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Aspergers Hubbies - is there an opposite condition?

(111 Posts)

Have a lovely husband. Really, a lovely man. Everything I suck at, he's great at, and vice versa - we should have the happiest marriage because we complement each other perfectly...

...only, he's sooooo Aspie it's astonishing - and I am, well, the opposite.

It's all come to a head (after ten years and three kids) and I started looking into separating, the lack of affection and refusal to compromise has worn me down, and I gave up trying. But, by Jove, that did the trick!!!

So, now, he's actually listened to me, to what I need and how I'd like it if we were a team. We sat and talked for an hour, instead of him going and buying compost, which is what he wanted to do. Seriously, that's a first! He said he loves me, that he wants me and he will do anything to sort it out - he's genuinely not realised how unhappy I have been. Which is remarkable symptomatic.

I persuaded him to take the AQ test - he scored 37, anything above 32 suggests aspie tendancies. Average score is 16. He challenged me to take the same test - my test result is 4.

So, he's one end of the spectrum, and I am the other. He says that is a disorder just like aspergers, only sregrepsa...

It'd be bloody marvellous if there is a "label" for being opposite of aspie, he'd really understand that!

Anyone heard of anything as bonkers like being TOO empathetic?

Am chuffed to bits, I really love the eejit man.

gladiolus Sat 26-May-12 15:46:32

"I got 5, but you know how the answers will determine you so it's a bit daft - easy to rig."

Surely the whole point is to answer the questions correctly. What is the point of doing the test if you deliberately skew the results?

interestingly, when I told my MIL about our results she suggested that I must have lied to skew the results!

She's so totally on the scale too....

And, yes, cheapskate, it was his uncle that passed away. It is apparently embarrassing to weep if you are widowed - better to be proud of yourself by staying strong.

Fair enough. Not possible for us Seipsa's...

I scored 7 and suffer from anxiety disorder which has probably skewed the results.

mrsallright Mon 13-Aug-12 00:38:24

I have found this conversation really helpful, my DH and I met with our son's speech and language therapist last week and since she mentioned he might be on the spectrum, we've both been looking at each other through new lens and analysing ourselves (At least I have!) He doesn't seem too phased! I've done the test and will try and persuade him to as I scored 8.. Both DS And DH very caring loving men, who regularly kiss and cuddle each other, and DH is a stay at home dad with strong emphasis on routine! They both seem like martians at times, and since my DD came along I am quite relieved that there is more balance in the house, but would never admit it to anyone! It's all a bit scary as our DS is only 3.5 so probalby won't know what flavour he is for a while, but it's really been helpful to have the speech therapy and learn new coping strategies.

MoelFammau Wed 14-Nov-12 00:59:56

I scored 9, my DH 33.

I have to admit though that I'm not the leaky-eyed type. More erratically gung-ho / let's pack up and live in a another country type, I guess. It must freak out DH no end.

Been together 5 years and it's been so so tough. Only realised the Aspie thing last week though. Oddly I feel that this is something that could rescue things. Knowing he's not insensitive on purpose.

gussiegrips Wed 14-Nov-12 01:13:28

Yep, it really helps. Having a reason to forgive them makes marriage much easier.

There are upsides to it - like him being superorganised soI don't have to and him being utterly faithful because it wouldn't occur to him to have an affair. Because he's married.

But, it can be no fun at all!

tryingsoonflying Wed 14-Nov-12 01:17:55

Me, 16. OH 38.

SantasStrapOn Wed 14-Nov-12 01:44:08

Katie I got 23, I think my results were skewed by my problems too. If I think back to how I used to be, I was incredibly gregarious, loved going out and being with people. I've never been any good at 'reading' people though, but I think in my case it's because of my upbringing, I think I probably shut down and gave up at an early age because my parents are so manipulative. Pointless trying to read someone like that, they like to keep you second guessing.

CaliforniaLeaving Wed 14-Nov-12 02:14:59

I scored an 8 and I'm going to get Dh to go it when he gets in. I've always thought he may well be on the spectrum, super smart but genuinely has no clue on so many things. He's even told me to just tell him straight it doesn't hurt his feelings, it makes him aware of what I need.

CaliforniaLeaving Wed 14-Nov-12 15:45:45

Dh finally took it, he got 33. Makes a lot of sense.
He's the most faithful man ever, doesn't even look at other women cause he's already married. Loves his routines and hobbies. I socialized with the kids and left him home and he was happy with that for the last 25 years. It actually makes me feel better knowing I was right not to pressure him into being something he's obviously not and never will be. Still love him to bits even if he never parties with me.

B1ueberryMuff1n Wed 14-Nov-12 15:51:38

Is that from the Simon Baron Cohen book? Did you read about the broader autism phenotype. That really interested me, his idea that there is a category that wouldn't receive an official diagnosis but who share as many traits with people with aspergers as they do with people without it. Their scores would be in the 20s. I think my family has a few members who have 'the broader autism phenotype'.

lisad123 Wed 14-Nov-12 16:01:07

I'm not telling dh score, but will say both our DDs have autism.
I am very sociable and very good at it. One thing to say, dh loves being with people, but isn't great at it grin
He never gets the social cues of being a dh. Last night I was playing badminton, I said can you run me a bath at 10.30pm so I can just climb in straight away. I got home earlier than 10.30pm so he didn't run me a bath. He never considered it might still be nice to do that for me. He assumes everything that is routine will always be routine, so I cook dinner,no clean the house, I get the kids dressed ect. It drives me mad.
I have tried all sorts but sort of given up trying now blush
He is a wonderful man, loves me no matter what and is a great dad.

SantasStrapOn Wed 14-Nov-12 16:02:25

I think it's pretty easy for the results to be skewed if you have other problems. I'd answer strong yes to anything involving not wanting to do something sociable, or involving teamwork, reading people. Not because I have Aspergers traits, because I have an intense mistrust of people.

B1ueberryMuff1n Wed 14-Nov-12 16:06:26

Thta sounds a bit like my brother lisad. i remember once we agreed to meet at such and such a place at 3. i bumped into him by chance at two 45 but he was gravitating towards the meeting place, cos we'd said we'd both be there at three. i told my parents and they were laughing. he got cross!

AnyFucker Wed 14-Nov-12 16:12:47

I scored a bang-on average 15

Damn that normative shit !

lisad123 Wed 14-Nov-12 16:20:06

That's the thing with ASD, everyone is different and most people can get by without a dx and are fine. My dh holds down a fulltime job, drives, has friends, married with two kids and sports that he enjoys. The only time I would ever recommend a dx is if its going to help in some way and your Asd is so bad it effects every day of your life and its impossible to function.
My dh knows he is likely on the spectrum, he gets so wound up by himself but we do just fine.

helpyourself Wed 14-Nov-12 16:37:01

I scored 4. Not surprising, but I wonder how 'culturally blind' that test is. And whether a shy non autistic person would score highly?
I certainly realised that I was unsuited to teaching because I 'over empathise' I now work mainly 1:1, I still do some training, but just couldn't cope with the stress of identifying with each and every one of a class of 30+.

closethefridgedoor Wed 14-Nov-12 16:53:47

I scored 42 and I was diagnosed with ASD last year. My dx was on the NHS, but I've been in the system for years due to MH problems (due to unrecognised ASD). I think it's much harder to get referred if you're working, have functional relationships etc, as it's clear your needs are much lesser than someone like me. The ASD has affected my ability to work, maintain a home and relationships. I rarely cry - actually I don't think I have for at least six years, and we've had two family deaths within that time.

DH scored 10, although I'd still put him as somewhere on the spectrum personally - he's very high functioning, works in IT, but doesn't socialise and is not really communicative. He's very intelligent though, and appears to be sociable but I see it as learned, not instinctive behaviour. That works very well with me, we are quite an insular couple! And we don't spend ours talking through stuff that is supposed to happen in 'good' relationships, don't phone/text through the working day or when we go abroad or anything. Neither of us see the need for it.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Wed 14-Nov-12 18:16:45

helpyourself research into the AQ test show it is accurate in all but 3% of cases.

MoelFammau Wed 14-Nov-12 18:49:31

The reason I took it with DH is that we're having serious relationship issues and - call me slow - I'd never thought of DH having Aspergers. I just found him intensely annoying. His obsessions, his pedantic nitpicking, his failure to understand why I'm upset... Knowing this does give me more patience and the knowledge to not take it personally. Hard though it is!

helpyourself Wed 14-Nov-12 19:07:34

flamin I'd be amazed if a non Aspergers Swede didn't score quite highly. Not dismissing it at all, but it's quite a blunt tool.

I got 48 on the AQ test, and 135 on the other one.

I did the AQ one a few weeks ago and told my DH - as soon as he started reading up so many things about me suddenly made sense to him.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Wed 14-Nov-12 19:24:46

I got 30 and DP got 31 when we did this. Sparking a hilarious conversation in which we established that no, it probably wasn't neurotypical to automatically memorize all car number plates.

I scored 19. Fascinating. I think I'm just like NadiaWadia and scored a bit higher because I'm shy and not great and small talk with people. Certainly don't think of it as lack of empathy or inability to perceive people's emotions - if anything it's the opposite, I'm nervous of being boring/accidentally offending someone etc so tend to get a bit squeaky and tense and so don't always make great chat!

HeathRobinson Wed 14-Nov-12 20:28:06

I got 32 on the test.

gladiolus - 'Certainly, if I get bad news, my first response is to go very very quiet. I am internally analysing my feelings. It's almost as if I'm thinking, "Okay, how should I be reacting to this?"'

That is exactly how I think if there is bad news about an elderly relative, for example.

So weird that it's not just me.

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