Please help me get this in perspective <possibly long>

[RevoltingPeasant]

I really need someone to talk some sense into me.

DP and I are due to get married soon. I really love him. We have been together 4 years and he is very affectionate, cuddly, and really supports me - e.g. I had a superbusy time at work a couple of months back and without complaint he cooked us a proper tea from scratch every night and did all the food shopping on his own as I was working evenings and weekends. This is despite the fact that he has a massive commute himself.

We also have a shared sense of humour, like the same things, and just get on really well. When he had to go away for a week recently for work, I missed him, lots.

But. He has a whole series of related urological/ andrological type problems - erectile dysfunction, chronic prostate pain. We are going to start ttc next year and these are an obvious problem. His prostate pain is so bad at times that from Feb to May this year we couldn't have sex as ejaculation is painful then.

He has been to the GP about this a few times now over the last year but they just provide 'filler' solutions like Viagra for the ED or anti-Bs for the prostate thing. But then it just comes back.

If you've got this far - thanks!! Nearly done. The problem is that I think DP needs to march into the GP's and demand a referral. We are both early 30s and don't have forever. At the speed the NHS moves, even if the GP agreed to refer him tomorrow, I bet it would be the best part of a year before he got sorted out.

And he just will not go to the GP. He keeps putting it off, saying work is busy (since Feb!!!). He says he doesn't think a consultant can do anything, as he has done internet research which suggests the prostate pain is incurable. He also says it's his body and basically I should stop nagging.

I have tried to be goodhumoured and understanding but there is a limit. This has resulted in a series of explosive arguments recently - we never normally argue - and it's been made clear to me this week that I need to shut up about it. The problem is, I can't stop thinking about it. What if we start ttc and we just can't because of all these problems? I know I will result him hugely if I can't have a child because he couldn't be arsed to sort this out in time.

Am I being controlling and stupid? I feel like I risk throwing away a good relationship for one thing, and maybe I am just blowing it out of proportion - but I can't stop being teary about the fact that my desire to have a baby is being threatened by the fact that he basically can't be arsed.

I am sorry this is such an essay but I can't talk to anyone IRL about this as they all know DP and it wouldn't be fair on him.

[RevoltingPeasant]

*resent him, not result him

[lancelottie]

Couldn't just leave this unanswered. I shouldn't thin he can't be arsed. I think it's more likely he's burying his head in the sand because he fears it could be the end/feels guilty in advance for 'failure' to provide a child/is hugely embarrassed about it.

[Sallyingforth]

IMHO it would be wrong to start married life with such a big question hanging over you. He has to get it sorted first. You do realise he is frightened about what he might find?

[RevoltingPeasant]

Thank you lance. I think it is fear. We argued about it on Mon night and he demanded, 'How would you feel if I asked you to go to the dr's to have a painful invasive procedure done?'

I think he thinks if he sees a consultant they will examine him and it will hurt.

But I also feel like I am prepared to go through childbirth to give us a child and it's not fair of him to jeopardise that.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Sally yes I do. I want to sort this out before the wedding (August) but it's got to the stage where I'm scared to raise it. It's got to that point where we are about to start saying nasty poisonous things to each other. He gets so defensive when I raise this and I can't have a rational discussion with him about it.

[RevoltingPeasant]

PS - sorry for repeat posts - am going offline for tonight but if anyone has words of wisdom, please share. I kept bursting into tears at work yesterday - thankfully have my own office!! - alternately thinking about how I might be tearing my relationship apart and that I might go thru early menopause or something horrific and never have a baby. ARRRRRGH.

[Rindercella]

This is more than just ttc isn't it? Although that by itself is a massive thing. How important is a healthy sex life to you? It doesn't sound like it's currently that great. I can't imagine this will get any better if your DF doesn't get this problem sorted.

He of course is terrified by what might be found on further investigation. Whatever might be found, I can absolutely guarantee that if it's anything sinister it is far better caught sooner rather than later. I sadly can say this from experience as my DH died from prostate cancer last year. I don't mean to scare you, but these things sadly can - and do - happen.

It is though highly unlikely to be the big C, but this is a big thing - lack of sex life and unable to ttc - and needs to be investigated. Good luck.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I suppose he's frightened that these problems could be symptomatic of something more fundamental and sinister like prostate cancer. No-one wants to volunteer for 'painful and invasive procedures' but, if the alternative is chronic, painful illness or an early death, he has to overcome his fear. Having said that, I have no idea how you lead this particular horse to water, let alone get him to take a sip, especially if he's been dismissed by GPs in the past. It may not be until he's being loaded into the ambulance that he finally takes action.

[bigbuttons]

You can't get married with this hanging over you. You need to get it sorted out because it will be a thorn in your side.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Thanks all. He came home last night and said he'd made a dr's appointment. But the thing is, they just keep telling him to go away, basically. I don't have the confidence he'll actually ask for a referral.

Sorry, this is so boring, isn't it - I just can't stop being upset about it.

[TheHappyHissy]

Could you go with him?

[CaveyLovesWales]

Go with him. Definitely. Make them take it seriously.

[jubilucket]

I would try my damnedest to get him to take me with him to his appointment. My DP is a procrastinator about medical problems too, but this one is affecting you too closely. The GP should be fine with his wife-to-be turning up with him.

[MrsGuyOfGisbourne]

Agree with others, the ttc is important, but even more so is that he is understandably burying his head in teh sand about very worrying symtoms - if any of us females were suffering that type of pain we would be in there camped out and demanding answers. The fact that he is such a caring perosn about your feelings 9 all that nurtuign when you were stressed etc, makes it clear it is not that he doesnt care what you think, he is juste terrified of teh implications.
Could you go first youself to the GP and plan how to approach this? GPs must see this type of situation and have diplomatic ways of handling it to get him there - eg him being called in by the GP as a 'routine' follow up from previous treatment?

[BasilDonna]

One more vote for going with him.
Ask for a longer appointment, if possible, this will not fit in the standard 10 mins "What can I do for you today?" script.
Write down what you want on a piece of paper - it will help, if GP starts waffling on you can look down and read it.
Same if you start getting frustrated with being told to go away.
Keep calm and keep repeating what you want then to do.

[BasilDonna]

Having said that, ultimately it is his problem to solve. You cannot hold his hand forever.

[SarahBumBarer]

Go with him. I am pretty confident but this just disappears in doctors surgeries and I would never dream of asking a doctor for a referal - they are the doctors they should know best so if they do not offer one I would consider it presumptious to ask/demand one. I know this is ridiculous typing here now but that is the demeanour which overcomes me when I actually get in the surgery. Also you can probably be more articulate about the effect it is having on your relationship.

[BasilDonna]

This is how GP surgeries work though.
You will be send away initially because they work up to a referral, so to speak.
If you really believe there is a problem you have to be persistent.
And - and I know this is a huge generalisation, but still - most men are happy to be sent away with a paracetamol prescription.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd support going with him and making a fuss if necessary. My cousin, having been fobbed off for years by a GP who actually told him he was a hypochondriac (it's there on his notes), has recently been diagnosed with cancer at quite a late stage. Poor bastard. GPs are just that 'General' and some of them know bugger-all about anything but are too arrogant to admit it. If they won't refer, ask for a second opinon and keep asking until you get somewhere.

[Rindercella]

Brilliant news that he has booked an appointment with his GP. I definitely agree with going with him - your DF does have some worrying symptoms and some GPs are very good at fobbing people off. He is a man in his 30s, about to get married and who wants to be a father. He shouldn't be written off with a bit of Viagra. At the very least, the GP should refer him to a specialist who will get to the bottom of why he is experiencing the pain and difficulties he is having.

Good luck with it. And btw, you are not being stupid or controlling worrying about this, it's very important.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Thanks all, so much. It is really good to see that I am not crazy. DP just seems baffled that I care so much that sometimes I feel like a loon.

On going with him - we had a joint appt with GP in Nov (also the result of lots of arguments and tears).

GP said she would wait to refer him. She gave him a Viagra alternative as Viagra gives him headaches. But this new alternative gave him headaches too! And it didn't do anything about the prostate pain.

He went back in Feb of his own accord when the prostate pain got quite bad. She gave him some anti-inflammatory stuff which didn't work. That was when we had the massive period of him being in pain - couldn't cycle, pain after weeing, no sex, etc etc!

God, men are weird about this stuff. I can't believe he didn't go then.

Anyhow he didn't, and I'm a bit afraid now that the symptoms have finally abated (perversely!) they may decide to wait.

I want to offer to go, but is that too controlling? I feel like maybe I should give him some space and let him do this on his own??

[RevoltingPeasant]

Also, GP used to be a urologist herself, yonks ago. She keeps saying 'Well I might refer him if this persists but not sure they can do anything'.

I like her a lot but tbh I think her urology training can't be up to date and I just want him to see someone who's an actual current specialist in men's health.