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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Not sure if this should be a dealbreaker

80 replies

ArthurandGeorge · 04/05/2012 20:07

Dp is crap with money. This has caused tension between us before. He also has his own business which isn't doing well at present but to be fair to him this is as much what is going on for everyone in his trade as his own ability.

He owes 5k on credit card. He asked dfil to lend him the money to pay it off, with a plan to repay dfil whi dfil was happy with. He assurred me that this was what he would do with the money and dfil checked the plan with me before giving dp the cheque.

He has spent it on a car, which he claims is really cheap and he can easily sell at a profit.

I am absolutely furious with him and dfil is very upset. I told dfil as soon as I found out but dp does not yet, I think, know that dfil knows iyswim.

He states that at the point of asking dfil for the money and getting me to agree to the plan etc he didn't know about the car.

I feel that I can't trust him at all.

The issue isn't so much the money as the lies and I feel like he used me to lie to dfil. Really upset.

We are meant to be getting married later this year.

OP posts:

Report

Oogaballoo · 04/05/2012 20:13

I think it should definitely be a dealbreaker. Lies and money issues combined are a toxic combination. I think you need to have a think about where this could lead in the long-term- hidden debt, more lies, broken trust, financial damage that you are dragged into. These are all possibilities.

He has made you complicit in lying to someone else in order to get access to five thousand pounds. That is absolutely disgusting behaviour, I mean really terrible stuff. He got his hands on the money and then did whatever he wanted with it, leaving you and his father betrayed and lied to.

I don't know if I could marry someone like this either. Because it would very likely end up with a lot of hurt, both emotional and financial.

ImperialBlether · 04/05/2012 20:14

Don't do it.

Separate yourself from him both emotionally and financially. He's not to be trusted.

You can't possibly marry him - you know what your life would be like, don't you?

Lueji · 04/05/2012 20:16

Yes. :(

And if you marry him YOU may end up in debt too.

MorrisZapp · 04/05/2012 20:16

Oh jeez. Dealbreaker, sorry.

Lueji · 04/05/2012 20:17

He now owes 10k!

I not more...

Lueji · 04/05/2012 20:18

If, if, if
Stupid modern gadgets.

scarletforya · 04/05/2012 20:23

Major red flag, irresponsible with money and deceptive and has debt (there could be more you dont know about)

Very bad combination.

tribpot · 04/05/2012 20:25

If he's been sold a car that he genuinely thinks he can sell on at a profit, either he's got incredibly lucky or more likely he's been taken for a complete mug. He 'didn't know' about the car because he hadn't been suckered at that point.

But it's not his money, DFIL lent it to him to pay off money he already owes elsewhere. I think you have a lifetime of conversations like this, with the numbers steadily getting worse, if you marry this guy.

Mama1980 · 04/05/2012 20:27

Some debt I could live with the deceit I could not. I think he has behaved very badly and in this situation it would be a deal breaker for me.

balia · 04/05/2012 20:33

Run.

If he will lie to, and cheat his own father for money, imagine what he will do to you. Even if the car is the motoring equivalent of a missing Van Gogh, a normal, decent person would have asked dFIL if he was willing for the (very kindly lent) money to be risked in this way.

He has no respect for you or his father.

ArthurandGeorge · 04/05/2012 20:46

Thank you all.

I think I knew this but it's a bit scary. Haven't talked to anyone but dfil about it in rl.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 04/05/2012 20:52

He has effectively defrauded his father and I suspect that his get rich quick scheme is destined to lead to further impoverishment - and to baliffs arriving at the door if he doesn't repay his credit card debt

If you've got any instinct for self-preservation, you'll run for the hills tell him that what he's done is deal breaker as in thewedding deal is off.

I can only hope that his df's repayment plan is legally watertight.

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 21:05

Oh dear OP. I have to agree with the others here. Embarking on a marriage with someone who is over 10k in debt isn't good let alone the rest

oikopolis · 04/05/2012 21:08

horrible, please drop this person ASAP. he's amoral, a liar and perhaps even a criminal... i think what he's done is fraud.

PineappleBed · 04/05/2012 21:11

Really tricky, you have some serious decisions to make.

I read in a magazine (so may be bumkum) that financial disagreements are the number 1 cause of divorce and I can totally see why. I like having totally joint finances with my DH but it only works because we have the same attitude to money.

In your case its the lying more than the money crap-ness which makes me think you should think twice.

PineappleBed · 04/05/2012 21:13

Oh and does he care he's upset you? If not or he just makes loads of justifications ditch him - lying and not caring if you're upset are definitely deal breakers!

QuintessentialShadows · 04/05/2012 21:17

Dealbreaker. I would not marry a deceitful spendthrift.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2012 08:14

Having once been married to a man rather like that I would sincerely encourage you to drop him like a hot brick and walk firmly away. The behaviour is selfish (spending family money on themselves rather than the family), childish (instant gratification), dishonest and - if you are not the sort of person that runs up debts yourself - very, very stressful. As a couple we used to bring in a very decent income between us but we never had anything to show for it. We never had children because I knew, if I had to stop work for even a short period, we would be in serious financial trouble.

Don't marry this man. Kick him to the kerb.

QuickLookBusy · 05/05/2012 08:23

Total deal breaker. I know several people married to men like this. They lurch from crisis to crisis.

CailinDana · 05/05/2012 08:26

It would a be a dealbreaker for me too :(

purplewithred · 05/05/2012 08:27

I think you know what the answer to this is, don't you?

EdithWeston · 05/05/2012 08:28

If it was a good scheme, he should have talked to DFIL and to you before spending the money. Then everyone would be clear about what was happening, and he would have given both of you proper respect and consideration. What he actually did suggests he does not think either of you is worth a full role in his decisions (an yo could say, by extension, his life).

How on earth does he keep his own business afloat if he is "crap with money" (a phrase which should perhaps be rewritten as "financially incompetent")

And I know it's not at the crux of this, but what is the car? Does it need restoration how much?) How much profit does he expect to make and how long before it is sold?

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Proudnscary · 05/05/2012 08:36

Do you have children together?

If not and you are not yet married, please for the love of Christ Almighty do not go any further with this relationship. He will suck you dry emotionally and financially. Ahead is a road of misery. YES THIS SHOULD BE A DEALBREAKER.

Ps NOBODY buys a car as an investment unless it is a vintage Rolls Royce or similar. It will have already depreciated by £500!

PooPooInMyToes · 05/05/2012 08:40

What an idiot! Its one thing being bad with money and running up debts but then to spend his dads money that was supposed to bail him out! And lying to his dad, that's awful!

I had a friend like this and hardly see her anymore as it drives me crazy. I can't imagine being married to one.

MushroomSoup · 05/05/2012 08:46

I had been married a couple of years when my ExH told me he was in debt - nearly to the tune of £30K. He had been running 'get rich quick' schemes just like your DP. Some of it was through gambling (£100s on the lottery FFS cause he believed the odds would go in his favour).
Because he was honest with me, and remorseful, and I was worried about the effect on my credit rating and possibly losing the house, I got a loan out to cover the debt (he couldn't, bad credit).
Like Cogito I had a good job but a shit house and a shit lifestyle.
When we finally split a year later I was saddled with ALL the debt as id put it in my name. And ExH had the cheek to ask me if I'd pay for him to have a holiday as I 'was the one with the money'!
Stay clear. Distance yourself. Completely remove yourself from your finances. If you share any loans/mortgage etc you can get a note added to your credit file to say you are disassociated from him.

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