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dodgy texts?

(68 Posts)
Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 15:23:05

I found a string of text messages in his phone from a female colleague none of which were overtly sexual or pointed directly towards cheating but are making me feel extremely worried that he may be having an emotional affair.

The first time I have ever snooped in my 7year relationship I found a text arranging to have lunch with her when I had previously tried to arranged to spend the day with him but he had turned me down. The second was when he had been off work sick for a week and she sent him a text telling him she misses him and referring to him as graybear, he sent one back equally as intimate calling her by a nickname based on her surname saying he couldn't wait to see her. The third major message that concerned me was on her birthday where he told her she was getting more and more beautiful. He never, ever sends me messages or talks to me in such a loving way. They text each other at least 4 times a day, more that anyone else and always with a overly friendly tone even if the topic is workbased.

We are barely ever intimate anymore and I'm now 8 month pregnant with 1st child and am feeling so vulnerable, he used to talk about her all the time but recently is reluctant to talk about her, last I heard she was on the verge of splitting up with her partner, I have tried to find out if she is single but not sure.

I have no idea if I am just being paranoid or if he is being inappropriate or if something is going on. Im scared if telling him what I have seen because I know I shouldn't have been snooping.

Can anyone offer me some sane advise cos I'm very much short of it here...

You're not being paranoid.

They're at it.

Or on the verge of being at it.

Sorry sad

kahlua4me Thu 07-Jun-12 15:28:07

sounds very dodgy to me I am sorry to say.
Did you confront him about the texts?

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 15:30:57

Your concerns are based on the actual facts of their inappropriate texting and not figments of a paranoid imagination.

I don't thnk you're scared of telling him what you've seen because you've been snooping so much as scared that he may up and leave but, honey, it's time to put your cards on the table and ask him exactly what his intentions are towards this particular 'colleague'.

Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 15:32:01

I haven't had the courage to confront him, I feel horribly guilty about reading the texts in the first place. Feel like I'm 28 going on 16. I'm at a total loss

BodyOfEeyore Thu 07-Jun-12 15:33:16

Four times a day? That's not necessary. I would be mighty suspicious too.

Proudnscary Thu 07-Jun-12 15:34:28

I'm so sorry, what a horrible find when you are eight months pregnant.

If you possibly can, can you jump from 'these texts are making me feel paranoid' to 'my dh is having an affair - either emotional or sexual or both'.

As that will truly save you a lot of time and wasted energy.

Sorry to be blunt but it is true.

The texts, plus her splitting from partner, plus him talking about her loads to not talking about her at all but still texting = an affair.

What do you feel you want to do about it?

If you confront he will 99% definitely deny it.

Proudnscary Thu 07-Jun-12 15:34:59

Fuck feeling guilty about reading the texts, don't be diverted by stuff that doesn't matter now.

kahlua4me Thu 07-Jun-12 15:36:19

Sorry, I obviously missed the last part of your post. I also think you may be scared to confront because of the possible fallout and the truth coming out.

You have no need to be guilty about reading his texts. I would have no qualms about dh reading my texts or viceversa as we have nothing to hide. IMO only people with secrets would get funny about that.

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 15:41:18

You're not being paranoid. Any relationship that has to be kept secret is wrong. Even if they're not having sex they are having an emotional affair. Which is against the rules of him being in a relationship with you. I'm sorry yet another twunt is treating a pregnant woman this way. Have it out with him & put your foot down. NO FURTHER CONTACT between them or he loses everything. You, his unborn child, the lot. Do you feel brave enough to do that?

idontbelieveanymore Thu 07-Jun-12 15:45:15

I have been in the same identical position as you. I confronted him about it when children in bed and was shaking like a leaf. He always swore that ot was just banter and never meant anything, nothing went on etc etc

I didn't believe him completely but we have since moved and so no more contact. But I will never forget it and am forever suspicious. You must confront and then YOU will KNOW from his reaction to you . The words he will say are not what you go by...go by your gut reaction and instinct.

These texts are way over the line. Even if they are just texts he is flirting and behaving like he wants her. Dick head.

likeatonneofbricks Thu 07-Jun-12 15:46:42

agree with midwife - you are being too nice and gentle with him! with the help of this thread, hopefully you'll see you have every right to stand up for yourself - I'm sure you have read the texts as something about him started to feel odd.

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 15:53:42

What midwife has advised is the only way to go, honey.

It'll be of scant consolation to you at this moment in time, but it's infinitely preferable to be a single parent than to live with the uncertainty that inevitably accompanies a philandering twunt.

ladymariner Thu 07-Jun-12 15:55:55

What a horrible thing to have to find out, but find out you have and now it's up to you to decide how to handle this. Never mind the fact that you 'snooped' to find this info, you must have felt uneasy in the first place if it's the first time in 7 years.
Personally I would have it out with him, I couldn't just sit on this and not say anything but then of course there is the chance he may decide its her he wants. The bastard, what is it with these men? Hope you get more useful advice than mine, just wanted to stand by your side, like the others on here x

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:20:14

I'd advise checking out chocoraisin's threads & blog. She is also 8 months pg & her stbxh had an affair & is now living with ow. I hope it is nothing more than stupid texting but even so if you don't put your foot down now it will become more when the poor lamb feels all neglected because you "only care about the baby". Seen it many times I'm afraid! angry

Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:20:37

Tbh I'm absolutely terrified, I've been dwelling on this for far too long and i know that I need to sort it out before the birth. I'm not sure how to start this conversation as I'm sure its emotional not physical, its not knowing and not knowing if he will have the balls to admit it if its true. I know this sounds like me in denial but it is so unlike him.

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 16:24:55

Maybe his unfaithful gene is latent but he's got it as, to some extent, as do we all.

Better to get the conversation over now than wait until you're giving birth, or, worse, spending what should be blissful first weeks with your pfb.

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 16:27:40

'as' 'as'? I seem to be stuttering today but there's no need for to be hesitant when you ask for an explanation and demand that he ceases all contact outisde of work with his 'colleague'.

TheHappyHissy Thu 07-Jun-12 16:28:17

The fact that he has gone from talking about her to NOT talking about he is significant.

IIRC (and someone kindly correct me if I'm wrong) this often signifies the change from emotional to physical affair, or at the very least a deeping of affection, or whatever you call that kind of ffing treachery

I'm so sorry love.

countingto10 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:32:55

You said it yourself, he never texts you or talks to you in the loving way he does to her sad. What he is investing in her, he is taking away from you. He turned you down so he could take her to lunch. Please start to get angry about these things and see them for what they are.

If possible ask to see his phone as soon as you confront so he cannot delete any evidence, do not let him turn this around onto you - you had a very good reason to snoop, do not let him deflect it. And if he says it wasn't cheating, ask him if he would have sent those loving texts if you had been looking over his shoulder.

Good luck, it is truly horrible feeling but you must deal with this.

likeatonneofbricks Thu 07-Jun-12 16:33:27

you could start with something like 'I've done something I shouldn't have, for which I'm sorry, but I felt something was off, and I need some answers now as my imagination is going wild and I'm stressed, which is bad for me and the baby'. Hopefully he will be reassuring, or if it's serious with OW he probably values his soon to be born child enough, to be able to talk about it in a mature way and not fly off the handle at you.

Oogaballoo Thu 07-Jun-12 16:37:20

I think that they are having an affair, emotional or physical, and are attempting to conceal it. The limited amount of texts and his new reluctance to talk about her, to me, points towards him trying to cover his tracks and make sure there's no evidence lying around. The messages that are there are so affectionate that I think there's a lot of talking or other behaviour going on in person that is way beyond friendship.

puds11 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:40:47

Can you forward the texts to your phone incase he deletes them?
He is definately having some sort of affair if he is like that with her but wont touch you.
I'm sorry this is not what you need right now.

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:42:59

I'm sure you are terrified but try to turn the fear into absolute FURY!!!! My DH it turned out had an affair with his cousin just before we met 5 years ago. I knew nothing of this until I borrowed his old mobile while on maternity leave 3 years later. I saw all the gory details in the archive but luckily for him the dates checked out & it was before we met. HOWEVER, when checking his current phone I found current texts still saying inappropriate things like "of course you're still as gorgeous as you were" etc etc. I felt physically sick. I came down on him like a ton of bricks & it was cut off all contact immediately & forever or not only would he be out the door like a shot, I would tell his cousin's husband & his parents about their affair. He wasn't the type either! He knows to this day that if he contacts her again that's it & if his parents ever ask me why I won't let him see his "lovely cousin who was so good to him after his divorce" I will tell them the truth. Don't stand for it. Not being afraid to be alone helps as I've been a single parent before & know I can cope again if necessary. You can too if worst comes to worst. Be brave honey. sad

stargazy Thu 07-Jun-12 16:49:21

Totally agree with Happyhissy that when do stop talking about the, that's the time to really worry.He's gone undercover with this relationship and wether physical or not in my book that is an affair.I have experience of this but not when I was close to giving birth.Opposite end of family spectrum.Grown up kids.
But it hurts like hell.It's a massive betrayal and you deserve to know the truth before your baby is born.
The very least he can do is cut all contact with OW immediately.Then comes the really hard part deciding if he's been totally honest and if you still want to be with him.Your decision, not his.How you found out about this really isn't relevant so please don't beat yourself up over that.He gave you cause to doubt him when you neede him most, and proved you're not paranoid - just intuitive.
I'm so,so sorry you are going through this.

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