My Mum is thinking of re-marrying (sorry long)

[MamaG]

My Dad died, pretty suddenly, 3 1/2 years ago (on the morning of my wedding, but that's another story) .

11 weeks after he died, Mum started seeing another man. She said they were just friends but it was obvious they weren't. Sis & I were grief stricken and basically buried our heads in the sand as we couldn't deal with it. We decided to say something and just before we did, Mum had a heart attack - so obviously we didn't say anything to her.

Anyway, it fizzled out and she went out with a few different men. She phoned me about 6 months after Dad had died to tell me she had got engaged to someone we had never met, never heard about etc - I was 4 months pregnant and NOT happy with her. She had met him on the internet and was planning to buy a house for them to live in, he was going to give up work and sell his car and use hers - obviously a conman! We had it out with her and she asked some questions and they split up.

ANYWAY, she then started seeing "D", supposedly a quiet man whose company she enjoyed hugely. They have been together now for about 2 years, me & sis have never met him - I can't deal with it - but she has now said she is thinking of marrying him. He is childless and well off, so I don't think he's after her money. She said they have agreed that she will leave her share of any house they buy and her shares an stuff to my sister & I.

I think that in the early days, she was frightened of being left on her own and grabbed the first man who gave her attention, but it was so hard for me to deal with.

If she had just met D, I (hope) I would be happy for her, but with all the history, I still feel so

I am a complete Daddy's Girl and miss him dreadfully, even now 3 1/2 years on. I dream about him weekly and if I think about him, my chest feels really tight. I cannot talk about him without bursting into tears! DH thinks I need counselling, but I feel a bit silly as it was 3 1/2 years ago!

Sorry to witter on. I'm going to make a big effort to meet him and be civil - I think that now it's my problem, not hers if that makes sense.

Don't really know what I want to hear from you lot, but I feel better getting it off my chest

[Dior]

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[wannaBe1974]

MommaG firstly am so sorry for your loss.

Secondly, I think that your DH is right and that talking to a counsellor will help you to come to terms with everything that has happened in your life. Sometimes it takes time to realize how we are feeling about something, and just because it happened over 3 years ago doesn't make it any less signifficant.

With regard to your mum wanting to marry someone else, I can totally understand how difficult this must be for you, especially as you haven't actually met the man in question. And given your mum's previous history since your dad's death it is only natural that you will be feeling uneasy about this. You should talk to your mum and tell her how you are feeling. Tell her all your concerns, including everything that you have felt since your dad died. And it might even be adviseable for your mum to seek counselling before she goes through with her plans to marry this man. Jumping into serious relationship after serious relationship will have been her way of dealing with her grief, she really should be sure that this is what she wants before potentially going through with it.

good luck.

[oops]

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[Nbg]

I agree with what Wannabe has said MamaG. I think it has been a way for your mum to deal with her grief.

You need to think about what you have dealt with in the last 3 and a half years.
Your dad dying on your wedding day, actually getting married, having a baby and coping with the way your mum has dealt with things.

It is alot for one person to deal with

I think counselling would be a really good thing for you. I think you need time to talk things over.


My MIL's dad passed away not long before she was about to get married. Not long after she got married her mum met someone and got married within weeks. They were very happy and had a lovely relationship. Sadly he died over a year ago but they were together for over 30 years.

Give this guy a chance. It's understandable for you to be upset. I hope your mum is happy.

[butty]

MommaG,

I know how you feel in a round about way.

I lost my dad 4 years ago to cancer when he was only 39 just turned.

At the time, my mum was 38 and he left behind myself, then 20, my then 19 yr old brother and my then 11 yr old brother as well as my 18 mnth old daughter.

My youngest brother was worst affected as was so very young.

within 2 months of him dying my mum met a bloke and started dated him, i met him once and took an instant dislike after 2 months they split and then my mum went on a rampage of one night stands of which i hated as i was usually out with her!!!!

I confronted my mum after another 2 months and she broke down saying that it was her way of coping and also her way of reliveing her youth as she got with my dad when 16 and very soon after fell pregnant with me and then my brother very shortly afterwards.!!!!

In the july (7 months after) she met a bloke of whom seemed to be ok, we all got on with him exept for youngest bro for obvious reasons. We all got on really well, he was funny and witty and great towards my mum which was the main thing.
The biggest shock however did come on his first b'day with her as when i asked if he was gonna be 40 this time as looked pretty older, i found out he was only actually 25!!!!!!!! 2 and a bit years older than me!!!!!!!!!
They are still together now and still as happy.
I have talked to her about the house and life insurance as i felt it needed discussing as he's nothing to do with the house IYKWIM and also, wouldn't want youngest bro hurt if anything ever did happen.

I hope ypu can give this man the time of day, and i hope he genuinely does make your mum happy.

i know what you are going through and it is hard, but remember, your mum has also suffered the loss and would more than likely still be with your farther if still here(i hope thats the case)

Good luck whatever the outcome, and try not to bottle things up.

Butty.xxx

[Mazzystar]

MamaG

I lost my dad when I was in my late teens and my mother in her forties. I can appreciate your huge sense of loss and the complex emotions around your mother finding new relationships. I can understand you feeling protective towards her.

It will do you a lot of good to meet your mum's friend. You'll understand then that your mum is not trying to "replace" your dad, and hopefully see that he makes her happy. You need to try to be more than civil, to be welcoming and open, if you can, otherwise it may start to place a strain on your relationship with your mum.

As others have said, take the opportunity to talk to your mum about your dad and about your feelings.

[mumfor1standfinaltime]

Hi MG, Can I firstly say how sorry I am for your loss.
Your story rung true for me, well for Dh anyway. My MIL died suddenly of a heart attack 3.5 yrs ago, 6 months before our wedding. My Dh really struggled with loss of his Mum and we had to work really hard to help him with the loss.
He is an only child and has few family members who he can depend on.
We found out just before our wedding that my FIL wanted to bring his new 'girlfriend' to the wedding. We didnt really know her, but we agreed, and like you - we were convinced she was after the life insurance money.
The other members of the family were looking at her with daggers, and I must admit - I looked at her thinking "you shouldnt be the one standing there" and I felt for my Dh. We had a lovely Wedding day despite this.

They married the following summer and Dh was best man - I was so proud of him. None of the family attended the wedding, only friends. We eventually realised that as long as FIL was happy that was the only thing that mattered. We are'nt her biggest fan, but we have accepted her.

I know that my situation is slightly different as it wasnt my parent who died, but wanted to share our story with you, hope it helps.

[MamaG]

Thanks so much for the advice, I knew that I would get some straight talking from you lot! It's good to have some impartial advice though.

I'm going to sort out the house stuff etc, meet him and BE NICE but I will contact CRUSE first and hopefully straighten myself out.

Thank you

[MamaG]

Well, I talked to mum last night and we are meeting D for lunch on Sunday - and I'm going to try to be as nice as I can.

The thing is, Mum told me last night that D doesn't know about her relationship history and he thinks she has been on her own since Dad died - what an awful situation! I was horrified and said she can't possibly keep something like this from him if she wants to marry him! Then I backtracked and said we would talk about it tomorrow but if she decided not to tell him, I would support her.

It's SHIT being bloody reasonable all the time! Sometimes I just want to scream and shout and have a tantrum! There is so much going on at the moment in my life - on top of which I've just been promoted which, although good news, means a complete re-train and a lot more pressure/responsibility etc.

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OK I've had my scream now, I'll go back to being Mrs Supportive.

I DO feel hostile but will try to hide it (although DH, who was v close to my Dad, is not so diplomatic so can't speak for him!) but I am mad because D would just think I was a bitch, not knowing about all the crap I've had to put up with from Mum!

ANYWAY, any tips on meeting parent's new partner would be appreciated.

[MamaG]

shameless bump for advice...

[Beetroot]

i am sure it must be so difficult for lyu mamag. your mum is obviously struggling to, and must have been in alot of turmoil after yur dad died and all the relaptonship sh ehad went wrong.

Why don't you meet this man. and get to know him. he may be nice and great for your mum to spend some of her old age with.

And wouldn't it be wodneful for her to be happy

[MamaG]

I must be such a bitch

Thanks Beetroot

[Pollyanna]

Same thing happened to my dh. his dad died (coincidentally 2 days before our wedding) and his mum met someone within a couple of months and remarried soon after. dh found it very difficult, particularly when we had children and his brothers found the new husband very hard to accept. But now, I think, it is worth it for all of them to see their mum happy and her dh is granddad to all of her grandchildren. They have sorted out the financial side though.

[Beetroot]

mamag not bitch, it must be terrible for youto, esoeucakky as you were so close to your dad

[mszebra]

tbh MamaG I think you are expecting too much of your mom, and it's totally not fair.

She should have been more sensitive towards you by not bringing other blokes into your life so soon after your dad, but surely it was her way of coping. Other than that, I can't see that she's done anything "wrong". And whether she tells "D" about her relationship history is her business, not yours.

Look at it the other way round, would you want your mother to tell your fiance all about your relationship history? If you had gone off the rails a bit after your dad died, would you want your mother to judge you or forgive you?

Wouldn't your dad want you to support your mother? She's only human, too.

[pashmina]

mamag, let your mum have her happiness. I lost my dad to cancer 10 years ago, mum (in her early sixties then), had numerous men who persued her, and she eventually got together with a lovely man who treated her with respect and became a valued part of our family, although at times, I wished I could see my mum on her own. This now n makes me feel dreadful and selfish.

having been together 8 years, they planned to marry this month, whilst on a cruise...unfortunatley in August he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. A` speedy wedding was arranged, and he died 2 months later. we are all devastated, but she had such a wonderful life with him, and we have our memories. Your mum deserves her happiness, please please accept your mums choices.

[MamaG]

ouch

As I said, if it hadn't been for all the ohter stuff, I think I genuinely would have been happy for her. I need to make a bit more effort, I think....

[mszebra]

Have you ever told your mother how much it hurt you the way she took up with other blokes so soon after your dad died? I think you should, make it clear that you need to talk about that so that you can now accept "D" for his own merits.

[MamaG]

Yes I have told her - she just says "oh I was silly" and brushes it off as if it was of no importance. She's probably embarrassed.

[MamaG]

Also, I was (believe it or not) worried she would threaten her future relationship with D if her past ever came back to haunt her. i think that if you are planning to spend the rest of you life with someone, you should be honest about something like this. We have talked today and she has decided not to tell him - I told her that was her decision and I wouldn't say anything to him.

I DO want her to be happy, I can't change the past much as I would like to.

[pooka]

Hi MamaG. Leaving the new partner and your mother's relationship history aside (because I'm afraid I really don't have any constructive advice) I would echo Dior and suggest that in tandem with however you decide to deal with this, it would still be worth contacting CRUSE even 3.5 years after your dad's death. They are a fantastic source of compassion and counselling after bereavement. (I ran the Gt North Run for them a while ago/my dad is involved with them).

[MamaG]

Thanks Pooka, I intend to - can you tell me, do you go see somebody? I think Mum was given the number just after Dad died and they said it would be talking on the phone to someone?

I had counselling after my Granny's death when i was 15 which really helped, just not sure it would help as much over the phone?