I'm homesick

[Longdistance]

Didn't know where to post this, but it's to do with our relationship, as well as living abroad, and it's my 1st post, so be gentle on me :)
We now live in Oz, and I really hate it. We've been here 4 6months now, and I really am missing home. My father was ill over Xmas, and I was beside myself with worry, as he had a mini stroke. He had a big one about 12yrs ago, but recovered well. I'm at home with the children and dh wants me 2 be sahm.
Idon't want 2 stay at home as find it boring. I do take the children out swimming classes as they are still young. We go 2 playgroup, and dd1, 2and half goes 2 nursery.
I was homesick over Xmas and New yr, and dh was a complete shit over it. He really didn't want 2 understand. He on the other hand is happy as a pig in shit here. He's met ppl, and his career is going well. I am not happy at all, and am finding it difficult 2 adjust 2 this massive change.
When the opportunity of Oz came up, dh was an absolute pig 2 me, and decided 2 ground me down when I was pg with dd2. I said I didn't want 2 go. He was impossible 2 live with, and put lots of pressure on2 me, til I caved in.
I am on maternity from my job in the Uk, and am not due back til end of June. But, I have 2 give my job up 4 this move, that I hate. I need 2 come back 2 the Uk 2 quit as have a few things that need sorting at work. But am really thinking I'm gonna regret it. As I have the move here 2 Oz.
I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss my job, and several other things.
I ahve made no friends here at all. I see mums at playgroup, but I haven't made 'friends' with them as such. All I see is my dh family all the time, and I'm fed up with them as one oof his sisters is ignorant.
I told him yesterday that I was homesick, and his reply was 'shall we have egg on toast 4 dinner?'
How do I get back control of my life????
Sorry 4 the long post, and I think I've left stuff out lol!

[dreamingbohemian]

I'm so sorry, this sounds miserable

You say your DH wants you to be a SAHM -- what's that all about? Surely if you want to work, and can work, you should? It would help you make friends and feel less isolated.

[savoycabbage]

Hi, I am in a similar position. My dh railroaded me into living here by taking a job here without even telling me!

I have been here three years now. Like you, my dh is as happy as Larry. He has a great job that he loves. His like is pretty much the same as it was before. Well better, as he doesn't have to share me with my family or go to weddings etc. that he doesn't want to go to.

My youngest has just started school so I am alone now. I am a teacher by profession do I am looking at going back to work, but this is easier said than done. Not only am out of my depth with the curriculum and stuff (not that there is a curriculum here) but with no family here at all there are many practical difficulties.

I have made a lot of friends here because it was sink or swim for me. I treated it like dating.

Someone told me that the first year was the worst and that made me feel worse rather than better as it just seems like such a long time.

Where do you live?

[1950sHousewife]

Hi Longdistance,
Sigh. I understand your pain and send many hugs.

I am also in the same boat. We've moved to a country where i don't speak the language, where mums go straight back to work (so no toddler groups even!) and I can't start to work until I've done tons of exams and learnt the language.

Again, DH very happy as he speaks the lingo and has a job to go to every day, so instant friendships.

It's hard, isn't it? And homesickness is like no other. It really does make you feel sick.
Is your Dh Australian? I'm getting that feeling. If he is British I would seriously consider talking to him about returning home. I think within a year you know. I know this because we lived abroad somewhere else last year and I was in love with the place after 2 days and knew i could settle there. This place now? Not so much and I'd be back to the UK like a shot if I could.

Really, talk to him. Was he so very unhappy in the UK? How much have you packed up your lives? Are the kids happy?

Good luck.

[Thumbwitch]

6months is the worst period. Absolutely the pits. I got over it by going home for 3 weeks (had to, I'd mucked up my paperwork and left half of it in the UK at my Dad's and couldn't do my tax return without it).

Sounds like your DH is Aussie, as is mine. I am also a SAHM but that was partly my choice because DH was taking me away from my business and from my employment.

If your DH is Aussie it sounds like he has been pretty selfish about putting his own and his family's wants/needs above yours and your family's - are you happy to accept that? Doesn't sound like it.

My DH has family here but no friends - well none that have been of any use. Having DS has saved my bacon, by forcing me to go out and join playgroups and other activities for him - I have been here 2 1/2 years now and can say I have some good friends here but I still miss the UK and I still go home every year.

I would also suggest that you ask to have this moved to Living Overseas, as you might pick up more traffic from other expats who are over here.

As others have asked, where in Australia are you? There are quite a lot of expat MNers in and around Sydney and NSW that I know of; and there are quite a few in Melbourne, Brisbane and Adelaide - don't know about Perth, I know there's at least one over there but not sure how many more.

But I will say again - just now you are in the absolute worst period of the experience - it may improve after this time, and if it doesn't then you seriously need to re-think the situation. I would also caution you though that if you do consider leaving without your DH (not sure it's come to that for you) that you will find it very difficult, as the divorce laws here are pretty hard on you not taking DC out of the country without OH's consent until they are 18.

I really hope you find some resolution - even if it's just a part time job or some charity work - or your DH sorts his pig-headedness out and listens to you instead of ignoring your entirely valid concerns.

[Longdistance]

Hey, just been out with the girls 4 their swimming lesson, and we all had a much needed nap (I don't really sleep :( ).
We live in Perth, but sorry I should have said, he's British. The only family he has left in the Uk are his mum and dad, even his sisters emigrated.
My fil visited recently (but he's not my family iygwim), my bessy bud of 30yrs came with her fiance, and when we parted in Melbourne (went 2 the Gand Prix, well dh and df fiance did) I was absolutley gutted. My bf is godmother 2 both my girls.
I will need 2 go home soon, but dd1 has ruined dd2's passport by scribbling in it. Little monkey! So need 2 get a new one.
We're not permanent residents here. We are on a 457 visa, which runs out in 2015.
We said we'd give it a yr. But now I think this is 2 long, as at the age of 36, very well travelled, I know what I like, and what I don't like.
Dh does seem 2 get carried away. Tbh, I think he said yes 2 the job b4 even asking me, hence the pressure he laid on me about upping sticks.
It is career development 4 him, as it's a transfer.
Our life b4 was pretty much similar. It hasn't improved in any way (not 4 me anyway), he used 2 do long hours back home, and still is here, and at least he could wrangle a working from home day, whereas he can't here. And he gets less holiday (Xmas is included, and public holidays), so when I go home 2 the Uk I'll be doing it on my own with a troublesome near 3yr old, and a baby of a yr.

[Longdistance]

We pretty much have the same life as b4.
I feel really gutted that I have had 2 give up so much more than him, and he's happy, I'm as miserable as.
He has 2 be the most selfish self centred individual I know. He doesn't support me emotionally. Rarely helps with the children. He gives me an allowance 4 housekeeping. It isn't enough, and doesn't last all month. I've been taking out money from my UK bank account which is my maternity allowance from my work 2 subsidise his measly allowance he gives me. I had 2 really push 4 a joint credit card. He won't let me have a joint account with him, and I think he's using some of the money 4 gambling with shares.
He spends a lot of time on a forum, dedicated 2 buying/selling shares, YAWN!
When I was pg with dd1, he decided 2 spend waste £2000, on shares without consulting me, and he had the gall 2 question me, why I spent £7 on blinds 4 the car!

[izzyizin]

It seems to me that this is considerably more than you being homesick down under.

Do you want to stay married to 'the most selfish self-centred individual' you know?

If not, I would suggest that you book a one-way ticket home and look to divorce him.

[Mumsyblouse]

Longdistance, there's so much going on in your post, I wouldn't really know where to start, as all the things that are happening to you are the reasons I would hate to move abroad.

I just wanted to say though, that plenty of women don't want to stay home, especially if your youngest is 2 1/2 and in nursery. Getting a job is a way of meeting people and keeping life interesting for you (for some, staying home may be interesting, personally I was glad to go back to work). Can you work in this country? (I mean legally). You were obviously working before to get maternity pay, can you work in a similar job? What exactly would your husband do about it if you went out and had a job interview?

Apart from that, things sound so bad with him, I would seriously look into returning to the UK as a single mother. You would have to accept the marriage is over though.

[Thumbwitch]

Having read your updates, I'm also not sure why you want to stay with him - he sounds really inconsiderate and selfish.
I think perhaps booking the ticket home and just staying there might be the way to go if you're really hating it that much. He can stay out in Australia until his visa expires and then see if you have a marriage left when (if?) he returns to the UK.

[1950sHousewife]

RIght, this puts a new spin on things.

Go home. Enough already. You've tried, it's not worked. It doesn't matter if your DH is as happy as larry, if you are miserable then it's not good. I really believe both people need to be happy to make emigrating work. And as this was only meant to be a short term thing anyway.
As I said, I knew in my last foreign place, before meeting friends or anything that this was a place I could fall in love with. If you are still not feeling it then it's going to be a struggle.

Your Dh sound like, to put it politely, a controlling tool. He wants you to be a SAHM, but is controlling with money and doesn't listen to your opinions?
Personally, I would go home quite quickly and let him see out the last part of the year there without you. Perhaps he will realise what life would be like if he lost his family from being an idiot.

Good luck.

[Longdistance]

Hey, thanks 4 all your replies. Basically, I don't really need 2 work as he earns really good money. But, 2 me that's not the point. I've always worked since I was 16, and was nice having this maternity leave as a break from work, and having my own money is important 2 me. But, now I want 2 go back 2 work. it's like my job back home didn't matter, and wasn't important. I haven't even been given the chance 2 do the job part time, as it's HIS dream we're chasing. When the subject came up at Xmas about me not liking it etc, he tried the 'we're doing this 4 a better life 4 the girls', which I knew he would say, and snapped back at him about that.
We've rented our house out, as that was a deal.
Hoping 2 go back in July/August as have leave after my maternity leave iygwim, and really can't see me coming back

[ninedragons]

You need to make a decisive move before it gets messy with regards to custody and children. Homesickness is the least of your problems.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole. If I were you I'd make sure we were divorced and back home before the PR visas were even on the horizon, or else you'll find yourself stuck in Perth until your children are adults. And beyond - once they've grown up in Australia they will be Australian, and if you go back to the UK they will have no reason to relocate with you.

[izzyizin]

He 'earns really good money' but he's a tightfisted, selfish and self-centred, controlling git?

This man needs a mega boot up the arse wake-up call.

He may be of the opinion that 'we're doing this 4 a better life 4 the girls^ but I'm of the opinion that they'd be better off without him as a role model.

[Longdistance]

I would leave asap, but dd2's passport is ruined, and we need 2 get a new one which will take 6wks :(
His whole family are a bunch of tight arses. The sil I think is ignorant, has not bought one gift 4 any of my girls, even though we've always given her boys money 4 Xmas/B'days. I keep telling dh that we need 2 stop giving the boys money, but he won't listen. He might as well ignore everything I say. They're 18 and 16, so not little. He wanted 2 invite them 4 Easter dinner, I said no as my bro is coming 4 a month on the Monday, and need 2 sort the house out. She's as cold as a wet fish. She lives in a massive house 2, so not poor.
His mother trawls charity shops, and the amount of shit she has bought my girls that has ended up in the bin. Like second hand knickers 4 dd who was being potty trained. WTF was that about? She'd sold one of her houses so wasn't short of money. Rant over lol!

[izzyizin]

I find meanness the biggest turn off as being mean with money invariably indicates a person who is mean in mind and spirit.

Do you have an option to pay extra for a priority service to get your dd's passport replaced so that you can travel back to the UK with your bro?

[Thumbwitch]

How badly damaged is her passport? Are you sure it's unusable? I would have thought that if the ID page itself is relatively unscathed (and it would have to be a newer one, so the page would be covered in plastic, my DS's is and he's 4, had it since he was 10mo) then it would still pass muster.

[savoycabbage]

If you are going back for a visit in July then that's perfect. You can look at not coming back.

[izzyizin]

Due to the vanity of Lord Coe & Co Olympics, won't you have to pay top dollar to get back to Blighty in July?

[Thumbwitch]

At the moment (and I only know this cos I looked it up for the BRidezilla of Bridezilla threads) the cost of tickets from Australia to the UK is standard for the time of year this July. However, I don't know how much that will change nearer the time, so probably a good idea to book them now!

[izzyizin]

Hah, I thought as much. I reckon they'll be giving flights to the UK away at the long suffering Brit taxpayers expense come July.

Anyone with any sense will get the fuck out of away from London and won't bother to watch the debacle spectacle on tv.

[Longdistance]

Lol! I work 4 an airline so get discounted tickets. No worries on the price. The passport is defo ruined. Dd1 scribbled over babies face on both the main photo, and the one that's imprinted on paper (it's a new style passport), and also on some of the empty pages. I don't think they'll be able 2 rush it through, it's all standard here 4 passports.