DH depressed and has moved out, says we need a break, any way to stop feeling heartbroken?

[SoundOfHerWings]

I've been lurking here for ages, and now I'm finally posting- I was hoping I'd never have to. I'll start from the beginning as hate to drip feed, sorry if it's long! DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for almost 2, and have a 7 month old dd. He was diagnosed with depression a few months after the wedding (new job and exams caused a lot of stress which seemed to trigger it), and that same month I found out I was pregnant. His depression worsened, he attempted suicide and was very ill, and I had a difficult pregnancy and so maybe wasn't as supportive as I could have been otherwise. I was also at uni taking my finals, and working at the weekends. It took all my energy to keep the house ticking over, sort out money, work and get to uni. He was signed off work for 6 months, and eventually lost his job. It was his dream career, and he's now essentially lost his chance at it- he's still devastated. But now dd is here, he has a new job, is much much better in himself and I am on mat lave until September. So things should be improving.

However- he seems to have become a different person since his depression. He had 12 sessions of CBT which encouraged him to look at his past and relationships etc, but he just seems to have taken from it that his depression is everyone else's fault. He has very angry outbursts, has been verbally abusive to me, throws things, has threatened to hurt me and is generally horrible to live with. He doesn't help with our daughter, or around the house- he watches her while playing on the X-box but gives her back if she fusses. If I ask him to do anything/try to talk to him about this I am apparently not being supportive, so I basically do everything on my own. His definition of support appears to be asking nothing of him and not expecting any help or support myself. He has been through an awful time, and is still not over it- it will take him a while and that is fine. But he seems to see it all as my fault, and gets angry with me. I have tried making it clear that his depression is not an excuse for calling me names, or behaving so selfishly but again that's me not being supportive. He takes no responsibility for anything. This leads to massive rows, which usually ends with him telling me he may as well not bother as he doesn't love me anyway, not speaking to me for hours, not helping with dd, ignoring us completely, and then a big apology, promises that he does love me and that he'll get help and it'll all change. He's better for a few days, and he is spending more time with dd since I made him see what a crap dad he was being, but things haven't really changed.

Today was another row- I told him his behaviour was selfish and childish and that I wasn't prepared to do everything while he played on the X-box and sulked and spoke to me like shit on his shoe. He threatened to leave- I told him fine then. He tried to make it my fault- 'see what you're making me do, you're making me leave you, I don't want to'. I told him it was bullshit. I was strong and brilliant and thought of what you guys would say and said it to him. And he left. Just before going he came upstairs and said he's sorry, but that we need to take a break. That he knows he's behaved awfully and he needs to sort his head out. I just nodded and ignored him, I couldn't even speak because then I'd cry and ask him to stay and I know he's right. He left, and then I sobbed for 2 hours. I'm a mess. This is shit. I just want him to come back and to be the man I married again. :( I'm hoping with some space and counselling we'll get through this, but I'm worried it's just too broken to fix. I don't know what advice I want really, just some hand holding- I don't have anyone in real life to talk to at the moment.

[MrsMcEnroe]

You poor love.

Is he taking any medication for his depression? Because CBT/counselling won't help him if he is going through a "low" period - it will just make things worse. He needs to stabilise his mood before tackling the demons. (Those are the very wise words of a lovely GP who I dragged my DH to see when DS was 2 months old and DH's depression had reached an all-time low).

CBT didn't work for my DH either. What "worked" was getting the medication right!

Will post more later but didn't want to read and run. I hope you're OK.

[oikopolis]

you are so strong and brave OP.

here's my hand to hold. i really admire you. your daughter will thank you one day for being the adult in this situation.

i am sorry to hear that your H has been through so much. it's not easy. but you know what, being depressed isn't an excuse for being a cunt to the mother of his child. i hope he gets himself sorted out, because he's the only one who can do that for himself.

you keep setting those boundaries to protect your DD and yourself. your job here is to remain healthy and strong so that if he recovers properly, the three of you will have the best chance of making another go of it.

you have done the right thing and i for one am very proud of you.

[Pan]

Questions?

-how old is he?

• did he want to be a father?
  

• does he treat everyone else around him so poorly?
  

Sounds like the 'problems' started well before your relationship, and he is blaming you for his inability to 'grow up a bit'. And this problem started well before your relationship..

[Pan]

He does sound like an angry fearful bully, from what you say.

[SoundOfHerWings]

Thanks. I am ok- I am quite expert at just getting on with things, it is one of my faults. I have a big glass of wine, mumsnet, and dd is asleep.

He is on antidepressants and his mood has been stable for months- that's what I don't understand, he seems to be better, he's nowhere near as ill as he was before. He's perfectly happy as long as he's doing what he wants to do- when he was depressed he wasn't happy ever. He just seems to be angry and bitter about everything that happened instead.

[Pan]

Does he have friends? Does he have parental expectation issues? His self-esteem concerns should not be projected on you and your dc, which is a classic trait of a bully ime.

[SoundOfHerWings]

Pan He is 23, and did grow up a bit fast due to family issues, and so did I- we married young, but were very happy. He is quite immature in how he deals with things though, and his family did not set a good example. He did want to be a father- our dd was very much wanted and planned. I think it was just an awful lot to deal with all at once. But i had to deal with it too, so that's not an excuse.
Yes, he does treat others the same- he's quickly annoyed and has distanced himself from most of our friends as he finds seeing them too stressful.

Thanks oikopolis.

[MrsMcEnroe]

Ah.

Well, to be frank - it doesn't look good, does it?

Presumably you want your husband to be an active, engaged partner and father. It sounds as though your husband is neither of those things and it sounds as if he is not prepared to make the effort to try to be either of those things.

The fact that he's turning it all onto you - "see what you're making me do" etc - makes him sound very resentful and I'm wondering if he resents the timing of the pregnancy as it coincided with the onset of his depression???

He is blaming you for something, that's for sure, even though it seems that his problems lie way back in the past and are nothing to do with you.

If he isn't prepared to face up to his problems and deal with them - don't let him come back.

How do you feel about separating permanently?

I'm really sorry for both of you, but the fact that he is ill does not give him the right to make you miserable.

AND you have to think of your daughter. In a few short months she will be picking up on the atmosphere between you and your husband, and in 20 years' time she will be posting about it on here in the Stately Homes thread.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

Please keep posting on here, you'll get loads of support.

xxx

[SoundOfHerWings]

MrsMcEnroe It's not harsh, i know it's true. My dad has treated my mum like crap for years, hence why there's no way I'm letting dd grow up with a dad who behaves like this. He does resent me, I don't think he even knows why. I'm hoping he will face up to things- he has made the right moves in the past, but never followed through. I'm hoping this is the kick up the arse he needs. I feel awful about separating permanently- I love him to bits and we both really want to make this work.

[Pan]

I think being faced with family problems early in life, and 'growing up quickly' having learned from them, are two very different things. IF he had a problematic early life, it sounds as if he hasn't learned from it and is acting out his frustrations and resentments on yourselves. Hence the 'well before your relationship' bit.

So, what is so loveable about him? and, how does he show/what does he do about wanting this family to 'work' other than platitudes and statements of feeling sorry? Suffering from depression sometimes comes with a degree of self-pitying, and thinking 'life' owes you much more than it is providing you with I'm afraid. It sounds like he is pre-occupied with what life isn't providing him with.

[Grockle]

Sympathetic hand holding from me. DP left 4 months ago

[JoanaM]

did his depression prevent him finish uni? maybe he feels that he has unfinished life goals and needs some structure in life.

[daffydowndilly]

Have a read of the "depression fallout" website chat room, lots of similar experiences there and very good advice and hand holding. Unfortunately. It is part of the illness, and doesn't mean you could have done anything differently, this is not your fault. What you need to do now is look after yourself, put yourself first and be kind to yourself. Start doing things that make you happy (get out and meet people, take up a hobby, do a course), work on your career, and future, and accept it may be without him. And that is not any reflection on you, you cannot love someone better.

[Pan]

I go for that 'you cannot love someone better', daffy. Be a sort of role model for problem solving maybe, but accommodating for their behaviour and attitudes is providing them with a licence.

[SoundOfHerWings]

Thanks for the hand holding everyone. Very unmumsnetty . You've summed it up perfectly- I can't love him better.

Pan I think you're right- my past made me grow up quickly, his past just gave him a load of issues he hasn't dealt with.

We've made a date to talk tomorrow- I'll try to get his side of things. I've had a look at depression fallout and sadly a lot sounds familiar. I know I've had a lot of walls up lately, probably since my pregnancy to be honest. I had to disconnect from him to some extent to protect myself and not go mad, but I think I'm finding it hard to let my guard down again- I keep expecting him to hurt me or let me down. So he is right in a way- he feels like he can't do anything right.

Looking at it logically, he is actually improving- he's been less awful this week than the week before, less angry this month than the last. But I think I'm running out of steam, each row and insult does more damage, so even though he's improving, if this carries on we won't have a marriage left by the time he's better.

I love him because I just do- he has been my rock since I met him, supported me through uni, been my best friend and honestly never let me down (before he was ill). I've lurked on these boards for ages, thought over our past for signs of this, but he was honestly never like this before he was ill. He would walk through fire to make me happy, we were planning a baby, and I thought he'd make an amazing dad. He's changed so suddenly- the man he is now is a total stranger, but I'm not ready yet to give up on him.

Sorry for rambling on, wine and sleepyness have made me thoughtful.

[ThePinkPussycat]

Sometimes meds can stop working, I think he should start with getting that checked out. Sadly, I have acted in a horrible way when depressed, I believe it was a bid to get the other person to understand how awful I felt. But I agree that mh issues are not an excuse for bad behavour.