where she is treating him unfairly. It would be helpful if you articulated what precisely is unfair?

[Offred]

She is trying to find ways to end the relationship because he will not accept it is over despite being told she doesnt love him and doesn't want a relationship with him. He is intent on just continuing holding her hostage in a relationship she doesn't want. He got really drunk and threatening and had to be removed by the police... What a lovely h he must be(!)