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Deal breaker?

6 replies

hanaka88 · 20/03/2012 20:17

Ok for those who dont know my back story.

I have a DS who is autistic as well as other neurological/physical issues. He has severely challenging behaviours due to this.

In June last year I broke up with my long term partner (not DSs dad) we were on and off a bit till dec last year when it was definately over (it was over before that but we got back together for like a week in which time he was already cheating)

Anyway a month ago I met someone. We've been dating a bit. Taking things pretty slow, he has not met DS and I didn't want him to until something like marriage was possibly on the cards (maybe not but certainly very very serious, I don't want to confuse DS)

Anyway today I got a bit upset about stuff involving DS and had a bit of a whinge to him. Then said something along the lines of putting him off. He asked what I meant and I said all the stuff with DS as it is very challenging and very much a part of my life, a lot of people couldn't cope with that.

Anyway he said he hasn't thought about it. At all. I've been honest about DS from the start. He has seemed pretty keen but if he hasn't even thought about DS....I dunno. I kind of think that if you date someone with a kid in view to it becoming serious (which he has said often) you consider whether that is something you want in the future. I don't want to waste my time on someone who wouldn't ever be able to cope with it all (hence being so honest about it all)

I just want to tell him to go away. But in every other way he seems so lovely. Willing to take things slow, but texts loads. Am I being silly?

DS comes first to me and I could be being over cautious. But then I could be making perfect sense. My heads a mess right now.

That probably didn't even make any sense to anyone. Sorry.

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emsyj · 20/03/2012 20:25

You only met him a month ago. I would imagine he wants to make a decision about you and whether your relationship will work before he thinks about the rest of your family (whom he would be involved with if things got serious).

A relationship that is a month old is not 'serious' IMO. You've just met. Things are new. He hasn't said he couldn't cope, just that he hasn't thought about it. I don't see that in the way that you seem to - that he hasn't thought about the practicalities of life with you as a family. He's just met a woman he likes and is dating her - that's all. He hasn't thought about your DS because it's not relevant (yet) and it may well just be an indicator that he unthinkingly accepts that you and your DS are a package and he hasn't spent hours agonising over how difficult things could be as a result. It has simply never occurred to him that your DS would be something that would put him off you.

If he falls in love with you, he will accept your family. But you are expecting too much if you want him to be planning life with your DS so soon - in fact, if he was doing so you would probably (quite rightly) think him very strange and overeager.

Sorry that is very inarticulate. But whilst it is understandable that your DS is at the forefront of your mind, it is not reasonable to expect him to be at the forefront of this new man's mind - not yet. He hasn't said anything at all suggesting that he couldn't cope with your DS. Give him a chance!

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izzyizin · 20/03/2012 20:51

Good heavens - you've only just met him!

Give this new relationship at least 6-8 months to evolve, or not as the case may be, before you start laying any heavy numbers on him.

It could be that he'll fall for you like a ton of bricks but won't be able to hack life with your dc, or it could be that he'll take to caring for a
dc with sn like a duck to water.

In any event, that's for the future. Try to resist the temptation to overthink your lovelife and enjoy the 'now' otherwise you could scare off more than a few good men.

Btw your response is not inarticulate emsy. It makes perfect sense to me and I hope the OP heeds your advice.

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hanaka88 · 20/03/2012 20:51

Yeh. I've told him I don't want to carry it on. For the best I think. I'm obviously paranoid about DS and not ready to trust yet.

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emsyj · 20/03/2012 21:04

Well you haven't been single for very long. Maybe you need a bit of time to move on from your previous relationship before you get involved with someone new.

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pollyblue · 20/03/2012 21:38

Blimey, a month is no time at all! He probably genuinely hadn't really thought about it, because it's such early days.

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hanaka88 · 21/03/2012 05:43

I know the thing is i met him on a Datong site where I spoke about that because I kind of wanted people to think then run a mile before messaging me.

I've been single now 9 months bar a week in december.

But I think I'm not ready to be hurt again maybe that's why I'm so paranoid. As well I've never dated anyone 'new' before. Me and DSs dad where friends first for a year and I'd known my ex since I was 14. I guess it's all new to me and I don't like it.

Think it's best to stay alone till DS is able to look after himself. So maybe never