Wish My DP Would Grow A Pair & Stand Up To His Mother!

[ButternutSquish]

Apologies now for what is probably going to be a long thread. Don't want to drip feed.

Ok to set the scene, DP & I have been together for 3 1/2 years & we've lived together for just over 2. He has schizophrenia which is controlled by medication and he's just about to sign off from the local health authority mental health unit as he's all fit and well. I'm divorced and unfortunately unable to have children which whilst is sad, is something I live with and have come to terms with. DP is ok with this too. We are engaged and are getting married next March.

DP's parents live over 300 miles away. He's an only child (well, his mother did give a child up for adoption when she was 15) and they are very close as a family. They openly ask information about his work and what he earns, what his pension is, how much the mortgage is, and he's ok with that. I thought I had a pretty good relationship with them and as a general rule we see them about 4 times a year. They come to us and we stay with them for usually 3 nights at a time due to the distance.

Up until DP had a promotion last year we'd go and see them and they would start nagging and nagging him about work until he'd lose his cool, usually just before leaving to come home and then we'd have a 6 hour car ride of ranting. Since the promotion things have changed. We went up last summer and his Mum & Dad both isolated me and started grilling me about my pension status and my work, how much I earnt, how much my mortgage was on my rented out house etc etc. I found it really difficult to not answer as I felt they were bullying me. Que us leaving and me having a rant for 6 hours! My DP was angry and said he would speak to them, which he did. He then went to see a sporting event in their location and his Mum started to have a go about me not being reasonable about telling them all and they she started to have a go about the fact I can't have kids! She started to cry and ask why he couldn't find some who could have kids as it was unfair that she'd never become a grandmother. Although he said he was angry he said nothing to her and just comforted her. He kept this from me for a couple of weeks as he knew I'd be angry too.

We got engaged in the autumn and the first thing he said was that he didn't want to involve his Mum or Dad in the planning. This seemed a bit strange to me but said 'ok'. At Christmas they came down to see us and his Mum got him aside and asked if he was planning on asking very distant relative X to the wedding? He said no & she immediately flew off the handle and said 'well, your Dad won't come to the wedding then'. He managed to calm her down and nothing more was said about it.

We sent out our Save The Dates and he then had a call from his Dad saying that X hadn't received one...well, that's because they're not on our main invite list! His Dad was upset and then DP & I discussed it and said we didn't want to invite these people, mainly because there are lots of other people we'd like to invite and he has only seen X 4 times in his whole life....the usual wedding problems you'd imagine!

I've invited DP's Mum to my dress trying on day because I thought she'd enjoy it, even though we've had the 'grandchild' issue. We then went up to see them. The first evening was fine but the second morning I came downstairs to find DPs mum cornerning him and discussing the invite situation. I said calmly that we hadn't invited them as yet but we may do depending on number. She then starts crying & saying how his Dad was so hurt, and he was so bad son & they were only asking for this one thing....blah blah. She went on and on and DP just didn't say anything & then she turned on me...cue lots of hurtful things. I ended up saying that I was going for a walk and getting up. We went out for the day and it was horrible. Came back at 4.30 only to be ignored. We then all went out for dinner (how crazy is that!). The next day his Dad sent me to my room whilst DP & his mum looked at the computer. When our stay thankfully ended there were no hugs and kisses or pretend nice and since coming home they've bearly been in contact.

I don't want her to come to my dress day now and DP says if I do that then they won't come to the wedding. I've said, well, that's tough but I understand that he loves his family and wants them to be there. Not only does he want me to allow her to come (when what I want is an apology for her appalling behavior) he wants me to apologise for 'walking out' even though he thinks they are in the wrong. Hell will freeze over before that happens.

He's seeing his dad over the weekend and knows this is all going to come up & he feels that they will not come to the wedding unless it's resolved. He's desperately trying to come to a solution to make happy families again. I think call their bluff! I've told him he can say all the nice things he likes to them but don't expect me too. I've had to give in on the dress day as a compromise but that's all their getting but basically, his mum does this all the time. Cries and has a tantrum whenever she doesn't get what she wants and they all allow her to do it. She never apologises and I think it's time DP told her that she is in the wrong.

I'm so fed up. I'm not saying I'll never see them again, or making problems like that but I'm so cheesed off with her getting away with this. He's terrified they won't come to the wedding and I've said, 'well, she wins again. what more will she ask for?'

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Why are you marrying such a weak man that is not going to stand up for you as a couple? It's already driving a wedge between you. BIG mistake to go into married life wishing/hoping your partner will change for the better. They rarely do.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Agree that your husband is spineless. You should probably read "Toxic In-laws" and consider the family dynamics you are marrying into. Your fiance will not "grow a pair" until he is good and ready to. And that time may well be never. Can you cope with that?

Also this: "The next day his Dad sent me to my room"
Perhaps your DP isn't the only one who needs to grow a pair. You too can sy "No", you know.

[ButternutSquish]

Apart from this issue with his Mum, he's a wonderful, kind, generous man!

[ButternutSquish]

Yep, agree HDL, I should but it's really difficult when you're staying in someone elses' house. Never doing that again!

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Good.

Because if you go through with the marriage, you may well be the only person standing up to them, so you'll need to get very good at it. And you'll also need to know how to cope with the fallout in your marraige when your placating H is aghast at you drawing boundaries with his parents.

[ButternutSquish]

Going to look online at these books, thank you.

Basically I'm fed up being nice to them! I think I should get an apology but I can live without that. I can even do the dress day through gritted teeth but i am NOT having this go on forever!

[PooPooInMyToes]

Gosh they sound like strange people!

[Kaluki]

" The next day his Dad sent me to my room whilst DP & his mum looked at the computer?"
Really? seriously? You were sent to your room like a naughty child?
And you went?
Bloody hell!!
I'd be thinking very hard about if I want to become a member of this family if I were you!!!

[GoPoldark]

His Dad sent you to your room?

I don't really know what to say, because at this point they would be uninvited to my wedding anyway, and I'd be in no hurry to plan to have any relationship with them at all.

Extreme? Inlaws can kill marriages. If you are in any doubt about this, do not minimise it. Sort this out before the wedding. I would start with:

1. You expect to come first in his priorities. You are now the main nuclear family.
   
2. Your financial/personal business is yours, and you expect him to tell them that your private life is not up for discussion in future. No, your mortgage is none of their business.
   
3. You do not expect him to go behind your back to make plans/discuss you with them.
   
4. Them throwing tantrums and behaving badly will result in them being told exactly where to go, not apologised to.
   

Personally I'd start this new chapter with refusing to have your MIL at the dress thing until you do get an apology.

[Julezboo]

They sent you to your room

Are you teenagers? Children?

You need to talk with dp. Don't think I would marry into that if dp wasn't willing to put US first. What's going to happen when you have children?

[PooPooInMyToes]

When he sent you to your room how exactly did he word that? And why couldn't you be in the room while they looked at the computer? What were they looking at?

[ImperialBlether]

They sound absolutely awful. You do know that once you are married they will feel even more comfortable in the way they're treating you?

Things with your partner won't improve. Again, if you are married, he'll expect you to take even more crap from them.

Do you really want to marry him?

[PooPooInMyToes]

To me he sounds like a man who has just got used to the way his parents are and stands up to them most of the time. Right up until he asked you to apologise to them for walking out! That's crazy considering the amount of apologies they owe you.

He's probably desperate to keep the peace so that they come to your wedding.

I feel sorry for him actually. Imagine trying to deal with is mental health issues and them at the same time!

[Jinx1906]

It is your and your partners day not theirs. Don't let anyone spoil it for you. Be firm and do what you think is right. I would sit him down and tell him how important certain things are to you and explain that you are not willing to give in to his parents demands. It is not their wedding it is yours.

I hope you will both have a lovely day.

[ButternutSquish]

Yes PooPoo, it is very hard for him. He is torn between his love for me and his love for them, I have no doubt in this. We both agree that they have conveniently forgotten about his MH issues and actually they have forgotten how amazingly well he has done in his life considering this. He is a Partner is a Law Firm, he's not just holding down a stress-free job.

He just wants everything to be perfect up to the day, and I understand that too but I just want him to stand up to them, not just for me but for himself too! I have made my point with him, I have said that I am not going to have this continue for me, even if he decides he's happy for himself to be manipulated. It came out that his Mum & Gran didn't speak for 8 months after a falling out and he seems to be terrified of this happening. For me, that's happened before, you get over these things but he desperately wants them there for the wedding and he says she is spiteful enough to not come.

Also, when I say 'sent me to my room', I meant he asked me to go upstairs whilst he was washing up. I should have said 'no' but I was so pissed off and angry and just wanted to be out of there that I just went, it was easier.

He's not spineless, that sounds dreadful but he's been so used to this happening on a regular basis that he used to it. Not that he's happy about it.

I've said, 'how would you feel if my mother was insulting and unkind to you? How would you feel if I didn't stand up for you?' and he just says it's very difficult.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's a lawyer and he doesn't like conflict?....

[ButternutSquish]

well he's a specialist lawyer, not your average 'stand up in court' lawyer. He doesn't mind conflict, just not with his parents

[izzyizin]

Not all lawyers relish conflict, Cogito.

I'm with GP here and would suggest that you make a stand now otherwise your wedding day is unlikely to be an event that will live fondly in your memory.

Since when has it become the custom for MILs to be invited to the 'dress trying on day'? [himm] Sounds to me as if you're setting the scene for tears to be spilled on your dress before you get to wear it.

Your wedding, your rules - and your decision as to who is invited. If his dps aren't happy with that notion, make it clear to them that they're free to stay away and use the 'dress trying on' day as a form of rehearsal for the big day.

[SearchSquad]

If you both wish to avoid conflict, you could try and give your MIL one last chance to behave and take her along on the dress trying day.

Be prepared for her to be over emotional and over sensitive. If she seems polite and happy, try to rebuild your relationship from there. You could plan an afternoon between yourselves where you both try and build some intimacy. Don't get into a confrontation and don't involve her in the wedding planning.

However, if she continues to be nasty, you need to make your DP deal with her firmly and lay down some ground rules to ensure a smooth wedding.

I just feel that you need to pick your battles. Confrontation is not the best approach with a wedding round the corner.

And on that note, do ask your DP to discuss with his parents why they are so insistent on this particular guest.

Stay in control and stay civil.

[PooPooInMyToes]

My own dh sticks up for himself and me with everyone except his family. Sometimes family seem to have particularly strong hold.

[dondon33]

I actually feel quite sorry for him, but mostly for you too butternut.
I can understand that his mum has spoken with him about the not having children part, kind of an are you sure approach iykwim, however, she should respect the fact he is grown man capable of making his own decisions in HIS life. She certainly was out of order for having a go at him about it. Anyway, how does she know that even if he was with a different partner that he still would choose not to have kids?

I find nothing wrong with them showing an interest in his work, if he will be financially secure in later life but anything more, especially your finances are none of their god damn business. When they asked you I would have replied "I have enough thank you very much" making it perfectly clear it was not going to be discussed further. How very rude of them.

As for the childish, controlling, emotional blackmail over the guests at your wedding, you should stand your ground - it's your day, not theirs, I'm sure you have people on your side that you haven't invited either. Why would it be the end of the world for them to tell guest x that the wedding is a small affair, fgs they can even "blame" you both for not wanting a huge wedding/masses of guests, if it makes them feel better. It would make them look like decent parents by respecting your wishes instead of behaving like overgrown children. It's really very selfish of them considering he has had previous MH problems, you would think they wouldn't want to stress him.
I would feel tempted to keep her out of the plans etc... however, if you already asked her to come to your dress day then you should maybe honour it, see how it goes but don't take any crap from her - she probably won't attempt any crying or tantrums woman to woman, it'll make her look more than a neurotic tit.

I wouldn't apologise for walking out, you done what you had to do and it wasn't your fault, what was the alternative? stay there and argue would have been much worse.

My Mil uses some of the same tactics, she didn't really like me when I first got with her baby, more to do with the fact she felt I would take him away, she's never been nasty to me or about me though. She did have an issue what I spend money on which very quickly got sorted out :) She uses emotional blackmail alot on him like if he won't do x exactly the way she wants him to then he won't get y and he is an arsehole. She spoilt xmas because she was trying to force him to speak with a family member that he chooses not to speak with, so she stormed upstairs waiting for him to cave. He didn't :)
He DID used to cave in to her, before me, we first spoke about it and he thought it was just normal and accepted that until I opened his eyes, basically telling him that he didn't have to accept it, I am with him 100% I am there no matter what happens between him and his mum but I won't have her cause problems in our relationship or try to control things in our lives, we are adults and I'm a mother of 3 fgs!! She doesn't like it that things don't happen all her way but that's tough shit lol Don't get me wrong if she says something I agree with or I think it's a good idea then I'll say so too.

Jesus I've written a small book here- sorry for long post.
Good luck with everything I hope you manage to sort it all out, and I hope you have a fantastic wedding day x

[PooPooInMyToes]

How distant is this relative anyway?

[ButternutSquish]

Thanks everyone....PooPoo, relative is his second cousin. I'm not inviting cousins of my own, basically because we never see each other and we're not close at all.

We have spoken about this before he sees his Dad this weekend and he has said that he will say that I will honour the dress day but she must apologise for her behavior. We have had a loooooooooooong talk about it and the crux seems to be that he is terrified that she won't speak to him and they may not come to the wedding. But my counter argument is that if we let her win on all of this, where does it stop? She could use that threat for the rest of the run up to the day.

He also had a massive difficulty is agreeing that he should agree to stand up for me if she starts (when I'm not about). He took some convincing that he could say 'Mum, stop it, that's enough' if necessary. He has promised me that he will do and I have to leave it there.

You are all right to say about picking your battles but she absolutely has no respect for me, which is rather funny because 6 months ago she was tell DP that I was 'the daughter she never had'.

Also, on the children front. My DP is more than happy with us not having any. He has a stressful job and his MH is such that he doesn't actually need the extra stress that young children can bring. He's an excellent uncle though!

[dondon33]

Sounds like you have made a move forward there Butternut, now you are pointing things out to him he will continue to see things for himself and at some point decide to stand up to her/them even more.
He's learning (I know from my own Dp/MIL that it is hard to begin with) that he MUST defend/stand up for you, good for him. It doesn't have to be a full scale argument or nasty, what you quoted above sounds fair enough.

Ahh being Aunt and Uncle is great you get to give the buggers back :)

Have a fab wedding day xx