Trying to understand how a father can abandon his children!!!

[incomprehensible]

Hi all, first time poster here.
I am trying to get some understanding, if possible, of how a father can abandon their own children.
Story is husband was caught cheating March 2010 and promptly kicked out, I have pretty much worked through the whole indescribable process of getting to the point of acceptance and have actually come to the conclusion that it's the best thing, besides giving me my 4 wonderful children, that the cheating bastard ever did for me!
The thing that I am really struggling to get my head around is that he has literally had no contact with any of his children, aged 17, 19, 20 and 22 since. Added to this is the fact that he has now set up home (December 2010, possibly sooner) with ow and her 4 YOUNG children. ow 20 years his junior, children range from aged 2 to 9 to AT LEAST 2 different fathers.
This fact absolutely breaks my heart because my children are all wonderful, hard working,decent and polite young adults who are all flourishing in their chosen careers, studies, relationships, hobbies and social lives, yet their father has no idea, and hasn't since the day he was kicked out, about ANYTHING that they do.
I try to reason with myself that ultimately it is his loss and not theirs and I think that it possibly bothers me more than it does the children but just lately I am really struggling to understand how a father can behave as though his OWN children don't exist yet is prepared to set up home with SOMEONE ELSES and be involved with them on a daily basis.
I would greatly appreciate anyones thoughts on this that might perhaps help me reconcile this in my head and heart and help me to accept that this is the way it will be.
Thanks x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think the psychologists call it 'compartmentalising'. Essentially, parcelling up certain more tricky aspects of life and dealing with them by pretending they never happened. Your 17 - 22 year-olds presumably disapprove of their father's actions? Maybe have questions they want to ask? Issues to resolve? If he doesn't talk to them, he doesn't have to explain himself.

My late FIL did exactly the same thing when he married a much younger woman with two children only, in his case, the mother of his grown-up children had died several years earlier and he was the only parent they had! They variously made efforts to stay in touch - some more successfully than others - but, because he hadn't been particularly well-behaved in the past, I think he simply found it easier to draw a line under the past and pretend they didn't exist. The new wife didn't help matters and encouraged him to focus solely on his new family and distance himself from the old family. Yes, it was his loss.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Having just looked up 'compartmentalising' I'm not sure I've defined it accurately :) I expect what I'm describing is called something else.

[TwllBach]

My father has done this. He and my DM split up about a year ago and, despite efforts of my and DB, he has just gone AWOL. Fair enough, I think he is a twat that doesn't deserve the effort that we made, but if he was a man worthy of the title 'father' he wouldn't have done it. Me and DB are around the same age as your DC, OP, and I know that we are upset by it, but what can you do? Nothing. We are old enough now to realise that it is his loss, even if it is hurtful.

[maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour]

I'm sorry for the situation you and your children have found yourself in through no fault of your own, it must be so difficult

I think it's hard to say really, why some men do this. I think some of them are callous bastards who only care about themselves, but I think there are others who do what cognito says and just go into a sort of denial

I have a friend who has done this and it continues to baffle me because in all other areas he is a lovely guy. When he split up with his wife it was very nasty, at first he continued to see his children but it got harder and harder, his ex-wife told the children everything that was going on they started to take sides (one to each parent). He says he saw that things were tearing them apart and so he decided to take himself out of the equation ago they could be happy with their mum and didn't keep having the trauma of being pulled two ways. Now I can see it was a ridiculous decision but he seems to believe he did the right thing so they could move on, he has now remarried and is an amazing dad, in fact he and his wife had a trial separation once and he continued to see the kids regularly and has often said he'd never make the same mistake again. His children are adults now and I can't see that they'll ever be reconciled and I think that's awful all round

Have your children tried to get in touch with him?not that they should have to of course, I'm just wondering if has decided they don't want him? It's such a horrible mess isn't it, at least they are so lucky to have you, and yes it really is his loss

[chocoraisin]

cogito you have it right if you're talking about psychological compartmentalisation - it's a defence mechanism against something called cognitive dissonance. Which sounds very complicated, but I'll try to explain...

What it means is that some people mentally 'split' their lives in to different areas, so that they can play out being the person they believe themselves to be more easily. EG, your ex is playing 'daddy' to the young children. He probably wants to believe he is doing this well. This belongs in the compartment 'I am a good dad'. Nothing is allowed inside this compartment that contradicts the belief he is a good dad, because that is hard to process (creates cognitive dissonance). Therefore, evidence of him being a shit dad is ignored - and sadly, that means his own children are ignored. He may or may not be aware that he is doing this. Sadly, he probably doesn't have much awareness and will probably have written into the script that it's in his kids best interest that he cut contact. He will have convinced himself in fact, that he has done them a favour in his own mind, because that allows him to put the horrible fact he has abandoned them into the 'good dad' box.

I am going through this with my ex :( in his case he has 'split' his life into several areas, work, his relationship with OW, his social life, and his children. (I've been written out of the picture altogether) The best way to describe my experience of witnessing this goes along the lines of 'never the twain shall meet'. His role in each area is distinct, he is often a completely different personality depending on the audience. This compartmentalisation can be a characteristic of people who have borderline tendencies. They have a tendency to put things into an 'all good' or 'all bad' box, and cannot have overlap (grey areas) at all. So, if XH believes he is a great partner (all good) any evidence to the contrary (me, and how appallingly he has behaved towards me) is literally blanked out, or put into another box where it's my fault and I become all bad. He splits his life on a practical level too, refusing to allow friends to meet each other, and has said to me it 'doesn't occur to him' to contact me re: our kids outside of the days he is meant to be with them because they are 'safe' (read, not relevant to him at that time) when they are with me.

It's utterly bizarre and I don't have any advice other than to detach, detach, detach. I'm sorry for what you've all been through x

[incomprehensible]

Thanks all for replies, food for thought. I am going to sleep on it and reply in more detail tomorrow. x

[springaroundthecorner]

Hi incomprehensible. I and my children are in the same boat as you and yours. Stbx has been gone since last August and has nothing to do with Dc's 26,24 and 16. There are no children - yet! - with the OW who is 29.

The responses you have had are very interesting and thought provoking but understanding why doesnt these men behave like this doesnt help the situation does it?

How I could have choosen such an appalling human being to father my children shatters me every day. To cast aside the pleasure and joy of a relationship with young people who anyone else would be proud to be associated with in order to protect yourself against feeling like a "bad person" is shocking beyond belief. I expect you feel the same.

My stbx has cut off everyone he can out of his life who has any association with his old life. He cant do this entirely because of work associations with one DC, and he pretends to work colleagues that he is in touch in normal fatherly fashion!! The DC concerned colludes with this which I think is terribly wrong but I dont know what to say about it.

Does anyone know if anything can be done. Has anyone known this situation to change? I strongly feel this is it, that these men will just get more and more entrenched in their positions and the relationships will never be restored.

[daffydowndilly]

chocoraisin I enjoyed reading your explanation, it describes what is going on in my ex's mind so well too, and it is heart breaking. On a level, it feels like a role in a game that I have to try so hard not to get sucked into. So am trying hard to detach and not start believing the fantasies where what he says and explains patiently, is so different to what he does and how he behaves. It is surreal and mind-messing. I am not so sure whether I feel more sorry for him or our children, but I get to wake up with them and cuddles every day and that is bliss.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@springaroundthecorner... I suspect in your case, being with a much younger woman means your ex can pretend he is a 'young man' rather than a 'good man'. Young men don't have children in their twenties so he is keeping the illusion going (to himself) by conveniently ignoring the fact.

In my FIL's case the grown-up DC's either kept making an effort or decided they were better off without him. The DC I was married to opted for the latter but I know he was really unhappy about it. FIL's new wife saw any attempts to force him to acknowledge his children as a 'personal attack' and the DC's all received nasty letters to that end. There was a little bit of a death-bed reconciliation very late in the day when he was dangerously ill for a time but they were never what you'd call close.

[GrossePopel]

I think going AWOL is fairly common in these circumstances. Your DCs obviously disapprove of his behaviour so it's your ExDHs way of dealing or not dealing with it, he scared and acting cowardly and it's his loss. I'm sure he thinks about them every second of every day but is too ashamed to speak to them.

[seaofyou]

I think the man sees it as....my wife don't want to be with me anymore then I don't want to know. In my case we left my abusive alcoholic df. I was youngest at 16yrs old only dc left at home. My df didnt ask for me and never paid a penny whilst my mum paid mortgage for 2 yrs until house was sold and rooms for us...she did 2 jobs ...I felt guilty and gave up my scholarship and A levels as was a finanical burden paying for a room for me (my mum never said this but in her 50s working 70hrs a week I felt awful) so I choose a career I could live in on the job.
I was contacted at 29yrs by my aunty when df was really poorly needing life saving operation. I went and saw him. He was fine...I lost my brother 6 months later he never bothered to see how we were (me and other 2 sibs). He doesn't know I have a 7 yr old etc he never bothered...at end of day he is df and should have made effort he didn't....his loss. It may hurt/upset you more as you are mum, but it will teach your dc esp the males how not to be a df, they are better off without this 'role model' in their lives, I know!

[newhorizon]

Has happened to me also op. I don't think it's that uncommon. Ex left when dd was nearly 4 and we haven't seen sight of him since - no maintenance nothing. He is now married to someone else, all within a space of 8 months.

Personally, I think there would be something wrong with me if understood why he did this, it is his own flesh and blood afterall. Surely it's natural instinct to have some sort of relationship with your offspring. He left dd devastated and she still asks (not as much now) when he will be coming home. God help her, she will feel the rejection when she's older, but I will support her like I do everything and you no doubt have supported your dc's.

Like you spring, all association has been cut off, including some of his own family. It's the guilt, they can't live with the reminder - so they think best to cut off.

You can only do what's best for your DC and support them, you can't make their father have a relationship with them. Everyone looses or do they?

[Lindt70Percent]

My friend's husband did this with his children from his first marriage.

My friend's husband was married when they met and they had an affair (friend was about 20 at the time, I think he's about 10 years older). He left his wife and married my friend. She had one child of her own when they met and they've since had 5 more children together. He's been a great dad to her son and to their children but she once told me that he had 4 children from his first marriage that he had no contact with. She never went into the reasons why and I didn't feel that we were close enough friends for me to ask (she's an old school friend who I've seen 3 times in the last 20 years!).

I remember saying to her how she looked exactly the same as she did when we were at school - size 8/10 figure, very beautiful but she'd had 6 children. She said that her husband wouldn't accept anything else (her words) and that it was always in the back of her mind that he had left his first wife for her. I'd been quite envious of her up until then as she seemed to have it all (huge house, lovely children & seemingly lovely husband). After that conversation I felt quite sad for her.

I feel very sad for your children but he is the fool who's missing out. Your children are missing out on having a decent father but I doubt they're missing the one they've got.

I've never had a close relationship with my father and feel sad for not having the kind of dad I'd have liked but don't feel sad about not being closer to him. Does that make sense?

[newhorizon]

I know what you mean. I suppose we don't always get what we would like.

As I said I don't think it's that uncommon for either Mum or Dad to abandon their DC's, but it's not spoken about. It's brushed under the carpet like a shameful secret. People don't know how to react to it, because a decent human person with core values can see it's wrong.

How can ow take them on when they know what they have done and it is very likely he/she will do again. My ex also abandoned a child 22 years ago, which I just heard about 2 months before he vanished...so now 2 children and dd has a half sibling which she knows nothing about.

Sorry I've hijacked the thread...

[incomprehensible]

Thanks again for replies, have for the second time lost my lengthy reply, was replying to each of you individually but don't have time now.
Definitely agree with the denial aspect, the complete cutting off of anything or anyone associated with previous life and family, STBXH has almost created his own new "fantasy" life where nobody actually knows anything about him, me or DC (apart from OW but that's a whole new thread!) I like to take comfort from my feeling that fantasies can't last forever though!
Especially helpful to get an abandoned childs perspective too, seem to think my DC feel the same and hijack away, any input is helping me immensely and hopefully anyone else in the same position.

[Inquieta]

my x is cut from this compartmentalising cloth too. And, another example of 'cognitive dissonance' perhaps, he refuses to pay maintenance because he reckons that by taking me in when I left him (I HAD to leave him because he was abusive) my parents he says "implicitly undertook to support [us]". He wouldn't accept that he is absolving himself of his financial responsibilities. In his book it's all the direct and natural consequence of my selfish actions, ie leaving him and 'splitting up the family'. All my fault. He definitely believes this. (He was abusive but I don't think he understands that).

[Annielove]

I completely understand where you are coming from, my husband left before Christmas to see ' other people' we also have four children similar ages to yours, lovely kids. He has gone weeks without talking to them until each time i get angry with him. The thing is, it shouldn't be me making him talk to them, h e should be desperate to. I think some men just don't have that heart wrenching love that most parents do. I would be doing everything in my power to see my kids,whatever it took and we just can't understand how they could not possibly feel the same. Time and time again men seem to do this.

[incomprehensible]

Hi Annie - can I ask how each of your children have dealt with his actions?

[Annielove]

Well they all say they don't care, but of course they do. My oldest son is very angry and says he doesn't care if he never sees him again. My second son feels really let down, he had a good relationship with his father before and i can tell he often feels sad but puts on a brave face. My twin girls who are 17 are very vocal and even if he tries to talk to them on the rare occasion he does, they are very off with him. It is so sad, he has been in their lives as their dad for 24 years and now can't make the effort. I hate him for that, he always said he had left me not them but he has left them. My daughter is in bed ill, he doesn't know! my other daughter has her first driving lesson tomorrow, my son has just been to New York... He doesn't know anything about their lives and it makes me just despise him for his selfishness