Where do I get my emotional support from? Ideas please.

[arabella2]

Hi
I have 2 kids and a 3rd one on the way due in March. The kids are 4 and almost 2. Dh and I have had a rough year with each other. Things were better recently than they had been in the summer, but have recently taken a dip again with 2 days of arguing, where amongst other things I have been called a "boring old woman" and told to buggar off (I am 37, he is 12 years older). I feel sad about lots of things between us. He is very stressed through his work and has been for a long time due to lack of money. He is affectionate to me only if not stressed so that might be once a week, but not this weekend as we have been arguing. He is very affectionate to the kids all the time and I am afraid that I am jealous because in many ways he treats me like a co-worker... Anyway, I have tried to explain all of this to him but obviously I have my faults as well and things that I do that aggravate him - also, he is extremely uncompromising and sometimes verbally unkind though can be quite a loving person. Anyway, to cut a long story short - leaving is not really an option because a. things might improve if I can get into a different mindset and b. the kids and c. where the hell would I go and how???
So what I have to do is become a much stronger person but without relying emotionally on dh at all - how do I do this? My family live abroad but come to visit and stay in their flat nearby every 6 weeks roughly. Dh's family live about 2 hours away and we see them for a weekend about once every 5 weeks. I have a friend who lives across the road whom I have been talking to but I cannot dump everything on her. Otherwise I see two other women with kids but on a much more casual basis. How, at this late stage in pregnancy and tied down by two kids who often have colds etc... so you can't even go out, do I build a network of real friends that can help me to feel alive and loved and not to be so needy of dh (which I think scares him off).

[Alipiggie]

Hi Arabella2 What is it about men when the kids come along. My DH and I are also having a rough patch and I'm getting no emotional support from him either. Thank god for small people and their kisses and cuddles. We emigrated last october to the US so thousands of miles away from support network of any kind. To be honest I've recently thought s*d him and got on with it the usual boring day to day things. Do you have a mother and toddler group nearby you could go to. I found that really helped me in times of dire need. Counselling is also an option - we're thinking about it. But you could go on your own and talk through how you feel. People swear blind that it helps them. Anyway Mumsnet seems to be great channel for talking about how you feel. It's helping me at the moment and I'm sure lots of people will help you. If you what to chat via email to me you can, just let me know. Time difference unfortunately. Keep strong. You can do it.

[arabella2]

Thanks Alipiggie - yes it would be nice to email - I will get Mumsnet to send you my email address. I definitely have to do more mother and toddler things etc... but sometimes get bogged down my how tired and kind of unloved (by dh) I feel. Even though the kids are very cuddly, I miss that kind of contact with dh. I don't think he does though and therein lies the problem .

[catsmother]

Arabella, I really sympathise with what you're saying. My own mother is and always has been utterly (and deliberately) useless at offering any emotional support; she's one of those who gets very obstructive if you try and talk about anything (not necessarily personal to you) "heavier" than the weather, your holiday or what's on telly. So no support there ...... I've gone through a number of crises in my life and she's ignored me for months on end, to avoid having to talk about stuff, and believe me, she doesn't know the half of it.

My DP, on the other hand, gets a huge amount of emotional support from his family. In fact, it sometimes makes me feel uneasy because I think he reveals far too much of our business to his mum. He also has a best friend (plus others) dating back to schooldays, so has quite a few people to "turn to" if needs be.

I don't have anyone (apart from DP, and, depending what's on my mind, that's not always appropriate) to offer me emotional support. I've moved a lot in my adult life for various reasons and as a single mum until fairly recently, constrained by finance and babysitting, lost touch with lots of people (who were once very close to me, and with whom lots of close experiences were once shared - in both directions) as it became practically more and more difficult to see them. I've found that even if you were once very close to people with a mutually beneficial "confiding" type friendship, some of that ability to be frank is lost if you don't see them very much.

I'm now in the situation of having moved - again - just over a year ago, and apart from being on nodding terms with near neighbours know no-one here. I have a 2 year old toddler (and am a SAHM, who works evenings and weekends F/T hours for crap pay) but am reluctant to go to mum & toddler groups ......... reason being, if I'm honest, is that I'm actually scared of making friends. I know that sounds really stupid but what I mean is that I have so much crap going on in my life right now (no money, huge ongoing problems with DP's ex & kids, us working our socks off just to keep afloat, us being ships that pass in the night, no "us" time, let alone "me" time, our relationship hanging on by a thread really due to all this, health problems etc) and I am frightened that I would come across to anyone friendly as far too desperate !

That may sound silly, but isn't it natural when you start to get to know someone to ask about their homelife etc. and I either lie and pretend all is well, or else I dump all this stuff on some poor woman who only thought she was coming round for a coffee. When you have longstanding friends, like DP, or understanding family, they can usually take this on board, having known you for ages and understanding your background. But I refuse to put so much "pressure" on someone "new". I myself have been in situtaions before where I've been friendly to people I hardly know and next minute am getting their life story in graphic detail ..... whilst not unsympathetic, it made me feel awkward, not knowing them, not knowing what to say ..... and I am simply terrified of coming across like a desperado myself.

Having written all that, I know that I'm in a viscious circle. I don't have a "confidante" now and will never do so unless I get out there and start laying the foundations of what would hopefully evolve into longer and closer friendships. Trouble is, I do feel in "desperate" need of someone who cares enough about me to "listen" NOW - not in a year or so. It's very very soul destroying to feel more or less on your own like this and I hate it .....

..... But really don't know what to do. It's something which is often on my mind and which in itself depresses me (I don't think I am depressed BTW, just incredibly fed up about my current circumstances). I get very down thinking about how past friendships seem to have slipped through my fingers and spend a lot of time questionning whether I could have done more to save them (don't think I could, the loss of my friendships really were largely down to practicalities) ..... all I know is that I really miss having people in my life who I could call whenever, and about whatever, I wanted (and them trusting me to do the same).

Sorry ..... seem to have somewhat hijacked your post, and haven't really offered any answers. It just obviously hit rather a raw nerve with me. I know exactly how you feel ......... your last sentance really summed it up "How ... tied down ... so you can't even go out, do I build a network of real friends that can help me to feel alive and loved ?"