My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help me to save my marriage...

85 replies

BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 20:22

Hi, this is long and complicated - apologies in advance.

I've previously posted on here about issues with DSS and DH's guilt issues meaning that every spare minute outside of work is spent with DSS, hence no quality time to ourselves as newlyweds. We are working thru this and have arranged to change DSS timings as DH agreed they were pretty unsustainable.

So far so good...

The problem I have is that since marrying last August, DH and I have had an amazing time, but he just doesn't seem to 'need' me as much as he used to, mostly in a physical sense, for instance he'll get really grumpy if I just lean across and kiss him if I don't manage to time it right with whatever's on tv! He is pretty stressed with his job which may explain some of it.

To add to this, we both work in the same place, along with an old flame of mine. I met the other man about 13 years ago and there was instantly a chemistry there, but we never really did much about it because he's 11 yrs older than me and I just assumed it'd never work. We did have a few snogs/semi-dates over a 5 year period but I always felt like he really wasn't interested in me for anything more so I didn't bother keeping in touch when our jobs took us apart.

Fast-forward to five years ago, and our jobs brought us back together again. He was married and I was with DH but not married yet. We are great friends and DH gets on really well with him too. I started to get a bit suspicious when this friend made a move on me a couple of months before my wedding - I was surprised but put it down to him being a bit bored in his marriage. We agreed to put it behind us and stay friends.

Anyway, out of the blue, 2 months ago he announces he's handed in his resignation at work and is taking a sideways move to somewhere else - very odd. Last week, he told me that the reason he is leaving is me (!) as apparently there's a huge physical attraction there and he feels that he can't carry on with his marriage with the feelings he has when he sees me every day. I am gutted - because he is my best friend, because I feel that I don't know where I stand with him any more, because he won't talk it through with me, gutted for lots of reasons.

But mostly I'm gutted because I feel like we missed our chance - we could've had something great together. We both said we thought it wouldn't have worked, then admitted we said it because we thought it'd make the other person feel better! I know that him leaving is hopefully going to help with this and although I'm sad, it's got to be done.

I just want to work on my marriage as I know that DH is the one for me - whatever did or didn't happen in the past is done and I just want to build a happy life with my husband. I've suggested date nights, mini breaks etc but he's not interested. And this makes me angry as I need to feel happy in my current relationship to get over this other man. Knowing that the other man feels the same has made it a hundred times worse. What can I do to bring back the 'spark' I used to have with my husband? I feel like I've made the choice to be with him but am not getting much back; I just need him to make me happy right now.

Sorry for rambling :( please help!

OP posts:
Report
Proudnscary · 02/06/2012 20:40

Umm so you resent your husband trying to see as much of his son as he possibly can and dismiss that as guilt issues?

You have feelings for another man and resent your dh for not helping you get over him?

Your dh should 'need' you more like you need him?

Why don't you read your post again and decide what you would think if it was someone else posting?

You sound self absorbed and frankly a bit of a nightmare.

Report
QuintessentialShadows · 02/06/2012 20:43

You need to stop navel-gazing and just get on with your life without over analyzing everything.

Report
EclecticShock · 02/06/2012 20:44

You want to be with the other man but you want to make your marriage work?

Report
EclecticShock · 02/06/2012 20:45

What about what your husband or his son want?

Report
scubadiva · 02/06/2012 20:52

Hello

I was drawn to your message by the title. All I can say is that I often feel physically rejected by my husband who also has a stressful job (and isn't a tactile person!) but when I think about it rationally I am very grateful that he has a wonderful loving relationship with our DD and as an adult I accept that sometimes marriage is just a bit mundane and my emotional needs are different to his. I know it's hard but good for you for sticking with your marriage and trying to find a way to make it feel better. I think though that sometimes we just have to accept that it's not great for a while and that it can't be changed overnight and just plough on! Ultimately, you say you know your husband is the right one for you so that is what you should hang onto and forget this other man. What could've been but never was will always seem more attractive as it has never been played out in reality :-)

Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 20:55

Ok, I tried to make everything as short as possible (have failed on that count!) and have also managed to not really get the point across either.

DH insists on having DSS every Friday night thru until Sunday night, meaning we cannot do anything alone as we both work long hours during the week. DH used to make sure he left work on time and had the same amount of time with his son by using weeknights and 1 weekend in 2 instead but now refuses to do that, which is why I felt stressed about it. This isn't really the main issue, but adds to the problem. I love DSS but am really struggling to cope without any time alone with DH. The other thread explained it better tbh :(

Anyway, the big issue is that I really want to put this all behind me. I'm not self-absorbed, I'm not cheating on DH, I just want things to be better between us and the other man issue has just kind of scared me in a way?

Please don't be mean to me - I have read posts on here about people doing some awful things to their partners. I just want to feel appreciated and not let myself become bitter about what could have been...

OP posts:
Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 20:56

And no, I don't want to be with the other man!

OP posts:
Report
Proudnscary · 02/06/2012 21:01

So you're still saying you will feel bitter towards your husband if things don't work out or aren't as you want them to be ...because you had the chance to be with another man. We could all say this!

You still say you resent him having DSS every weekend. You should appreciate - celebrate - this in your dh. He's a devoted father.

'Please don't be mean to me' - how old are you?

It's not often I feel this hardened towards a poster, but please look back at your posts and look at them through objective eyes and decide how you sound.

Report
SarkyWench · 02/06/2012 21:03

How old is dss?

Why does your Dh say he doesn't want to go out during the week?

Report
Shakey1500 · 02/06/2012 21:05

Got to agree with everyone else. You are expecting your husband to help you get over the other man who you admit to feeling like "you missed your chance". It comes across as you're only with him to fix you and make you feel better.

And the line "Dh insists on having DSS every weekend" is so awful :( It's his son of course he wants to see as much of him as possible. How torn your DH must feel as you must communicate this to him. Very sad for him.

Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 21:10

DSS is 6. DH doesn't want to go out full stop - not just during the week! Just says he doesn't feel the need to go out when we can eat/watch films etc at home.

proud I don't see where I've said I'll feel bitter if things don't work out nor have I said that I resent him having DSS every weekend. I said that I want my marriage to work and that I am finding it hard to cope with having DSS every weekend - these are different things.

I appreciate your point of view but I'm really not looking for people to criticise me on my choice of language nor make assumptions which make me look like a total cow - I'm not like that at all! I accept that the original post may not have explained everything totally clearly but I have clarified things - I want my marriage to work, I do not want to be with the other man, I am scared about the fact that he has made me feel so sad and most of all, having someone feel that way about me has maybe made me analyse my relationship a bit and realise that I need to feel a bit more loved and needed.

Hopefully that makes sense?!

OP posts:
Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 21:19

With the DSS issue, it's not the amount of time, it's the way that the time is organised which makes it difficult. I do not resent DSS, nor am I trying to reduce the time we spend with him, I just feel that it was more manageable before and I am genuinely finding it hard to function with the arrangements as they are at the moment. I only mentioned this as I felt that it was possibly part of the issue, i.e. not being able to work on our marriage or even just have more than an hour to talk together.

OP posts:
Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 21:21

But I agree...I could have worded it better and did come across as a bit horrible there - it's so hard to put things like this into words...

OP posts:
Report
ChitChatFlyingby · 02/06/2012 21:22

I can see where you're coming from. At 6 your DSS should be in bed by about 7.30 - 8.00 pm. There's no reason that you can't go out for a few drinks at a pub or have a late dinner out and hire a babysitter - your DH would have had all day with his DS anyway.

The thing is, your DH sees his DS as much as many fathers who actually live with their DC, as they get home after bedtime during the week, and noone would think they were being selfish if they went out occasionally on weekends!!!

He may be a devoted father, but he is also a husband, and he can't give all of his attention/focus to only one person. His DS NEEDS to see his father frequently and spent time with him. He DOESN'T need to spend the whole weekend, without a single break, with him. He's made a commitment to you too, and he should honour that.

Report
Mjtay · 02/06/2012 21:27

Awwww blue! I understand where ur coming from. Having a dss must be so tricky being newlywed. I don't know if I could do it. And now I have my dd I finally understand how ppl are in love with their children. Deep down ur dh would prob love to have him every minute of every day! But u knew this when u made ur vows. And accepting ur dss as a part of UR family will help u. Try see ur weekends as family time all together. Once the other man changes jobs it will get better. Out of sight out of mind iyswim. Ur thought of this other man may subconsciously be rubbing of on dh. I think time will ne a healer in this instance. Hope this helps xxx

Report
Dprince · 02/06/2012 21:30

I am confused. Was he not seeing dss before you were married? Has he increased this since?
In all honesty things haven't been great have they? You have this dss issue, you don't think dh cares and you think you missed your chance. An bf ofine admitted he still had feelings for me, I was with dh. If you were happy and committed to dh it may have shocked you but you wouldn't feel like you missed anything. If you only want people to say 'oh poor you' a forum asking for advice is probably not the best place. Your posts come across as though its your dhs job to make you happy without you doing much. No one can be completely responsible for your happiness. Also if this other guy was so great he would have just left and not said anything and certainly would not have made a pass at you when he was married. You haven't missed anything, he wife is married to a man who is willing to cheat, i would guess he already has. Have you told your dh that this happened?

Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 21:31

Thanks chitchat. This is where his guilt is causing issues - he won't go out even when DSS is in bed as he's "here to spend the weekend with us" and he also makes every weekend action-packed and full of fun, which is great but...we just never get any "down time". I've explained that if DSS is in bed he won't even know we're not there but it makes no difference. Also I know that DSS's mum saves all her housework/mundane chores etc for the weekend when he's with us, I have to do mine during the week due to trips out etc, surely a day just chilling at home once in a while won't do him any harm and also make him realise that it's not the fairies who clean everything up?!

The DSS issue has been brewing for a while I guess and I just hope that it's come across a bit better now - it's the intensity of the time which is so hard. I think that the other man issue maybe gave me a wake up call...?

OP posts:
Report
Shakey1500 · 02/06/2012 21:32

I stand by my earlier post. But you know, sometimes relationships go through testing times. It takes work. I am a stepmum. My DSS was 8 when I married DH. But I married him knowing that it would be alien to me at first, but got stuck in. I won't deny that there were odd times where it was particularly difficult for me but I never dreamed of letting DH know this. I plastered a smile and carried on. And it wouldn't have crossed my mind to ask or even hint to DH that I thought less contact would improve anything. AND at the time, we were working opposite shifts! If you want the marriage to work, these are the things that you do. It won't be forever.

To be honest though, even though you can't see it (asitwere) it is glaringly obvious that there is more wrong than your DH can make better. And that you have feelings for this other man. I would suggest your DH is picking all of this up, add to that he feels torn between his wife and son AND is knackered from working!

It's hard NOT to be critical. And if that's not something you want to read then I suggest that maybe posting about it isn't for you.

Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 21:38

dprince he was seeing DSS for the same amount of time but it only recently changed to every weekend, was a mixture of alternate weekends and weeknights before.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just advice on how to improve relationship with DH? I want things to be better between us and the other issues are relevant, hence me describing them.

OP posts:
Report
difficultpickle · 02/06/2012 21:40

If your dss was your ds he would be with you all the time so I'm not sure what your issue is. Nothing to stop you arranging a babysitter to go out one weekend evening.

Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 21:42

shakey I am not asking for less contact, just back to the timings we used to do!

OP posts:
Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 21:43

bisjo in my earlier post I explained DH won't go out when DSS is with us, i.e. each weekend.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ChitChatFlyingby · 02/06/2012 21:45

Wow, what on earth is that poor child learning??!! He's going to think that the world revolves around him, and that it's everyone's job to make him happy. He will have no idea how to actually keep himself amused, or find something that interests him on his own. He won't have any idea what reality is, not to mention how absolutely knacked he must be never being able to stop!

Report
BlueWorrier · 02/06/2012 21:47

And dprince I am trying so hard...arranging nights out (he refuses to come), I do all housework/cooking, buying him presents, always being affectionate - he pushes me away. I guess I should've mentioned that in the original post too.

I really am making a mess of this forum thing aren't I? :(

OP posts:
Report
Shakey1500 · 02/06/2012 21:47

Yes I misread, I apologise.

On the point about going out for the evening when DSS is there....personally that would be a no no for me. Unless the babysitter was someone he knew VERY well. Just in case he woke up, fell ill etc.

What happens on holidays? Do you and DH arrange weeks off together?

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.