Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

ex partner using our son to threaten me

15 replies

hiddenhome · 20/04/2012 16:15

ex partner phones up to speak to ds but then uses this time to pass on threatening messages about taking me to court etc. ds is a teenager.

OP posts:

Report

JustHecate · 20/04/2012 16:17

He says these things to your son, for him to repeat to you?

I think you should see a solicitor with a view to going to court about this yourself! It is unacceptable for him to do this to your child. Very damaging.

Report

hiddenhome · 20/04/2012 16:21

Yes. He tells him this. He has regular contact and there are no issues about stopping contact or anything. It's just petty stuff, but he uses court to threaten me. It's putting ds in a terrible situation. ex partner is a vile thing.

OP posts:

Report

sugarice · 20/04/2012 16:24

Does he also do this when spending time with ds?

Report

hiddenhome · 20/04/2012 16:25

He's having a ballistic meltdown because I don't send clothes with ds because ex partner has a history of keeping them. I receive £5 child support here and there (only when I nag the CSA). I receive absolutely nothing else for ds and support him myself as I work. ex partner could easily buy a couple of pairs of trousers/tops but doesn't see why he should. I can't afford to keep replacing clothes as I only buy ds bits as he's mostly in school uniform. I'm now being threatened with all kinds just because of this. It's ridiculous. Other fathers battle for contact and this wanker has it and still isn't happy.

He's using my telephone line to phone up and threaten me via ds

OP posts:

Report

hiddenhome · 20/04/2012 16:26

He constantly tries to turn ds against us sugarice. He's always done it, I'm used to it. The boy is almost 14 ffs, the court order only has another two years to run then that's it, ex partner can't do anything anymore. He needs to just crawl back under his rock. He's a control freaking psychological bully and nasty, nasty, nasty.

OP posts:

Report

hiddenhome · 20/04/2012 16:26

and he craps his pants!

OP posts:

Report

JustHecate · 20/04/2012 16:39

awful. Just awful. Don't underestimate what that can do to a child.

Does he make your son repeat these things during the telephone call? Because if so, I'd be taking the receiver from him and replacing it and saying that is going to happen every time you abuse your contact time with your son in order to harass me.

Or say "yes, please do take me to court, as soon as possible. I want to tell them all about how you use your contact time to tell our son to say these things to me. I look forward to going to court. Please make it very soon."

I realise you probably want to avoid an escalation of the situation, but truly, it's not in your son's best interests to have to deal with his shit.

Report

Lueji · 20/04/2012 16:47

I'd seriously consider going myself to court about this.
At 14 the court is likely to listen to DS.

Can you record those conversations?

Ex started doing something similar and upsetting DS (7). I told him that I'd start taping the conversations (and I did) and told DS to cut it off when he started being upset.

I have also kept telling DS to tell his dad that his problems with mum are to be addressed directly with me.

It has got better.

Report

TheHappyHissy · 20/04/2012 17:51

Record his threats.

Stop access and make him take you to court.

Do it.

Lueji is right. (again) :D

Report

Smum99 · 20/04/2012 19:53

Agree with other posters, don't be afraid of threats for courts, if he has access then just let him proceed..he will look foolish infront of a judge.

Re clothes - why not email your suggestion that he has clothes as his place due to items not being returned in the past. Then don't have any further debate on it. The only factor that could change this is your son's opinion. As he's a teen he might prefer to have his own clothes with him when he visits his dad. Does your son enjoy time with his dad?

Report

hiddenhome · 20/04/2012 20:07

Can the court force me to send clothes with him? I'd prefer it if ds had his own clothes, but I just can't afford to replace them. It will cost him more in applying to court for a hearing than it would to just buy a few things for ds. If he buys them in a large enough size they'll last a couple of years. He's in joggers here that I bought him two years ago.

OP posts:

Report

hiddenhome · 21/04/2012 14:26

Apparently, ex partner has told ds that it's his decision as to whether or not ex partner take me to court! My fate lies in the hands of a teenager How nasty is that? It's like something Nero would have dreamed up to torment his wife.

OP posts:

Report

Lueji · 21/04/2012 14:39

I suppose all you can do is reassure DS that it's not his decision, and that even if it goes to court you won't blame him, and that court is an impartial methods of obtaining a decision because mum and dad can't agree.

My 7 year old can see who is the unreasonable parent. Yours can too.
Just don't play ex's game and ensure that your actions are just to protect your DS.

Report

TheHappyHissy · 21/04/2012 18:01

This is direct guilt tripping of a child. This is harm. This is abuse. Stop contact immediately.

Explain to your DC that his dad can't do this, that he needs some people to explain this to him. When he's had it explained and is prepared to discuss all adult aspects with you directly and not him, then contact can resume.

Make it clear that the pressure he's placing on his son is not appropriate, and is another way of hurting you. Explain that your job is to oprotect him and guide him when people with unhealthy agendas try to get power buy trickery. If he has any questions you will answer them, but for now YOU will deal with his dad directly, until he understands how he's supposed to do this.