Can someone please tell me how to let go of this resentment before it kills my marriage?

[Mandymoo]

I have built up a huge resentment towards dh over the last few years and am scared its going to end our relationship.

I also think he resents me - one of us cant have an hour to do something for ourselves without the other one making some sarcy comment and getting all hung up about it. For example, dh plays footie every saturday afternoon but I get all "well, i dont get time to have a hobby!" about it. I HATE BEING LIKE THIS!

I've turned into a nagging, miserable old hag of a wife since becoming a mum and i cant get out of the habit now!

I had a lie in this morning (am 27 weeks pregnant btw!) and when got up at 9.00am dh was all grumpy like he'd had to look after dd for a whole week on his own or something! Then i get all pissed off cos i think i deserve one lie in a week with being pregnant and working and having a 3yr old to look after and so the cycle continues.

Any advice (other than for both of us to grow up) on how I can turn things around before we end up hating each other?

TIA

[BudaBabe]

Is it just the time issue that causes the resentment? You say it'be been there for a few years.

Would you and your DD doing something on a Sat pm help. Something that you look forward to. Maybe meeting another "football widow" for a play in the park or whatever. Or take it in turns to visit each others houses if weather not great - are there any friends with children? Maybe then your DHs could come home togtether and you could get pizza or something and make an occasion of it?

[Beetroot]

what are the things that really get to you mandymoo?

How would you like things to change|?

[Mandymoo]

I want us to not see being a parent as a chore and having to do it in "shifts" iyswim - dh lets me have a lie in, then i have an hour with dd, then dh does something with her - we rarely spend any time together as a family - maybe thats says alot.

Basically i dont want to resent him anymore and if he wants to have an hour off to spend on the computer, I dont want to make an issue out of it like i am atm.

He is a teacher and works most evenings which doesnt help - i spend most weekday evenings on my own once dd goes to bed.

The on sats he plays footie - which i really dont want him to give up as he needs something outside of work. BUT when it comes to it i cant express myself in this positive way and i just moan and nag and moan and nag!

Sorry - i'm not being very clear about the issue here - its hard to explain

[Beetroot]

can you both put aside a night a week that is just for you?

can you tell your dh things that you love about him?

Count to ten when you get cross

if you strat doing it maybe he will follow.

thank him when you get up after alie in and give (for example)him a kiss

[Mandymoo]

Beetroot - thanks for your reply.

I honestly have tried what you've suggested and every morning i tell myself that today is going to be different but then he'll say something that hits a nerve and the sarcy comments start all over again! As for putting aside one night a week - not possible atm as we're having a huge extension and are spending lots of time sorting that out. Tbh, we're in quite a stressful situation atm but this has been bubbling away for 3 years.

[Beetroot]

you can give yourslef a couple of hours mandymoo. even if you stay in (better going out) YOu have to keep on trying and keep on counting to 10. write down why you love him, get him to do the same. Cook anice meal and sit togetther with tv off and chat...

You are tired so give yourslef a break

[Mandymoo]

I know you're right Beetroot - i have long, drawn out conversations in my head about how i'm going to change things but in reality it just doesnt happen!!

[colditz]

Mandymoo, sounds like our house. To be honest I have come to the conclusion that we just don't like each other any more, which is why we can barely be civil to one another.

[dexter]

mandymoo, you are in a stressful situation so your problems are understandable. My dh and I have just come out of a very stressful time and I can't tell you how much better things are between us. Hang in there.

If I were you I'd write him a letter. So much easier to get it all down, and there's no instant response which can start you on the downward spiral of 'comments!' I'd write down all the things you love about him, what you love about him as a dad, all the things you'd like to do in the future with your kids, and some things you'd like to do when they've grown up and left home! Say that you are sorry that there's this atmosphere between you and that you want things to be nicer - can he suggest anything?

Don't know if you think this might help? I know exactly what you mean about 'shift' parenting - you do it because you want a few precious moments 'off'! All I can say here is that our son is nearly four and this has gradually changed - he's (usually!) a little 'chum' and we talk, chat, play and together, because it's fun. I guess this may take more time for you because new babe will put you 'back' a while, but in time things will be less work and more fun.

Best of luck

[BudaBabe]

Totally understand what you mean about the shift thing - we were the same and I hated it.

DH still goes off for an hour to himself on the computer - but since I found MN I do the same!

It used to really bug me that we had this child between us but parented seperately. DS is now 4.5 and it has changed a bit. He and DH love playing Playstation together and we have started watching movies together.

Would you feel a bit better if you conciously did things more as a family - playing games or something? Our DS loves this and while it's not exaclty riveting playing board games at his level, at least we are doing something as a family.

Don't know waht to suggest otherwise. I too have huge resentments against my DH for various reasons which do seem to flare up from time to time and I wonder what the hell I am doing with him. And then I snap and he snaps back and so it goes.

[doormat]

if he has his sat footie cant you have a couple of hours on your own doing what you want to do, ie pictures, meeting up with friends etc

also set some time aside each week as a family and
time with you and your dh

[scatterbrain]

Hi - me too !!! Feeling really p'ed off at the moment - h expects me to look after dd all week, do the shopping, washing and organise the house and everything that goes with it - and then at the weekends he expects me to give him "time out" as he is tired ! He gets really angry with dd when she bothers him and really sulky if I should dare to suggest I have an hour off to go shopping on my own !

This morning he has thrown a wobbly because I didn't want to go to the park with them to watch dd ride her bike !

I am so fed up - I work full time too - but he will never give me any ME time and resents it if I need a lie in or an hour to do my stuff !

Really feeling just now that I would be better off leaving him - at least then he would have dd at weekends so I would get some time to myself !

[fairyjay]

My children were 16 months apart, and the first few years is hard work - although I loved them to bits.

I used to feel very much that we worked on a shift pattern, with this on-going competition of who worked hardest - I have always worked fulltime btw.

Now they're older, it's so much easier. The children are good company (most of the time!), and we are far more inclined to do things together as a family.

Those first years are knackering though!

[weewilliewinkie]

hi,
resentment was eating away at me too for a number of reasons. Becoming parents didn't change anything, actually it probably made things worse - as one other mother said to me just after I'd given birth - 'your life has changed forever; your husband's can pretty much carry on as usual'. This really bothered me and I started feeling really peed off all the time that it was me doing everything for the baby all the time, while he got to go out, socialise, get drunk, lie in....anyway, ds is now 2 and I've had to just let it go. We've come to more of an arrangement with regards to childcare - dh will now let me lie in, have a bath, whatever, while he looks after ds on the weekend mornings. I had to get my resentment at his social life under control. The fact is that he really hardly ever does go out, it was just that when he did I was so jealous! I used to go out!
Anyway, after a major argument about it all, during which he was saying that if things didn't change we were heading for separation, I said to him that from now on I wouldn't bother if he was going out. I wouldn't give him a hard time, I wouldn't be sulky the next day and freak out if he stayed in bed...in return he had to promise never to call me a nag or say I was henpecking him! I couldn't stand those comments!
So I've had to stick to it. Now when he says he's off out I relish the fact that once ds is in bed, I've got the house to myself, I can eat what I fancy for dinner,watch what I want on tv, I can wallow in the bath, and I just make a point of enjoying the peace and quiet. And the next morning I don't say a word. So I guess my advice is to put a smile on your face, rise above the bitterness and sarky comments, be the better person - even if you don't feel that good inside when you first start doing this, eventually you will. It takes time to change your behaviour, and hopefully when your dh sees you acting kindly he'll return the favour.

[Beetroot]

how are you doing today?

[Mandymoo]

hey there - not so bad today thanks although yesterday dissolved into a bit of a mess

I just always feel that dh doesnt appreciate what i do (god what a cliche!) - he works full time and then has to mark books ect in the evening. He doesnt see what i do - ie, look after 3 yr old dd, work part time, oversee the house extension, try and carry our baby full term!! Because i dont appear to work the hours that he does, he thinks i sit on my arse all day drinking coffee!

Having said all that i'm feeling sligtly more positive today. We will see how far that gets me i guess!

Thanks for your concern - it helps to come on here and just get it off my chest XX