Snooping on ex makes me miserable - how can I stop it?

[StopMeSnooping]

Does anyone have experience of compulsive snooping on an ex and then managing to stop it? If so how did you do it?

He left me, but I no longer love him / respect him. But of course I still grieve for the life I 'should' have had and the family I thought I would have for ever. I doubt I will ever meet anyone again, as I have massive trust issues and just cannot ever imagine trusting any man with my children or with my heart / happiness. I know tons of women who were dumped mid life, post-children and every single one of them remained single for ever, and I just feel that this is my destiny. I don't know one person who divorced and then happily, or indeed unhappily, remarried.

Unfortunately for me both my ex and his current partner both have their facebook pages set to 'public', so I can snoop at will. It's like a compulsion, although I know it only brings me anger / bitterness / sadness. If I never snooped again I would be a much happier person. But I just cannot break the pattern.

Bloody Facebook, it is like an 'anti-closure' device.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AdmiralBenson]

Block him from your Facebook - or even better, deactivate your Facebook account for a designated amount of time, two months, three months, however long you think it might take until you get yourself out of this rut.

"I know tons of women who were dumped mid life, post-children and every single one of them remained single for ever"

Really? Forever? So they're all dead now? Or in their 90s? It's a self-fulfilling prophecy to say you'll 'never meet someone ever ever again'! Concentrate on getting on with your life - activities that will help you meet new people, that kind of thing.

[RabidAnchovy]

BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK BLOOOOOCK

[StopMeSnooping]

Admiral unfortunately their pages are on a public business type page, i.e. one you can be a fan of, it's part of their media type business network (it is how they met), so even if I didn't belong to facebook I could just google 'facebook ow business name' and it comes up.

No not all the women are dead but they are all in their 60s or late 50s (they are generally mothers of friends or older work colleagues) and they've all been single since dumpage, i.e. for decades. The few that I know well enough to talk with about this kind of thing have said that they've never met a man they deemed worthy of their children, so they may have had the odd shag along the way, but never a proper relationship. It is the sad and unfair truth that women get dumped after doing their reproductive duty, and their loving husbands bugger off and seem to be able to take their pick of single women a decade younger and start it all again. Honestly I know so many women this has happened to and am so thrilled to have joined their number .

I am doing loads to get my life back on track, in fact have made remarkable progress really. That is why this snooping is so destructive, it's the only thing I'm doing wrong really and it just keeps knocking me back.

I know I just need to stop, but cannot seem to do it .

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The only way to quit one obsession is to find something more interesting to replace it with. Fill your spare time with constructive activities, take up an absorbing hobby, whatever is required. And 'de-friend' the ex of course. You won't hear anything good by eavesdropping.

[StopMeSnooping]

You are right of course cogito but there's always that spare 10 minutes in the day when I just accidentally google them. Especially as I am in most evenings with the kids in bed. at self. He was de-friended a loooong time ago, but their pages are available to view as a 'public' type thing (it's work related but they seem to live their relationship out on there as well), so anyone can look at their facebook pages, even if they do not have a facebook account.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then you'll either have to stay off t'internet for a while until you break the habit or maybe someone can tell you how to block a particular web-page? The danger with Google stalking these people and staying stuck in the past is that you'll miss opportunities to make a successful and happy future....

[AdmiralBenson]

Why are you spending so much time on the computer? That seems unhealthy in itself! Turn off the wifi each evening and read a book. Seriously, you will thank yourself. Each time you google them you are fueling your own unhappiness.

I know plenty of women who have gone on to have great relationships after separation/divorce. And just read some of the boards here - you'll see loads of women talking about the same.

:)

[StopMeSnooping]

Yes that's a good idea actually Cogito, I could keep the computer in a different room that I never go into, so it would have to be a conscious decision to go and log on to snoop, rather than an 'I've been on mumsnet for four hours half and hour, I'll just see the latest on the 'ex and his happy new romance show' .

[Dalliard]

I agree that if you have a tendancy to obsessing (I do), replacing one thing with another could be a good plan. I can't remember who it was but I remember reading about a musician who said he'd replaced a bad drug habit with golf, having accepted he needed a habit of some kind. I'm not in any way trying to belittle addictions by saying that and I'm ready to be corrected if I've got that story wrong.

Maybe the trick is to shift your thinking, which is hard but achievable. Try making him in to something you would not want to hear about ever, under any circumstances. Make up some kind of story in your head that makes it vital you never think of him and then when you do think of him make yourself think of the awful scenario instead, visualise it, smell it etc. Keep doing it and eventually you won't want to think of him.

[StopMeSnooping]

Admiral you are dead right, just like cogito that I'm doing to much on line stuff. Unfortunately the most frequent area I read on here is 'relationships' forum, which is just generally full of stories of cheating or abusive men and just serves to make me feel even more cynical about the possibility of meeting a 'decent' man again.

Please tell me in obsessive detail about the women you know with great relationships? Were any of them in their early 40s with 3 young children by any chance

[StopMeSnooping]

I'm definitely a lot bit obsessive Dalliard. The annoying thing is that I rarely think about him / them, other than when I'm doing the on-line thing. Does that make sense? And of course because they are in the honeymoon period it is all happiness and joy with the added bonus of tons of photographs of their times together, so it kind of makes compulsive viewing! Whereas when I'm out and about or even just pottering around the house he no longer consumes my thoughts at all.

Am visualising poo rising up through the keyboard keys whenever I am viewing their facebook pages. Ewww. Good plan!

[marshmallowpies]

Willpower I'm afraid. My ex was on twitter & I was looking at it several times a day (especially when we were both at a mutual friends' wedding & I was snooping at all the rather snide comments he was making about the wedding to his 'cool' friends).

After that wedding I went cold turkey & took it one week at a time - didn't look for a week, 2 weeks, 1 month, etc - I left it about a year & when I finally looked he'd deactivated the account anyway. That's the only advice I can give, it's very tough but it worked for me!

[HepHep]

The habit is ingrained so you have to break it, like giving up smoking. It's going to be hard but it is possible. Removing yourself from triggers and things that remind you of indulging in the habit are essential. I am a very obsessive person but I managed to stop looking up my last ex online in November last year and haven't since, I've been much happier as a result. Did have a little wobble today when I caught sight of an old message from him in my facebook inbox (I was scrolling back without thinking) and another mad ranting one from his separated wife, but I just deleted them and managed to avoid searching to see what he's doing now.

The thing that helped me was to get away from the computer. I use it a lot but I have a rue that every time the thought pops into my head to check up on him, I immediately close the laptop and go and go something else. I get distracted, the urge passes, and I forget about him. I thought of him today idly at midday and it was the first time I'd thought of him today - it used to be as soon as I woke I'd have a second of forgetting and then the pain would hit me in the chest. A lot of days now I don't think of him at all, or I think 'tosser' cheerily and move on to other thoughts.

It does get easier with time. Dont give him space in your head. If I ever discuss him with anyone or have a moan, I get urges to check, so I just never discuss him anymore. If I have a thought of him I acknowledge it and then mentally change the subject.

And of course you can be happy again - it just depends on meeting someone who is right for you, and that's luck in most part. You have as good a chance as any, even with kids.

[HepHep]

Oh, and yes I took it one week at a time too when I went cold turkey. Weeks quickly became months :)

[Earlybird]

How long ago did you split?

[HepHep]

Everything BelieveInPink said, yes yes yes. That is everything I felt.

[EclecticShock]

Agree, cold turkey is the answer.

[catsrus]

I think it's sad that your feelings of self-worth seem so focused on being attached to a man to be honest :(

Those women you talk about, who have chosen not to get involved with men they don't think make the grade, are probably a lot happier, and not likely to be stalking their ex.

[StopMeSnooping]

Thanks all for your input. I know the cold turkey is the way forward. I'd actually managed about a month of not looking, but then slipped up one day, and of course you still then see everything that you'd avoided for the last month! I will just have to start trying again.

We split over a year ago, and I am 'over' it in many ways (although I see that by snooping I clearly still have ishooos). I absolutely don't want him back. It's not that my self-worth is to attached to being with a man at all castrus, almost the opposite, which is that I have very high self worth, demand very high standards, especially now with everything I've learned after the split, and it is those high standards that mean that I won't accept any old relationship just to 'have a man', and so I assume that I will be alone forever. This is a sad thought, I'm only in my early 40s and know it's infinitely preferable to be single on your own terms, rather than miserable but in a relationship. But I was with my ex for over 20 years, and on the whole had a good relationship until it went tits up at the end, so for someone who has had 20 odd years of being in a loving, supportive relationship it is a saddening thought that the most likely outcome is to be alone. The women I talk about certainly weren't spending every day crying, but all would have preferred to be in a loving, respectful relationship rather than being single because the available men were not worthy.

[StopMeSnooping]

Hephep it is like smoking, a weird compulsion that just comes over you, so I think I need to look at the snooping as an unpleasant habit that I need to break.

Believeinpink, I'd done so well and then had the crash which just sets you back at the beginning, because it's all still there to see. The internet is a bastard in many ways, because this stuff will always be there, so even if I didn't look for 10 years, I could still then slip up and look. Grrrr.

marshmallowpies, I would love the entire of facebook and twitter to be deactivated

[BelieveInPink]

Agree re the looking after a month...it's worse than looking daily because you get ALL that information and hurt at once and it makes it so much harder.

Good luck. :)