MAJOR wobble - please come and hold my hand, or slap me...

[kathrynthegreat]

I am in urgent need of the collective wisdom on MN. I have been with my partner now for 4 years and he has never left me in any doubt what so ever that he would be unfaithful. He is completely open about his phone being out on show, his email being left open etc. He does delete all his texts but I put that down to him being a bit OCD on the organisation front rather than anything more sinister.
However, of the last three relationships I have had (the only three relationships I have had) all of them have resulted in me being cheated on. Most recently five years ago when the father of my DD cheated with a colleague whilst away with work when DD was a year old.
I have really worked on my insecurity and this has been greatly helped by the fact that my DP isn?t suspicious in any way. I thought I was in a good place and that I was okay now.
However, I have just been flung back down in to the pit of insecurity and despair.
DP recently started a new job (coincided with me putting on a bit of weight because of a bit of a saga with my contraceptives so my self-image is a little low at the moment any way) and mentioned the people on his new team. He ran through the names (male and female) and then he said one name (we?ll say ?Katie?) and I just knew that he fancied her.
Now, I may be mad (happy to admit it) but on every other occasion with previous partners I have known when something was going on. There is something in the air when the name is mentioned. I have never been wrong. I?ve never confronted it ? because how can you accuse someone of saying someone?s name strangely!? But somewhere along the line, my ssuspicion has always been confirmed.
So, I know that even if he does fancy her, that doesn?t mean he will cheat. But based on probability, he pretty much will.
I tried to put it to the back of my mind but a few days ago we were talking about me giving him a lift to work one day and he said ?Oh it?s okay, I?m getting a lift? and in the way he said it I just knew it was her from the way he said it/ the way his eyes moved etc. (even though he works with around 50 other people) I asked who he was getting a lift from and yes, it is her.
So naturally () I?ve found her photo online today and FUCKING HELL - worst case. She is beautiful. Not as in leggy and blonde and obvious but worse - as in, very young, trendy, slim, tall, elfin hair, cute face, gorgeous make up, quirky dress sense which I just know he loves? And basically I?ve just had to go and be sick.
He?s been going on recently about being bored with his wardrobe and has bought some new stuff that makes him every inch the attractive, successful, intriguing older man that I would have gone all predatory on at her age.
In my mind he has cheated already. I can?t get the thought of it out of my head. I have already mentally caught them at it and left him, packed up my DD and left. In fact I am actually crying and shaking as I write.

I can?t tell him how I feel. It?s ridiculous.

I?m so damn ANGRY at the men who have made me like this.

I hope that someone out there has some wise words for me? something sage and meaningful please? (or a slap round the face?!)

[kathrynthegreat]

Ha, just reread my explaination of how he has made me think he wouldn't be unfaithful - like it's all about mobile phones and email He also appears to fancy me, a lot. We have a great sex life and he isn't letchy in any way towards women. I beleive he has a good opinion of women and respects them which would lead me to think he isn't a cheater.

[Tiago]

You can tell him your fears you know. He sounds like a good partner, and so would want to know how you feel. Hopefully talking it through might make you feel more reassured.

[DreamingofSummer]

Talk to him, this evening, and tell him about your fears. If you don't your insecurities might be severe enough to drive him away. It may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Wrongbow]

You poor thing :( I think you should have a chat to him, but making sure not to accuse him of anything - just tell him how your previous experiences have left you with terrible insecurities and this new girl is bringing up bad feelings for you. If he is a decent man he will be concerned that you are so upset.

In all likelihood she has a boyfriend already who she is besotted with and wouldn't dream of looking at your DP in that way!

[kathrynthegreat]

I have always been told that insecurity is deeply unattractive and I guess I am worried aboutthe self fulfilling prophesy thing.

I really don't feel I can tell him. This me isn't the me he knows at all.

[pinkyredrose]

The problem isn't him or this girl, the problem is your self esteem. It's unfair to judge this relationship by your past experiences.

Talk to him!

[Wrongbow]

But if you don't talk to him, this will eat you up inside :( And that will affect your behaviour and he'll know something's wrong.

Does he know you've been cheated on in the past?

[kathrynthegreat]

My best friend has just told me that no woman would put up with a 41 year old man with OCD, a mental ex-wife and spoint teenage daughter the way I do so I'm okay

It helped, for a minute.

[SquishyCinnamonSwirls]

Talk to him and tell him about your fears! Explain that you trust him, but your self esteem is a bit rubbish atm and it's making you worry.

[kathrynthegreat]

He does know, yes.

But I've always made out that I had dealt with it. I thought if i kept projecting that then it would come true and I thought that it had. But in reality it was jsut waiting to rear it's ugly head as soon as the next "other woman" came on the scene.

[PooPooInMyToes]

Mmm i agree with tiago, talk to him.

I started your op ready to give you a little slap for being silly but i know what you mean about the way a name is said.

That though, doesn't mean he'll do anything about it!

I think you should be honest and tell him that you can tell from his voice/expression that he is attracted to her. After all you've had experience of these things and know what it looks like. You can tell him you've seen her pic and that you dont blame him for finding her attractive, she is just his type and yes she is beautiful. You shouldn't be accusing, just honest and ask from him the same back.

If he is a goodun then he shouldn't mind you asking and the fact you've looked her up. He must know you well enough to know you are not usually paranoid and what you've been through in the past.

Being attracted to someone else isn't the end of your relationship, its what he does about it. Quite often we are attracted to people but quite soon realise they are not so great. At the moment all you can judge her on is her looks and her style. He won't know much more yet either. Perhaps she's a twat!

[Wrongbow]

Honestly, tell him that. Tell him you thought you were OK but this has brought those feelings flooding back. If he cares about you he will try to understand.

[21YrOldMan]

I know this is MN, so this'll probably be laughed out the room as it were, but it is actually possible for men to find other women attractive and not do anything about it because they love their wives...

Talk to him, or else you will lose him. Insecurity is unattractive, but nowhere near as bad as starting to behave weirdly without giving a reason and refusing to communicate.

[kathrynthegreat]

Thanks all. No such luck on the twat front poopoo apparently she has a "great sense of humour" and he gets on with her really well.

(What would a 41 year old man have in common with a 21 year old I ask you!)

I don't think I have it in me to tell him I stalked her to find her picture.. I had to go to quite some lengths

[kathrynthegreat]

21yearoldman you are right, it is possible. But when you're on your 4th round of picking yourself up and dusting yourself off it's hard to remember sometimes.

[kathrynthegreat]

I think I have a little insecurity about him having been married before.

I could be the next one he gets bored of and leaves.

(it's not as simple as he got bored with her of course. They had lots of probablems that we don't have but it does leave the possibility a little raw in my mind)

[Wrongbow]

Yeah maybe leave out the bit about the photo

[kathrynthegreat]

Actually the more I think about it the dafter it is... he has a 13 year old daughter himself, it would be like dating one of her friends!!

Still, I was 24 when he met me..

[kathrynthegreat]

I feel like I'm too damaged to go through this again. I don't have anything left to give

[Wrongbow]

So she's 21, attractive, stylish, funny - she's probably got legions of hot young men trailing around after her! You've got to ask yourself what would she want with a 41-year-old divorcee?

[kathrynthegreat]

Same as me when I was 24 and he was a 37 year old divorcee I should imagine - he's HOT! And charming and intelligent and succesful, and well dressed, and amazing in bed... Oh, sniff... I want to keep him

[kathrynthegreat]

Sorry - I'm aware I'm being annoying now. I have calmed down so thanks all.

I was just sick once and I'm not shaking or crying anymore.

It does makes me so angry though that people go around making people feel like this. I want to visit my exs and punch them for what they have done to me.

[PooPooInMyToes]

You need to talk to him.

Btw . . . what lengths did you go to?

[Wrongbow]

You will keep him... so long as you're honest with him.

And just because you think he's hot, doesn't mean everyone else does :)

A rather paranoid friend of mine seems to be convinced that everyone wants to steal her boyfriend... but he really isn't a looker by most people's standards... Love is blind :o

[mummytime]

You need to talk to him.

You need to get some counselling for yourself.

Why don't you ask to meet her? In my experience getting things into the open is the best way to deal with such suspicions (and I don't mean invite her for dinner and then ask "would you sleep with my husband").