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Relationships

Anxious about current state of relationship, and confused what to do about it.

19 replies

maryjane29 · 12/05/2012 15:57

i want to escape..if thats the right word..from an extemley one sided and stale realtionship. i feel such a fool. my husband is constantly taking advantage of me and takes no responsibility.. where our children.. finances/bills..our life choices.. are concerened. i have been married to my husband for 8 years. we have 3 children together and another on the way. my husband also has a child from a previous relationship too. Even though we live together he doesnt see any of his children, he works full time 6am till 6pm..and he chooses to find other things to do everyweeknd instead of spending time with them and myself. we are in horrendious debt 15,000..and cannot seem to get away from it. as i deal with all the bills finances.. i struggle to find money left over for anything...it is such a huge strain on my shoulders as he refuses to deal with any of it.
My husband has a terrible relationship with his ex partener which is really taking its tole on me and im sure us all...heated arguments..texts calls etc etc late into the night at times.
He has done some extremley unquestionable things to me in the past that i cannot seem to forgive him for either... and ruined due to his jelousy many a lovely evening or weekend away.
no matter how many chances/times and go's we have to make this work..it just ends up me trying..arranging evenings out..time together..he does absoutley nothing..
i know his heart hasnt been in it for many years, it cant be..if it was it would be different.. and he just dosent want to atmit it..but i wanted to try and make it work. i love him and for our kids.. but ive had enough.
what do i do and where do i start?? 3 children.. expecting another.. no job :( i feel so trapped.

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RabidAnchovy · 12/05/2012 16:08

I think you need to get some advice about what help is out there for you, pack his bags put them in the garden and change the locks. You already sound as if you are a single parent.

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maryjane29 · 12/05/2012 16:14

RabidAnchovy...i seriously feel it :(
thank you for your advise.
but where can i go for more..? what help is avaliable for mothers in situations like these. i havent got a clue what to do. i have asked him to leave on a number of occassions now, and he has refused.. i am contempating leaving with the children, just to get the ball rolling.

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msrantsalot · 12/05/2012 16:14

Don't let yourself be trapped because of finances, get some financial advice from the CAB there's always a way, and good luck xx

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squeakytoy · 12/05/2012 16:16

The first thing to do is deal with the debt, if you ignore it, it will just keep going up and up.

If you are in charge of the finances, how is he getting the funds to go out and do whatever it is he does at the weekends?

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maryjane29 · 12/05/2012 16:20

thank you msrantsalot.x
squeakytoy- he pulls the "im the earner" out of the guilt bag and takes money out of our account. guilts me. :( x

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RabidAnchovy · 12/05/2012 16:25

He may be the earner but he is pissing his earnings up the wall.

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neuroticmumof3 · 12/05/2012 16:55

Have a look on entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you would get if you were separated and he was paying no child support, at least it'll give you an idea. Are all debts joint? If you were separated from him and on benefits you'd probably qualify for a Debt Relief Order. I also second visiting CAB for advice, they're brilliant.

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maryjane29 · 12/05/2012 16:59

indeed he is.. and leaving us in a state.
debt is a terrible thing..and pride at times has stopped me for asking for help..but now i think i have literally seen the light..i dont want to live like this anymore. its exhausting.. esp with the kids and with a new baby on the way. i want the world for them they deserve better :( x

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maryjane29 · 12/05/2012 17:03

thank you neuroticmumof3.. i have never heard of that website.. i shall look asap. some debts are joint..council tax..and electricity and others are his only.. and i will defo take a look at CAB also. thank you x

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msrantsalot · 12/05/2012 17:27

So he's the earner? If you went up in a puff off smoke how much would it cost him to pay for a full time nanny, a cleaner, a personal assistant? your time is probably worth more than his if he had to pay for everything you do.

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maryjane29 · 12/05/2012 17:30

lol!! msrantsalot.. dont get me started..i have to ask if its ok to have money..and thats just to buy the kids things..
im getting sooo upset..i know i have put up with this for soo long..reading it brings it all home..what an idiot i have been :(

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DutchOma · 12/05/2012 17:31

Christians against Poverty. You don't have to be (or become) a Christian for them to help you. Look at their website.

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maryjane29 · 12/05/2012 17:32

thank you DutchOma- i will.

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msrantsalot · 12/05/2012 20:40

your not the first and you wont be the last, chin up and move on

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/05/2012 20:55

What extremely questionable things has he done to you?

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kittycatwoman · 12/05/2012 21:23

Is his unreasonable behaviour fairly recent ? I ask because with 3 kids already you chose to have one more with him.Maybe the prospect of a new baby arriving has stressed him and made him behave unreasonably ?

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MissFaversham · 12/05/2012 21:44

I personally think he's always behaved unreasonably and it takes hormones sometimes to realise this after a long time of "putting up with". it's the having to be the protective one that finally kicks in isn't it OP.

Listen to these wise ones on here OP. Start making plans, which they will help you with, start squirrelling money away. Go and get advice from all and sundry. Arm yourself sweetheart. Knowledge on how to get out (and you can these days) is power.

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maryjane29 · 21/05/2012 20:50

HotDAMNlifeisgood- extremley questionable things- spiked my drink to "make sure i had a good time" on our wedding day :( i only found out later in the evening of our dance and we spent our first night together as a married couple arguing slept in seperate rooms....
Threw me into/at a door at my sisters wedding..where i ended up with a brusied face and collar bone, (which was fun at breakfast time) i missed most of the dance then too, all beacuse i was cheif bridesmaid and he had to look after our 3 children...with help i add.
i misscarried our 4th child and he was no support, he rolled over and went to sleep after me telling what was happening..and thereafter left me for the rest of the week alone whilst he went to work heavily bleeding in pain and looking after 3 todddlers...the list to be honest is horrible and so terrible to finally be honest with myself about what i ahve been put through ( i have told no-one about any of these situations)

Kittycatwoman-no its not...he seemes to be like this from time to time then gets better and worse again :(.

MissFaversham- thank you i am as i type resaerching reading and making a plan.

Thank you all for your advise.

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Proudnscary · 21/05/2012 21:04

Bloody hell MaryJane, I'm so sorry for what he's done to you - physically, emotionally and financially abused you since your wedding day (and before no doubt). You are not stupid or weak, he has done a shocking number on you and you are now stumbling out of the fog. Good for you. Look up all the support and advice websites posters have given you and LEAVE ASAP xx

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