A new relationship and Cancer.

[timmyleedances]

I have never posted before but I don't want to unload this in real life

I have been in a new relationship for around 6 months now. She is great and we were talking about her meeting my son who is 5. (I am a single and lone parent)

At 30 she has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Had to tell me over the phone (I am currently abroad for work)

Having just been diagnosed she is still deciding what she is going to chose (surgery wise) She is terrified, she saw her aunt die of cancer and her mother also has had breast cancer.

Her family don't live close at all (we are down south and she is scottish)

I don't know what to do
It is a very new relationship. She hasn't met my son yet.

What do I do? I really really like her but how do I manage and is it even the best thing to do (I feel horrible writing that)

[LisaD1]

How awful for her, she must be very scared and of course anyone would feel sorry for her.

I think, if it were me, I would continue the relationship if it was someone I really liked BUT I would not introduce my child at this stage.

If this poor woman is about to fight breast cancer the last thing she needs is contact with a child who in my experience (I have 2 children) bring home every single bug going from school! She is going to need to be otherwise well and strong as she has a fight on her hands. Also, I think emotionally it would be tough to get to know a child whilst fighting cancer, she is going to need to concentrate on that and getting well.

Not to mention that as a mother I would not want to introduce my child to someone who may not win the fight, as harsh as that may sound my concern would be for my childs emotional well being.

I hope she wins the battle x

[SoSad007]

My thoughts go out to both of you, as there are some rocky days ahead .

I think you need to sit down with her when you can both talk about the specifics of her breast cancer. In general, breast cancer has a pretty good prognosis these days. Having said that, each individual is differemt. Ask her about her specific case and what her Drs think etc, etc. At the very least, she is going to need surgey (of some type, as you've alluded to) and most likely, a stint of chemotherapy. You need to decide for yourself whether you want to be along for this journey at all, as a fully supportive partner, or something in between.

As far as introducing your son, I think that can be held off for a while, as you have mentioned that she is terrified. This probably needs to be dealt with first. Both you and she should do as much research in the area as possible to learn about her particular case, the positives and drawbacks of the therapies she decides on, how she get the practical stuff done post-surgery, etc etc. If she is that terrified, then she will need lots of reassurance. I am not sure how it is done in the UK (I am in Oz), but some cancer units may have a patient support group/trained volunteers or such who are there to support the cancer patient through their treatment - I think it would be worthwhile investigating this for her.

I wish you both all the best, as having come through cancer myself, I can tell you it is a tough journey, but one that is very possible.

[HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans]

Don't feel horrible. Cancer is a bastard and it is hard sometimes to deal with everything that goes with it. She has alot on her plate but may also want to keep things normal. But as tge first reply said it is important to reduce tge chances of illness. You don't say if she has children but there is nothing wrong with saying you couldn't forgive yourself if her passed on a bug.

Are you feeling like this is alot for you to shoulder? You mentioned her family are far away.

[timmyleedances]

No she doesn't have any children.
It is all so new, I haven't got my head around it

I'm not sure Hate sort of. A new relationship and all that?

But could I really turn to a woman who has been told she has cancer and tell her I don't want the relationship continue?
I know she will need so much support and -

I get about not introducing my son now but if I did give her support, how could I do that properly with him not knowing her at all?

[HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans]

It depends on Many things. Best case it will be over quickly without to much suffering, worst case it's and drawn out and she dies.

What sort of relationship do you have? What other support do you have?

Honestly are you thinking you can't do this? As in you would rather finsh with her or is it you don't know if you support her?

[timmyleedances]

Sort of Relationship? I would say we have a good relationship. She has been very understanding with my son and I do really like her (as in could see myself falling in love with her).
My support is great - my sister and her family live close by, my parents live 45 mins away, I have close friends here as well.
She only moved down around 9 months ago - so she has friends but not the history with them as I have with mine and all her family are all back in scotland.

But it would be horrible to finish with her just because she got cancer - wouldn't it? But I don't know if it is me not wanting to/can't do it or thinking that I wont be able to support her and then let her down.
because how would I support her?

[SoSad007]

Ok, so she has moved from Scotland about 9 months ago.

Are you planning to discuss this with her?

Does she want to stay where she is presently and have treatment?

Or would she prefer to go home to family and friends and have treatment there?

A cancer diagnosis itself is extremely traumatic and she may want to be around her own family and friends during this time. Not to mention the level of support she would recieve amongst her own.

As far as finishing your relationship goes, only you can tell. Many people find the 'c' word hard to deal with, and its well recognised amongst cancer sufferers that some of them will lose many of their friends and even some family members over it. Many people find that dealing with the idea of mortality difficult. Only you can decide whether you still want to be in her life, and the extent of your involvement.

[timmyleedances]

Thing is I don't know if I could be that guy who doesn't stick around just because of the 'c' word - if I did walk away what sort of person does that make me?

I'm abroad for about a month so I suppose I have that time to get my head sorted. I have no idea what she is planning ie back to family and scotland or anything.

[ToothbrushThief]

You can get support for yourself McMillan

Try and analyse why you feel this way. I'm guessing you feel obliged to some sort of commitment which ordinarily you wouldn't be ready for at this stage in your relationship.

[thelittlestkiwi]

timmy- when did you get the news? It sounds like it may be quite recent and you haven't had time to talk to her in person yet. I'd suggest taking each day at a time at this stage and see what she wants and decides to do about treatment. Don't beat yourself up with the 'what if's' at this stage. Just try to be as normal as possible.

Breast cancer is quite a varied disease and some sorts have a 90% 5 year survival.

[timmyleedances]

No kiwi only spoke to her for her to tell me. Which was christ - yesterday.

Yes Tooth but then at the same time as thinking that, I think that I wouldn't be able to give her the support she will need anyway but then if I can see myself falling in love with her then wouldn't it be foolish to end it with her over her being ill?

I'm completely knackered but know I wont be able to sleep tonight.

I don't know anything about cancer or have any experience of cancer. What happens now she has been diagnosed? Do people always have chemo and radiotherapy?

[Gigondas]

Sosad is talking a lot of sense - I wouldn't introduce your child yet . Also I think diagnosis is the worst time as it is such a horrendous shock. It is possible (and indeed days is frequently the usual outcome) to be treated for breast cancer but it is a long difficult road both emotionally and physically.

I can't answer what is right thing to do for your relationship ultimately but if you can try to be there to support her - listen, Hand hold or whatever that will mean a lot.


It depends on grade and size of tumour what treatment is . If she has only just been diagnosed then may not yet know what is on offer.
Please feel free to come and ask questions here - its a cancer support thread( not just for breast cancer) but lots of experience of people undergoing treatment and who are out the otherside tamoxifen

[ledkr]

Op I had breast cancer when i was 27. I am now a ripe old 44 and still going strong.

I was married at the time and had a double mastectomy with reconstruction. It didnt bother my dh one iota and we still had an active sex life.

I was divorced and then met my now dh who is younger than me and the physical thing has never been an issue with us either.

If i were you i would tell her that you are still going to carry on with the relationship as you would have if she hadnt had cancer.

Try to still do all the fun stuff and take her mind off what is going on.

When you have bc and the treatment for it you dont become a weeping wreck.I still had a social life and fun and friends and dinner and sex and got pissed and had holidays,i was just a bit sick on some days and went to the hospital a lot in between.

However if you are doubting that you can handle it then man up and move along but if you fel that way i doubt it was ever going to go anywhere either.

[Gigondas]

Agree with ledkr- my life still going on as I am coming to end of treatment .

I would just caveat as said in my earlier post that this is prob worst as you do think the worst ESP if you have known people who have died/been very sick with cancer .

And do point your Gf in direction of here or macmillan as online support saved my sanity in the early days post diagnosis.

[SoSad007]

Just a disclaimer firstly, I'm not a Dr, and nor have I ever played on on TV. I do have some professional experience in healthcare though. And of course, I'm in Australia so some of the healthcare stuff could be a bit different.

What happens now she has been diagnosed?

Well if she has been diagnosed, I would assume that she has seen a breast surgeon, and they have done a biopsy to confirm breast cancer. As you mentioned, she is trying to decide what kind of surgery to have done. She will probably need to decide very quickly as they tend to whisk cancer patients off to the operating theatre very quickly. Usually cancer surgery is proritised over other types of surgery, particularly as she is young.

Do people always have chemo and radiotherapy?

In most first world countries these days (US, UK, Oz, Canada etc) breast cancer patients tend to have chemo after the surgery. There will probably be several rounds of chemo, depending on the seriousness of her cancer. I think she will probably have hormonal treatment of one type or another as well. Again, depending on the seriousness of the breast cancer, she may or may not have radiotherapy at this stage, it may be reserved for if the cancer returns.

As to where she is at the moment, she may be running a gamut of emotions, anything from disbelief and numbness, to extremely upset and highly emotional. Things move very quickly for the cancer patient initially after the diagnosis, so it may be best if you discuss all of this with her to find out what her circumstances are. I know that when I was diagnosed, I had to lean a lot on family and friends for quite some time. Even if you can be a concerned friend who visits, takes her cooked meals, calls her, take her out for coffee when she is well - that will mean a lot to her.

All the best.....

[timmyleedances]

Thanks sosad and gig (I will try to mention it to her except the woman hates computers - she hates even using the programmes that would make her job easier)

Hopefully I will be able to speak to her tomorrow morning (which would be evening in the uk) I suppose we will get to properly talk then, I don't even know what stage she is or anything (spent the last few hours online reading)

led being honest sex hadn't even crossed my mind. not that I couldn't handle it but rather that I would let her down by trying to (on the relationship front)

"i would tell her that you are still going to carry on with the relationship as you would have if she hadnt had cancer" I see that I do but if we were/are at the stage of her being introduced to my son and moving forward with that then how do we carry on like we would have with her having cancer, what with the concensus of you all that I shouldn't introduce my son to her?

[Gigondas]

When things have calmed a bit on diagnosis , maybe discuss with her about meeting your son. If it was the next step then it's not unnatural to bring it up but in context of how she is feeling about her treatment.

And although the kids/people in treatment thing holds true about bugs, you don't get much option to avoid when you have children of your own so I wouldn't let that completely bar meeting up. Just use common sense on meeting up if your Gf is in treatment and vulnerable - just like most people would if visiting a newborn or similar.

Also please don't Get too upset about what you read on Internet - some of info can be out of date/not relevant (as sad explained there are lots of different types /stages) so it is probably not too helpful to over refine on what you read without speaking to your Gf about what her drs say.

[ledkr]

sorry timmy i didnt mean to imply you were selfishly thinking of sex,i just thought it might ressure you. I cant see why she cant still meet your son tbh,if thats what you had planned before.She wasnt going to start mothering him just meeting him,id still do it.
Dont forget that ^most* of us do survive.
Im happy to swap e mails if she needs to talk it through.The issues are very different for young women and it can be hard to find anyone who understands that.

[Gigondas]

I thought your post was good ledkr and completely agree about the younger woman element of it. With that in mind (bearing her net phobiA) I find the us based site livestrong very useful as Macmillan whilst wonderful doesn't have as much for younger people and the particular issues they face.

[thegreylady]

I have had breast cancer. Please,if you are a decent bloke don't end your relationship. If you need to you subtley alter it so you are there as her friend. Over the next months she will need a friend more than a lover and will want support and a shoulder to cry on/a listening ear. If you end the relationship you will destroy yet another aspect of her life. She is so young the poor poor girl.

[nkf]

She might be wondering if she can carry on a relationship with you now she has received this diagnosis. I think, if you can, you should calm down and get some sleep. And try to talk to her in person. Good luck.

[ledkr]

Thanks Gig

Btw,I have also gone on to have 3 more dc since my tretment. Just in case that helps anyone.

[BarbarianMum]

Thegreylady has it right. If you fear your new relationship can't handle this pressure (entirely fair enough) you can still be a supportive friend.

[BackforGood]

Breast Cancer is really, really treatable nowadays. No, it's not always the case that you have chemo. Each person's treatment will be geared to treat the cancer that person has. She will no doubt be feeling scared and vulnerable right now. People deal with that differently. Some people like everyone around them to carry on as normally as they possibly can. Some poeple don't like others to know. Some people prefer everyone to know so they feel more spported. We are all different. Her treatment plan will be unique to her. I know this is really hard if you are not even in the country, but what I wanted when I had my diagnosis was a great big hug, and then to 'get on with' my life. I didn't really want people changing their lives / actions because of my diagnosis. Well, OK dh and ds were due to be away the weekend I had my surgery and they cancelled that, but, generally IYSWIM.