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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Going to RELATE alone

21 replies

notasheep · 08/02/2006 14:58

Success stories please

I am going without dp and without him knowing

OP posts:

Report

mistressmiggins · 08/02/2006 19:39

no experience but just wondered why you're going alone and why you havent told your dp?

hotmama · 08/02/2006 19:44

I went by myself a few years ago when I wasn't getting on very well with dp. Helped to sort my head out - now sorted and happy! HTH

Pagan · 08/02/2006 19:54

I went alone for the initial meeting. It was supposed to be the two of us but DH refused to go. I felt I got a lot off my chest and became more focused. Sadly that particular relationship ended but not acrimoniously.

notasheep · 08/02/2006 21:43

Like hotmama,really need to get stuff in my head sorted out.
Dp can be told if and when.........

I really need to get to the bottom of my brain and make some decisions without being rash

OP posts:

tuppenceworth · 08/02/2006 21:52

My mum went years ago after she found out my dad was having an affair. He refused to go. The counsellor gave her the confidence to ask my dad to leave and that it was unacceptable for him to expect have his cake and eat it.

I've never heard a bad report about them. Good luck love!

notasheep · 09/02/2006 21:29

Found out today the waiting list is only 2 weeks,then they can offer me a slot once a week for however long........

Dp out tonight thank goodness

OP posts:

emmawill · 10/02/2006 23:07

Like pagan and tuppenceworth said you might end up ending your relationship because what they will do is give you strenght and make you realise what you want and it might not be your dp you might want more than he can offer but either way hopefully you will find want you want and you will be a lot stronger.

Best of luck hope everything works out well for you.

notasheep · 11/02/2006 19:48

emmawill-thankyou,i am being really positive about this relate stuff.I need to make such a big decision,hopefully they will help me with that.

Do think i demand too much of dp and would be better if we didnt live together

OP posts:

Alipiggie · 11/02/2006 19:53

Good luck notasheep. Having issues of my own and wish i could turn to relate right now. From what I hear they're great and really help you get the courage of your own convictions. Something i could do with too.

emmawill · 12/02/2006 01:08

notasheep - why do you think you demand to much of your dp? I hope counselling will make you strong again and then hopefully it will either take your relationship to a new level, men find strong woman very sexy or you will be the one walking away.

You go girl and best of luck.

notasheep · 12/02/2006 16:29

emmawill-i want the same free time as him!
I do actually feel very strong,and maybe that is a problem in itself.

A work colleague suggested i wanted to be in control and that that was the reason for selling my house.

Expecting a call from Relate anyday now.
My brain feels like blancmange.Thankyou for all your support.

Im feeling positive whatever the outcome

OP posts:

emmawill · 13/02/2006 21:19

Thanks brillant sounds like you won't need many sessions and you seem like a strong indpendant person.

Hope all your wishes come true

emmawill · 13/02/2006 21:22

p.s i meant "thats brillant" core you say your brain feels like blancmange think mines just checked out of the 'not a hope in hell' hotel and there's no room in other hotel!!!!!

IvortheEngine · 13/02/2006 21:37

Hi notasheep. How are you? Glad to hear that you have got something to aim for. I think it will help you to talk although I haven't got any experience of Relate, sorry.

I know that my dh is dreadful in some ways that I want him to be good i.e. I told him on the phone tonight that tomorrow is Valentine's day (he's away) and that I'm expecting a big bouquet but I was joking as I know he's not a romantic (although he can do the giving of flowers bit as he did when we were going out) and I know it's not him to remember these things. He barely remembers his own birthday, for example. I think you just need to evaluate what you have and what you want to have and then decide if he can give you enough of what you want to give your relationship a chance of succeeding in the future. I accept my dh's lack of romance and stuff 'cos he is good in so many other ways, but for you, I think you need to decide on whether the pros outweigh the cons and if he'll improve if you lay it on the line so that he knows it's buck up your ideas or you're out time.

Sorry, I probably shouldn't post after a glass of wine! Will preview and post only if I think it makes some sense!

notasheep · 13/02/2006 21:55

emmawill-I think i am too independant sometimes!

Ivor-your post really touched a nerve and ive ended up all upset.
Last year I supported a girlfriend who was dying and during it she was trying to support me with relationship advice.And it was get a piece of A4 do 2 columns: Pros and Cons and see where you are after that.
She is dead now,and thats another reason for really trying to sort this out,we arent on this planet for very long.

Listen,you have not upset me ok.I am still dealing with this bereavement

OP posts:

IvortheEngine · 13/02/2006 22:04

Okay, notasheep. I understand, honestly. I have lost loved ones and it is hard and sometimes it becomes terribly raw once again. You can't set a timescale and say you should be over it by x months or years. I'm sorry you have lost a good friend. Gosh, I don't know what to write, now. It is worse when you're dealing with something that they would have been there to help you with, I know. Please, give yourself time to talk, time to cry and let others help you as much as they can. I'm (and other MNers perhaps) are no substitute for your good friend but I (we) will help a bit if we can. And I can say truthfully that relationships can turn around. I know that to be true. Take care, Ivor

emmawill · 14/02/2006 21:40

Hi I've just read your posts am so sorry for your lost, now i see why you want to go to relate by yourself, I reckon its best to as breavment is so hard to come to terms with and maybe some of your problems your're experiencing with your dh is like a displacement of emotions I mean we all take things out on those closest to us sometimes. Like Ivortheengine said relationship can turn around when my dd was 3 months old I found my dh had cheated on me serveral times including when I was 7 months pregnant, we weren't married then and there was a lot of things happening in our relationship which I won't go into as its really very boring but I did a list of pros and cons and I decieded that the pros outweighed the cons and we got married had a ds and I can't be more happy things can happen and as you said life is too short not to give things a go.

MeerkatsUnite · 15/02/2006 08:52

notasheep

Have you considered contacting CRUSE re the bereavement of your friend?. They could also offer you support.

Many apologies if you've already thought of this.

notasheep · 15/02/2006 16:51

I think maybe i should be contacting CRUSE and not Relate first as I have actually lost 2 girlfriends in a year.

OP posts:

notasheep · 15/02/2006 16:53

Im beginning to get this now,2 friends deaths have now had a knock on effect to relationship with dp,does that make sense?

OP posts:

emmawill · 15/02/2006 17:10

Yes of course it does hun, bravement is a very presonal thing and unfortunally we live in a country were unless its the death of a immediate family member we're excepted to just get on with life, but its not so easy and its can come out in alsorts of ways and your dp probably will get the brunt of it all. I think also being a strong minded independant person you might not find talking about problems that easy espeically if it was yours friends who you use to talk to. Problem is men just are no good at listening they can't talk the place of girlfriends.

Good luck

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