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Startingagain trying to move forward, without nightmare EXP

(783 Posts)
startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 14:46:41

New thread for my ongoing journey of trying to detached from my nightmare, exp while trying to hold on to my sanity sad

Old thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

meredeux Tue 15-May-12 14:49:33

I really, reeeeaaaaally, REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY, think you should change your phone numbers now because he'll be back to mess with your head some more unless you make it impossible for him.

I am sorry for what you are going through because he really is adding insult to injury now. For your sake find a holiday, preferably one leaving tomorrow and get away (without telling him your plans).

(Glad you are now firmly calling him "Nightmare EXP" BTW!)

sadwidow28 Tue 15-May-12 14:55:59

Well, I have lurked on your thread since the beginning. I was a bit concerned about you the other day - GATEWATCH and then LUNCHGATE.

I am so glad that you appear to be so focussed on the NEW you that you are able to read exP like a book now. Of course it is your own life and you must make the decisions but I have to admit to saying an audible "Phew" when you logged in today and confirmed that he was not back in the house and back in your bed.

Now "onwards and upwards" is the mantra.

MaBumble Tue 15-May-12 15:14:30

So relieved for you Starting. And yes to everything you said in your last post on the other thread.
Also agree re changing your numbers. You will never have to worry about him calling and sending you off in a spin when you least expect it.

KirstyWirsty Tue 15-May-12 15:18:21

Hi Starting I am so glad you are ok (well sort of!)

I know you feel sorry for the man you once loved and don't want to see him in a bad way .. but he is no longer that man!!!

He lied and cheated, called you names, hurt you terribly and isolated you from other people

You can do so much better - you are lovely!! And your life was on the up and up before he reappeared ..

xxxxx

PooPooInMyToes Tue 15-May-12 15:21:02

I was so worried for you! I agree get away. Stay with your brother?

Gatewatch and Lunchgate made me laugh sadwidow.

KirstyWirsty Tue 15-May-12 15:28:32

PS The way he is trying to force you into an immediate decision is a BIG RED FLAG

xxx

Thermalsocks Tue 15-May-12 15:36:05

Wow Starting you have filled up another thread. A lot of people care about you.

Me too, was so relieved when your new thread title popped up.

Well he couldn't really have said anything better could he? don't bother then
Jeez, says it all really and I hope it's made you feel slightly better about your decision.

You are not back at Square One because you have achieved so much in the last few weeks.
You won't regret this decision. Well done you! x

Thermalsocks Tue 15-May-12 15:40:12

Don't be surprised if he comes back with a better offer.

He'll realise that approach failed but he always has a knack of adapting and trying a different way of getting through your defences.

He knows you are weakened and wounded so will try the more patient approach next.

Beware!

RachyRach30 Tue 15-May-12 15:46:05

Just tried to write a message on yor other thread and when I went to press send it didn't! Heck

Well to sum it up, he doesn't care what you want just what his needs are. Do you want to go back to being his mother until he finds a replacement?
Find a nice man to have your babies. I know you feel times ticking on but throw kids into the mix and you have a disaster on your hands, possibly leading to being a single mum. I dont think that is what you want.

You need to carry on your journey of finding yourself and what your needs are. You can't possibly do that with him in the mix. You will go back to losing yourself until he finds someone new.

Find a job, friends etc, make a life for you then see how you feel.

It will test him if you say right now your not ready for a relationship, say you might consider being friends in the future and just see him get Angry because he wants a nice Cosey house, your money etc and he can't come back to that .

I seriously would have minimal contact until you have sorted your life out.

KirstyWirsty Tue 15-May-12 15:51:01

I did the same Rachy .. which was a bugger as I'd typed a huge long post! Maybe Mumsnet HQ could put a warning after 1000 posts to let you know you can't post??

RoxyRobin Tue 15-May-12 15:52:21

Hello again, lovely girl!

As far as I can see, he's made it easy for you. I honestly thought, shit though he be, he'd keep his niceness offensive up for as long as it took, but it seems he couldn't be arsed. I suspect that's his attitude towards life in general.

I know when you look back it's hard to square his present self with that person who really did show you love and affection. But as we go through life our personalities are still developing - and he is one of the ones who have become nastier. Mourn the man he once was, Starting, but don't try to dig up the corpse - it's beyond reviving.

Next time I'm in, I'll light a candle for you wink.

midwife99 Tue 15-May-12 15:52:55

Hi Starting - please be strong - you've done so well!! He is a lying cheating lazy alcoholic who just wants to use you. If you take him back you won't meet your lovely kind caring hardworking honest future husband! Please make space for him to come into your life!!

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 15:56:38

From your opening post on your first thread: ^ i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...^

He told the truth. He didn't love you then and he doesn't love you now.

And: I let him be my world you see..i shut out the rest of the world and now i'm paying the price

You know that you made big mistake in making him the be and end all of your life. Learn from it and resolve not to fall into the same trap again.

Three weeks later from your second thread: I'm going about my day feeling quite positive and then pow! he calls and i'm down again

You've been told advised from the off not to engage with him and the reason is that when you are coming from a place of misguided sentiment need, you can't be trusted not to fall for the blandishments of a dirty, lowdown, lying, deceitful, duplicitous twunt who can't be trusted.

Also from your 2nd thread: I know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Your know your life can be wonderful without him and you know that it will be infinitely more wonderful without him than it could ever be with him.

All you need to do now is hold that thought and bring your bright new twunt-free future into being.

meredeux Tue 15-May-12 15:57:41

What astonishes me is the way that he is so .... what??.. arrogant, maybe...or stupid???... that he ups his offer only a fraction at a time.

He should be on his knees, begging your forgiveness for all the [pain he has caused, and he would be if he really does love you. But instead he's still thinking he's a catch and you should be glad to get him back. It doesn't make sense.

RachyRach30 Tue 15-May-12 16:05:07

You've gone quiet starting, something tells me you have arranged to meet up with him .

izzyizin Tue 15-May-12 16:15:43

That also happens when mumsnet temporarily goes down, Rachy, and when it does go to the top left hand corner of your screen and 'go back one page' so that you can copy and paste your response on to a new or same thread or save it as a word document for use at a later date.

Although I have no leaning towards organised religion, in common with Roxy, I find that old churches are good places to sit in contemplation of the past, present, and future.

Unfortunately, it's a sign of our times that, other than the great cathedrals, in London few churches are freely accessible to the public outside of service hours and standing outside a locked door in a churchyard when it's pissing down with rain does little to calm a troubled mind sad

PooPooInMyToes Tue 15-May-12 16:19:00

Perhaps now is the time to stop taking his calls?

just had a big long post on old thread that went poof!

Jist is STAY AWAY! he is using you, he doesnt love you, he is a taker, not a giver.

Do make a decision - to stay the hell away from him. He isnt a catch, he is a lowlife who thinks you are weak and will put up with his nonsense, while he continues to bleed you dry.

You are NOT weak, you are strong and will get through this.

captainmummy Tue 15-May-12 16:24:27

I also typed out a long post - only to have mumsnet tell me the thread is 'not accepting any more posts'!!angry

Anyway. basically what i said was - he's demanding his bed back, he sees it as black and white, he wants to come 'home'; - he's desperate for a place to stay/someone to mother him. When you (quite rightly) tell him that you will need time (and what's in it for you?) he drops the charade and shows his temper. He thinks you are supposed to fall at his feet and welcome him back - until the next time he fancies a bit.

And i think you were even thinking about it, but think about his true colours instead. He only wants what's best for him.

fiventhree Tue 15-May-12 16:31:55

he other thing to bear in mind is about her drinking habits or otherwise.

Addicts do often say that others have a bigger problem than them, when they are in a difficult spot. She may just have seen through him, but he wont tell you that.

Well done, good decision.

FWIW, supporting an alcohic out of their mess is a nightmare and takes years- just look up a few threads posted by women in this situation- its always the same story. They will drag you down with them.

AnyFucker Tue 15-May-12 16:36:20

the end of the last thread came up bloody quick !

< settles down with a cuppa >

startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 16:38:40

Oh ladies, ex send me a text saying he was coming round to the house, i didnt get it until he was ringing the doorbell..... he has to scale the gates to get to my front door.

I told him to go away, he said he wanted to talk and i wouldn't talk to him, i said that i explained i needed time to think, he said that he needed money, i said i cant give you any, then he said right im going to take you for 50% of everything, the house your saving everything, as you wont help me. He was shouting and pointing his fingers at me.

He then pushed his way in the house and went to where the keys are kept, and took one of the door keys (old one)- i tried to stop him, he left saying that 50% of the house is his and to speak to his solicitor, he tried the key in the garage door but it didn't fit (as i have changed the locks).

He then threw the key and left shouting that the house was half his etc.........i was so frightened i called the police. I am waiting for them to come alone sad

startingagain88 Tue 15-May-12 16:42:24

I spoke to my solicitor who contacted him on the phone to tell him not to contact me again, he was with his solicitor, already looking to put the knife in......

I cant believe my life has come to this........... sad

midwife99 Tue 15-May-12 16:44:33

Let him try!!! He is not entitled to anything. Report him for harassment & get an injunction.

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