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Aspergers Hubbies - is there an opposite condition?

(111 Posts)

Have a lovely husband. Really, a lovely man. Everything I suck at, he's great at, and vice versa - we should have the happiest marriage because we complement each other perfectly...

...only, he's sooooo Aspie it's astonishing - and I am, well, the opposite.

It's all come to a head (after ten years and three kids) and I started looking into separating, the lack of affection and refusal to compromise has worn me down, and I gave up trying. But, by Jove, that did the trick!!!

So, now, he's actually listened to me, to what I need and how I'd like it if we were a team. We sat and talked for an hour, instead of him going and buying compost, which is what he wanted to do. Seriously, that's a first! He said he loves me, that he wants me and he will do anything to sort it out - he's genuinely not realised how unhappy I have been. Which is remarkable symptomatic.

I persuaded him to take the AQ test - he scored 37, anything above 32 suggests aspie tendancies. Average score is 16. He challenged me to take the same test - my test result is 4.

So, he's one end of the spectrum, and I am the other. He says that is a disorder just like aspergers, only sregrepsa...

It'd be bloody marvellous if there is a "label" for being opposite of aspie, he'd really understand that!

Anyone heard of anything as bonkers like being TOO empathetic?

Am chuffed to bits, I really love the eejit man.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Wed 14-Nov-12 21:00:58

flamin I'd be amazed if a non Aspergers Swede didn't score quite highly. Not dismissing it at all, but it's quite a blunt tool.

Tis true though. There has been proper peer reviewed research into it's accuracy. I read the paper years ago (when I was being assessed) and was surprised as I thought it was quite simplistic for such a complex condition. The research found it was almost 100% accurate for teens but lessen off to 97% in adults.

gussiegrips Wed 14-Nov-12 21:46:35

Am loving that this thread's been resurrected!

I do understand that ASDs are a vast, ehm, spectrum - but I think it's really helpful to see that so many relationships are surviving with one high and one low on the AQ.

It's heartening because, clearly, there are qualities associated with AS that are really positive in long term relationships.

It's nice to read about them, instead of the grind of complaints and difficulties that the literature shows.

It's not easy - but, NT/NT doesn't seem to be either (for evidence of this, please see relationship boards...)

We're all a wee bit wonky.

helpyourself Wed 14-Nov-12 22:02:29

flamin that's impressive!

gladiolus Wed 14-Nov-12 22:39:45

My marriage was not helped by my dx of Aspergers at all. According to my 'd'h it just meant I had an excuse to stop trying, and blame all my many faults on my AS.

Things he has said to me include recent gems of "You could be normal if you tried. You just can't be bothered." and "Why can't you just be f***ing normal?" and "I thought I was marrying a normal person!"

He refuses to read up about it or try to understand it at all.

neverputasockinatoaster Wed 14-Nov-12 22:54:35

On the AQ test I score 27.

On the other I score: Aspergers 74/200
Neurotypical 134/200

DH is an (undiagnosed officially) aspie. I can't rememebr what he scored on the test but it was high.
DS has just been diagnosed as Aspie.

DH is marvellous. I will admit that there have been times when I've felt a bit lonely but mostly he's amazing.
My Dad also has many many aspie traits. My mum doesn't 'speak aspie' (as Tony Attwood says) but I suspect I do.

I was suprised at my AQ score I think. I thought it would be lower than that. However I do do a good line in shutting down when stressed.

gussiegrips Wed 14-Nov-12 23:13:50

Gladiolus - I am sorry that your dx has not been helpful.

The fact is, you can be AS and a bit of a dick, or you can be NT and a bit of a dick.

I am saying that your DH is being a bit of a dick. Those sorts of comments must be very difficult, and hurtful for you.

Is it possible that he's on the spectrum?

gladiolus Thu 15-Nov-12 07:01:11

He's not on the spectrum. He did the tests and came out NT. But he does have issues of his own, and yes he can be a bit of a dick smile

tinkertitonk Thu 15-Nov-12 11:46:27

42 here. Beat that.

And I wasn't even trying.

NettleTea Thu 15-Nov-12 12:29:51

I got 18 on the AQ, and 77 on the other one (with a 142 for NT)
I think I need DP to take a look, as when I put what I THOUGHT he might put, from many years experience! I got 38 on the first one. but of course he really needs to do it himself.
have my suspicions about DS too, especially as he reminds dp alot of how he was as a boy

gussiegrips Thu 15-Nov-12 20:24:02

Gladiolus - it's a common side effect of being born with a Y chromosome. Bless their cottons.

Joanna112 Sun 27-Oct-13 13:58:44

This is exactly why I feel the need to set up a 'one stop shop' resource/site for us NT partners. I am the same - completely opposite ends of the spectrum to my AS partner, and I desperately need all the input of social life, sharing, sense of humour etc. We need to connect with others like us!

Whilst I love my husband, I also know it's highly unlikely I'll get all this 'other stuff' at home. The website is my plan to provide that 'other stuff' for us all smile I want it to provide information, support, recommended reading, qualified (AS) counsellors, forums for conversation - possibly even a sign up that gives geographic location so that people can set up/join support any local groups.

I want this new website to be up and working as soon as possible. If you/anyone is interested in helping design the site or have any comments about what should go on it - and what shouldn't - let me know!

Diagnosis saved my marriage. I'm going to write about this in a post on the new site once it's up and running.

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