anyone else with DP with depression - or just any ideas, really....

[catflap]

I am hoping that you wise lot might be able to help me with
a) whether this sounds like depression still
b) whether I'm making a big deal out of nothing
c) some reassurance that I'm not the only one going through this

DH is into computers - he works in IT and has a couple of machines at home - we have a mini network here which is great for all my needs and wants IT-wise! However, DH has all this stuff in our converted basement and these days, he prefers to live his whole life donw there. I saw him last night once when he came up for a drink and again when he went to the loo. We passed brief sentences as he was on the stairs back down.

He says everything he needs is down there - he has 2 screens on with web surfing on one and msn chat on the other and then a tv screen with a dvd playing, usually. This is how he spends every evening and every weekend. He will surface now and again at the weekend to play with dd (20 month)

We are 'allowed' down there but this usually makes him moody as we are invading his space, muddling up some pile of crap on the floor or generally getting in the way.

He knows only too well that I don't like never seeing him, but this 'moaning' only makes him stay down there more, apparently, to get away from it.

He has suffered from depression in the past and has been on Prozac but came off it on his own as he reckoned he has treated himself.... He still has god moods and bad moods - he has been particularly stressed with work recently and our lack of money.

He says we have nothing in common and he doens't want to stay upstairs with me as all I do is watch telly (which is hardly true - there is virtually nothing I like to watch these days). I do understand this - before dd, we went out all the time and that was how we got on together: then we would return home and do our own stuff. I understand the PCs are his interest and he likes his own company, but to withdraw himself totally is very selfish. i read on another thread somewhere that someone said 'depression is a very selfish illness' and that certainly rings true.

I know all the things to do to 'tempt' him upstairs - but he has an excuse everytime. Basically, he just does want to be downstairs on his own. There is no give or take at all. He gets very defensive whenever I try to explain how it makes me feel and starts chicking insults about like 'you're boring' 'we never have anything to talk about any more' or just gives it 'i have a headache' 'I feel tired' etc etc

Does this sound like the depression kicking off again or am I using that as an excuse?

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? My family feel I should just leave him to it - after all, he has worked hard all day, he needs to relax, he's not spending money, I know where he is etc etc I know people have it far worse - when I'm not 'having a go' at him for this and just leaving him to his own devices. He sometimes has dinner with me; he is involved dd's bedtime routine. He is not otherwise nasty or violent - he just wants to be left alone. He only gets unpleasant when confronted about this.

Oh, and then he wonders why he comes to bed eventually after an evening of being alone but then doens't get sex. (?!)

And money is an issue - since i gave up work, we barely have enough to cover all the monthly bills. We manage to get a night out together maybe once every couple of months but it's hard when we used to be out nearly every night.

Any thoughts? Sorry s long - tried to make it as brief as possibly but hope I've given enough details to get the picture.

[sandyballs]

It is very selfish and he can't expect you to live like this . Not sure if it sounds like depression really as have no experience with that, but it does sound like he needs to make far more effort with you and your DD. Why on earth would you feel like sex when you haven't even seen him all evening. Men amaze me sometimes.

[catflap]

well, precisely.... He is very much in his own little world these days, and he accuses ME of not being realistic! I didn't think I should be expected to live like this, but there is pretty much nothing I can do about it. When he's in the right mood, which doesn't happen much at the moment, we talk really well about things we need to - he's quite in touch with his emotions! However, he is also very stubborn and obstinate and if he feels someone is trying to make him do or not do something, he will do the opposite on purpose just to make a point....

[sandyballs]

It must be very difficult for you if he clams up and refused to see there is a problem. Maybe he is still depressed, but sitting in the basement looking at PCs and TV on his own is surely only going to fuel his depression.

I'm trying to think of ways you could get him out and get talking without spending money. Not easy really as most nights out involve pubs or food.

Can't you lock the basement or would he just go mad?

I'd be furious if my DH did this. It's rejecting.

[Filyjonk]

Catflap, it does sound like depression, I'm afraid. I help people with mental health probs claim benefits-this is exaclty the sort of thing to get someone Incap benefit.

Sounds like he wants to spend ages alone, not interacting, needs routine, needs things a certain way etc etc. Classic depression. Sorry.

But, jusy cos he's depressed, doesn't stop him from being at fault. If he's depressed he needs to seek help, just as if he had another illness. His behavious t/w you is selfish. If depression is the cause he must not use it as an excuse. Secondary depression among partners of people who are depressed is very common.

I have never been depressed, touch wood, and I hope someone who has/is will come along and give you that perspective. Best of luck.

[catflap]

I've got to say, knowing how it all went before, and knowing he really can't have cured himself... it does all seem very familiar. I have no idea how to help someone who won't help themselves. No, I can't lock the basement - there is an open stairwell, (well, with baby gate) from our dining room down.

great to have your thoughts, filyjonk, thanks.

[catflap]

regardless of depression - anyone else out there a computer widow??

[spinamum]

Catflap,I'm there too at the moment. my dh is currently being treated for depression.It tooks ages for him to accept something wasn't right. things are still not back to normal.

we were having lots of really stupid arguments. i thought of leaving him, because he was adament it was me that was the problem. we/he finally cracked when we had an argument at a friend's wedding.(not in newly weds company, i'm not that selfish) he got drunk, (but wasn't obviously drunk if that makes any sense)stopped talking to me,locked him self in the car and at one point wandered off into the dark night, leaving me in tears. all our friends who hadn't a clue what was going on were total stars, but part of me allowed this to happen in public because i couldn't cope anymore on my own and it is not fair on our son.(potential reason for leaving)

Next day he didn't remember a single thing about the night.

I'm not suggesting you have a huge fight, but I felt i had to make him see sense somehow.

I've suffered from depression myself and i still feel unable to help my DH. everyone's depression is differant.i feel that i'm lucky that i'm happy (pardon the pun) to admit i'm not feeling well and do something about it.

Somedays I feel anger towards my husband because there are three of us in this family and our son deserves not to be subjected to his mummy and daddy shouting at one another. i try not to argue but sometimes the agruments are ridiculous personal attacks and i'm unable to let it lie.

Catflap, honey, i'm here for you even if it's just in cyberspace.

[catflap]

spinamum - thank you so much - actually, you made me cry, but i feel better now!

"i try not to argue but sometimes the agruments are ridiculous personal attacks and i'm unable to let it lie" - those words could have come out of my mouth.

We have had big (stupid) barneys before and it hs kicked off a good discussion, so I know what you mean. At the moment, I am playing the moody 'i;m not talking to you, i'm so pissed off' tactic as nothing else I ave done recently has worked, so well see where this leads....

Although leaving is tempting - what i really want is for it to all be alright again, and leaving won't make it alright. Practically, it just isn't going to happen I have zero money and nowhere to go. (Of course my family would help in an emergency, but this isn't it. he'd have to be battering me before I'd consider it an emergency!) Plus my marriage vows mean a lot to me - for better, for worse etc. And, there are days when I LIKE my own company, so it's not all bad all the time. But I want HIM to be back to 'normal' or as close to it as we can get! and I would like us to be back to some degree of normality and leaving won't result in either of these. Also, I'm not taking dd away from her daddy - he's good with her and that would just be mean.

Thanks so much again - I might well get back to you! x

[Kidstrack2]

Not healthy for you , your dd or himself, although he does sound very selfish(it could be depresion). What does he do down there all that time! You are supposed to be a family unit and clearly its not, how does he know you have nothing in common if he spends every evening down there, then he wonders why you don't have sex, isn't it obvious to him you need to build the relationship back up again before intimacy, Men who would have em

[spinamum]

catflap

i'd never leave either. it's becauase i love him that life is so unbearable when he's ill.
leaving would not be a practical option either.

the "leaving" option is only in my head (in a pro/con kind of way) and another part of my "shock him into treatment approach". i think i may even have asked him once mid barney did he want me to go? dh and i both turn into teenagers when we argue. lots of grabbing car keys and "kevin" like stomping as far as the front door.

on the positive side, my dh is getting better and most days he's "normal". we did have another silly one on monday which just reminded me that he is still needing my extra nice version of me.Not the raging batty witch one .

take care, catflap and anyone else browsing this thread.

[beejay]

My ex has depression, and it sounds like your dh has too... you have my sympathy! So hard to live with...
Actually my ex has got quite a bit better, since he started taking Anti Depressants. (Unfortunately not enough to make it work between us in the long-term, but still...)
They haven't cured him but he is much better than he was-- less likely to fly off the handle, to blame other people, generally a calmer and more reasonable person!

What i noticed when the AD's started working was that he began making plans for the future, trying different things and generally being more positive about life...
If your p was less depressed I am sure he would quickly become bored downstairs, and find the outside world more interesting again.

Has he tried therapy? What's the likelihood of him going back on to prozac again? Why did he come off it?

[Filyjonk]

carflap

can you go to relate or similar? even alone? might get through to him or ar least help you clarify situation?

[milkbar]

Reading this rings bells for me too.
I often wonder if DH is depressed or just doesn't like me anymore. He is withdrawn, emotionally inarticulate, can hardly smile at me. He is only animated when playing with DD, on the computer (!), or watching the footie. He seems to avoid doing anything with me or as a family. He never says anything 'nice' to me, and never compliments me. Although he doesn't verbally attack me either - but there is an absence of warmth. We don't argue, because in the past confrontation has been so hurtful and distructive.
We are polite to one another - but we never really talk.
So I am left feeling unloved, like I'm a horrible nagging witch, and I don't know whether this is depression (which he won't talk about) or that he has fallen out of love (which he won't talk about either).

I try to carry on as normal, I am loving and supportive and I still instigate sex because I think if we lost that it would be over. (And of course I still love and fancy him even if it isn't mutual )

I wanted to offer some supportive friendly words Catflap - but have only realised that I need to confront this for myself as well!!

One thing to remember about depression is that it doesn't have to be permanent - and that when the illness is treated (by drugs, or counselling, or the summer)the person who was depressed changes.. and that if your DP is depressed and it is treated you will get your old lovable DH back. But first of all they have to admit they need help, and then get it.

[chenin]

I am in this sad situation as well. My DH spends hours and hours and hours on his pc. Ocasionally I have made a mental note of how many hours he spends on it, but once it gets to 30 hours in a week, I give up. What a waste of time this is - we could be having fun. So, in answer to your question, catflap, yes I am a computer widow also.
He has his own office and sometimes, if I have been out for the day on a weekend, I come home after about 8 hours and he is sat in exactly the same position as when I left and it irritates the hell out of me!
And Milkbar, I know what you are saying about the absence of warmth. I can't seem to get him animated about anything. My DDs are teenagers and don't need us so much now, and my DH is talking about retiring so from 30 hours a week on the pc, it will probably be over 100!
All very difficult....

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

I was a computer widow. My DP is in IT too.

Then he got me a laptop sorted, went on about the wonders of the internet and how you can do EVERYTHING on line etc etc.

THen i found MN.....

And he now moans about how long I spend on the computer "Mumsnetting"

Seriously though, it seems he needs a short sharp shock to realise where you are both at. I dont honestly know what to suggest but i sincerely hope it works out for you.

[lilianna]

is it poss your dh is suffering from pnd? its barely heard of in men as they don't like to express there feelings but is nowadays becoming more common.
I know its hard to live with and harder still for someone to live with someone who has it but the hardest of all is to get someone to admit they have it.
best of luck

[PeachyClair]

God this sounds familiar.

As a lot of mnetters know, my DH had severe depression (several recurrences in fact) and at one point survived a suicide attempt. I was at home calling the police knowing what he was doing but unable to get to him. . fortunately, the car stalled and he didn't go off the side of the road.

Yes, this sounds like depression. My DH is also the IT-Techie type and seems to retreat into himself when he goes down, and finances are a factor for us.

We pulled through, though I will describe those months / years as pure HELL. DH would walk off suddenly in places and I wouldn't know where he was going, if he'sd hurt himself, if I would see him again- I still get panic attacks if he leaves the house to do the bins woithout telling me where he is going, fortunately he understands why this is. However, the key was that DH and I have loads in common and adore each other: if we didn't there was no way we'd be together right now, it would be impossible.

I think he needs to see a GP- you can go and ask for advice if he genuinely won't. However, he will need to be seen. Besides that though the most important thing is to monitor the effects on you and DD, that's the important bit. I never realised how DH's illness affected ds1, however now his Dad has been stable a while I am relaising how not- withdrawn he is now. IYKWIM.

[catflap]

peachyclair - I had read previous threads of yours and wondered if you would chip in, actually - thanx. Your experience sounds very similar to how ours was a couple of years ago - it's certainly not that bad now. Although it doesn't directly help anyone, it's always comforting to know other people are going through it too - sometimes, exp with the people I socialise with, it seems like everyone else has a warm, fulfilling family life and 'coupledom' and it's just us that don't....

lilianna - I have wondered about pnd too - although how you differentiate it from 'regular' depression I do not know... It has definitely played a big part dd coming along - she was planned and dh loves her to bits and wouldn't change a thing and he is great with her - but he just can't cope with the lack of money, the lack of free time and the messy house. i see all this as a reality I was prepared for and to be met as a challenge and he sees it all negatively and something to get down about..

VeniVidiVickiQV - I am on the laptop an awful lot admittedly; ebay is a great passion as are other message boards and MSNing... See, I don't want his company ALL the time, thank you very much - i have plenty of things to do! Just sometimes would be nice. When I've finished online...! I do understand what a great addiction it is and how entertaining it is - i hardly watch telly these days.

helliebean - sounds so familiar. And the weekend stories, too...! Thing is, I also think this is a seasonal thing. Mind you, dh isn't an 'outdoor' person either, but at least there is more scope for going out and having free days out and you feel more positive with all the sun etc

milkbar - yes, does sound similar, doesn't it. Lack of warmth especially. dh says he still loves me and I know he wants to feel loved and wanted - he just doesn't help himself! I asked him today what i had done to get so hated and he said nothing at all and he didn't hate me. (I sort of knew this, but wanted to hear him say it!) I think with the depression, there is no motivation, interest, or indeed any positive feelings of any sort. Although this doesn't necessarily turn into negative feelings eg. just because you don't feel he likes you, it doens't mean he doesn't like/fancy/love you - just the feelings are repressed so much they can't be felt any more - instead, just emptiness and numbness. That's what i sense from dp. Lots of love to you - we'll sort it out somehw, I'm sure.

fliljonk - I have thought about relate. again, it's money. I really don't have any extra for the stuff I do need, let alone extras. I'm sure if I get desperate enough, I'll find some from somewhere but at the moment, I don't feel it's so bad. Yet. But it is always in the back of my mind.

beejay - dh mentions going back on prozac and I wish he would. I called them happy pills - it was fab. Gave him a real emotional break to start to deal with things. His last prescription ran out and he felt he was all cured so just never went back for more. I was not in agreement with this.

Thanks all for your words - you've been a great help. xx

[PeachyClair]

Well, I do hope that the one thing people get from our tale is that actually people can recover and get through it: DH is now depression free and we are still together

Anyway, whaen did I ever not chip in?