My friend has got herself in a bit of a mess (sorry, little bit long)

[GiveMeStrength2day]

I'm posting this about a friend (with her knowledge). I'll try and include as much info as possible whilst omitting identifiable details.

Her 'D'P has anger management issues. He finds fault with everything she does - she can't do anything right in his eyes. They have one DC and my friend is (at his insistence) at SAHM. P insists everything is cooked from scratch and that dinner is on the table at the same time every night and if, for any reason, that doesn't happen he goes ballistic. He also has OCD tendencies with regard to house-cleaning (not that he actually does any cleaning!). He will verbally lay into my friend for the slightest thing. For example, he came across a (small toy belonging to the DC one day and because he didn't recognise it (it was a cheap thing that my friend had bought a while back) he shouted at her and said that she was a devious cow and that sort of thing. Another time the DC took a tumble in the garden - my friend was indoors and her P was in the garden and yet she was shouted at that it was her fault!! I could go on!

The P is also seriously obsessive about their bank account. He expects my friend to manage the finances (ok ordinarily fair enough) but also insists that they maintain a balance of £x thousands in a savings account. This is completely unfeasible/unrealistic given they have one (not fantastic) wage coming in. The savings account has dwindled down and down (to top up his wages) that when the day came and he asked how much was in there my friend panicked and lied. Then she did something really silly, she used an interest-free credit card and did a money transfer to top up the savings account! £thousands. She now makes minimum repayments using the weekly "pocket money" he allows her (meant for buying herself clothes and suchlike). She has offered (obviously not saying why) to get an evening supermarket job but the P said he was not prepared to commit to putting the DC to bed every evening!

She can't carry on like this - she is a nervous wreck. She is terrified of telling him and I can understand why. She's not sure if he would hit her (that hasn't been his MO up til now - just emotional bullying).

I hope I've explained this properly - it's hard to try and keep it brief. My advice to her is ultimately to leave him. The money is a red herring as his behaviour is vile now and he doesn't even know about the debt. There is equity in their house so they could sell it and she'll have to get herself a local job in order to get herself and the DC a little place. I've also suggested she speak to someone like Womens Aid.

Please let me have your thoughts. I'm happy to clarify anything I've missed.

[doggiemumma]

God he sounds awful, but he also sounds ill. I think your friend needs to get away from him, in the mean time you just need to be there for her, tell her that you are willing to be her "bolt hole" if ever she needs somewhere to go in an emergency. He needs help, but he would probably never admit to it - she now has DC to consider and it would be just terrible for them to continue like this.

[DreamingofSummer]

Only one word of advice "Leave"

[Tina2003]

Oh God, I read first few lines and I was already thinking 'What is she still doing there ???' It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and your friend getting herself in this situation with credit card etc, proves she is in an abusive relationship! Sorry if I sound harsh but your friend needs to get a wake up call and just leave him otherwise she will end up in a hospital or 6 ft under the day he snaps! It's good she has a friend like you but it will be ultimately her step to take. Until she is ready to accept the reality of the situation, there is not much you can do.

[GiveMeStrength2day]

I've told her if she needs to make a quick getaway with her DC she's more than welcome to stay with me til she sorts herself out. We'd muddle through.

My friend did speak to the P's mother recently and briefly touched on the tough time she's having (she didn't tell her about the debt) and the mother said she'd read an article about Aspergers and wondered if he could have that. I don't know enough about Aspergers - the OCD/needing set routines might ring true but the screaming abuse in her face bit??

I shall certainly let her know your responses and advise her that Mumsnet (& me!) knows best!

If anyone else has any opinions, they'd also be most welcome.

[BBisTitanium]

Pay the credit card off without his knowledge, take enough money to get a place, then leave. A hostel would be better than living in such fear!

[Xales]

Does she still have the money in the savings? First thing if so is to pay off the credit card. That debt is going to cost her lots once the 0% balance is up.

Then she needs to decide if she is staying in this relationship with him or not. He sounds vile but at the end of the day only she can make that decision. If she stays he isn't going to change.

Then she needs to sit down with him and a spreadsheet and show all their income and out goings to show there just isn't enough coming in and that he is being unrealistic which is why there is no savings.

[AThingInYourLife]

Blaming abusive behaviour on Asperger's is quite en vogue at the moment, but it is bullshit.

This man is a controlling abuser and she needs to get away from him.

What does she say about leaving? Is she ready to go yet?

[Anniegetyourgun]

The screaming abuse bit could just be because he is Not A Nice Man. People with Asperger's can be nice or nasty just like people without!

[Empusa]

She shouldn't be in a relationship where she's experiencing that level of fear :(

She needs out, I can't see that there is any saving that relationship.

She also needs to think about how his anger affects their DC, even if he doesn't take it out on them now, there's no way of knowing that he wouldn't as they get older.

Really hope she escapes.

[WetAugust]

So what if he does/doesn't have Aspergers? Understanding the cause for the behaviour is a red herring as if he does have Aspergers he will have had it since birth and will have it until the day he dies and is very unlikely to be able to change his behaviour to a sufficient extent, in a short period, to make living with him bearable.

No, there are just some nasty, controlling arseholes out there and it sounds as though your friend has found one.

My advice - get out.

[TanteRose]

Bloody hell

That is hardly being "in a bit of a mess" - that's being in an emotionally (and most probably physically, soon) abusive situation

I don't believe for a moment this sorry excuse for a man is on the Aspergers spectrum - he is just on the Complete Bastard spectrum if you ask me

If he was OCD , he'd be doing the obsessive cleaning himself

[TheLittleMonster]

I'd advise her not to consider the Aspergers. Her primary concern is the safety of the DCs and herself. She might be compromising this if she hangs around any longer. Please help her to get out soon.

[WetAugust]

If, as you say, she has access to the family finances she should just use some of those funds to rent somewhere and leave.

There is no reason, financial or otherwise for her to stay.

[GiveMeStrength2day]

There is around (I think) £3k in the savings. She owes £10k on the card! She is paying it £20 a week. As I said before, the money part is a red herring - he doesn't even know about it. She's so scared that given his current behaviour towards her what will he will like once she tells him. I think the whole thing is overwhelming her and she's hoping it will all go away.

[Chubfuddler]

He doesn't sound ill, he sounds evil. As for the ever increasingly common "perhaps he has aspergers" as an explanation for his vile behaviour, what crap. He may have aspergers, he may not, but he's a vile controlling cunt because he chooses to be, no other reason.

[foolonthehill]

OK. Angry and controlling man alert: Advise her to pay off debt on card.

And walk away.

Then read Lundy bancroft "Why Does He Do That?" Inside the minds of angry and controlling men link here

if she is not ready to take drastic action and has not yet realised that this is only going to get worse (it took most of us a while to realise our DPs were abusers...no bruises you see, none on the outside anyway) then get her to have a look at the top of this thread and talk to Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) www.womensaid.org.uk/.

make sure she uses safe internet browsing (or the library computer), the WA telephone number will not show up on a land line bill (not sure about mobiles).

She is lucky to have a friend to support her.

[Tina2003]

btw I suggest your friend start documenting this, meaning mentioning it in confidence to her GP who might have some tips on how to contact anyone in case she needs extra help getting out.

[AThingInYourLife]

It won't go away (of course you know that as well as I do).

I think she needs to leave and deal with the debt problem later.

£10K?! Fucking hell.

[kahlua4me]

As Tanterose said, if he had OCD he would be cleaning up himself, not just shouting at her.

Do you know if he has always been like this, or has it increased over time? He certainly needs some therapy to deal with all his problems.

In the meantime I think she shoud leave, or best, get him to move out. She needs to make sure that dc and her are safe and not subject to his awful behaviour.

Then, IF he has therapy and does change, then she can decide if she wants the relationship to move forward. Mind you, once apart, I dont think she will want him back.

[foolonthehill]

^the whole thing is overwhelming her and she's hoping it will all go away.^

It won't. it is likely to escalate and she needs to trust her instincts which are the single best predictor of how an abusive man will react.

[Pedigree]

We never say "oh, he is like that because he is in a wheelchair", I hope one day we could afford the same courtesy to those who have Aspergers.

Whether this man has aspergers or not is irrelevant, he seems, however, to be an abuser that she would be better off leaving.

[izzyizin]

Dinner cooked from scratch and on the table at the same time every night? Except for the fact that his knuckles are dragging on the ground, he'd be a Victorian throwback.

If the house is jointly owned your friend needs to talk to a solicitor about dissolving her 'partnership' to release any equity that will, hopefully, enable her to set up her own home. Your friend's local Women's Aid service should be able to recommend a lawyer who specialises in these matters.

In the meantime I would suggest she cleans out the savings account, uses it to pay off the credit card, and moves in with you.

Forget about 'diagnosing' him; the guy's a controlling and abusive knob and he's not going to change in this lifetime.

[GiveMeStrength2day]

Thank you all so much for all the advice you are offering - I will certainly make sure she sees it all.

Loving the "Complete Bastard spectrum"!!

Yes, I wasn't sure if it was insulting to anyone who genuinely has Aspergers. It does seem to be a catch-all get-out for anyone who is an arse!

[GiveMeStrength2day]

As regards, has he always been like this? They've been together (I think) around 6 years and DC is 4yo. I met my friend about 3 years ago and I always got the impression all was not great at home although she didn't specifically say as much - new friendship etc. Fairly recently she did (bravely) pull him up on his behaviour and asked what had happened to the man she'd first met. He responded that perhaps it had all been an act . I mean. WTF??

She's a lovely person. Genuinely kind-hearted and self-less. Her P would get the shock of his life if we were to do Wife-Swap and he got me!! Home-made food made from scratch indeed!! But seriously, it's awful when I see her shaking with nerves from it all.

[foolonthehill]

^He responded that perhaps it had all been an act^

"When somebody tells you who they are , believe them"