Need help & advice - should I leave emotially detached H??

[locochica]

I really need some advice on my marriage, H and I have been together for 3 years, married for about 18m and have 5m old baby. Things were amazing until we got married and I felt that on the honeymoon H had withdrawn from me. I found out months later that it was because his father hadn?t shown at our wedding and he was upset. I?d thought this was prob the reason but on hm he said it wasn?t so I spent 1st part of our marriage feeling like my H felt he?d made a mistake. I got over this but 4 months later he started to completely withdraw from me, didn?t want to spend any time with me, wouldn?t make plans, no hugs, kisses etc. This coincided with him taking voluntary redundancy to start a new small business so we did have some financial concerns. However this complete detachment has been going on for over a year now ? I spent all of my (planned) pregnancy feeling totally unloved but put a lot down to my hormones. After baby was born H had just started new job and wasn?t allowed any time off but when he got home from work if I asked him for a hug etc he would get angry, this has hurt me so much ? I was with new baby (early, very jaundiced and wouldn?t feed), scared, living in a remote spot where none of family could get to me. I have read other threads on here concerning partners like this and I could have written them so I won?t repeat everything here but basically in last 4/5m things have gone from bad to worse, we?ve had numerous horrid arguments because I am so sick of the fact that none of my needs, thoughts, wants etc are valued. One example is that shortly after findout out I was pregnant I asked if we could go through our finances and work out how we could save for baby and manage on my SMP. We still haven?t had this conversation ? anything that is important to me is NEVER considered. I get no support, emotional or practical. I recently went through H?s bank statements and over past year he has been spending hundreds of pounds a month on junk food, cigarettes etc while I?ve been cutting out vouchers and cutting back on non-essentials while we go through this lean financial period. Pointless, given his behaviours.

H has recently started to play with baby however he very rarely (4 nappy changes in a month, 2 feeds) actually does anything useful, practical or offers to give me any time off. Since having baby I have had 6 hours to myself. He however, has every day to do as he pleases ? I should probably mention that the f-t job he started when I had baby, after 6wks he decided to do p-t hours, no discussion with me. I thought this may have resulted in more assistance with baby but no. He has only in past week come back into the same bed as me and I?ve forced him to pop babies dummy in at 4am when she wakes. He huffs and puffs about this because he ?needs his 10 hours sleep?. No concern for how tired I may be. On days off work he lies in bed huffing that were making noise and pulling the duvet over his head until I take baby out the room. Never gets up and helps and only offers to do it all on two occasions that I?ve forced him to.

I had a very difficult pregnancy in the sense that I was sick morning, noon and night from 7 weeks to 6 months. I had to have 8 weeks off work, during this time I spent a lot of it in bed and I would go the whole day without him popping in to see if I needed anything i.e. glass of water. During this time he was retraining for new career following redundancy so I just made excuse after excuse why he was busy, needed to concentrate etc for reasons why he couldn?t walk into the next room and check I was ok...

When we first got together we were a complete team, did a lot together i.e . exercised, played, talked, planned, did practical boring stuff etc etc. In past year we?ve done nothing. Except for 2 day break which I booked and fought with him to come along. We spent 1st night not touching in bed, not even a quick kiss and H wanted to come home next day because I got upset and ?argumentative?. After 2nd night first thing he said was lets get packed up and go home. I wanted to stay all day and drive in the evening so I suggested a compromise would be stay until lunchtime then leave, I also suggested we started drive back and stopped at beach/pub for lunch on way. But no...we sat in car and traffic for over 6 hours instead. Just another, tiny unimportant, example of how anything I wish for isn?t even considered. H?s way or the highway...

H agrees that he isn't particularly emotional, thinks emotional men are weak. He also doesn?t think he?s got any issues ? when he clearly has. Few months back I told him last chance was to go to Relate. He didn?t want to go initially but did in the end. Counsellor said he?s emotionally detached and has serious intimacy issues. She did get him to agree that the way he?d been acting was hurting me which is why were arguing. We had 4 sessions and I felt we were getting somewhere then H announced he was going to ?self-counsel? and wasn?t going anymore. He doesn?t know this but I had one more session on my own to try and clarify my own thoughts about the state of r?ship? counsellor said she didn?t think I?d ever get my needs met from H.

Making love used to be really intimate and sensual, but since baby we?ve only had sex 2 or 3 times and the last time there was hardly any eye contact. Other than this, there is no intimacy - no hugs, kisses, affection, attention or communication. I did plan to make love to H on recent mini-break and think he must have decided the same but when it came to it it felt so alien to be touched by him I felt so peculiar I had to stop it. He didn?t really seem that bothered though and once again there was no more physical contact, we couldn?t just hug then. H does tell me he loves me but it?s more like a habit, like saying goodbye, rather than any emotion behind it. Usually he just says ' course I love you' if I ask. However, there really is no evidence of this love. There used to be more, little cards, love letters, thoughtful gifts (not just expensive ones, even free things but that showed he was thinking about me) but since we got married it all stopped.

H has shown me repeatedly that whenever I really need him, (death of grandfather, illness during pregnancy, new baby, concerns about work/money, recent illness of grandmother) he will not or cannot support me. He totally withdraws and will not hug, kiss, listen to me. He is totally thoughtless and I?ve begun to realise recently, totally self-centered and unbelievable selfish. He recently said that because he doesn?t go out drinking that he thinks he?s ok?! And because he occasionally does a half-hearted washing up he ?helps me?. Until recently when life is normal and I don?t need any support then I have forgotten these facts, however since having my baby (feels like I?ve had a baby, rather than we?ve started a family) I have begun to think about the example I am setting for her. I don?t think it is acceptable to show my daughter that her needs, wants and worries should be dismissed by your partner and that you shouldn?t say anything or get upset in case it makes him angry. I should probably point out that I?m not scared of my H, he has never been violent to me. Mostly when we have arguments it is me talking and crying while he sits there sulking like a teenager, staring into space before eventually walking off or being dismissed by me only to avoid me until he feels better when then he wants to forget everthing. We have never resolved one issue we?ve ever had because of this. I am now in a position where I am so sick of being rejected and hurt that I don?t even want to hug or kiss or talk or comfort him. I am simmering with resentment that I have supported him time and time again but never have the same courtesy back. After begging and forcing him to spend time with me, including for our 1st wedding anniversary, I have now stopped including him in my plans. Before we had baby I said I wanted us to have date nights etc and he agreed but since before baby he won?t commit to any time with me, but if a friend says lets do X on X he books that in no problem. I used to ask him for help and try to make him see what his neglect was doing to us but I?ve now given up, I do EVERYTHING by myself and I don?t expect anything from him. He thinks that because we?re no longer arguing its all fine. Its not, its worse now. I don?t think H realises that our marriage is hanging by a thread and it will require serious effort to fix. I?m not sure he even has the capability to realise or do anything about it.

I feel so lonely sitting on the sofa next to my husband. I used to be so happy i went to bed with a smile on my face every night, now I rarely smile. I have been diagnosed with PND and am taking AD?s however I?m not sure it is PND ? I am happy when I?m with my baby, friends etc and just have hollow, empty gut-churning feeling in my stomach when with him. This feeling is starting to diminish though and I am starting to feel hard inside now, this in turn makes me sad and I?m finding it harder to engage with baby because our marriage problems are starting to feel overwhelming. Not that my H would have noticed! For the first time in my life, I actually feel a bit sorry for myself, I am so tired of not being cared for or looked after in any area of my life, ever.

H says he likes spending time with me, talking to me etc but won?t do anything with me ? even come for a walk with baby is too much hassle. I feel that we are two people living separate lives in the same house, he thinks we spend loads of time together. I am finding it increasingly hard to be around him, we never do anything as a couple or a family and when we do we bicker.

Having said all this, H isn?t a bad guy, he?s loyal, reliable, honest, says he?s trying to be a good dad and H and I?m pretty sure he?s not doing any of these things that hurt me on purpose. He?s also very funny and really makes me laugh when I can relax enough around him (rarely nowadays). However he doesn?t fulfil any of my physical/emotional needs and more importantly now as I don?t want to be touched anymore, he STILL doesn?t value any of my worries/concerns/wants etc ? its is always seen as me just ?nagging or moaning.

I don?t know what to do ? I?m not scared of being on my own but the enormity of breaking up a family feels overwhelming, however at times I daydream about what mine and babies new house will be like... I also keep hoping things will change, but my gut says they won?t. I think H may be depressed and I gave him a deadline of this Fri to go to docs and ask for ADs and counselling ? he agreed (after I had walked out for 2 days following a very public episode of his emotional detachment which was embarrassing and noticed & commented on by all) but now is starting to back-track..I honestly don?t think he?ll go. I could make the doc apt for him but I don?t want to keep spelling out to him what he needs to do to save our marriage I would like him to just get it now, although I doubt he ever will.

He has no real attachments to any family, or despite have friends from primary school no real attachment there, all previous relationships have ended because he has pushed them so far away in the end they?ve not been able to take it and have ended it. H refuses to deal or confront anything in his life and as such it?s a bloody mess in all areas. He tells me he is more organised and better on his own but I suspect thats not true.

I've been depressed, angry and miserable about this for a year or so, and its getting worse. I am so lonely in this marriage and becoming more indifferent and hardened to him each day. I even read the other threads to him on here and even though I cried while reading them, his response was that it was just the age old difference between men and women and then made lots of jokes about it.

Has anyone had same experience and come back from this to a happy relationship? Or anyone left and can offer any advice??

Sorry this was going to be a short post...:-(

[gingermcflea]

I was married to a man exactly like this. He could be your husband's twin. I have received so much support from MN. See my original thread here -
Unhappy in my marriage - DH emotionally detached. There's some really good advice in it.
You've done everything you can. You can't change him. And from what you're describing, he isn't emotionally capable of being in a real marriage of the kind you're looking for.
In my case, my XH wouldn't change in anyway. I know now he probably can't, but it was incredibly hurtful that he wouldn't even attempt it.
I ended the marriage. Like you, I couldn't bear the idea of the separation, but knew living without him would be okay. It is. My children are fine and I'm a better mother without the anger and misery of the marriage. And you and your children will be fine too. You might, like me, find that your DH is a better father out of the marriage. And that you get more time to yourself.
It's a hard road with two fairly awful options as you see them now. But only your DH can improve things if you stay. And if he's not keen/able, then you need to pick the other path for the sake of your sanity and your children.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied; this is no marriage for either of you is it?. I would seek legal advice asap regarding all aspects of separating from him.

He will not change; perhaps this is why you have stayed to date but you're completely miserable within this marriage and he is not bothered at all and takes no responsibility for his actions.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships as well; this is no ideal model at all for any child to follow is it?.

[SophieNeveau]

He may not be able to change. It sounds like he hooked you in with an act he can't maintain.

[GoOnPitch]

Ok this guy is emotionally detached. You've had a counsellor you said that you would never have your needs met by that man.

So the only way for you would be to find other ways to have your needs met, to reduce some of them (like expecting some practical support in raising your child) and learn to live like that.

Would you be able to? Do you love that man so much that you are happy to stop seeing some things as important, even though they are for you now?
So for example, if having a cuddle with your H is important, would you be happy to live with a man that will never ever give you a cuddle?
If being a partnership in raisiong your dc is important for you, would you be happy to know that your H will never help raising that child, that he will never change a nappy, look after dc whilst you are out with friends, play with him?

TBH, in my marriage, I've had to accept that some of my needs would not be met. That my H will never be able to do some things that are important to me. But I love him and he is still able to meet a big part of my needs. Do you think it's the case for you? Is he meeting any of your needs, such as providing financial stability, providing emotional support, practical support in any areas of your life?
Do you love him?

If I was you, I would do my utmost to look after myself, find friends, get some support in RL. Then look at the situation again with a bit less desperation. And leave.

[locochica]

Thanks so much for these responses, I agree with all of you. Gingermcflea its very reassuring that you've left and are happier - I strongly suspect I'll be the same if thats the decision I make.

GoOnPitech I have asked myself these questions, what I could and couldn't live with and affection and quality time together are hugely important to me. I could live with his messiness, disorganisation, inability to make plans or decisions etc IF I had affection and atention but when I don't have those I have nothing. I appreciate that noone is perfect but he doesn't provide financial stability, emotional or practical support in any areas.

ATM - re the legal advice do you think I should see a solicitor now? Being only on SMP I don't have huge amounts of spare cash available at the moment....is there anywhere else I can get legal advice from?? I am in a less than ideal situation because my name is not on the title deeds of the house , despite us buying together as our family home, because it is partly owned by a trust left by his late mother and they wouldnt let me on the title deeds - not a great start to a marriage!

I think I probably do already know what I need to do, I just need to make that final decision, which feels so hard at the moment. I'm possible waiting for a big event to force me to leave, but that probably isnt going to happen, and I don't want to wake up in 20 years time realising I've been this unhappy for that long...

[GoOnPitch]

You can have a free 30 minutes meeting with a sollicitor. That would be a good start to help and clarify your ideas.
You could also see a couple of sollicitors to see which one is the best for you and ask them different questions which will help you get a better idea of where you stand.

The part of the house that is owned by a trust will always go back to the trust and you won't be able to have anything from that side. If your DH owns the rest, then you are entitled to half of it.


Also have a look at what you are entitled to re child tax credits etc... You might be surprised.

[izzyizin]

Look for a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour initial consultation - post on the Legal board for recommendations and for advice specific to your situation re the marital home being partly owned by a trust.

As things stand at the present time you are, as you've said, 'two people living separate lives in the same house' and to that extent 'the enormity of breaking up a family doesn't apply as he doesn't behave as if he is part of a family.

[swallowedAfly]

personally i think you need to get out before this hurts and damages you anymore or impacts on your dd's life. i think you know this.

you've given him allsorts of chances, tried things (that he gives up or backs out of), made clear what you need, etc etc. nothing changes.

i'm sorry but i can't see how you can compromise so far that you get nothing that you need at all. i think you need to move on.

[locochica]

Thanks for all of your help. We've decided to separate, I hope we can do it amicably and remain friends

[swallowedAfly]

bless you. i hope so too - hope it can go smoothly and you can remain friends and coparents but be happier and able to move on in your lives. good luck!

[SophieNeveau]

I hope you can do it amicably.

[locochica]

Thank you, fingers crossed! :)