Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

men who got to prostitutes

(685 Posts)
jake42 Mon 21-May-12 12:26:29

Hello .
ive been reading all the threads on here about guys who visit escorts/ prostitutes/ whores etc , and i know im probably going to be called all sorts of names as its mainly a womans site, but i thought id write and tell my tale.

42 year old male , married for some 15 years, adore my wife and child and my family life . i want to get old with her .
just after our marriage one evening after sex ,whilst cuddling in bed , she says ive been thinking, we dont have to do sex, we love each other , lets live together like a brother and sister ! WTF im thinking, whats bought this on, nothing i could say or do would change her mind, we had sex very infrequently after , mainly to try for a baby. once said baby was born , she obviously was tired most of the time and eventually moved into the spare room blaming tiredness and my snoring (i do snore, but not that bad) . that was around 10 years ago and is still there now. We may of had sex 6 or 7 times since, im never allowed the pleasure of oral sex either way ,sex is always at my request, but always with the feeling that she just wants me to come and finish.
i adore her and cant imagine life without her, but the thought of no sex or hardly any doesnt appeal to me at all.
so after being knocked back one time too many i visited a site where Escort girls advertised and agreed to meet one .
i have been discreetly seeing different ones for around 5 years, always take every precaution and making sure my wife does not catch anything.
im basically between a rock and a hard place, i need to have sex , my wife doesnt, we love each other , i dont want to leave her , she , i assume doesnt want us to split up . but i cant imagine life for another 30 yrs with out sexual contact. i kind of figure that paying for it off a prostitute is better than having an affair, which as i love my wife would be out of the question.
i would be glad if anyone out there could perhaps in someway give me some advice . oh and im not a woman hater , i adore female company more than male .

weeonion Mon 21-May-12 12:28:23

not a woman hater????

jake42 Mon 21-May-12 12:32:15

no definately not, just a guy whos at the end of his tether !

sleeplessinsuburbia Mon 21-May-12 12:32:56

Does she know this? It could be preventing her from building any "bridges" and has cemented the roles you have established for yourselves.

Doesn't feel right at all, must be giving her very mixed messages.

AnyFucker Mon 21-May-12 12:34:03

Study leave has started in some areas of the country.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-May-12 12:34:13

It's not unreasonable to want a physical relationship with a woman but the honest thing to do would be to be up front about it. Living a secret double life and keeping your wife in the dark doesn't equate to a loving relationship.

sleeplessinsuburbia Mon 21-May-12 12:34:31

If I were you I'd try to build completely non sexual physical intimacy without even a hint of wanting more.

jake42 Mon 21-May-12 12:35:57

ive tried to talk to her, said i cant go with no sex, maybe we could just do it once a month, i even booked us a 4 poster in a posh hotel and was knocked back. if i didnt love her so much i dont think i could continue with the marriage

Malificence Mon 21-May-12 12:36:15

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FreudianSlipper Mon 21-May-12 12:37:14

have the guts to move on

weeonion Mon 21-May-12 12:37:14

maybe you should really look at why your wife doesnt want to have sex with you? Maybe you never explored fully what turns her on and gives her pleasure? Maybe you just didnt do it for her and thats why she was more comfortable in the other room?

Possibly a better idea would be to seek some support and counselling to work out why your wife is not sexually attracted to you than going to pay for sex. It sounds a bit like you think you are entitled to sex?

jake42 Mon 21-May-12 12:37:21

sleepless in surburbia : thats what we,ve go now, cuddle, hugs, chats, do stuff together, hold hands, she doesnt want sex !

jake42 Mon 21-May-12 12:41:23

i think the problem may be a strict catholic back ground, sex was considered "dirty" thinking back even from our early days , i dont think sex was enjoyable for her .

anyfuckersfanjo Mon 21-May-12 12:41:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

jake42 Mon 21-May-12 12:43:42

anyfuckersfanjo : read the post properly Please !

HypercriticalOaf Mon 21-May-12 12:44:22

To dispel a myth - you don't need sex.

Why didn't you seek your wife's views on you seeking extra marital sex, if that's what you wanted? Why choose deceit in preference of honesty confused regarding the trust of a woman you say you love?

LowFlyingBirds Mon 21-May-12 12:44:37

Your choice to stay in a sexless marriage. Suck it up.

As ithappens, i think your wife has no right to decide that your sexual life is over, she of course has every right to decide that hers is.

So your legitimate options , imo, are leave (i would). or inform her that you want to have sex, respect that she doesnt want it, and so will be seeking sex outside the marriage. Bt thats pretty fucked up isnt it? Yeah, id leave.

Its not ok though to sleep with people without her knowledge, and men who use prostitutes are deluded, exploitative pricks.

Just leave fgs.

weeonion Mon 21-May-12 12:47:14

your wife decided just after sex that she didnt want to do it again with you. maybe that should be your starting point to consider. Maybe you just werent all that great at it?

What kind of advice were you hoping from here?
Tips on how to 'persaude" your wife to do something with you that she doesnt to do?
tips on how to make sure your wife and family dont find out that you are involved in the sex industry?

HypercriticalOaf Mon 21-May-12 12:47:57

How much of your family's income do you squander on your hobby, btw?

LowFlyingBirds Mon 21-May-12 12:49:20

Weeonion -lots of women post on here, upset that their partners withhold sex, how upsetting it must be toreadcomments like yours.

daffydowndilly Mon 21-May-12 12:51:33

You are lying to her and cheating, and showing her zero respect. What would her reaction be if she knew what was going on, devastation and heartbreak most likely. Have a backbone and if you need sex that much tell her, leave and find someone who has the same needs as you. What would your reaction be if you found out she just didn't fancy you and was seeing escorts behind your back?

jake42 Mon 21-May-12 12:52:30

thanks for that lowflyingbirds it is .
i dearly love a sex life with my wife more than anything.

Abitwobblynow Mon 21-May-12 12:53:09

Come on, MN! We bitch and moan how men don't communicate - and when one does, well he is not communicating in the RIGHT way!

jake, whilst I do sympathise with you, you are really going about this the wrong way. Visiting a prostitute will not 'solve' your problem.

I bet that the woman you really want to be close with, is your beloved wife. I bet you long for that more than anything. Sex is so important, it is a way of bonding and expressing your feelings as well as pleasurable and a tension release.

Her not wanting sex is unfair and she is not fulfilling her promises to you. Her not wanting sex is a PROBLEM, and it is HER PROBLEM.

Please, stop with the prostitutes. Take a deep breath, write down what you want to say to her. Stop being ashamed of your need to make love and express closeness with your wife. It is normal, it is natural and it is wonderful.

Look for, and find, a counsellor who specialises in sexual dysfunction. Book her, and go off for a few sessions.

Then, after practising hard what you want to say, sit down with her when the kids are not there and tell her you need to talk. Tell her that whilst you love her very much you are very unhappy with your sex life, and that you do not want to go on with this. Tell her that you have arranged a counsellor, and that you want her and you to both go.

Now: here is the fallout. She may 1. scream 2. cry. 3. sulk. 4. accuse you of being an animal 4. not speak to you for days. 5. worse DO NOT BE PUT OFF BY THIS. Keep saying gently that you love her and that this is a problem and the counselling is at -- pm on --- day. And that you are going.

Be the leader here. Your counsellor WILL support you. Be prepared that you might find out awful things about her past, are you ready for that? Would you still love her if you found out that she had been abused and has terrible flashbacks/revulsion? Would you support her and reassure her through this?

Your love and care and leadership is what counts here. Not paid tension release however exciting and anonymous. Good luck.

weeonion Mon 21-May-12 12:55:04

lowflyingbirds - i havent seen all that many women coming on and asking for advice on being a customer of the sex industry?

Abitwobblynow Mon 21-May-12 12:55:58

I am afraid the Catholic church has a lot to answer for where sex is concerned.

I really hope your wife has the courage to confront the damage and the shame.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now