Walk away or make it work?

[saritabear]

Hi,
am looking for some advice from people in the same situation as me - maybe currently or have been there before and can let me know how it worked for them.

Quick background - am 38, married, 2 kids aged 9 and 7. Currently living in NZ with DH. We moved here just over a year ago to have a "looksee" and try out the lifestyle for ourselves. Upshot is he loves it and I don't. (I would move back tomorrow. I'm coming back to the UK for a visit next month) Thrown into the marital mix is the problem that I've discovered that I don't love him, I do care for him deeply - we have been together 16 years. It was a complete lightbulb moment. I have spent our whole relationship trying to be more this or do more of that so that he would love me more and show me affection and make me feel appreciated (I get none of this). My bulb moment was realising that whatever I did he would never change, sad how its taken so long....

Now, I feel completely and utterly torn and physically ill with the worry and stress. I could stay with a man who is a good dad, who looks after us reasonably well but with whom I will never feel fulfilled. He has moments after we've talked about how he is but he always reverts to form. He loves me and cares for us all and other than the aforementioned is generally a good bloke. He can be selfish but aren't we all sometimes?

On the other hand I could go back to live in the UK (my family desperately want me to - they don't think he's good enough for me, some past indisrections on his part) rip out his heart, upset the kids go through the whole upheaval of the move back across the world and would I be any happier? I would be where I want to be but is that enough? Is it ok to be selfish or should we always put the kids first? When the kids are grown up and gone what will we have left? I think if I was a harder character it may be easier to decide.

We have talked about it already and he obviously wants me to stay but only if I feel that I love him. He said he would be heartbroken but wouldn't want to spend the rest of his life with someone who didn't want to be with him.

So, do I say "balls, I'm gonna stay and hack it out" or "my life is for me too, I'm gonna go'...................?

[saritabear]

We've talked about the kids thing already and he said obviously he'd want them to stay here but if it went to court he thinks I'd get custody anyway so he wouldn't contest the issue.

[izzyizin]

What does he love about life in NZ, what do you loathe about it, and what do the dc think of it?

[saritabear]

He loves the walking, fishing, camping and outdoor stuff. I don't like the driving, the bugs, the remoteness of the country, the lack of history - it's all a bit rough and ready for me and I feel like I'm at the end of a cul-de-sac, cut off from everyone and everywhere I want to go. The dc would be happy in either place. They would love to be with their cousins and aunties and uncles but I know they'd miss their dad too. He has quite a good job though so could arrange for long visits in the holidays I guess.

[gettingeasier]

Well I dont think the living in NZ part will get any better , I know a couple of good friends in this situation who hoped they would grow to love where they are but they havent.

I was the the one in my marriage doing what you describe. I cant begin to tell you how freeing and just all round wonderful it is to now focus on my DC and own happiness and being the real me.

I would come home to the UK now . Done with thought and effort from both parties whilst divorce is very painful it doesnt spell the end of happiness for your DC - I thought that but my DC are fine. Your DH sounds like he will have some consolation of loving NZ and anyway he could return to the UK as well ?

[daffydowndilly]

From what I have read, you moved out there on a temporary basis (looksee) and to then make a family decision on what to do. You hate it, he loves it - so you are thinking of staying out of obligation and guilt, and he is putting pressure on you to stay. That is not a family or joint decision. Who was the driving force for going out there to start with? You need to make a decision about what you want. You can think about the kids. But you should not feel an obligation to fulfill his dreams. You need to map out what your hopes and dreams are. Do you want a job, independence, to see family, friends, where can you make a happy life for yourself. And you risk making 'the wrong choice' but better to have made a decision than be a doormat and let others do it for you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's had 'past indiscretions', you've moved half-way around the world for a 'look-see' and still you feel you have to modify your behaviour in an effort for him to love you?.... I think you've spent too long ignoring your own feelings in an effort to keep this man happy. It would not be selfish in the slightest to put yourself and your children #1 priority now and get back to the UK

[Smum99]

I think you need to break down the issues - being unhappy with the move is one issue and that is understandably. You shouldn't stay there if it isn't right for you but you have at least tried. A lot of families try to relocate or move countries every few years so it's not that uncommon. The dc's are at an age where they can settle back on the UK. I know friends who couldn't settle in NZ, they believe that whilst the outdoor lifestyle is good for young dc's it's doesn't it offer the opportunities when they are older (education, jobs, careers) as it's a relatively small economy.

Then the decision is does your H return as well. That's his decision and I would hope that he puts his children first, rather than his lifestyle. Maybe your relationship would work better if you were happier? Don't underestimate the impact that the move will have had on your relationship. If you feel unsettled and he isn't supportive (as he can't relate to your feelings as he loves NZ) then it will be driving a big wedge between you two.

take it in steps - plan the return and then see if he will put his family first.

[lemmingcurd]

I could've written most of your post... I am pretty much where you are now and have been for over 10 years now. 3 kids and two near-separations later we are now going back to the UK as soon as it is financially viable. I don't feel selfish I just feel sorry I didn't insist on this earlier. You need to be in a place where you feel comfortable so you can make your children feel comfortable, iyswim.

will try and post later as I'm in a rush atm

[saritabear]

Thanks so much for all the replies. Its nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this and that people have done the same and survived. I'm sitting at work trying not to cry partly with relief at getting it all out and from the support I feel you guys are giving me. I think that coming from a big family has meant that I am fairly insecure and constantly seeking affection and reassurance and even now I see that I am looking for reasons to stay and not to upset him. Silly isn't it.

[henrysmama2012]

You only have one life-you'll never reach your potential, be your truly happy, fulfilled self (which is best for your kids), or meet the love of your life if you stay in the wrong city with the wrong guy. When you look back at your life, old & grey, would you think 'wow,I am glad I stayed with this guy in NZ' or would staying be a big regret?