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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Does love last?

28 replies

georgesmummy11 · 10/05/2012 16:13

Does love and excitement last?
For all the MN's that are in happy long term relationships/ marriages, does the excitement and love last?
Do you still look forward to seeing them and get excited when they are home. Do you still hold hands and have fun together ect.

OP posts:

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amillionyears · 10/05/2012 16:18

hold hands, yes
fun together, yes
love,yes
excitement, sometimes
look forward to seeing them,sometimes

Not sure whether you are saying you are concerned about something?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/05/2012 16:27

My favourite long-term couple were my friend's parents. I know they'd had a few set-tos in their time but it was obvious when you met them that they still loved each other very much. One day I saw them, it was her birthday and he'd bought her some new winter boots. As she showed them off he proudly told me with a twinkle in his eye that his DW had a 'smashing pair of legs'. When he died a few years later she only outlived him by a couple of months. Aaahh

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Gigondas · 10/05/2012 16:29

Absolutely yes. I am still as excited now when I get one of dh texts as I was 7 years ago

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julienoshoes · 10/05/2012 16:29

"Do you still look forward to seeing them and get excited when they are home. Do you still hold hands and have fun together etc."

32 years on. Yes.

For a while, earlier on in our marriage, we sometimes had very little time for 'us' when we were nearly drowning in the kids needs+work cycle, but our kids all grown now, and we have time for each other again and it's lovely.
We've just come back from a few days away on our own, and had a wonderful time.

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mumnosbest · 10/05/2012 16:38

I'd say love changes. After 10yrs and 3 DCs it's definately different.
We get on better, still cuddle and hold hands and I sometimes miss DH when he's out. I also enjoy time on my own sometimes. There's no butterflies and excitement but nor are there any worries or uncertainties (will it last? Can I trust him). Sometimes we do get very wrapped up in our work and the kids and don't always make time for eachother. I think he feels this moe than me as the DCs are pretty much my life and I do need reminders. Hope 1 day we are like you Julienoshoes.

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noddyholder · 10/05/2012 16:40

Yes we have been together 20+ years and it is just the same really. I feel the same and there is no one I'd rather spend time with.

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georgesmummy11 · 10/05/2012 16:49

Thank you all. I think this has confirmed what I already knew but finding hard to admit. Iv had a couple of other posts on her about my relationship (it's not been great).
I have come to realise that I don't love "DP" anymore well not like I should do, I still love him a care for him but as a friend not as a "lover" the past couple of weeks I have been dreading him coming home from work. I don't want to sleep with him anymore.
We were meant to be going out Sunday ether pictures or for dinner, I was so nervous at the thought of having dinner and trying to make conversation.
BUT don't want to tell him it's over as I don't want to hurt him.
We had a DS and a house together I feel so lost

OP posts:

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sheeplikessleep · 10/05/2012 16:55

You need to communicate with him, tell him how you feel.
Have you considered counselling?

I do also think it fluctuates hugely.

Some days I worship the ground DH walks on, find him hilarious, sexy, my soul mate, I just want to jump on him and cuddle him all at the same time.

Other days he annoys me, I want to scream when he doesn't listen to me properly and I get annoyed.

I think a lot of it is how I'm feeling though.

But I wouldn't be without him. I just think it's the balance of good days and bad days that's the gauge.

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flatbellyfella · 10/05/2012 16:58

That's so sad to read Georgesmummy,did he do something to make you feel this way ? Or has it just slowly developed over time. Is he in love with you? Does he tell you he loves you,bring you flowers etc:?

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GoingToThePark · 10/05/2012 17:25

I know what you mean op. I was writing our 8 year anniversary card just now. And felt very meh about it. I just couldn't think of anything to write. Don't think whatever there was is there any more. The sex isn't appealing to me, time alone doesn't get me excited like it used to, don't care about his opinion on anything, don't have the same interests. We just constantly run out lives parallel but separate. It's depressing.

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Mumsyblouse · 10/05/2012 17:44

I am not sure asking this question is going to help you at all really, as love comes in different shapes and sizes. I do still feel love and lust for my husband of 10 years, hold hands, but that is because we have quite a passionate relationship which, when it is not going well, is really destructive and negative. In other words, it's all a bit over-dramatic, the good times and the bad.

I'm not sure comparing that to a more 'friends not lovers' type relationship which may be more stable and less dramatic really helps, I think you need to think about if/how you can fan the flames of any spark or if it really is all over.

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mumnosbest · 10/05/2012 18:15

How old is your DS? and how long have you been together?

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sandyboots · 10/05/2012 18:55

OP I'd say the butterflies/can't wait to see them/hold hands couple (which is lovely) are the exception rather than the rule

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gafhyb · 10/05/2012 19:12

22 years

Hands- sometimes
Love-yes
Fun-yes
Excitement - mostly
Look forward to seeing - yes

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gafhyb · 10/05/2012 19:18

.... but there have been times of parallel lives, children being the forefront, not-v-frequent sex. I think that if it has been good in the past and the assumption is there that you want to being in this relationship until you are old, it can improve, with effort and honesty.

The good times help you sustain things through the mundane times. That's my take.

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FarloRigel · 10/05/2012 19:28

Yes, but it waxes and wanes and the adrenaline side does pass. I love my DH intensely, but imo maintaining respect is the most important thing. If I found myself feeling little love for no reason I would want to make sure it wasn't a phase and give it plenty of time. The one thing that has strengthened my marriage has been seeing dh do things well and handle terrible situations well. Can you do something new together that might let you see him in a new positive light to rekindle feelings of pride and respect and maybe even laugh together?

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Gooshka · 10/05/2012 19:28

Yes it does last but I'd say it evolves/changes over time. The early days of butterflies and excitement, in my experience, turn into a deeper, calmer more profound love (if you are with the right person). If the excitement ends and nothing else begins then perhaps it is not meant to be (hence many exes prior to my DH!!). Google "love is a temporary madness", Captain Corelli's Mandolin (apologies if spelling not correct) - it was read at our wedding and I truly believe every word of it.

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gafhyb · 10/05/2012 21:03

Good post Farlo. I agree. I fundamentally admire my DH and think he's kind and competent

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Smum99 · 10/05/2012 21:07

Farlo, very insightful post.

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georgesmummy11 · 11/05/2012 09:59

I just feel really lost in our relationship I think I'm staying for all the wrong reasons. DS is 16 months and we have been together 7 years.
Iv been trying to look back at our relationship and think of the good times and memories but all I can see are the bad ones.
I told him last night how I felt and he kicked off. Just don't think I have a fight left in me anymore.

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amillionyears · 11/05/2012 10:36

I was going to suggest you both go out together, with or maybe without your DS.But I see that is what is making you anxious anyway.
How is he feeling.Does he feel that things are ok from his perspective, or is he unhappy too?
Does he regularly kick off when you try and talk about how you feel?
There is a book called "Why Women Talk and Men walk.How to Improve your relationship without discussing it" which may help.

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amillionyears · 11/05/2012 10:38

There did used to be something called the seven year itch in relationships, and I see you have been together for seven years.You might find it helpful to google that.

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happyhappymummy · 11/05/2012 11:54

Hey george :)
I felt how you did but I believe looking back it was down to PND!
Im not saying this is the case but having children changes relationships, well it did mine. PND clouded my judgement alot.
One thing we didnt try and that was some kind of therapy. Maybe this is something you both could try?

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ShowOfHands · 11/05/2012 11:59

I've only been with dh for 13 years but that's nearly half of my life really. I love him enormously. But I also like him and respect him. Along with my Dad, he's the best man I know and I thoroughly enjoy not just him, but us, our family, our life, the world we've created. It's so much more than just being in love with somebody.

But after my dd was born I was very frightened that something had changed for us. I felt emotionally withdrawn from dh. I know now I had PND and actually the foundations of our marriage did help me through it in a lot of ways. After having ds, being mentally well, I just didn't feel the numbness I felt years ago. Having a child, especially your first child, is a massive, massive shock to the system and they systems you live by.

I think you do need to find out what it is that you're feeling and from where it stems. Counselling is a very good idea.

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Mumsyblouse · 11/05/2012 12:01

I am not quite sure what you don't like about your relationship, or what is making you think about leaving: lack of passion, not really fancying him/wanting to spend time together or the 'bad memories'. I think it is really worth trying to clarify what is going wrong, as otherwise it will be harder to fix.

If you have a diffuse sense that things aren't right, as others have said, look around for possible explanations. One is that having a 16 month is really exhausting, I felt at my worst about 2 years after the birth of my first I think the exhaustion and lack of sleep and general run-downness all really caught up with me. This definitely affected how I felt about my husband. Secondly, marriages do have phases, I have definitely had questioning phases but am now not in one and very glad we stuck together through the tougher times. However, it may be that it's not about these things and there is a more fundamental incompatibility or problem in behaviour.

I think talking with somone (counselling just for you, together, even chatting with an old friend who really knows you) will help you suss out what is going on.