DP just walked out on us.

[revolutionconfirmed]

DP walked out on us about an hour ago. We've been together 3 years. He took on my eldest DD who's 4 next month and we have a 17 month old DD together. We've had our ups and downs but were mainly happy and I'm 100% sure there is nobody else as he has no phone, rarely uses the internet and since he doesn't work only goes out one day from 8am to 4pm for his part time college course. I'm unemployed with bi polar and fibromyalgia and while have issues am trying to even them out with medication.

The row started today over money. We're on a tight budget being unemployed and our last £20 was supposed to be spent on emergencies only. He went out and bought crisps, pasties, doughnuts and crap equating to £10. I tried to explain that we didn't need it but he said it was for us. He knows I'm on a diet and a strict budget but it didn't matter to him. He stormed into the other room and ignored me. I tried to explain again and he said he didn't want to deal with my pain or issues anymore and I can fuck off. That's when he pushed me out of the way and sodded off. When he earns the money that keeps us, him amd his son on the weekends je can choose how it's spent.

He holds it over my head that I don't love his son. I accept him, treat him as my own but I don't love him and DP can't understand why if he took on my daughter and adopted her etc. I can't explain it but I can't help how I feel. If DP wanted him here full time I'd have him.in an.instant. He's unrealistic too. He doesn't work and hasn't properly in two years due to one day of college a week. After the nextyear of his electrical course he wants to go to university fir three years full time. He doesn't seem to care that he has three children to support. He's t6 years old so not a boy!

I don't know if he'll come back. The children are distraught with the shouting, I took £10 out of my savings to buy cigarettes which ruined 13 days of quitting and I don't know what to do. I'm really just trying to get advice and make it to the children's bed time without breaking down.

[revolutionconfirmed]

26 years old, not t6.

[TiaMariaandDietCoke]

Sorry this is happening Revolution. The cigarettes won't help, but don't beat yourself up for one slip up.

I assume there's a lot more background to to the situation, as from what you've written here, it sounds more like your DP has gone out to clear his head/calm down, rather than actually having left iyswim? I hope he's back soon, so you know where your DD is, and so you can talk to him

[revolutionconfirmed]

DD's are both here with me and will be going to bed soon. I thought I out it up there that he specifically said that it was over but it seems I didn't. I guess I'm just frantic right now. He has to come at some point to get his clothes if he's really leaving.

There is a backstory in the fact that he hates my illness. He hates that he's the main parent because sometimes I'm too fatigued to wake up at 6am. He hates the insomnia, the pain, the fatigue, the panic attacks, the mood swings - all the things he can't control and neither can I. I'm getting help with a CPN, psychiatrist, GP and medication, I'm appealing a DLA decision etc but it's not good enough. He resents me for being young and ill. I resent myself but accept my lot, do what I can to help myself and him look after the kids and until six months ago I was working to provide the income but we now rely solely on my ESA and tax credits as he quit his job in a kitchen that lasted a month as I was getting so bad in the nights. He's eligable for JSA but has told them he won't quit his course which means he voluntarily doesn't meet their criteria.

I just don't know what to do. We've had arguments where he's stormed off and come back but not where he's actually said he's leaving us.

[TiaMariaandDietCoke]

:( I'm sorry, but I have no advice for you, but am here to hold your hand and listen if it'll help. Do you have any friends or family who you can call or who can come over?

And I resent myself - don't. you are unwell, and that's no-one's fault. I totally understand you both resenting the symptoms and everything that goes with them at times (who wouldn't?), but neither of you shoud resent you for an illness you can do nothing about [hugs]

[Seabright]

He doesn't sound like someone who sticks at anything. He's left one child already, left his job and isn't looking for another one, even part time to fit around his course.

Don't beat yourself up over the smoking, try again tomorrow. And see if you are entitled to any extra financial help.

[revolutionconfirmed]

I keep telling myself "Oh, it's only 7pm - he's probably waiting for the children to go to sleep before coming home". No doubt it will play out like this every hour he isn't home until I get it into my head that he isn't coming home. I want him to. So much.

No, I have no family or friends who aren't working or too far away. Right now I don't want to tell my family as I don't know what's going on. I don't even want to say it out loud yet. Online I am anonymous-ish and I can talk about this without people I know judging me or talking about my current really shitty situation. I know lots of women here are going through a similar thing/have been through it and come out the other side.

Hand holding is brilliant.

[TiaMariaandDietCoke]

(trying to see it from the other side) - You've said that due to your illness he's doing the majority of the parenting - could he work part time? What I mean is, is it laziness, or is he genuinely needed at home for you and the DCs? If he is needed to help you at home, he may be able to get a carer's allowance which could help financially - although that may all be tied in with the DLA decision. If it's laziness, then he seriously needs to buck his ideas up and start sticking at things like a grown up - starting with earning to support himself and his family!

[bitbewildered]

i remember you from the quitting smoking thread. Poor you. I don't have any advice either, but wanted to just try to give you some moral support.

[revolutionconfirmed]

It's a mixture of both. He could work part time but he would need to find a part time job that doesn't require him to work on his college day and where he could still see his son on the weekends. He can't get carers allowance until I am granted DLA and at the moment I don't have a tribunal date (it has gone to court though).

It irritates me as he started this course after we'd got together. He said he'd always wanted to be an electrician, that it was a trade rather than just a job, that he'd always be able to find work once he was qualified etc. Great! So the first year was free, he passed and all was well. In the second year (the year he is currently finishing) he needed to find an apprenticeship which he didn't find. He said he tried but he wasn't exactly blowing up the yellow pages looking for all independent and bigger businesses. Because he doesn't have a job in the trade at the end of the third year while he will be a qualified electrician he'll only hold part of it because he has no physical experience of the job. He has a year to find a job as an electrician's mate or an apprenticeship. After the last year I'm not holding my breath. This year is costing £700 which he gets no help with and so I'll be expected to pay. The only reason he could afford last year's £200 was because he got an unexpected tax rebate and £200 from his nan! After all of this he then wants to go to university for three years to do electrical drawing or something. I mean, it really does make no sense. Spend six years on a career that you have no actual experience in for jobs that are few and far between. He'll be 30 before he works full time with three children to support and I'm just expected to smile and be happy that he's bettering himself while I'm trying to get better just to work for minimum wage full time and be able to pay off the bills!

Sorry, rant there. I'm between devastation and anger right now.

[Lueji]

He is a knob, obviously.

However, why on earth did you take £10 out of your savings to spend on cigarettes?

You did argue with him because he spent £10 of your last £20 on crisps, and now you go out of your way to buy cigarettes?
Surely that's even less healthy than the crisps.

I hope he does come back and you manage to talk properly and sort things out.

It is difficult to come to terms with fibromyalgia, particularly for those around. Perhaps he does need some help and possibly counselling too?

[revolutionconfirmed]

I was angry and thought I could put it back. It was a really stupid thing to do and I'll regret it next week when I'm scrimping and saving on everything I can. I'll not be buying more cigarettes though so that's a plus point.

I have my first driving lesson Monday evening which, if he doesn't come back, I'll have to arrange childcare for. That will take a chunk out of my savings too as I have no family around to look after the children so will definitely have to pay someone to sit with them during dinner until I come back for bed time. The savings is the £60 I put away per week to be able to afford the emergency overdraft monthly pay back and rent. I should be okay to put the £10 back but it's not something I can dip into and put back whenever I like, iyswim.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I have been following your other thread OP, and thought you were doing brilliantly. On this thread, stepping back from all the emotions involved and just 'following the money' -

He got together with you when you were working and he was working. By the time a year was out, he had begun this college course, which takes one day a week and he refused to look for a part-time job for the other four days. Your DD2 is 17 months, so am I right in thinking that you were pregnant and therefore securely bound to him by the time he did this? Over the next two years, the situation has been "I support him and I've bought all the tobacco knowing that we couldn't afford it for two years. Now it's come to a head and I've decided we have to stop for various reasons and he's yelling about it. " [from your previous thread on quitting smoking], But "until six months ago I was working to provide the income but we now rely solely on my ESA and tax credits" .

Honestly, I think this is less to do with your medical conditions and more to do with finances. He has been living off you for two years, and now your finances can't meet this drain any more. So he's off.

It's shitty of him to blame your conditions, please do not be fooled that they are the reason.

[revolutionconfirmed]

I was pregnant in theMarch and he started his course in the September so, yes, that's right. Although I had the conditions then they didn't really flare and cause a huge problem until the pregnancy and afterwards.

It seems like I now have to start again. The house I live in is rented from DP's uncle and we're settled, very close to a good school that DD1 has been accepted in to for September etc so I'm hoping he'll be professional about this. I'm only 23 and I feel like I have to learn to not only be a single mum but also to rely solely on myself for their well being.

[revolutionconfirmed]

If I ignore it and he gets his things and leaves, what then? Should I just let him go or try and talk to him about access to the children etc?

[ThatVikRinA22]

it sounds like you are both under enormous pressure to be honest - it doesnt sound a particularly easy situation for either of you.

sounds like finances are a problem
you cannot agree on his work vs education
you have issues around parenting
issues around your illnesses
issues around his other children

that is a lot for both of you to deal with, and at the moment, it sounds like you are not managing to communicate without it descending into arguments - but to be honest - how can you moan about him spending a tenner on food treats when you spent the same on cigarettes?

i think you have to start to compromise and see things from his point of view - he sounds like he is trying to work toward a job that he thinks will pay and will be happy in - while i can see your argument of get a job, any job, to pay the bills, i can also see it from his pov, and if he is feeling resentful then it festers and that is no good for anyone.

you both need to sit down and talk and you also need to listen to him.
He could feel quite resentful of you if you dont work (i understand why btw - its not a dig) and he is trying to train to get a job that pays, if he does most of the childcare because you cant due to your illness, if he is struggling for money, but its ok for you to spend money on cigarettes, he could see this as double standards, and then add to that that you admit you cannot love his son.

no wonder you are arguing.

[revolutionconfirmed]

He hasn't come home or contacted me. There's only two places he could feasibly be if he has decided to spend the night elsewhere so should I just leave him to it?

[ThatVikRinA22]

i would for tonight. Try to contact when you both have had a bit of time to calm down.

It would be a good time to think about what you want to happen with the relationship.

[revolutionconfirmed]

I know what I want. I wasn't the one who walked out on my family.

[ThatVikRinA22]

do you think he has walked out for good or just gone to either try and prove a point, or just to calm down?

you need an honest appraisal of what he does for you and the family, and what you do for him and the family.
what do you both want? you need to talk.
you cannot set standards for him that you cannot meet yourself - so its no good getting cross at him for spending £10 on what you think is crap when you then go and spend £10 on cigarettes - i know you were under pressure but im sure he feels it too, the situation sounds very stressful for you both.

could you maybe get someone to have the kids for a few hours and go somewhere neutral, for a talk? or just go for a walk together, change the scenery, and talk?

It sounds to me like he has not gone for good, but just to clear his head and calm down.

[revolutionconfirmed]

I don't know. He sounded like he meant it. I feel like he meant it. The other times he'd have walked off he would have been back to see the girls before bed but he didn't bother tonight.

He needs to see me sometime soon to see about getting his clothes as he only has the ones on his back. I'm not sure if he'll let himself in and take them when I take my daughter to nursery tomorrow though and be back before I'm home.

That's the thing, I got cross at him for the £10 when he was still here. I didn't buy the cigarettes until he'd said he was leaving us. It doesn't give me the moral high ground but I had a right to be upset at that time, I was stupid later on.

[revolutionconfirmed]

We couldn't afford to smoke and pay the bills so we quit almost two weeks ago and saved as much as we could (£60) to pay the bills at the end of the month. I bought a packet of cigarettes today after he left but I won't be buying any more as I quit for 13 days, I can do it again. We couldn't afford to smoke and save £60 at the same time.

Neither of us have a lifestyle. We pay the bills, he goes to college but that's it. We smoked but didn't go out, didn't see friends outside of our or their homes, didn't order takeaways, didn't have cable TV, car, mobile phones on contract etc. We have phone & broadband and that's it. Now we don't smoke I have a tiny bit of extra money that my grandfather is helping with to pay toward driving lessons and the rest goes on bills. We're still lucky if we have £20 a week left over.

[revolutionconfirmed]

I can't sleep. I'm taking his side of the bed as it feels more familiar. I've got a headache from too many tears and I don't know how I'm going to do this on my own.

[garlicfucker]

I feel very, very sorry for you my love. I'd be delighted for you if he turns up tomorrow with flowers, chocolate and nurofen for you, saying he realises what a diamond you are and he's got himself a job that pays.

But I want you to read Izzy's post again and see that she is right.

Some people are shits.